Fallen Bahamian Heroes (That Need To Be Acknowledged)

By Drew

 

I write on Thursdays.

Sure my drivel comes out on Fridays but Thursday is my designated day to sit down and put my ludicrous self involved thoughts in a word document littered with red squiggly lines because I spell like a coked out four year old. “I write on Thursdays, fam”, is my cop out when any member of 10^th YearSeniors asks me to do anything not related to having product in these streets on Friday. It’s hard enough getting me to do anything else to be honest.

 

Meanwhile, in TruthVille

Know what else happens on Thursday? Both newspapers bring out the obituaries. The beginning and end of people’s lives are documented in too small spaces to allow loved ones near and far to mourn their loss. I’ve noticed that all too often the obituaries skip over important people…nay….soldiers of our island. These are people that deserve our admiration, respect and gratitude for their contribution to society despite their sudden absence. It’s not easy to mourn the dead but it’s even harder to mourn the living dead walking among us. It’s within this vein that I would like to salute our fallen Bahamian soldiers and give them the send off they deserve.

 

Hubert Ingraham

 

No, you’re not “dead” and no, I’m not calling you papa. I’m 35, Hubert. My fathers name is Samuel….une my daddy.

That being said tho….boy we miss you.

I thought they were making an unbelievably cruel joke when they exchanged Hubert for Hubert only he was the opposite of you….but alas it was reality. Did y’all not see the reaction of the people when the OG came out?

But then…

 

Trust me, sir,if there was ever a time we need you it’s now.

Don’t confuse me; I was never your biggest fan. I found you crass, at times belligerent and very, very red eyed. And as someone with very very red eyes I know what that means. But there is not another person I would trust this country to, to right the wrongs and set us back on the right course than you. But, we have to trust the process and believe in change as it‘s “the peoples time” and we have faith that Hubert Minnis will bring the change we so desperately crave.

 

Lol…Just kidding.

 

We know you and Brent Wizard of Ozing da wibe and we’re all perfectly fine with that.

Enjoy Valhalla, sir. Thanks for everything.

 

 

Chicken Unlimited

You tried.

My god if they put nothing else on your tombstone, if nothing else, my god did you try. For you millennials out there that have no idea what I’m talking about: Chicken unlimited was the first KFC. It was a poor mans KFC before he knew he was even poor.

Picture it, Sicily,1986 Nassau, 1986, a simpler time.

Having more than one TV channel meant you were rich, Hondas were just about to start getting niggas killed and Bill Cosby was not the rapist of the century.

I’m confused why you’re gone, Chicken Unlimited, I won’t lie to you. I mean…Did you kids know there was a time on this island a 2 piece cost $1.99?

I’m not kidding.

To make matters worse, your name is the most alluring name ever in a country of 97% black people. “Chicken Unlimited”.

Jesus Christ.

The only company that should have taken you out only could have been named “Chicken Forever For Free”. Can you imagine what would happen on this island?

But no….You got killed by Kentucky Fried Chicken. Now it may stand to reason that they had better tasting chicken or perhaps niggas was just being niggas.

Bahamians like new tings. We tingsy bad bad.

You could open up a vegan burger joint in the middle of Carmichael and they would make all their money back by the time niggas realize they’re eating lies and sadness.

Sadly, Chicken Unlimited left us and with them goes the memories of begging my mother to get my sisters and I a 2piece….with a biscuit. I love KFC, don’t get me wrong, but before Biggie there was Rakim. Before Michael Jackson there was James Brown. Before Lynden Pindling there was….

And before KFC there was Chicken Unlimited.

Friend, brother, comrade….thank you and RIP.

 

Pizza Hut (Mackey St)

Jonathon Marcus Nutt is my friend.

I realized this on his birthday a few weeks ago when I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday. Typically he and Dakarai would come up with some Drake themed party idea that would, in the end, result in us just drinking in the back of John’s house as he grills about 36lbs of chicken leg quarters with no sides. Grilled chicken, no sides, no water in the house….plenty rum, no chasers. But y’all confused why half of us on this site are as single as Glenys in Parliament?

