I was at work one day and a new girl came in. She was dressed very well, hair “on fleek” as the kids say. Makeup was very well done and when she spoke it was the Queen’s English. She even had a normal name that we all could pronounce and spell with ease. Needless to say the men in the office were all hovering over her just to get a whiff of her Bath and Body fragrance. Another male co-worker came in and was alarmed that we were all so enamored with said female and he quickly informed us that she was (gasp)…a jungless! It was as if we were all on a plane and someone yelled “Bomb!!!”

Everyone scattered and ran for fear that, I assume, they would catch some type of staph infection from her weave. As for me I was curious as to why this was such a huge issue seeing as she met 90% of any man’s criteria except for the fact that she probably doesn’t pronounce “sausage” the way we’d like.

“It’s SAUSAGE egg and cheese, Kentunica. Not SAWCHESS.”

“It’s SAUSAGE egg and cheese, Kentunica. Not SAWCHESS.”

Well, I ended up dating that girl, then breaking up for totally non-jungless reasons. I feel quite validated when I give you 5 reasons why you should date a sophisticated jungless.

It’s different

Let’s be clear, people: The term sophisticated jungless (SJ) refers to males and females. My situation was obviously my situation but there’s a lot of females out here dating SJs the same way that men are. Both will tell you that it’s a new and different experience. First off they handle situations differently than we do. A normal woman has in her purse makeup, a mirror, perhaps some gum, tissue etc. But not the SJ. Even though she made it out of the ghetto and has a good job, that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t “wish a bitch would”! She has all the aforementioned things in her purse that the normal lady does, she just also has a shank, extra pointy-ass rings (in case she has to snatch a hoe), nail extensions and possibly a handgun.

They are forever war-ready and at first it’s scary but then it’s a little sexy when you realize she takes “ride or die” quite literally. It’s around this time that she would normally regale you with stories of who she used to date. Don’t bother yourself with trying to figure out the names of people or places as you are not a part of that world in the slightest, nor should you be.

“You remember LiL Prickle who rob the liquor store through MurderBush Avenue? That’s my ex!”

“You remember LiL Prickle who rob the liquor store through MurderBush Avenue? That’s my ex!”

Now at first this will strike fear in your heart but you get used to it. Smile and nod my friend. Don’t ever try and fit in by lying like you know these people because then she may try and take you to them or delve into a much darker conversation which would then make you an accessory by affiliation. Be yourself, allow them to be themselves and keep it moving. But embrace the differences between you and enjoy the ride because it only gets better from here.

They’re Cheap Dates

Now don’t get it confused: certain SJs think that because they have white collar jobs and are now rubbing shoulders with the professional elite, they are better than everyone else. I’m not talking about those SJs. I’m talking about the ones who don’t front and are totally about this SJ life. They don’t want to go to Matisse or Graycliffe.

"No Lamothe Parrot? Type place this is?"

“No Lamothe Parrot? Type place this is?”

They are totally down with sitting on their front step with a forty ounce of Absolut and four cans of Bluebird Cranberry Juice. Now you may turn up your nose to that but stop and think for a second: A forty ounce of Absolut costs $15. Four cans of juice will cost about $4. By the time you’re inebriated you’ll both want to eat at which point it will be something quick and easy costing you no more than $20. You just spent $39 (before VAT) on a Friday night, got drunk, ate and probably had some pretty quality SJ sex. Where’s the issue? Any other woman you would have to spend that amount just on her goddamn salad BEFORE she started eating off YOUR plate. Not the SJ. She ordered her food and got nuggets for the drive back home because she was peckish.

Yes I know a lot of females would do this with their man now, but understand that you would do that AFTER he has already spent literally thousands of dollars on you just for you to let him in the house to be that comfortable. The SJ, God bless her, is doing this on date #2. There’s no downside to this people. And no that doesn’t make her a “hoe” or “easy”. She just understands that life is short, vodka is cheap, and eating a Wendys # 7 with cheese on a stoop getting drunk is way more fun than sitting up in Sapodilla with her “good bra” on pretending to understand why they don’t serve Lamothe Parrot.

“Oh the places you’ll go!”

Dr Seuss once said, “You’ll look up and down streets. Look ’em over with care. About some you will say, ‘I don’t choose to go there.’ With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.”

Under any other circumstances that quote would apply to any one of us every day of our lives. I’m a big guy but trust me, when I drive through certain roads on this island I lock my doors and try not to make eye contact.

“I better cut this rap music down before they think I’m one of them. Where did I put that Alanis Morissette cd?”

“I better cut this rap music down before they think I’m one of them. Where did I put that Alanis Morissette cd?”

Alas, when you date the SJ, sooner or later she’s gonna drive, and trust me, “Oh the places you’ll go” is an understatement. For example: when I dated this SJ I simply said, “I feel like some good conch”. Seeing as it was night time I was under the impression that we’d be going to Bamboo Shack, the Fish Fry or, you know, some place with lights. Nope. We ended up near what I assumed was a house but what turned out to be a full on take-out spot. You got your food through an actual window from a lady whose face I never saw for a price that seemed way too cheap for what we had ordered.

