Crazy Bahamian Girlfriends/Wives (And How To Find Them)

By Drew


Tristan (Bernard) Miller is my friend. I have known this man since I was yay-high in Grace Gospel Chapel pre-school which, if we’re being honest, was like a weird United Colours Of Benetton ad for kids with a 50/50 success rate.

Little Gina went on to be a Doctor and little Katie now has a child for a weed dealer in Lizy that “only cheats on her sometimes.” #Balance

We went on to high school together and one time, after taking a joke further than I should have, Tristan slapped me so hard that I reset…like, as a person….to this day I cant remember a lot of what happened before grade 9.

“Madam your son has been slapped beyond western medicine….have you tried thoughts and prayers? “

I remember this now because I genuinely didn’t know Tristan had a temper. I knew the man 10years before that slap and never knew I could get someone that mad. A lot of y’all men are dating women that you think you’re safe around. You think that she wont lose her entire mind or that because its all so bubbly and new that she isn’t a bag of cats crazy. LOL….I’m here to school you kids on the fact that yes, the signs you’re noticing are real and you are dating a crazy Bahamian woman and that might just be what you need…..and possibly deserve.

Gentleman, lets be clear on a few things before we get to the sermon.

First off, lets just be honest, we made 82.5% of these women crazy.

That’s just fact.

Yes, you too, nigga in the back pretending to be a feminist on social media cause you think it will get you laid. Please know that, if you are a man and claim to be a feminist, that you are the fuckiest of the fuckboys. Niggas talk about you while juicing the gal whose status you was creased up under claiming you’re an “ally”.

“LOL…I seen him on your IG talking about how you’re beautiful and deserve the…anyway, I need to borrow $100 and your car for 3 days”

The reason why he drives women crazy is because sooner or later some chick is going to bite because she’s tired of dating bad niggas with good dick then ends up with you, a fake woke nigga with horrible dick. Type nigga that takes driving selfies and puts fake deep “inspirational” captions under his pics.

Any dude that takes driving selfies does not eat vagina properly. That’s 3rd grade science, people!

But I digress

We make these women nuts. I may talk shit about my ex’s but I know good and goddamn well that I made the majority of them crazy as fuck. Nothing crazier than a chick who KNOWS you doin shady shit but can’t PROVE you’re doing shady shit. Then when you finally get caught you’re confused why she peed and shit on your clothes, on facebook live…..with her friends. Why didn’t she just throw a brick through your windshield like good Christian women used to do back in the 90’s?

Pictured above: women mad at their spouse in the 90’s

As opposed to…

“So you don’t know this hoe liking all your pics on IG? …..ok” – 2018 Millenial

Niggas will come to you on some next level cheating shit and be flabbergasted by the chicks reaction. I’ve legit had dudes come to me on some…

“Bey I only cheat on her couple times, get 2 gals pregnant and was engaged to her sister…..and THIS why you wanna send me a 12 minute voice note? #crazyPerson”

Yes, niggas will act like a voice note longer than 3 minutes is punishment. I mean it kinda is cause if he anything like me I listen to the beginning then forward it to the last 30 seconds then ignorantly respond with the all too powerful and yet so subtle…


You confused why she showed up on your job naked with a bat after you hit her 12 minute voicenote with a “K”, my nigga?


So, there’s my olive branch, ladies….I will concede that we men are hugely responsible for just how crazy y’all act and on behalf of niggas, foreigners and even some of these butch gals that think they men (until their periods come)….We’re sorry. It should never have to come to that and we were wrong.

We were wrong for deceiving you. Hurting you. Making you feel you were crazy and even worse: wasting your time.


Forgive us.




If I can concede that, can we just acknowledge the fact that if I met you Friday at happy hour, and we both decide to exchange numbers and see where this goes….that I am NOT to blame for whatever your ex did to MAKE YOU crazy and I don’t deserve all your inherint crazy shit off rip just cause that nigga hurt you kinda?

And what blows  my mind is there are women with legitimate claims and reasons to be a bag of catshit crazy.

Their stories are BRUTAL.

“So after he fucked my dad and 2 of my male friends he decided to tell me he THINKS he’s bisexual and wanted me to be on the journey with him…this was shortly after he got my best friend pregnant with twins while he wasn’t working and I was supporting him….faithfully”

Leaving me like…

The irony is, they not the ones who are crazy.

I have left gals for chewing their food weird and this girl stayed with a not-gay nigga who was jobless. Meanwhile, Joanne over here wants to stab me in the dick because…

“So he then says that opening a door for a woman ISN’T demeaning and I’m like nigga… me stab you in the dick!!” #FakeWokeGalsI’mLookingAtY’all #YesYouToo

“Andrew, what are the signs? How will I know she’s crazy?”


Thanks for asking, niggas.

Fun fact….you wont.

The truly crazy women know how to hide it in plain sight. Oh ya, don’t sleep….within the first 24-72hrs of meeting a female she will let you know quite directly that she is capable of ruining your life. The reason why we don’t hear her is because our dicks haven’t been in them yet to justify listening or hearing anything beyond and or leading up to …..

“Ya, I’m up….wide awake.”


Rewind the tape to 4 days ago when she said….

“Oh I’m crazy….super jealous….I once beat a bitch with a hardened ice wig I wet, froze and fashioned into a whip of sorts….”

But niggas sit there ignoring the actual words coming out her mouth like….

*God, this gal breasts look good I can’t wait to…* “….Sorry, you said you have hard wigs? That’s….you getting something else hard! JK (not really)”

So ya…crazy gals more or less warn you. Don’t ignore them. Listen to them….they are not playing. And yes, I know in our twenties the shit was cute.

