The Bahamas is Not A Real Place (And I Have Proof)

By Drew

I’ve seen some things on this island I call home. I once saw a jonser fight 3 potcakes because he, in his mind, thought they were “tiefin out my mommy purse when I did live Cowpen”. I’ve seen a car pull a lawnmower behind it on the highway. I’ve seen Carwash and Bird kiss….with tongue.

For the uninitiated…

If you have ZERO clue who these 2 are then my question is who do you think you are and why do you think you’re better than the rest of us?

All of the above and a plethora of other events eventually lead me to conclude, along with the masses, that indeed…The Bahamas truly is not a real place. We are in a simulation probably run by some Bay Street Boys supercomputer. I feel like I’ve already said too much.

“Patient Andrew488 seems to be fighting against his programming. Make him even more undesirable to women so he remembers his place. Also give him diarrhea because fuck him honestly!”

Now at first glance this stance comes off as satire…like I’m on here making a joke. It’s all fun and games until someone sends you a video of a people pulling a gun out of a semi conscious man’s groin in the middle of Fox Hill….

There’s not enough sanitizer in the world, beloved

I’ve seen some shit….YOU’VE probably seen some shit. So I’ve broken down, by location, solid evidence and examples of why The Bahamas is not a real place.

If we’re gonna start anywhere lets start with….

Lyford Cay

Fictional Equivalent: Hogwarts School of Wealthy Wizardry


How is Lyford Cay NOT Hogwarts? A group of gifted majority white folks doing money magic, segrating themselves from the “muggles” aka “niggas” and not having much knowledge of the world beyond their walls. And yes, yes I know Harry Potter was not born in Hogwarts so let’s just be honest….

He probably grew up in palmdale and got a scholarship to Hogwarts. Cut on his head was from a conch shell fight he had by KFC Mackey St. I know a conch shell scar when I see one.

Now obviously Lyford Cay residents can’t do “magic”. However, when I see Lyford Cay niggas brunching on a goddamn Tuesday afternoon at like 10:45am that shit looks like magic to me cause how you doing this right now? Why une to work?

“…then Jillian invited me to a party in Old Fort Bay like I was one of the poors. I said Bibbity Bobbity Bye, Bitch!!” #iLegitThinkThatsHowTheyTalk

They are wizards, we are muggles and we have an understanding. You know….until one of their daughters brings home some nigga with a Honda and cornrows that smells like black and mild, cherry car air freshener and “middle classness”, then they go on what they think are adventures.

“Did you know they have a mall and like….a currency? I brought home some of their money so we can use it for Monopoly night!”

Conclusion: Lyford Cay aka Hogwarts is not a real place.

Out West vs Out East

Fictional Equivalents: Westeros Vs Dorne

For all my non Game Of Thrones fans aka children of a lesser god, Westeros/Dorne are lands in the Game of Thrones lore. Westeros is teaming with different factions/houses, drama, classism, elitism etc and so is Dorne. The only real difference is the divide between them and the attitude of the people. Dornish folks think they’re better than Westeros folks because of access to money, safety and general peace. Westeros folks believe the Dornish people are stuck up snobs with no real claim to anything but their own egos. It’s literally our “out west” niggas vs the “out east” niggas. Here’s a pic that can better show their differences.

Can you spot the difference between them? It’s subtle but its there #itsNot #ThereIsNoDifferenceButTheRent

Understand that on an island that is 21/7, where BPL will cut off your light for absolutely no reason whatsoever, that there are people who live out west that think they have clout cause, “Out east is SO ghetto!”

Lol…that’s cute.

Y’all love to forget Gambier Village is a place that exists, bey…lol.


On an island this small there are people that go to war over who has it better: people out east or out west. They claim west is safer but has higher rent. And the east folks take pride in lower rent but way more traffic. Meanwhile the government is fucking all of us with the same dick and y’all letting whoever controls this 102degree simulation divide us. But I grew up eating fry sausage sandwich with mustard and no mayo so what do I know.

East or west, if you ate this then your argument is moot. @ ya ma

Conclusion: East vs West is not a real beef as they are both not real places.

South Beach

Fictional Equivalent: Narnia

South Beach, much like SAC not being a cult, is a lie we tell children to make them sleep better at night and believe we totes not in a simulation. I remember the first time I asked The False God Ricardo Wells where he lived…went like this..

Me: “Where you live anyway, bey?”

The false God Ricardo Wells: “South Beach”


“South Beach” lol…Hilarious

Listen, I read The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe with the closet and Mr Tumnus and all that. But can we just have an honest conversation? Have any of you ever BEEN South Beach? I know at some point they had a pool but people talk about it with an ominous tone like it was a fairy tale or a parable from Jesus.

“Blessed is he that abides by the sea but only a demonic fool baths in the dark recesses of South Beach Pools. Selah” #TheWordOfGod

I’m wrong?

I’m “reaching”?

Ok…go ahead. Ask someone. Ask ANYONE how to get to South Beach.

Stop reading and go ask someone.

Watch how the directions sound like some cryptic text from the white witch warning of the end of days. I even tried asking in our Lazarus Pit Group and Alexis did not disappoint.

Alexis said, “Drive south. It’ll be on your right” This nigga spoke of South Beach like it’s a living breathing entity. WTF is south beach, bey. #I’mLiterallyAsking

Listen I’ve heard that people live out there, I’ve just never seen proof. So until that day, I must conclude that y’all just live South Carmichael. It’s like how John Marc calls Blair “East Kemp Road”……makes the response to crime hit different.

