THE BAHAMIAN BOOTY (AND WHY WE LOVE THEM)

by Drew

You probably saw the title and said to yourself ,“Is he, nay, CAN he drivel on for 2000+ words about asses? Is he that stupid and fickle a man that he would stoop so low as to dedicate his time just to women’s posteriors?!?!”

First off, your mom is stupid.

Secondly, yes. Yes I am.

I am a leg man. By extension I am also an ass man. I marvel at them. I look at them and, if allowed, I smack them. If you have never seen an ass in yoga pants and not gotten lost in the rapture of it then kill yourself.

I accept the booty, I love it, I worship it in a sundress. But so help me in what cauldron was it made? What immortal hand or eye dare frame its fearful symmetry?

We don’t know, we may never know. But if we’re going to love these posterior gifts then its best we break down all of the different types of Bahamian booty.

The Struggle booty

Let’s be honest here folks: A real behind can’t fit in yoga pants. Yoga pants are like waist trainers for women who are trying to lose those last 10lbs but cant’t because pizza just taste so good.

They accentuate every curve and crevice of the booty. The problem with yoga pants is that they do their job too well. I’ve been with several girls that I hit on due to their yoga attire, then got them out of the yoga pants and realized everything was a lie. They were either flat assed or no assed. Yes, kids, there is a difference.

Now these are both those asses in yoga pants.

Now ladies, don’t be discouraged. I know its Nassau and here up is down, right is left and skinny girls are loathed while solid (thick) girls are lauded over.

But, there’s a silver lining: I think most men will agree that the smaller booty is now becoming more popular among guys and there’s a guy out there that probably can’t handle a “bedunkadunk”. Also, the guy who chooses you will probably use the word “bedunkadunk” in a sentence and that’s also ok as he’s probably rich and is going to pay for your boob job. You go girl!

The Proportioned (Petite) Booty

Look how Jada’s boobs are proportional to her butt. She’s well balanced and everything just makes sense. Mathematically she is an even number. If her children were as emotionally balanced as her body they’d be somewhere not being what they are.

Men, these women need to be applauded because think for a sec: Do you know how hard it is to strike this balance? Usually women with huge asses are flat chested and women with large chests have little to no ass.

Don’t look at me like that.

Take a sec, look up at your work ceiling and think about every big chested female you know………now what does her ass look like?

Now let’s be clear: Jada Pinkett is by no means the definition of the Bahamian term “solid”. She is the chick where if you were to try and hook her up with your boy and he asks, “what she shape like?” You reply will probably be, “she have a nice lil body on her….nice lil ass”.

Translation: “She’s petite with a wonderfully proportioned body that I think will be to your liking should you agree to woo her forthwith.”

So here’s to you little petite ladies with your curvy little bodies. We see you!

The Horse

Look at it. My God just…..I mean…y’all really need a paragraph for this? I need to type out words for this right now?

Now I’m not sure which annoying activists I should be addressing for calling her a “Horse” so let me address all of you sensitive ass PC folks. When Bahamians refer to a female as a horse that just means not only is she thick (solid) but she’s usually taller and has a posterior much like a Clydesdale.

If women built like this had to elect a queen they’d be hard pressed to not immediately vote in Queen Serena. This, people, is what we talk about when we say thick. This ass gives all men the ugly stink face.

Here’s the irony of the horse though: Most niggas are terrified to…um….ride it. Oh we’ll look and marvel at it. We’ll even cat call and get in motor vehicle accidents if it proves too powerful to look away from. But to champion that booty? You need faith to move that mountain of ass my friends.

I’ll be honest: I’m a big dude and even I tremble in its wake.

That must be how women feel about Lexington Steel’s dick: May be fun to look at but are you really woman enough for that uterus-sectomy (aka Broken Vagina syndrome which I just made up).

