By Andrew Bainon

An Open Letter to BTC…

By DREW

Hi, How you?

Not sure if you know me. My name is Andrew Sean Bane and I think you may remember me from an issue I had with my cell last weekend. I tried to put $20 worth of data (plus VAT) on my phone on Friday and sadly, after accepting my money mind you, your service refused to update my data package leaving me without said data. See my internet was still out at home due to Matchew so data is kinda important to me as I’d like to know what’s going on socially when I’m at home with no internet or data as it were. Not much to do when you have zero access to Facebook, Instagram or Tumblr seeing as I’m not a crazy person.
Look at this psycho not using the internet. Go buy an iPad like a normal person, Jamal you idiot
Look at this psycho not using the internet. Go buy an iPad and secretly stalk your ex like a normal person, Jamal you idiot

A friend then informed me that you guys were having issues but after renewing his package he finally got service back.

That would mean that I would have to spend yet another $20 (plus VAT) just to get the data I should have gotten from the initial $20 (plus Vat). After 24hrs of stewing over this decision I begrudgingly applied another $20….(PLUS VAT) and voila! Data!

Remember me now?

I’m certain my issue was as singular as it was rare so I can’t imagine there’d be others like me…

Can you see me? I’m the guy in the converse with the beard…hard to see me I guess…you know….among the others WITH THE SAME GADDAMN COMPLAINT!
Can you see me? I’m the guy in the converse with the beard…hard to see me I guess…you know….among the others WITH THE SAME GADDAMN COMPLAINT!

To whom it may concern…I’m here to air y’all analog asses out.

Quick question, BTC…

Y’all tink  it’s a flickin game aye king ?

Pardon I….Let me rephrase. Do you feel good about yourselves? See I remember what you used to be. I remember back in the day when you had one job: Landlines.

That’s it.

Landlines were your business and business was good. Shit, y’all even had the long phone cords on deck in case a nigga wanted to go in the closet and have some prepubescent phone sex with that one girl from church who was super good at sex noises and being breathtakingly filthy for a chick that claimed to love white Jesus.

“You wanna put that broken mop stick where? And where did the mayonnaise and scotch tape come from in this hypothetical? Ok ya know what we may need to pray for a bit cause…”
“You wanna put that broken mop stick where? And where did the mayonnaise and scotch tape come from in this hypothetical? Ok ya know what we may need to pray for a bit cause…”

Those were the days.

You dialed a number, it rang, you spoke, you hung up.

If you were fancy and your parents had some left over 80’s money (wink) you had a 2 way and after 2 ways came pagers and then the destroyer of worlds….caller ID. It was all fun and games until you realized you couldn’t ignore people forever.

Ah yes, the first caller ID. The original and arguably most powerful blue tick of them all.
Ah yes, the first caller ID. The original and arguably most powerful blue tick of them all.

And not once did we have an issue. You evolved with us and we never got mad at you cause you were reliable….you were consistent. Even when the block cell phone came through it was no issue because only like 22 niggas could afford that shit and they were either drug dealers or super rich. Life was good. You were good, BTC.

Then the Razor came out….and shit went downhill.

Niggas everywhere had to have one…the demand was too much for you to handle. Everyone had to have a Razor or its not cute lesbian sister the Krazr. Oh lets not act like I was the only one that couldn’t afford the big body razor so ya had to get the krzr to keep up appearances.

The Krzr: For when you make enough money to afford a phone but not enough to buy self-esteem
The Krzr: For when you make enough money to afford a phone but not enough to buy self-esteem

The demand on your cellphone towers increased, calls started not coming through and texting was a nightmare. You could send a text at 9am and people would get it at 9:05am……..the next goddamn day.

But we let that slide.

This technology was as new for us as it was for you and we understood that. Shit, we were so excited to just be able to text and sneak up on our cheating lovers that we let you live. Sadly, as is the case with Bahamian Government corporations, when you give them an inch….they fuck you with that inch and try to convince you you’re having a good time.

Don’t look away… Don’t hang your head.

Look at me.

You know the exact moment y’all screwed us don’t you?

How many marriages ended because of this goddamn phone and shitty service? HOW MANY, BTC?!
How many marriages ended because of this goddamn phone and shitty service? HOW MANY, BTC?!

Read receipts.

Horrible service.

Outrageous phone bills that no one could make sense of.

To make matters worse, if you were like me and went “foreign” for college and had a cell you KNEW you were getting screwed. See we had Verizon, AT&T etc where you had phone plans. The plan I had in Canada had free nights and weekends and 2500 day minutes. So what did we do? In true niggerish fashion we burned off those day minutes talking to no one of significance then when they were out you could only find a nigga between the hours of 7pm and 7am until the 1stof the new month.

“In another hour I’m calling everyone in my address book”
“In another hour I’m calling everyone in my address book”

But what did you guys do? You beautified your stores, brought in more cell phones and revamped your customer service.