Before Tupac died it was cute to hear gals talk about how jealous they were. It was almost sexy. Gals would catch you cheating or MSN messaging another girl and do some weird passive aggressive shit like….I don’t know….break up with you.

Bey….I KNOW…shit was weird when we were young . Imagine a gal 30 or over being that emotionally responsible….LOL…..imagine that convo…that would fuck niggas whole mind up.

“Wait…so because I did wrong you’re NOT going to waste your time with me and just leave with no headache or callback? Type witchcraft trick shit is this, Brenda?”

Nowadays? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttt. We’re so used to the crazy that we’re shocked and offended when the woman doesn’t slap us or try and burn our clothes….in our car.

Pictured above: What Bahamian men think true love looks like #HighKeyWifeyTho #iLikeCrazyGalsDontMindMe

It takes 3-6 months to leave these gals and that’s if they LET you leave.

“Where you thought you was going, boo? Ya you cheat but we ga work this out. Gather the clothes I threw in the grass earlier…lemme wash them for you, babes” #Babes??? #BeyIneEvenWanBeWitYou

Another clear sign is the women she’s around. Check the temperature of those chicks, beloved. The life you save may be your own.

How many of them are single? That’s key cause if NONE of them have something to lose then they aren’t worried about jail time and consequences.

I can tell they single just by their slapping technique #StayWoke

How tall are they? Sad to say fellas but the rumours are true: If a chick is under 5’6 then chances are she’s crazy as fuck. Imagine living your whole life needing niggas and family to help you reach things or always being afraid because people “take you for light”?

You’d be angry too if the nigga you supposed to be talking to wan hug his female cousin longer than you deem appropriate.

“Hug your “cousin” one more time and I’m going to bite your dick….love you tho” – crazy, short, usually red, gals

How involved are they IN your relationship? This one is important because understand that women, with their friends, are either go to jail, ride or die loyal or not loyal at all. If you need to study this in a controlled environment I suggest watching shows like Basketball Wives, Black Ink Crew Chicago, Love and Hip Hop Atlanta, etc.

Why Love and hip hop Atlanta and not Hollywood you ask?

Two words……Tokyo Vanity. Don’t google it….I got you, beloved.

Behold, Tokyo. Not Chinese, a virgin, clearly not hungry…….confused how/why men cheat on her…..fights them. #iCantMakeThisUp

Sure a lot of it is scripted nonsense but you really get insight on how fickle the female friendship is and which ones to avoid.

Another way to tell if a Bahamian woman is crazy in a relationship is quite simple…..maybe she’s born with it….some chicks are legit just born scrappy, jealous and ready to beat you with a brick.

Remember Tristan Miller the guy from earlier? He didn’t grow up with a hard life. Don’t get it confused, none of us grew up rich but he had pretty much the same life I had give or take a few pairs of Jordans that my mum couldn’t afford.

Raise your hand if your mom bought you these out of City Market in Seagrapes and convinced you they were the “same” as Jordans? No? Just me? K..

My point is, Tristan wasn’t a roughneck, not a thug…..that slap didn’t come from a dark place. That’s just who Tristan is….he wasn’t going to put up with my nonsense for a second more so he slapped the piss out of me and trust me, it was a lesson learned.

Sometimes its circumstantial.

Sometimes the wrong nigga comes into a gals life and flips a switch she didn’t even know she had. Its only so long you can play with peoples heart, money, time and patience before they snap, beloved.

I marched in the sun over gaming taxes to no avail when all I had to do was be rich and white in Lyfrod Cay and make vague fake threats for this nigga to bend over. #LessonLearned #LyfordCayPeoplesTime

So, gents….maybe its us that need to change.

We’ve been wrongfully accusing women of being crazy for years when we made them that way. Look at Gotham…..Gotham was fine before Batman got there…..then all of a sudden everyones crazy.

Think on your sins, Bruce Wayne

You either die a hero or live long enough to become the villain.

The converse?

You can be labeled a villain or live long enough for your hero to come along. Not that women NEED a hero to save them (Calm down feminists/Kasmine)…but maybe….just maybe….we shouldn’t have labeled them as “crazy” to begin with when we know we created the very trait we abhor, making it just that much harder for her to trust and move forward without those scars. Then when she reacts out of general frustration, with no further investigation we label her as…..well, crazy. We have to be better and getting to know her past before we label her present with so much ease. Can’t heal what you don’t pay attention to.


That being said….some of y’all gals just crazy off air, bey…..lets just be honest.


Love y’all tho.


Below is a concise list of crazy Bahamian women by location, name and traits:


Gals from Pinewood

Any woman who’s name ends with “ah” (Rebecca, Brenda, Felisha, Keisha, Welmilya….etc)

Gals who smoke weed a lot (there’s a reason they’re trying to calm down)

Michelle Knowles from “Gals Pod”

Women who wear tennis in the club

Gals name Christine

Shonny, pre-Magic (Stay woke, bro)

Any woman related to the Munnings

Kelli from “Gals Pod”

Gals who love Jesus a bit too much

Gals from Garden Hills

Conchy Joe gals that grow up near Fox Hill/Kemp Rd

Long Island gals (yes, all of them)

Any conchy joe woman that still drinks Anejo and Coke

Gals with mediocre weaves in the work place

Women with the last name “Knowles”

Gals with green eyes that speak niggerish


Gals who eat wings in public places like they home

Any woman that drinks Guiness out the bottle

Any woman that went to St Johns….and survived