The office: The 4 walls of purgatory where you live out 8hrs of your life for 5 days a week. Some of us have cubicles, some of us the fancy corner office and some work in that studio nonsense where there’s no privacy or reason. (Picture of a studio office “It looks cool until u realize everyone saw you ordering dildos off of amazon, Dave�?).
All in all though work gets the bills paid and if you’re lucky you get to work with some pretty chill co-workers. If that’s you then please stop reading as this article has nothing to do with you and your stupid happiness. This is for the rest of us that have to work with a hodgepodge of weirdos, some we hate to love and some we hate to go to jail so we don’t murder their faces. Here are the 7 people who are probably in your office right this second totally reading this over your shoulder.
The Nosey Receptionist
First off the receptionist at any job usually knows everything as they direct calls and greet people at the door. To be fair it’s literally their job to be in your business when you think about it. However, there’s always that one receptionist who is a bit too deep in your business and then talks your shit to everyone around the water cooler or legit just walks up to your desk to “tell you what she heard�?.
I worked at a computer company once, on the 2nd day, the receptionist, who I had met just once, walked to my station and just went off about who the office slut was, who to talk to, who to trust, who not to trust, and reasons why she would leave this job is she didn’t have 6 mouths to feed. She riddled off all that information in 7 minutes and then just left. Heaven forbid someone sends you flowers or comes for a visit, everyone would know who did what and when in a matter of minutes.
“Girl guess who just brought that bitch lunch…..wait, let me come by your cubicle cause this one juicy!”
Now I say all that and still must acknowledge that ANY time you need information on anyone they are the first place I go to. New girl comes to the office and she’s good looking? Hit up the receptionist, she knows the full story and will put that word in depending on if she likes you or not. If she likes you then she’ll get you laid in 24hrs. If she hates you? There’s a reason no one can ever get calls through to you. Now you know why. We hate them for talking but let’s be honest: we need them. They are the information brokers of the office and no matter how we cut it they are a necessary component to our everyday life.
The Office “Slut�?
Now to be clear, usually the men don’t consider this girl a slut and no one is really clear on why she is a slut we just know that all the women in the office call her that. It’s such a wavering definition because really of all the office “sluts�? that I have been told about, very few of them actually had sex with anyone in the office.
She just happens to be the prettier, slimmer, single, more fashionable and at times ditzy girl who hangs around all the guys because all the other women hate her. So really she’s not a slut she’s just better at life than the 48yr old mother of 4 with the cheating husband, high blood pressure and general hate for life.
Stupid Megan with her bachelors degree, no kids and lust for life. Slut!
In contrast our annoyance with the office slut is that she WONT have sex with us. Now to be fair to her, who would really? Have you seen a lot of the guys in these offices? Ladies look around you right now. How many of the guys in your office would you actually let touch your left boob let alone have sex with you? Exactly.
…except Chad. Everyone wants to sleep with Chad.
Ladies please leave this young lady alone. Your bad choices earlier in life has nothing to do with her present good weave, makeup, and general happiness. She did nothing to you so smile and nod. You don’t wanna hear about her weekend fun and she doesn’t wanna hear about how you were home alone with the kids “again�?. Smile, be polite, and keep it moving.
The Not Gay Guy/Girl
Yes I know, don’t ask don’t tell. But ya know what? Mark is super fashionable, he’s never had a girlfriend and he frequently wears fruit flavored lip gloss that makes his lips uncomfortably shiny. We just don’t know if he’s gay.
No one wants to be the asshole to proclaim that someone is gay in the event that they’re wrong. Is it polite to ask when you’re not drunk at the office party that one time and now shit is weird? Maybe. But let’s be honest it’s just more fun watching it than it is actually having full blown proof. Deep down you don’t wanna know you just enjoy the mystery of it all.
That one girl with the short hair, deep voice and penchant for tight hugs with females is a joy to watch and even more fun to gossip about. Why does she almost always wear pants? Does she just not like to wear make-up? Basketball shorts for casual Friday….really? The coup de grace is when you ask someone else about it who you presumed didn’t notice and their initial joy that you share in their confusion. Its like a kid on Christmas. The bulging eyes, the sheer elation. They are so overjoyed that you too wonder why Carl says “slay, girl!�? a lot, knows and has an elaborate opinion of every cast member of Real Housewives of Atlanta……and why he’s always traveling to Atlanta. In the end it really is none of your business whether they are or not. To each his own. But anything that makes the 8hrs go by faster is worth it.
Seriously, Mark? SERIOUSLY?!?!!
The Wise Cleaning Lady/The Witch
Housekeepers come in all shapes and sizes but in most offices they are normally older ladies who are actually the sweetest people ever…..or they’re the devil. It all depends. If you get the wise cleaning lady she’s normally like a den mother: You go to her with all your problems and her response almost always varies on “Give it to Jesus�?, “God is in control, baby�? or “Well in my day (insert wisdom here)�?. Always a kind word and their voices never go above a whisper.