But Andrew Sean Bain ain’ no bitch. So I got the food and we went on our merry way. I inquired on the whereabouts of a liquor store so that we could perhaps partake in libations while we eat whatever the hell was in the City Market plastic bag I was given through the window earlier. Again, I was thinking we’d go in town to a Butler & Sands, Bristol or, you know, some place with lights. Wrong again. We ended up in the back of somebody’s house who just happened to (illegally) sell the coldest beers I’ve ever had in my life. She decided it was a good idea for us to eat there seeing as she was familiar with the locals. (I call them locals because I have no clue where I was, I  assumed I was still in New Providence).

Me that night

Me that night

Now I’ve said a few things in jest but do note that that was one of the most fun nights of my life. The conch was excellent, the beer as I said was magic and I’ve never laughed so much in my life. Granted, regardless of the fun, you stay in constant fear for your well being. But outside of overt paranoia, SJs are a ton of fun in their own element.

They are loyal (ride or die)

Ladies now-a-days talk loyalty until it’s time to practice it, then all of a sudden they go “ghost”. Ladies leave for small issues: a guy loses his job, isn’t making enough money in the time she thinks he should be, gets another girl pregnant, you know, trivial matters.

“Ok yes I got her pregnant, yes I cheated, yes there were other girls….but we said forever, Brenda!!!”

“Ok yes I got her pregnant, yes I cheated, yes there were other girls….but we said forever, Brenda!!!”

A lot of ladies leave when the going gets tough because they can’t handle that pressure and, in their minds, they can find someone who has it all figured out. Not the SJ. She is here for it and she’ll roll with the punches.

Lost your job? Small things! “Let’s get some liquor in you and figure this out.” “Short on rent? How much you need Babyboy? I got you.” Hell, I’ve seen situations where grown men are close to fisticuffs and an SJ jumps to her man’s defense ready to throw hands in his honor. That’s loyalty right there. Understand that even though she’s sophisticated, she also grew up hard. She’s fought dudes before….and won. Yea she has her bachelor’s but she also has her master’s in knocking niggas out. She’s ready to ride with you on whatever run you’re on, or die trying to make it happen.

Now, it doesn’t bode well for either of you if some actual real shit goes down because sometimes you need that voice in your ear telling you to call the police and not to “pass me my cutlass”. But it’s nice to know the option is there……and it has a cutlass.

They don’t pretend

Say what you like about the SJ but they don’t suffer fake realities, pomp or circumstance. You know who they are from the gate. Sure, like any other female they may be quiet when they first meet you but by the end of date #1, you’ll be 95% in the know. They keep everything 100. I’ve been in scenarios with ladies where I didn’t find out who they really were until three to six months in then it was too late. See sophisticated ladies have realized that it’s better to release the full crazy when the guy is already invested than to just be their true crazy self from the jump.

Not the SJ. You’ll be sitting on your first date and she’ll tell you all about that time she fought six girls in Charlie’s. She’ll tell you that if a man cheats he may get cut and, depending on the  SJ, she’ll let you know her entire financial status as well, as how much she makes and where she banks. Really they’d be easy to take advantage of if it wasn’t for that cutlass I spoke of earlier.

Pictured above: The SJ with her machete aka "act right"

Pictured above: The SJ with her machete aka “Mr. Act right”

In general though, what you see is what you get. She won’t pretend to have read the books you did or watch the shows you watch. You watching Game of Thrones? Cool! She’s over there deep into Mob Wives. There’s no judgement, no argument, no conversation even. She respects that you’re doing your thing it’s just that she’s also going to do her thing. Don’t like weave? Well too bad. She’s gonna wear the shit out of it regardless. Yes, she’s going to Green Parrot on a Tuesday in twenty inch heels and a cocktail dress…what of it?

It sounds funny but when you really think about it, it’s refreshing because she is her organic self. She knows who and what she is and she makes no qualms about it. Absolutely it’s a bit disconcerting at first but that’s because we’re so accustomed to females on this island pretending to be something they’re not. So hats off to the SJ and her honesty: I wish there were more like you, babygirl.

We joke a lot about SJs but let’s not forget that these are not run-of-the-mill junglesses who actually put you in harms way. Say what you like about the SJ but she’s done with that life. She’s educated, she’s well dressed, well-manicured, she speaks well and she is beautiful. Sure she’s rough around the edges and yes, I know, she turns into a different person when you play Beres Hammond anywhere near her, but hey: she is ours. She is a daughter of our Bahama Land and we love her. We need her. She is the window that allows a lot of us men to see the other side of this island. She is the harbinger of information we never would have known because of our sheltered lives. And most importantly, always remember, she has a cutlass.