Don’t sleep, y’all have amazing customer service but at what cost? How many times are we going to have to cuss your staff out before you realize that YOU’RE the problem that they need to troubleshoot?
Y’all had a whole media blitz when you claimed to be bringing out 4G LTE. Meanwhile I’m still waiting for a Youtube video to load from last week Tuesday.
On top of which who is in charge of clocking this data?
I’m a 1GB data buyer. There used to be a time that that would last about 3weeks to a month. Is it me or have y’all cut that in half? I sent a goddamn voice note and tried to watch some pretty nasty porn a Kirk Franklin music video the other day and got the infamous warning message…
“You GATS to be flippin jokin! Ine even do nothing!!!” – all of us every time we get this text”
“You GATS to be flippin jokin! Ine even do nothing!!!” – all of us every time we get this text”
Now y’all have these asinine data  plans that make entirely NO sense whatsoever. And yes, I know you have phone plans now but BTC, honestly….why y’all still trying to get people to normal text?
NO ONE normal texts outside of the elderly and stalkers.
“Hey big head. Saw I only got one tick on Whatsapp, Facebook Messenger, Instagram, Twitter and the carrier pigeon I sent never came back so I thought I’d try this. You there?"
“Hey big head. Saw I only got one tick on Whatsapp, Facebook Messenger, Instagram, Twitter and the carrier pigeon I sent never came back so I thought I’d try this. You there?”
Then you had the audacity to low key threaten to block whatsapp?
I don’t remember my first kiss but trust me I remember the day you put a gun to my head and threatened to take my WhatsApp . Cause y’all meant that shit; then tried to backpedal like it was all a misunderstanding.
You know it’s real when upper middle class white people run hot.
“Helen, light the beacons so we can gather every conchy joe from Eastern Road, Blair, Sea Breeze……..yes even the Palmdale representatives…..BTC is coming for whatsapp!!”

How dare you?

You gave us shitty service for years…YEARS…and then the one beacon of free hope came and you tried to steal it away because y’all started losing money…. because niggas?

How much money did you make off of us during the Blackberry era? You had a monopoly on every single phone on this island.

YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE. IT WAS SAID YOU WOULD DESTROY THE SITH NOT JOIN THEM.

We didn’t ask for much.

We just wanted to be treated fairly but instead you took advantage of us. You claimed to give us data, tell us it expires in a day but after one hour it would be gone.

The deception.

You have people in these streets peddling minutes like it’s crack cocaine. You got so shitty that niggas can’t even maintain the lie of a steady relationship. Only so many times you could lie and say “My system was down”. Couples don’t….nay…..CAN’T trust each other because niggas are getting blamed for not “being present” cause of bad phone service.

“Baby I swear on everything I love I called but you know how BTC is”- Is he lying? Is he telling the truth? We’ll never know. Thanks BTC
“Baby I swear on everything I love I called but you know how BTC is” – Is he lying? Is he telling the truth? We’ll never know. Thanks BTC
Then you have the audacity to post signs stating ,“We were here your whole life”.
That’s cute….know what else was here my whole life? BEC, Marital Rape, inequality for women, Mucka Mucks and that goddamn chicken in the middle of the highway.
“Ok…all black country, just got independence. What can we put in the middle of the busiest road on the island that would really represent us and not be 100% backwards and stereotypical of how the world views niggas? You have a suggestion, Perry?”
“Ok…all black country, just got independence. What can we put in the middle of the busiest road on the island that would really represent us and not be 100% backwards and stereotypical of how the world views niggas? You have a suggestion, Perry?”
Maybe you should have gone the path of Water and Sewage….them niggas stay in their lane.
I mean they don’t even try to get in the conversation. When your water is off it’s a goddamn surprise. We automatically forgive them cause we assume something catastrophic must have happened or maybe the earth just ran out of water cause they rarely if ever mess up the one job they have.
You had one job, BTC. Just one. Provide affordable mobile and land communication. But you had to get greedy. Now the sun is setting on you because here comes Cable Bahamas and NewCo coming to light that ass up.

NewCo isn’t even fighting pretty….they just blatantly coming for y’all life in these streets.

"Smell that? BTC shitty” – Not an actual NewCo ad but it might as well be.
“Smell that? BTC shitty” – Not an actual NewCo ad but it might as well be.

Frankly, it’s about time.

It’s about time you realized that you could have had the loyalty of your customers if you had just been fair. We would have stayed with you. Shit, we would have protected you and told Cable Bahamas to carry their fiber wired cunnys.
But no, you chose a side.
Now these disenfranchised  tingsy ass Bahamians who we all know love a new business more than they love empty carbohydrates, are about to stage the largest mass exodus this island has ever witnessed. This, my friends, will be biblical; make no mistake. You will survive. You will endure. But trust it won’t be the same.
Funny cause I legit just got the text back that you’re going to reimburse me the funds from my $20 (plus VAT) that I doubly spent over the weekend so maybe I was hasty in my….

Wait…

“Half? Fucking HALF?”
“$10? Half? Fucking HALF?”

SMT

NewCo/Rev Mobile……..what’s good?

Stay(connectively)Woke

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