I asked Jonathon what he wanted to do and he said he wanted to have a Pizza party.

Imma let every person over 30 let that warm nostalgia flow over you for a bit….I’ll wait.

 

Beloved, when last you even HEAR bout a pizza party?

And no, you people with kids that ordered 20 boxes of Dominoes cardboard bullshit….I’m talking a REAL pizza party. When you put on your freshest Calvin Kleins, clean up them Bugle boys, threw on your crispiest Tommy Hilfiger that you ironed SECONDS before going in the car and drove to Pizza Hut on Mackey street and enjoyed the most oil drenched pizza in human existence. Don’t let mum mess around and give you a slow $50-75 dollars to contribute…

 

Y’all ain’ hearin’ me this morning.

 

I said to CONTRIBUTE TO the pizza party. That means everyone at the function got $20 or more and we about to set this bitch off. Do you know what $75+ got you in Pizza Hut in the 90’s?

Then you got the root beer in the red cup from the dirty transparent pitcher that they never washed ever but somehow the residue of the older soda made that root beer taste just right.

That, my friends, was a pizza party. Oily pizza, good friends with limited to no parental supervision save for your one older cousin who truly couldn’t give a shit as he’s brought his own date and can’t wait till the party is over so he can make sex.

Those were the days.

Pizza Hut (Mackey St)….I consider these 2 new locations to be a poor man’s time remnant of what was and I say to you….goodnight, babygirl. I miss you.

RIP.

 

Fred Mitchell

So we just gonna act like Fredrick wasn’t god in Fox Hill?

That’s what we doing?

We gonna act like an unmarried, childless, open minded, liberal, benevolent man and probably the ONLY MP in these elections that did his goddamned job didn’t hold it the F down for Fox Hill?

Real talk?

For the idiots record, Fred is not dead. On the contrary, Fred is alive and….well, not in the best of moods but he’ll live.  And to make matters worse, he got beat by someone who’s only credentials are she used to run good.  So the receipts are as follows:

 

Person that took his seat?

And yes, to the one commenter that will inevitable say…

Really, nigga?

You’re trying to tell me that ANYONE they put there wasn’t going to win? They could have put R. Kelly to run and he would have won and y’all would have been like…

Listen I’m not here for the politics. I’m over it. But y’all lost the only sensible, rational thinking MP because y’all was mad at Perry middle finger.

Fredrick, bro….I see you. I hope the new MP does well but we all know who started the….um….fire.

…too soon?

Rest In Palaces, sir.

 

Leslie Miller

Hands up how many of us heard about the dumb fire?

All y’all? Ok hands down.

Now how many of us gave a shit enough to go help their fellow Bahamians IN said dump fire?

I didn’t say post about it on Facebook fake caring like you actually give a shit. I mean actually go with a mask on helping people.

Thought so.

Know who did that shit? Leslie “Wait, did he really say that?” Miller.

Sigh….no, Leslie Miller is not dead…he’s very much alive. But he got killed in the last election, which leaves him politically deceased for the next 5 years.

While Leslie was working hard at the dump site being a goddamn superhero y’all prime minister….well….the picture speaks for itself.

This the nigga y’all threw out?

Sure he’s a homophobic misogynist with no filter and the couth of an unwashed jonser on gin…nigga was in that dump wit y’all tho. The man is a lot of things but lets not act like half of y’all didn’t text someone good spouse this morning on your commute to work.

Don’t judge Leslie by his words, judge him by his actions.

(Ok, maybe not all of his actions….listen he was in the dump fire man…shut up)

Salute and RIP, sir.

 

 

In Memoriam:

Swanks

Taco Bell

Quiznos

Golds Gym

Imperials (Mall at Marathon)

BodyZone (pre-butterfly)

Albert Rahming

KFC (Village Road)

Wongs Gym

Ballys

The jonser that used to be on Wulff Road with the enormous testicles that looked like black Moses

KFC 2 piece for $2.99

Fine gals in John Bull

Sweet Lips

COB

OPH

Daewoo cars

 

Stay(Heroically)Woke

 

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