Blair family prepping for the Xmas season! #TheyRequireSmoke

Conclusion: South Beach aka Narnia is not now or will it ever be a real place.

Carmichael Road

Fictional Equivalent: Wakanda

If you don’t acknowledge Carmichael Road as Wakanada then you’re wrong. For all those living under a rock, Wakanda is the fictional, predominantly black country, where the fictional hero Black Panther resides segregated and hidden away from the rest of the world. Wakanda is what Abaco was tryna be but with way more niggas.

Above: Abaco Grandparents plotting their next move

Irony of it is….Carmichael lowkey pulled it off.

I’m lying?

Name one thing Carmichael DOESN’T Have…I’ll wait.

Yes….yes they do have a drive through liquor store that is open at 9am because Carmichael, bey.

Know whats funny about that picture above? Y’all legit aren’t sure whether or not that on Carmichael or if it’s just a random pic.

And therein lies the rub.

I have a theory that we don’t even know what all Carmichael have. Only the residents know. Carmichael residents constantly remind people that there is not a single fucking reason to leave Carmichael outside of going to work, funerals and weddings. Beloved they even have a goddamn Mosque.

You can praise Allah AND get affordable fried chicken and a Guiness on the same block but y’all don’t hear me in this church this morning! #Mashallah

I live east and have to leave east all the time. Not them. They be like…

“Get my meds from the clinic round the corner then some wine from next door, some dog food from the Chinese and then bring me a deposit form from the Bank of America building”

Do they have a Bank of America on Carmichael?

Do they not?

You don’t know, do you?

Neither do I.

We’ll never know. They’re their own nation now and I don’t have the right to ask these questions. Wakanda forever tho!

Conclusion: Carmichael Road aka Wakanda is not a real place

Pinewood Gardens

Fictional Equivalent: Florida

Don’t look at me like that. Florida ain been a real place for a minute and neither has Pinewood Gardens for that matter. But you have to admit they are similar as shit. Our overlords just made a mini Florida and put it in New Providence. Think about it: Lots of flooding, unexplained perpetual violence, a shitload of natural athletes, swamp land…etc. I am equally as confused by Florida man stories as I am by Pinewood reports.

Did this happen in Florida or Pinewood? Exactly! #We’llNeverKnow

The irony is pinewood SOUNDS like a nice place. If I heard the name “Pinewood” I would think its a love area for the elderly. Thing is, Pinewood is what Elizabeth Estates thought it was till they caught sense.

“Oh these niggas killin killin…..Lemme go BTVI and stop doin crime cause wow” – A Lizzy nigga

Its so cute because people from Pinewood really think they live “out east” and out east people check them REAL quick.

“Oh no baby you don’t live east…you live Pinewood. Which would be east if it wasn’t for…you know….the floodings and what not.” #NoButWhatDirectionIsPinewoodForRealTho

The fact that I’m 40 and we have yet to find a solution for the flooding in Pinewood which, I assume, is Jesus trying to Noah’s ark their sins away with mini floods, lets me know that it’s fake. Imagine Pinewood Noah’s Ark.

“We need 2 more potcakes, 2 Keisha’s and 2 men named “Tooones”….hurry before it start sprying and it flood again!”

Conclusion: Pinewood aka Florida is not a real place.

Kemp Road vs Blair

Fictional Equivalents: Gotham vs Metropolis.

Hear me out.

Little known fact: Gotham City, city of the Batman, is right next door to Metropolis, city of Superman. Keeping that information in mind, have you seen the way Gotham and Metropolis are depicted in comics?


Did we know Brent Symonette could fly or…..? #UpUpAndAway

And Gotham…

If you’re looking at this picture and thinking to yourself “there’s too much going on here” then drive through Kemp Road at 12am #SameEnergy

The irony is they are literal neighbors. Well kinda neighbors….there is a neutral zone that has been a well kept secret that no one talks about.

If there were to be peace talks between Blair and Kemp road then this would be their meeting ground. #IYKYK

Both sides have good people and both sides are filled with love, family, community etc. But if we’re being honest there’s a reason Superman is happier than batman. Look at their villains: Superman’s nemesis is a balding, genius level billionaire and batman battles a clown with exotic animals as pets….

I’m not saying this nigga is from Kemp Road….I’m just saying if you saw him walking down Kemp road how shocked are you really?

I just don’t understand where all the drugs and guns come from and how it all ends up there. These niggas don’t have pistols…they have fucking rocket launchers and my question is: Who they for, beloved?

I know.


You heard it here first.

We have a Bahamian Batman who Kemp Road residents battle with every night. It’s the only logical reason as to why these niggas need military assault rifles. Well, Batman and Blair folks. Cause you’re gonna need ALL that shit to rob anyone in Blair. John almost shot me once for raising my voice slightly. Oh y’all keep thinking these Blair people sweet….they with the shits.

Y’all is forget quick. Do something safe is all I’m sayin

Conclusion: Blair Vs Kemp Road are not real places.


Fictional Equivalent: Arkham Asylum but with nice suits and and less morals

We just had a Prime Minister who’s 9-5 job was vagina maintenance, let another actual good doctor resign in the middle of a pandemic to allow a Ninja Turtle…

Pictured above: NiggaTello

…to take over said job only to lose the upcoming election to a man called *checks notes* …..Brave.

If that alone doesn’t make you want to walk into one of our not real oceans then….

Be safe tho.