Lets be honest: If bad shape LaTia from Marketing came to your desk right now and wanted to take you in the maintenance closet and bang you into Sunday you’d be totally down. You would NOT be so willing with Serena Williams. Oh with preparation you would totally do her. We all would, women and men. But on a whim on a Thursday when you haven’t even done the predatory masturbation, 3 guinness and a redbull yet? I’d like to imagine you have more pride than to not give Serena your best. Meanwhile y’all let this lightskin Canadian singin ass nigga hit it.

No clue how to end this segment so….um….ya….

The Unicorn Battlecat

The battlecat is the horse and aforementioned petite body combined. He-mans battlecat if you will.

Not only is this beautiful woman short but she’s also solid and powerful at the legs. If you’re like me then you like a good thigh. Well its straight drama from the ankles to the waist my friend.

It’s like she has a murder scene in her pants due to her ass being so bookshelf in its structure.

Much like the horse this booty is intimidating but because it’s a bit shorter than the horse it’s a cake walk for the average guy!

LoL..…Just kidding.

If you don’t handle that shit right she’s gonna call your closest friends and tell them how much you suck at sex making.

I love this woman.

No, like I really love this female.

This is lock it down and throw away the key material because here’s the thing: No matter how this chick’s weight fluctuates she will never not be hot as hell. Think about it: All the excess ribs and picking off your plate is either going to her thighs or her boobs. MAYBE her stomach but if it does…well, we’re all adults here right? Who cares about a tummy? Shit is cute. Any man that leaves a woman cause she has a little pouch on her is either gay or a homosexual.

Sometimes when I have a minute at work I daydream about the battlecat and I say a little prayer thanking whichever deity is responsible for its existence and for all it does for the world. Thank you, Battlecat. For everything……also what are you doing later because reasons.

The Jungless Booty

Sigh

Where do I begin?

One does not simply give birth to the jungless booty. It is not genetic. The jungless booty is circumstantial and formed by its environment. I firmly believe that you could get a family of flat assed individuals, force them to procreate then give their newly born daughter to a ghetto ass family, sit back and let nurture win over nature.

See a horse, a battle cat and a proportioned booty can be built in a gym. You can mold and shape said asses into submission and make them be what you want them to be. But not the jungless booty. You need the perfect balance of stray bullets, horrible diet, water toting, and physically violent relationship with their spouse that requires running and fast twitch movements.

I would suggest you admire from afar, Gents. No no….dont go to her neighborhood. I mean like stay in your house and wait for the inevitable news report on ZNS and admire from there. No seriously, it’s not worth it. Know how I know you’re not man enough to deal with hardened jungless booty? You’re this deep into this article which means you do shit like read and use the internet for more than just fake news websites or Bahamian celebrities whose jokes vary from over exaggerated Bahamian stereotypes and or videos re-enacting actual events when Bahamians were acting like overdone Bahamian stereotypes.

I tried dating one once with an ass that you could bounce a cutlass off of…….that I think her ex tried to bounce a cutlass off of. Two months later I was filled with regret and a deep concern for my life. See, the jungles, unlike her aforementioned “tech body” cohorts is very much aware of her thickness. There’s no self-help group for her my friend. She has no idea what “those panties are too short to wear to work with an ass like that” means. Too thick, you say? More like not solid enough! As far as she’s concerned, the back lures them in and the front gets her rent paid.

The Jungless booty is the most powerful in its class and it would behoove you to respect that power. Treat it like the sun: Don’t look directly at it, respect its magnificence, but just don’t let it burn you……or your privates.

Now some of you will say that a lot of females haven’t been recognized in this post and that skinny shaming is just as bad as fat shaming. You’re absolutely right. But this young lady is the first thick woman to ever grace a Sports Illustrated cover in its 60 years of existence.

That speaks volumes for where the balance has been held this whole time.

I think the skinny “attractive” women have had their time in the sun. Too many daughters are being shamed into a European aesthetic and too many of our women are insecure due to the same.

Well my name is Andrew Sean Bain and as for me and my house I will, with all my might, defend the thick perfection that is the booty. Skinny girls deserve love too but for now, as a warm blooded Bahamian male, I want to take this time out to acknowledge and appreciate the booty, the whole booty and nothing but the booty…

Stay swole, ladies

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