NFL Picks: Week 14

Week 13 Awards

The “If Trolling Publicly On National TV Was a Crime, You’d Get a Life Sentence ” Award presented by Stephen Colbert – Rex Ryan. Ryan completely short-armed Geno Smith in that ugly Monday night debacle. Smith attempted just 13 passes whole the Jets ran the ball 49 times. Do you think he was trying to send a message to the front office?

The “Just When I’m Out They Keep Pulling Me Back In” Award presented by the Miami Dolphins…every…single…year – Phillip Rivers. You want to forget he’s elite, but every time you do, he has a performance like the one against the Ravens.

The “Every So Often The Intersection Between Life and Sports Lends Us a Moment of Greatness” Award presented by the life and career of Steve Sabol – Rams receivers Kenny Britt, Stedman Bailey, Tavon Austin, Chris Givens and Jared Cook for their “Don’t Shoot” gesture prior to the Raiders game.

Week 13 Results

Renaldo: 7-9 (106-82-1, .561)

Sannie: 10-6 (104-84-1, .550)

Week 14

Dallas Cowboys at Chicago Bears

SANNIE: Serioulsy, Jay Cutler is…just wow…Kristin Cavallari is such a lucky woman.

BEARS over Cowboys

This woman writing this actually has a boyfriend. I promise. Trust Romo in November. For some reason it works, so we roll with it, Thanksgiving blowout notwithstanding. Outside of having the No. 10 rush defence in the league, the Bears have been getting torched through the air. Their defence is 30th against the pass, 30th in scoring, 16th on third down and 16th in the red zone. 

COWBOYS over Bears

Baltimore Ravens at Miami Dolphins

SANNIE: Dolphins really been doing well lately, but still I have to go against Renaldo. It’s fun.

RAVENS over Dolphins

Baltimore Ravens at Miami Dolphins

I won’t retaliate to that, I’ll be the bigger person. On second thought…no I won’t – Beyonce’s stupid and Fantasia can’t read. Now back to the Dolphins, I’m not going to get sucked into the vortex of mapping out playoff scenarios. I’ll choose to be pessimistic and be pleasantly surprised.

My hope right now is simply for the Dolphins to lead league in “I’ll tell you what, you don’t want to face this team in the playoffs right now” anecdotes from colour analysts everywhere. Im excited about the growth of Ryan Tannehill, excited about the defence, but I just cant shake the thought that the Lions, Packers and Broncos losses will be too much to overcome.

DOLPHINS over Ravens

Indianapolis Colts at Cleveland Browns

SANNIE: Trent Richardson has an awesome smile. 

COLTS over Browns

No idea how she even saw a smile, he averages 3.3 yards per carry and has routinely lost his job to anyone else available to carry the ball. Andrew Luck officially entered the MVP conversation last week. Think about that stability and look on the other side of the field at the I’m beginning to think the NFL didn’t want Andrew Luck to rush into the season on “All-Madden” with soft schedule early, but it’s paying off now.

COLTS over Browns

Carolina Panthers at New Orleans Saints

SANNIE: Is Jimmy Graham a natural red head? If so that is so adorable. If not, its a bit wierd.

SAINTS over Panthers

I got nothing, she was spot on with that, it would be weird. This is a game between a contender (again somehow) at home versus a team in a free fall that questioned there quarterback’s body language. In a bad situation, clearly Cam Newton needs to go to the Manning body language school of “No Worries” and have the same expression on his face whether up by 20  or leading a tremendous comeback down by 20. 

SAINTS over Panthers

Pittsburgh Steelers at Cincinnati Bengals

SANNIE:I have said this before but I really REALLY want Polamlu’s hair? I wonder how much bulks of Remy that is?

STEELERS over Bengals

Pretty sure it’s his and not Remy. His hair is also 32”  which seems like it would be ridiculously expensive, she might want to rethink that one.  I think Polamalu takes it personally when he plays against young dynamic recicvers like AJ Green. I keep cringing, waiting on that big earth shattering hit (although it never comes anymore). Twenty years from now he’ll be showing up at high school practices trying to knock out the next greatest wideout. Showoff.

BENGALS over Steelers

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Detroit Lions

SANNIE:Anyone else notice they took Judge Mathis off Cable? He is the best thing that ever came from Detroit and the best judge show. This little ugly woman they replaced him with is terrible!

LIONS over Bucs

Nobody else noticed. Do you know why? Nobody else watches every ridiculous judge show on cable, not even Judge Mathis’ family. With the Thanksgiving Day triumph practically saving the Lions season for about the third time, the high point of this game is waiting for the Suh implosion, and you know it’s coming. 

LIONS over Bucs

Houston Texans at Jacksonville Jaguars

SANNIE: Beyonce has new songs and a new video!! I almost hate her since Renaldo can’t stop watching her dance up and down but I can’t. I love her and everything she does.#beyhive Houston should be proud.

TEXANS over Jags

That’s accurate, the 7/11 video changed my life. Even in a completely mistake-filled game Ryan Fitzpatrick looked comfortable and did enough to keep the starting job heading into week 14. And I was really looking forward to Ryan Mallet getting the job done. We missed an opportunity to do away with the “you can’t lose your job to injury” line? It’s one of the greatest lies in sports…right up there with there’s no “I” in team, college football and basketball players at major DI schools are amateurs, and players signing a contract for “the love of the game.”

