People You Will (Inevitably) See At Bahamian Brunch
Brunch: The sexually complicated middle sister of breakfast and lunch.
I’m confused as to when this actually became a thing. Don’t worry, I’m not anti-brunch. In fact I support any activity that allows me to drink before 12pm without fear of judgement from the church folk who coincidentally had wine at 7:48am.
Its honestly as if I went to bed one Saturday and woke up to my friend Sasha commanding me to come out to brunch and get lit. Understand that Bahamians as a people find every single reason of any season to drink.
We literally do not care.
Easter? Jesus died and we bout to turn up. Memorial day? Soldiers died and we bout to turn up. We were so caught up in our drunken obesity that it took how many years before we realized Columbus WASN’T a good guy?
So as much as I enjoy brunch and breakfast food at confusing hours, we need to deal with these attendees as I try and address the people you will inevitably see at every Bahamian brunch.
Why….WHY is there always some broke nigga at brunch? It’ll be a group of 10 gainfully employed over 30 adults at a table and there’s always that one person who texts you under the table on some… “Hey….a little short this weekend, can you spot me this meal and I pay you back later?”
You didn’t know you were broke BEFORE you came to the function? Then when you inevitably agree to cover the meal they order everything.
Then there’s the guilt trippy person who, when you invite them out, always have a sob story as to why they can’t come out which eventually ends up in you volunteering to pay and all of a sudden they’re the life of the party.
Listen, I’m not saying I haven’t had to lean on a friend to spot me on a night out, but there’s a growing number of broke niggas taking advantage of the good intentions of others just so they can enjoy steak and eggs after 12pm is all I’m saying. If you have $20, spend $20 and let the loved ones decide if you deserve to turn up further. But don’t bring your struggle to my happy place and then have me regretting your friendship when I get the bill and try and skimp.
Niggas turn into genius level mathematicians once that brunch bill comes to make that $20 work.
Speaking of which, can someone please punch the “All on one check!” person in the face?
Know that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know you only have $21.88 in your bank account and you’re at CVS trying to buy some toiletries and the bill is $21 and you’re not sure if Scotia is gonna charge you for even swiping your card let alone touching it? So as the cashier swipes, that one bead of sweat rolls down your temple as you ponder upon your life choices and think about every penny you ever spent in your life leading up to this moment of embarrassment.
That’s the feeling I think “All on one check” person has when they realize the turn up was too much and they may not have enough money.
Understand that we KNOW you HAVE money in your account but, if you’re like me and you Bank with Bank of the Bahamas, they only have like 2 ATM’s and sometimes you miscalculate just how much fun you’re gonna have.
Just ask for the loan, fam.
You’re not like the aforementioned broke person, we know you got it. But don’t force me to pay for your “specialty drinks”, unknowingly deceiving me with your math and ill intent. Just be honest with me and yourself is all.
Speaking of honesty….who told y’all brunch was a fancy affair?
I’m seeing a lot of you females in goddamn prom gowns going to Olives like Lady P in parliament the other day.
Beloved, its brunch….not the goddamn Red Cross Ball.
Please tone down these outfits.
I’m not saying to come out in your duster with the wig cap or whatever its called. I’m just saying you didn’t have to wear crushed velvet and heels to the function. Its like these jungless don’t understand subtly. They either look like everything wrong with the country or like they’re going to meet the queen: There is no in-between.
Look nice but…you know….do less.
Oh and you niggas are NO different.
I don’t know what it is about Bahamian dudes when they buy a few pairs of fitted pastele colored pants, but when they put them on you can’t tell them, in that moment, their salary didn’t increase 200%.
I’m not saying you can’t dress nice regardless of your circumstances but bro, you’re using a fork and knife on toast. Just be you is all I’m saying. I know its the peoples time but you can’t have on booger green pants with the Gucci flip flops with no ride to the event and no money. Live within your means. Y’all goin broke trying to keep up with fashion you can’t afford.
I want better for y’all I really do.
Just live your truth is all I’m saying, romper ass nigga. Bet money, next week Sunday during the long weekend, there’s gonna be some nigga in a romper out at brunch.
Sidebar: In the name of fashion forward baby Jesus, if anyone sees Young Randolph or any member of 10ys in a romper please take a picture of it and send it to our email at email@example.com so we can fire them immediately. We do NOT condone rompers nor do we acknowledge it as a form of male fashion.
Not kidding…..thanks in advance.
Also, please don’t try and out brunch me. I’ve heard reports of people legit being strict about brunch etiquette.
Um….who payin this bill? I don’t do mimosas and I’m a burger nigga….I’m having the bleu cheese with bacon and mushrooms because fuck you and your rules.
Y’all is run out with new tings, man!
Its always that one person that has to comment on your food choice and what is and isn’t appropriate. We drinkin and eatin before 12….that is brunch. No I don’t care that it means breakfast and lunch and you probably only heard about this because Stebie and Joslyn did it once on Love and Hip Hop. That’s where half of y’all got your fashion sense and social ideas from anyway.
Let me enjoy my alcoholism the way God intended and you keep being a sheep.
And lets be honest with our selfies please. Nothing kills me like when “cant pay the bill” and “all on one check” people are the first to take out their iPhone to take a selfie of the food and atmosphere they couldn’t afford.
Thine your food though….I pay for that.
Its always the couple that hate each other that we KNOW one of them has been cheating that’s quick to catch that good sunset selfie. If not then it’s the overweight chick taking a pic of a salad that we all know is her prelude to way too much McDonalds on the way home.
I’m not mad at the jungless and the pastel pants male jungless flexing for the Gram…do your thing. You need to show the hood when and what time to rob you I guess.
Then we need to address these niggas who have these girls thinking that brunch is a big deal. Gals out here eating wings with a fork and knife but think “a la carte” is a trolly in Quality Markets.
Sweetie, look at me….its not.
Niggas have girls thinkin they exclusive just because they are eating omelettes and drinking wine in the middle of the day. Babygirl he was there last night with another chick sippin Henny and promising her the world. It’s the same Olives…..just in the light of day is all.
And ladies stop forcing niggas to hang out with you and 48 of your female friends you talked shit about the whole week before and now want me to “be polite”.
How do you want this man to be polite with all the ammunition you gave him for months about these chicks?
Be safe and leave that nigga home with his Playstation and go talk shit about him for a couple hours.
Also, please don’t include me in your Snapchat story.
People out here trying to successfully cheat on their gf/bf only for you to snapchat them at the function and ruin a perfectly good lie. Keep your selfie sticks and your Snapchat stories to yourself and your single ass.
Only happily married and single people try to include people in their Snapchat and that’s fact.
Take consensual selfies and gram stories and mind your business.
In the end I just want better for us. I’m glad we’re evolving socially on this island. When I was growing up bars and restaurants were hardly open let alone getting lit. Your options we Lums, the hotel or going home to eat and watch the Curry Sisters sing badly on ZNS.
Its not a bad thing that we’re embracing different things and making it our own. Where else in the world can you have souse or stew conch at brunch with a mimosa?
And to the brunch skeptics and haters of fun: shut up.
Let people enjoy things.
Not everything has to make sense and not everything has to be inline with your beliefs. We never claimed that we weren’t fun, didn’t enjoy drinking and or eating early in the morning. I love to drink, love to eat and love a good time so brunch is right in my lane. What kind of person would I be to tell you to watch my actions and listen to what I say and let it be a testament of who I am and then switch on everyone just like that?