NFL Picks: Week 9


Week 8 Awards

The “Bulldozer” Award presented by an actual bulldozer – Tyron Smith. I’ve never been so excited to watch a lineman play. I think he ate a guy last week. He completely consumed an Eagles linebacker on the way to Zeke Elliott breaking a big run. That guy’s dead now.

The “I guess I got my swagger back” Award presented by every older brother who lives vicariously through his younger brother’s success – David Carr. His career flamed out but Derek has become the best young quarterback in the league. David still gets to go to the same parties without all the working out.

The “Rush Week” Award presented by Delta Tau Chi from Animal House – The Entire Pats/Bills Game. Gronk scored his 69th touchdown. A Bills fan threw a sex toy on the field. This game was everything the common frat bro could ask for.


Week 9

Atlanta Falcons at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

SANNIE: Are you guys as excited for the season premiere of Real Housewives of Altanta like I am? No? Well you should be, this season is going to be fire.

FALCONS over Bucs

RENALDO: The fact that Sannie would reference THAT show as the flagship entertainment vehicle of the city over Donald Glover’s Atlanta leads me to call this entire relationship into question. What else don’t we have in common? What have we been doing all this time? Who is she? As for the Falcons, we’ll never have a firm handle on this team until they hoist the Lombardi Trophy at Loretta Butler Turner’s Super Bowl (the LI edition). Until then we’re on this roller coaster of emotions with a team that will lose at home to the Bucs, but beat Aaron Rodgers at his best.

FALCONS over Bucs

Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings

SANNIE: Sigh…work is really getting in the way of me finishing Vikings. I am trying to catch up but I have to adult instead. I think I am still stuck on season two.

VIKINGS over Lions

RENALDO: Spoiler alert – In season two, it all goes down hill for Rollo, just like it’s going downhill for Sam Bradford in the second quarter of the season. Also from that season, Ragnar appears to be much better off without King Horik, surprisingly like Matt Stafford has been better without King Megatron.

VIKINGS over Lions

New York Jets at Miami Dolphins

SANNIE: I am going to be a good wife and apparently the Dolphins are on some kind of winning streak. So I’m going to stick with them.

DOLPHINS over Jets

RENALDO: Totally on to her. She’s not being a good wife. With this is is a standard reverse jinx trolling hybrid all masterfully crafted in an effort to see the Dolphins streak come to end. It’s a good thing I have Jay Ajayi and this won’t work. Also, in retaliation to this anti-Dolphin rhetoric…Beyonce is over rated.
DOLPHINS over Jets
Jacksonville Jaguars at Kansas City Chiefs

SANNIE: The Jags seem to suck, which isn’t a surprise because Jacksonville is sooooooooo dull and boring.

CHIEFS over Jags

RENALDO: Jacksonville really is that dull and it deserved all of those Os. Lil Duval is dope though, so the city has one redeeming quality. Blake Bortles and the Jags have been a huge disappointment all year…but they’re playing Nick Foles.

JAGS over Chiefs

Pittsburgh Steelers at Baltimore Ravens

SANNIE:hmmmmmmm, this one is kind of hard because I have nothing invested in either team or city, sooooo ummm lets go with the Ravens. I like purple.

RAVENS over Steelers

RENALDO: I’m so mad that’s going to work. She literally typed thinking sounds. That was the content…sounds of deep thought. Why do they keep letting us do this? Big Ben practiced this week, Mike Tomlin said he might play. Mike Tomlin is a Kappa, which means he’s an incredible decision maker by default. Big Ben plays.

STEELERS over Ravens

Dallas Cowboys at Cleveland Browns

SANNIE: I won’t call any names but a certain sports reporter, dressed up as a Cowboy for Halloween and was quite sexy. *cough * Renaldo * cough *

COWBOYS over Browns

RENALDO: I’m keeping the cowboy hat…

COWBOYS over Browns

Philadelphia Eagles at New York Giants

SANNIE: I used to like Odell Beckham jr but now that I follow him on social media, not so much anymore.

EAGLES over Giants

RENALDO: I’ve been hearing lots of girls say that recently. Maybe it’s because OBJ is in a committed relationship with the kicking net, maybe it’s because…well just watch some of the videos on YouTube, you’d get the point.

GIANTS over Eagles 

New Orleans Saints at San Francisco 49ers

SANNIE: I was supposed to go New Orleans and didn’t go. I may still be a tad bit bitter. So I am having a hate hate relationship right now with them.

NINERS over Saints

RENALDO: Most white people still have a hate hate relationship with Colin Kaepernick. Not as much as Chip Kelly hates being an efficient NFL coach.

SAINTS over Niners

Carolina Panthers at Los Angeles Rams

SANNIE: My Cam has really been doing terrible and one day I am going to have to ask myself if loyalty is more important than winning.

PANTHERS over Rams

RENALDO: He’s been doing worse dressing off the field than he has been on it. Cam Newton told the media he doesn’t feel safe because of the constant hits that the refs allow. Someone had to tell Cam that he decided to play football…none of it is safe.

PANTHERS over Rams

Indianapolis Colts at Green Bay Packers

SANNIE: The Colts also seem to be sucking. I may not be good at football but I know a bad team when I see it.

PACKERS over Colts

RENALDO: The Packers are apparently not good at at football either. But not as bad as Andrew Luck is at grooming or the Colts are at defence.

PACKERS over Colts
Tennessee Titans at San Diego Chargers

SANNIE: Gee, two bad teams. Um, let’s go with Chargers because I like the car. Random, I know.

CHARGERS over Titans

RENALDO: She drops this Chargers reference every week and every week I’ll reiterate that I’m not buying that car. The Titans are the  highest ranked teams on both sides of the ball that nobody cares about. They do get to hear inspirational speeches from Andre Johnson all year…so there’s that.

TITANS over Chargers

Denver Broncos at Oakland Raiders

SANNIE:Ok, it’s time to stop this Raiders winning thing. Eddie is starting to believe this team is actually good.

BRONCOS over Raiders

RENALDO: It’s because they are actually good. When you win a game after giving up 23 penalties you’re approaching team of destiny territory. The Vegas Raiders are going to be incredible.

BRONCOS over Raiders

Buffalo Bills at Seattle Seahawks

SANNIE: My Russell and Cici are having a BABY! Baby Wilson on the way!

SEAHAWKS over Bills

RENALDO: These people are not in our family. This obsession is getting weird. What looked like another non intriguing Monday night matchup has a WWE injection of entertainment with the Bills bringing Percy Harvin out of retirement. Harvin left the Seahawks (just like every other stop in his career) on bad terms because he fought…everyone. I just need him to bring a steel chair to the game, don’t bother with the pads or a helmet.

SEAHAWKS over Bills