TEXANS over Jags

New York Jets at Minnesota Vikings

SANNIE: They are still monitoring persons in New York for Ebola. Like, what is going on there?

JETS over Vikings

It’s almost as if Ebola exists solely in a vacuum now to give Sannie a reason to pick against New York teams. There’s nothing like playing the Vikings defense to reassure Rex Ryan that his quarterback non-controversy is one of the best things that can happen to a team. Reminds me of Childish Gambino’s line “I do dimes, if not that I’m walking out with two fives.” This has to be the Jet’s approach to the offseason any quarterback available. The Jet’s won’t get the dime, but their two fives may have a chance at getting them on the long climb back to respectability.

VIKINGS over Jets

New York Giants at Tennesee Titans

SANNIE: This may sound a bit wierd but it just sounds like a Giant can beat a Titan.

GIANTS over Titans

If you think that take a look at Jason Pierre-Paul and Zach Mettengerger. Then think again. I’m still not fooled by all this fake losing the Giants are doing. You’re all going to be lulled into that false sense of security until Tom Coughlin has the material he needs to deliver the perfect “Nobody believes in us speech.” Wait…it’s too late for that? Mathematically eliminated? So this mean’s they’re just bad? Got it.

GIANTS over Titans

St. Louis Rams at Washington No Nicknames

SANNIE:  Those St. Louis Rams players who took the field in a “hands up, don’t shoot” pose are awesome. Love what they did!

RAMS over Washington

Full disclosure, I deleted seven exclamation marks from the end of that sentence. I’m in a weird state where I want to begin by saying football takes a backseat to the bigger picture, then again it really didn’t…because the NFL  took centre stage when the Rams receiver corps paid homage to slain teenager Michael Brown last week. It took a heroic and inspired effort to post the highest scoring total of any team this season, but it’ll take even less to top Daniel Snyder’s bunch.

RAMS over Washington

Buffalo Bills at Denver Broncos

SANNIE: Even though Peyton Manning looks weird. I heard he was supposed to be good, so lets go with him.

BRONCOS over Bills

Amazing you were able to hear that over the course of his ridiculously famous 18 year career. My power circle of athletes – Peyton Manning, Usain Bolt and Damian Lillard. I’m completely irrational when it comes to them and I refuse to look at anything objectively. Therefore I think Manning’s your comeback player of the year and MVP. “Hold Me Back” has been the soundtrack for his entire comeback trail. They told him he had to get out of Indy, they told him his arm strength would never come back, but Manning has come all the way back and all is right with the world. By the way, he’s playing the Bills…so there’s that.

BRONCOS over Bills

Kansas City Chiefs at Arizona Cardinals

SANNIE: Husain Abdullah looks so weird. I like it though.

CHIEFS over Cardinals

About as good a reason as any. By the way I lead this woman by two games. Alex Smith is actually the best quarterback in this game and it feels like I haven’t said that in a long time. How surreal is that? When Drew Stanton becomes the best option at quarterback, I think it’s time to start hopping off the bandwagon for the Cards. It’s times like this when I wish the WWE and the NFL traded places. The only way to make this game watchable is for Smith to nail Bruce Arians with a folded chair, strip off his Chiefs jersey only to reveal a Cards jersey underneath.

CHIEFS over Cards

San Francisco 49ers at Oakland Raiders

SANNIE:I don’t even have to say anything.

NINERS over Raiders

You literally have to, it’s the basic premise of the column. Even in a completely mistake-filled game Colin “Willie Beamon” Kaepernick looked comfortable and did enough to keep the starting job heading into week 13. Can we finally do away with the “you can’t lose your job to injury” line? It’s one of the greatest lies in sports…right up there with there’s no “I” in team, college football and basketball players at major DI schools are amateurs, and players signing a contract for “the love of the game.”

NINERS over Raiders

Seattle Seahawks at Philadelphia Eagles

SANNIE: Hi. Russell Wilson.

SEAHAWKS over Eagles

Comforting. Also, reports of the demise of the Seahawks locker room have been greatly exaggerated. Bruce Irvin will either make Rusell Wilson, Marshawn Lynch and management talk out their issues logically, fight to the death or anything in between. Have you seen Bruce Irvin, you try telling him no.

SEAHAWKS over Eagles

New England Patriots at San Diego Chargers

SANNIE: Google Manti T’eo. Those memes are HILARIOUS!

CHARGERS over Pats

Agreed, they were awesome…in 2012. The Pats shrunk from the moment last week in a primetime matchup against the Packers, while Rivers was the opposite and delivered a season saving performance on the road against the Ravens. I know how Brady responds in these situations but I have no idea what Rivers is going to do. He’s the most unpredictable elite quarterback of his generation and I’ll always believe he takes his cues from Vince McMahon.

PATS over Chargers

Atlanta Falcons at Green Bay Packers

SANNIE: I will always love Clay Matthews. I’m going to be sad when Sons of Anarchy ends.

PACKERS over Falcons

Is it mildly racist that she thinks every white person with long hair looks alike? Probably. The scheduling gods of the NFL finally caught a break this week. It’s not often that you get a conference championship preview in December on a Monday night, but here it is. It’s also not often that you get a division leader with a sub.500 record like the Falcons, but here they are.

PACKERS over Falcons