God bless these women because normally they have far bigger problems in their lives than you have and yet they come to work every day cleaning up after your shitty self and never complain. However, if you have the witch, then God help you. The witch is a combination of the receptionist and Satan. She’s like the witch from Hansel and Gretel: She lures you in with inquiries of your life and circumstance, making you believe she’s the wise cleaning lady. Then BOOM! All your business is put out in the office. Then when you call her out on it she not only denies it but refuses to fucking clean anything within a 5ft radius of you. She will watch your garbage overflow with lunch boxes and starbucks cups and politely walk past you.
Shouldn’t have been talkin shit, Belinda!
You can complain all you want but she has your manager/boss under her thumb, she knows who pays the bills. I pray you all have the wise one because I wouldn’t wish the later on my worst enemy.
Ladies and gents I can’t emphasize this enough: Be nice to this person. Your life could depend on it. And yes, you know who the office psycho is, you’ve always known deep down in your heart you just didn’t want to think they would snap. See the office psycho is visible to people like me who people watch. No they aren’t the ones always complaining.
They aren’t the loud talkers or the gossipers. No they’re the people who you KNOW hate their job, hate all of you, and they are one McDonalds-not-having-any-egg McMuffins away from killing everyone in your office. They’re normally quiet, mousy individuals who seem either shocked or annoyed that you’re even talking to them.
This is what wanton murder looks like.
You try and bring up some pop culture topic and they say some left field shit like “Oh I don’t watch TV I just mostly play with my ferrets and give myself piercings�?. Then when you inquire about the piercings due to the fact that you don’t see any on them they laugh and say, “I know right lol�?, and then walk away. See? We’ve all had that conversation.
Whatever they are into facilitate it. Buy ferret food. Buy them coffee or their beverage of choice ever so often. Whatever you need to do to not be the victim of some mass murder/suicide do it. Because when that day comes and he’s just shot Becky, your cubicle mate, in the throat, he’s gonna walk to your desk and without blinking say, “Thanks for the ferret food�?, and then totally not kill you. A word to the wise is sufficient.
This person never has nor will they ever be happy. They are why I question if Jesus REALLY died for us all.
Seriously Jesus? You Died for Diane? Cause honestly she’s just the worst
Misery loves company and these people personify the word. They have nothing nice to say and love to say it to you as often as they can. If it’s a sunny day it’s too hot. If it’s cool then they want the sun. Husband brings them flowers? He brought the wrong ones. Wife brings them lunch? It’s not what he wanted. It’s really enough to make you want to blow your brains out. ……or theirs.
To make matters worse they are normally married to, or dating, the sweetest human beings ever. Very rarely do you see 2 miserable people fall in love and stay together. They always end up with some Mother Theresa type female of Desmond TuTu type dude and everyone in the office gets doe eyed as to how that even happened. In meetings that you pray would end in 10minutes, they’re the ones that make it last an hour because they have “one more thing to say�?. Then they come to your cubicle with a barrage of negative sentiments about nothing that you’ve ever cared about. These people are dangerous because they are energy vampires: They suck the energy out of your day and can make you sleepy, lethargic and at times even depressed. I’ve worked at places where I go to work in a pleasant mood then here comes Grumpy McAssHat complaining about the price of Bananas going up 22cents. I’m not saying we should pool our monies together to buy a gas chamber, put them all in and watch them perish, I’m just saying let’s see how much that shit costs because fuck them, honestly.
Men, we have to take the L on this one. I’ve never seen a female creeper and if there was one there’s always a man somewhere willing to have sex with a vagina. A creeper is a person who is always nasty, turns anything and everything sexual and you’re pretty sure would try and diddle you if the power went out. He doesn’t care who’s around and somehow no one ever reports him to HR for his creepiness.
He’s the guy always staring at women making them feel uncomfortable and always has something dirty to say for no reason whatsoever.
This guy has a picture of you in his phone and trust me, he “uses” it.
Trust me ladies it’s hard to watch him creep on you but it’s also pretty bad having to hear the depraved shit that comes out of his mouth. Guys could be having general “who in the office would you make sex with?�? conversation and here comes the creeper with some outlandish Hannibal Lecter shit. “I would love to tie Patrice up, gag her and then pour soy sauce all over her body whilst calling her ‘mother’ the whole time�?.
What makes it harder is he’s normally an ok guy as a person once no girls are around and you’re talking about sports or whatever. But the minute a female even gets near the situation he dives back into his nasty abyss. Ladies, he’s not kidding because he totally will do you if you ever offer it up. Travel in large groups and never be alone with him especially at the office party. He’ll sit back, watch u get drunk then be the first to offer to make sure you get home “safe�?. He probably won’t rape you but you might wanna have a shank on you just in case he gets frisky.
Actually, never mind. Catch a ride with The Grump: she’ll not only get you home safe but her negative energy will suck the drunk/fun right out of you. Like my Grandfather always used to say: “Better safe than tied up in some creeper’s basement�?.