You Are What You Watch


For me, everything in life can be compared to either sports or television drama. The story lines sync up so well, I could’ve made this 150,000 words, but in your best interest I chose not to.

Ball is Life though.

Basketball is one of the only sports we get to see the players (sans face mask) exposed to the judgment and ridicule of the fan base. And for round two at least, we’re here for it.

Not the first round, that was God awful. That was a Lifetime or MTV show. Nevertheless let us begin.


“My Name is My Name”.



Every year this one belongs to Lebron James. Until the end of his career or the end of time, which ever comes first. He’s gotten all of the good will America has to give for leaving Gomorrah (Miami) and going back home to Cleveland (The 7th circle of hell). I personally don’t have that compulsion, but Lebron did for some odd reason. What Lebron knows though is that regardless of the location he plays in, or the teammates he has, he’s playing against history not the Bulls or the Hawks. He ‘s playing history – he’s playing Jordan, Kobe, Magic, Duncan and Bird. He’s playing for his legacy. He’s playing for his name


“Get on with it Motherfu…”


The Spurs have been winning so long that they got cocky this year. They turned it on late something Poppovich doesn’t usually abide, but with the age of some of his key players and coming off a championship, they rolled the dice and ended up with the 7th seed. They fell to the Clippers in an epic 7 game series that almost saved the first round. Any other year that’s a conference finals.  A Cippers team we’ve all believed in and didn’t believe in for it seems like 4 years now. It seems like the Spurs should have a better end than this , but that’s not how the real world works you go when it’s your time. And Chris Paul got on with it.


“I am the one who knocks”

No one has seen the Golden State Warriors in the Finals. As a result most people find it astoundingly difficult to believe that this team is anything other than a paper champion, a regular season wonder. Good enough to entertain you on a random Friday night, but not good enough to hold the trophy at the end. Somehow, they think Steph, Klay and the boys are all gonna run out of jumpers at some point. We like the way they play but we’re afraid for them the playoffs it’s a dangerous time. We don’t have to be afraid for the Warriors they’re the ones that should make everyone else worry. They are the one who knocks. Poor Memphis is about to be eviscerated.


“You have to be twice as good”.

Look Atlanta I’m routing for you. This is the most doubted 60 win team in NBA history. Lebron is back to being a hero. You will not get the calls. No one will want to watch you play basketball despite the fact that you’re really good at it. You won 60 games and the casual NBA fans want your head on a spike a sacrifice to the basketball gods as Lebron ascends to the Finals once again. You have to be twice as good to keep advancing much less win the championship. Come hell or high-water OLIVIA!.

“Tell Me why I shouldn’t throw this drink in your bitch ass face”.

Sports is too nice, especially basketball in 2015. Entire series could be shifted if there were just a little more animosity. Do you know who always says shit like this “Nal-Jun -Il” (10th Year Seniors resident dictator Renaldo Dorsett) he takes sports irrationally serious and hates everyone. Kaizen’s opponents in T-Ball, any Blazer opponent, any Dolphin opponent, and especially any Wildcat opponent (Chan). This series is made for these teams to hate each other. Once in a generation guards, annoying defensive stoppers on both sides of the court and bigs who have been called soft. Why shouldn’t the Clippers, who just took out the defending champs throw a drink in Houston’s bitch ass face. 

Someone in this series has to call someone else “boo boo kitty” after a fight, (no homo)someone has to do it. If KG were still alive he’d definitely do it. Damnit everyone stop being so gat damned friendly.


“You are entitled to Nothing”

These Cavs fans.

You’ve had a shitty run. Not everyone is guaranteed a championship, trust me I’m a Dolphin fan and making the playoffs is hard enough. Sometimes Lebron leaves, Ernest Byner fumbles, and the Indians blow game 7 in Florida. You still have those Ohio St. National Championship runs, Lebron’s return and those damned Major League Movies. So I don’t wanna hear it when the Bulls take you out this year and you complain about calls or freak out about the team’s construction. As the Heat get ready to win the lottery and draft Karl-Anthony Towns, I just want everyone in Ohio to know. You are entitled to nothing…and Akron is awful.

“The Ill Intent”

James Harden. You have a beard. It’s a pretty damn good beard. You’ve shown the patience and the will to follow through on a plan that most men don’t. You are the Black Twitter MVP and while you don’t clap back at fanslike Damian Lillard  does, you draw the attention of the crowd like not many young players.

And…you came 2nd in the MVP race.

Second to the golden boy, Steph Curry with the shot boy. It has to eat at you to see this. And you have a beard. You are not the Priest, you are not the Levite,  you are not the Samaritan…..YOU ARE THE ILL INTENT set upon the Clippers on a road they should not be on!

(did I just talk myself into James Harden?)


Pat Riley and Kevin Love have a conversation about Lebron, Dan Gilbert, and the entire city of Cleveland. You better run. Heat in 5.