By Drew
Perhaps the cause is Ozymandian . The poet Shelley wrote a poem by that name. The poem is about the rise and fall of the elite and a certain kind of hubris. Something you need in spades to be an influencer or a creative and that’s not a bad thing on a level. Shit, even I suffer from a bit of it with these god awful articles if I’m being honest.
Being creative is hard and make no mistake: being an influencer regardless of your status takes work, time, focus and personality. To be fair, this island is 21/7 so, to be popular isn’t hard. Sell drugs, move numbers, be a politician or just be not ugly and not fat….
So, considering the times we’re in I thought it would be a good idea to dive into the types of influencers presently in The Bahamas.
The Omnipresent Influencer
We ALL know these people. I could call any of their government names right now and ALL of you would be like….
Yeah, them.
You may even catch them in a commercial or doing a random food review that no one asked for and weren’t hired to do. (For free mind you) You quite literally can never put a finger on where they work or what they do to not only get into these events but to afford alcohol AT said events but somehow someway they there and they are having the time of their life. These people always seem to know everyone and they make it a point to hail everyone leaving behind a trail of people with 2 reactions.
This….
…or….
Everything they do is for social capital. They need to know and need YOU to know that not only did they attend said event but namedrop everyone they saw at the event because to them that information is paramount.
And therein lies the rub. You lowkey HAVE to fuck with these people because they truly are networking elite. They are connected to every person of note in some way shape or form so inevitably you ga need them for something and this is the impetus of their clout. This is where their ego comes from and frankly…it’s well deserved. Keep on showing up and showing out my omnipresent kings and queens! (Because, mind you, they do ALL of this for free)
The “I Keep It Real” Influencer
Y’all ever met someone who says, “I keep it real” but lowkey they just curse a lot online and are super TMI? And for some reason in their mind cursing and being crass on the internet is literally their entire personality?
Yeah, this them.
And, let me be clear: I curse like a sailor. In these articles, in text messages and on podcasts especially. I can’t do it on radio so I get my shit off every podcast I can. I do cursing warm ups.
But some of y’all don’t curse with couth. Y’all just be letting words fly to be provocative which, if that’s your bag….go off. But bey curse with purpose not to convince us you’re not violently insecure. They’ll say this…
…to garner likes and comments on the post like….
…to which the standard reply from this influencer is….
…I mean yeah and I applaud that but ya can’t get mad when someone keeps it real with you. A lot of these types of influencers love to give the insults and play self aware but fuck around and call them out and tell them a bitter truth: They end up cursing even more but now they’re cursing, loud AND wrong.
Honestly the shit is entertaining once you don’t look for depth and just want to feel better about yourself. So I’ll never deny or not watch whatever platform they’re on. Don’t you dare go to therapy….the internet needs you!
The “Do Anything and everything to get attention” Influencer
They still on their naked/words of affirmation stage of their downfall into aging decline?
Wake me up when they start their journey into Christianity and they get their Bahamian accent back. That’s usually their final form and resting place.
I’ll have more to say then.
The Pick Me Influencer
Of all of the types of influencers I mentioned above please don’t misunderstand me; I don’t hate any of them. Like at all. I enjoy them and their respective crafts.
But THESE niggas?
Man oh man I hate these niggas. And y’all know EXACTLY who I mean. I mean the women who post shit like….
Miss….stop. I see the play. Just….stop. NOTHING you’re saying is remotely sustainable or smart. Also une gotta do all this to get a man OR a bag. I rather you start an OnlyFans than to lie about to women with so much abandon unprovoked.
And y’all know the niggas I talkin bout.
Listen, understand me, the game is the game. As long as no one is being hurt and consent is given however you pull niggas or women is never wrong. Godspeed. Just know you sound like a bitch….both of you. I’m not saying you’re a bitch ya know…I’m saying you SOUND like one. And we know what you’re doing : You’re selling a dangerous dream. Tyler Perry wouldn’t even write the shit y’all selling.
Pull who you can pull. Just know we know who and what y’all really are and the answer isn’t coming back…straight.
The Facebook Essayist
Let’s say Eyewitness News does a story on a scourge of eagles sexually assaulting potcakes all through Nassau. Like actual eagles just feeling up potcakes with their eagle claws sexually…
The news spreads and we all discuss it in our whatsapp group chats, Facebook pages etc. INEVITABLY this influencer is going to wake up, in the morning mind you…..EARLY, and they won’t kiss their loved ones. They won’t pray to white Jesus. They won’t even get the bibby out their eye. They will open their laptop and, stop me if you heard this one….
BEY.
Go pee, beloved.
Check on your family. Maybe make some coffee or drink some water. Or, if you don’t mind, you could actually…and follow me now….shut the hell up? Have ya thought about that? To be clear that’s YOUR Facebook and you’re entitled to post how you feel. I’m a fat miserable man….I’m willing to accept that this is a personal issue I have. But I is hear the whispers in peoples houses bey. I could feel them talkin about you.
I just saying bey….leave the reporting to Jerome Sawyer and Clint them. You is work in HR , my nigga. Human resource to your heart’s content and leave us out of it. In the name of JESUS leave us out of it.
For what it’s worth, I don’t hate any of these people tho I question their artistic choices sometimes. It’s even more frustrating when niggas like Schin Nyugen don’t get NEARLY as much recognition as they deserve. I’m sorry but my pen will NEVER be as good as his and I need y’all to understand we are watching this man be a genius at work. And there are others that do their thing and mind their business. My friend Elly is be eating all type nonsense but she posts her little weird food, take couple pics so y’all could see her glisten in the sun like that vampire nigga…
…and she goes about her day. Belly full of Burger King and Bristol wines. Queen shit.
Sometimes you gotta be self aware. You gotta know how far to take it. And if you get lost along the way, remember that poem by Shelley about Ozymandias: Your legacy is all you have and the internet is forever. There’s a fine line between living in your greatness and drowning in despair.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
“My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!”
No thing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away. – Percy Shelley
You either die a hero or……
Be safe tho
