The Bahamian Elections And Who To Vote For #TheBreakUp

By Drew

 

I am not a political person.

I don’t do “politics” the same way I don’t do street corners named after inanimate objects, girls with extremely long eyelashes, or Bahamian restaurants that don’t have an obese, diabetic female with arm flap cooking my food.

 

As I’ve said in previous articles, that I assume all 6 of you have read, I’ve never voted in my life and would have kept the trend up had it not been for what happened in America. They voted in a talking, orange, Youtube comment section.

Needless to say, it’s Election time in the Bahamas and the lunatics have come out of the woodwork. I think they call it something clever like the “silly season”. So as always I’m here to shepherd you through this difficult time by telling you who to vote for in the upcoming elections (and why).

 

The Progressive Liberal Party (PLP)

Voting for the PLP in May is like a QC kid and a Kingsway kid at an RM Bailey Party: You think you  know who is who, you’re kinda scared of what may happen so really…..who else you gonna dance with?

Listen, I know Perry put up his middle finger that one time, screwed Sarkis out of possible billions, possibly ruined foreign investing in our country due to Bahamar, more or less dodged every question concerning where the actual shit the VAT money is, lied about mortgage relief, did zero for Centreville, constantly feels the need to dance during super serious situations…but hey…..it’s not like he’s actually been sleeping on the jo-

I get it.

But understand that for the most part, he’s not Putin. Have you seen Putin? That nigga is scarier than Darold Millers eyes. One thing I can say about Perry, he is NOT scary. He dances like a drunk pixie on coke…he’s harmless. It’s this harmlessness and his age that I would vote for if I was you. Well, that and he has Fred Mitchell very close behind him.

Perry is the grandfather with the 15 kids but one of them is super smart, has common sense, and more or less cleans up PaPa’s messes. Perry is about to dance and sleep his way through the next 5 years while Fred Mitchell fixes things. Frankly, it blows my mind that Fred isn’t our PM seeing that he’s constantly the smartest guy in the room but I digress.

The PLP have a pretty strong team with shaky leadership but they’re unified and more or less can put this country in cruise control without totally screwing the pooch.  They get my vote.

Vote PLP!!

 

The Free National Movement (FNM)

Quick question: Who is leading the FNM?

Last I checked it was Hubert Minnis but then Loretta was Hilary Clintoning his ass, but then she actually Hilary Clintoned and lost to a rich guy who rides the bus in $1,000 suits because he’s “grass roots”.

I don’t actually know Mr. Minnis nor do I know his stance on anything.

Every time I try and take him seriously I think of that weird seizure dance he did during the FNM convention and I have to lay down and think about my life. But, if we’re being fair, it’s time for Change. Perry has literally been sleeping on the job, the island is in shambles, and the only thing the PLP have done that I’ve seen proof of is paint the roads near COB.

The FNM has long been known for strong leadership as they once had Hubert Ingraham who was a menacing force for justice, truth and moral transparency.

LoL…JK.  He just used to talk hard and “Say what he mean and mean what he say”.

But this seems to be the election of the player 2 niggas. But there’s one thing Hubert Minnis and the FNM DO have going for them….and that’s Brent Symonette. Oh don’t mind Brent….he’s very quiet, doesn’t bother too much, doesn’t say too much, but he knows where the bodies are buried. He’s the Dick Cheney of the FNM just less murdery.

I have a theory that Brent voicenotes the parliamentary proceedings and sends them to Hubert Ingraham and they have a rather good laugh at how dumb everyone still is. I feel like every time Hubert Minnis mentions Toogie and BoBo Brent is just like..

Everyone is saying the FNM has too much going on and they are in chaos but I disagree. Sure they had a few hiccups and there’s been some infighting …

*Side eyes Loretta*

….but for the most part I think the base is strong as their traditions have remained steadfast just as much as their stance. We’ve been begging for change and for someone to lead this country who wasn’t a direct apostle of Lynden Pindling and here he is staring us right in the face.

Believe in Change, believe in tradition and believe that Brent Symonette will keep the ship afloat cause no joke this nigga on air Hubert Minnis will light the way to a promising future!

Vote FNM!

 

The Democratic National Alliance (DNA)

 

They want to legalize weed and make us (all) Millionaires.

….y’all need another reason?

Bey, they put it on a billboard so it has to be true. Why would they lie about making us all rich and legalizing weed? Y’all acting like we’re not a forward thinking countr-

Ya but we can still be millionaires…..it’s not like we sold our country to foreignors for 30 pieces of silver and then tried to take a piece of the pie for ourselves…

 

Sigh

Well, they may not be able to keep those never-going-to-happen promises but one thing the DNA has that no other party has and it’s youth at the top. Branville is still young enough to not fall asleep at things and his party is young enough to have hope that he won’t. It’s honestly inspiring that they know they will probably lose but keep fighting because they feel the Bahamian people need to hear the argument at the very least.

Know how I know they mean business? Their lack of free t-shirts. If it’s one thing that distracts Bahamians its XL free t-shirts from a politician they haven’t seen in 5yrs.

One thing about Branville, he attacks.

He’s constantly ready to come at whoever is in power on any topic at any time anywhere. He’s the perfect marriage of Hubert Ingraham’s hubris and Perry Christie’s light skindedness.

I’m lowkey rooting for these guys simply because they aren’t the status quo. They don’t pretend to be nor do they want to be. We here at 10^th Year seniors can relate to the logic of being the more or less unknown underdog in a race full of mutuals.

Don’t believe me? I got nominated for an award….find my face in this pic.

Vote DNA!!

 

This is normally where I end the article with some sweeping words to justify my 2000 word vomit and close with some snazzy number to tie everything together.

But I need a minute to address my girlfriend.

So if everyone could just stop reading this and go…I don’t know….go to a rally or something…..I need to talk to my lady for a sec.

Hey, sugarfoot…..I think we’re alone now.

Just me and you.

Don’t look around the room like you don’t know who I’m talking to, you green-eyed minx. I mean you, Loretta Butler Turner(Bain).

I miss you.

We haven’t been the same since you put Moncur in the senate. Do you know how you gutted me? How you hurt me? This must be how Tyra felt that one time…

I believed in you.

I trusted you with my heart. Last time I did that was back when I thought Lucas Scott and Brooke Davis would end up together on ‘One Tree Hill’ but then they didn’t and I cried man tears for like a week.

How did we get here? We’re strangers now. I don’t hear you on the News, I don’t see you on ZNS….granted I never watch ZNS, or listen to the News but I got people in these streets and they tell me things. And by people, I mean The false god Ricardo Wells.

You were literally the chosen one.

These gals out here talkin #GirlBoss and the most they have is good filter choice on Instagram and think they saying something. You? You were an ACTUAL BOSS. The one to lead them home to common sense and actual entrepreneurship.

It was you.

Now, look what you’ve done. You put a mental patient in the senate that uses foliage and meats as currency.

No, don’t laugh. He claimed his actual trees as collateral. The man literally thinks money grows on trees. That’s who you leave me for? Him? (At least he have a beard but…really, nigga?)

I could see a Branville or a Fred Mitchell or even a Brave Davis. I could have forgiven that. But you pulled a Nicki Minaj on us, started messing with the loud nigga in the back and had us puzzled for real.

But I can’t be mad at you, babes. You chose a side. But does my name ever come up over half frap lattes and blueberry muffins?

Do I?

Cause you do. I just want better for you, L.Boogie. I want you to be great. First Hilary lost, then Serena got engaged to a nigga that wasn’t me and then you. It’s only so much I can take. I should have known trouble was coming when, the day you put him in the senate, Drake announced his “More Life” album.

God was preparing me.

So this is it….I have to let you go. God knows I don’t want to but you’re going down a path I can not follow.

You have broken my heart.

But, in the words of Whitney Houston, Didn’t we almost have it all?

I will always have your back, I just wish I was by your side……but we’ll always have this moment.

Vote your conscience, people…..it’s only the next 5 years.

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