When you first start dating you think you know it all. I remember my first time being in love I thought I knew all the rules. I had my “wifey” so she had to stay at home while I go out, cheat, drink and party with my friends and she better be home waiting for me. That little shitstorm ended with me punching a hole in my apartment wall and crying like a bitch for her to come back.
“I put in a marginal amount of effort and did nothing to keep her but she still wont love me, bro??”
In my mind that’s what was supposed to happen because that’s what I always heard my boys who were in relationships say. It never once dawned on me to be anything outside of their notions of what a stable relationship was at the time. I’m older and if I’m being honest I’m still not good at it but I’d like to think I’m learning and evolving. However, in my experience, there’s some shit we need to cut out of the playbook because it’s either dead wrong or just a fallacy created by people who read way too many self-help books and spend far less time in the trenches. I’ve survived many a crucible and these are the 5 Lies we tell ourselves about relationships .
“There’s someone out there for everyone”
If this is true then why are there millions of people dying alone every day? People love to throw this around especially when it comes to violently unattractive people who will most likely never find someone to accept them as is. We can sugarcoat this as much as we want but if we’re being honest there’s a large group of people that we as a society have deemed unlovable (in the romantic sense) and what’s worst, un-fuckable.
Where’s the lie?
Vanity aside, there are also those who are just horrible, miserable human beings who swat love away like an annoying pest. You know these people because you see them every day or they’re a part of your family. We all have that one cousin, aunt, uncle etc. that never got married or found love and then decided to be alone forever. They’re normally the ones that, when asked, say “Jesus is MY man!”
Women who date Jesus exclusively sure cry alone a lot
I’m not trying to sell the notion that you have to be with someone to be happy or that being single for an overly extended amount of time is some sort of travesty. But if I can concede that, can we also agree that there are some people that are actively trying to find their “soulmates” but legit have no hope in doing so for whatever reason? Its math, baby. The laws of probability state that considering there are some 7 billion people on this planet that quite a few of them will just die alone. I pray we all find love and someone to share it with but chances are a lot of people just won’t. Seek happiness and heaven in yourself. After that all you can do is, as my grandmother says, “Give it to Jesus”.
“Karma is coming for them”
Sorry, kids, but this is another lie mothers tell daughters with broken hearts and fathers tell sons with broken legs. Don’t be mistaken, I believe in Karma, but I also realize I can’t control karma and maenuver it as I see fit.
We have people on these streets legit using karma as a weapon the minute some shit THEY don’t like happens. Just because that guy cheated on you does not mean he won’t find his actual soulmate elsewhere and totally live happily ever after. The same way that chick that slept with your best friend probably won’t catch herpes and her vagina fall out of her pants. Yes we can wish that it happens but we’re not at Hogwarts, people. You can’t cast a spell and MAKE the shit happen (Trust me, I tried).
Do you know how many side chicks I’ve seen win and win convincingly the past few years? Prince Charles was allegedly cheating on Princess Diana for years, before their inevitable divorce this dude is still with his side piece. George Clooney, who has banged just about everyone there is to bang and left many a broken heart, just married a damn near perfect female and is pretty happy I’d say. Kim Kardashian who, for all intents and purposes, can be argued as the worst one amongst them is now married and has a child for the biggest name in the music industry after getting popular for having sex on tape with Brandy’s brother.
I know a situation right now where the guy cheated on his wife with her best friend. He left the wife, married the best friend and now they are 2 kids deep and all smiles. Where is this Karma? So please miss me with your prophecies. Karma is real but it’s not going to just manifest when and whichever way you want it to.
It will come full circle when and how it wants to because that’s just life. Sometimes life is just shitty sometimes. Karma just means that the sun won’t shine forever. Bad days will come. And some people just smile a little longer after making someone else cry.
“Love the one you’re with”
What’s funny is the first time I heard this line was in a Luther Vandross song. Luther was gay as a Sunday picnic, in the closet his whole life and singing about settling: how ironic is that?
Kim Davis thinks I’m hilarious at least.
But I digress. This is arguably the most defeatist mantra around because it’s literally saying “fuck it, I’ll roll with you I guess”. Seriously? I have to not only be miserable but “love” my misery just because I can’t be with or find the right person for me? How is that fair?
For too long people stay in horrible situations on the strength of this mantra and this is why marriages are messed up. In your heart of hearts, with no judgement, if you were really honest with your spouse and he/she would just leave with no backlash, would you have gotten married? Would you still in this moment still be married?
So many unhappy marriages could have been avoided if people would just stop this bullshit notion of loving the one you’re with. Life is short and to spend it wasting time with someone because they fit 40% of your base criteria and have a functioning reproductive organ is insane to me. BE in love with the one you’re with or be the hell out.
Lets make that the new saying so we can save the lives of thousands of miserable people who live robotic lives every day trying to make sense of why they even stay. Don’t misunderstand me: If you’re with the one person you do love but shit got rocky then work through it. Fix it if it’s fixable and move forward. But if you know in your heart of hearts you’re not with the person you truly love then honestly, the hell are you doing? Stop loving the one you’re with and be with the one you love.
“Love conquers all”
So many people cling to this as the last thread of hope for relationships. We scrape and grab and crawl uphill to try and make the relationship work when, in the end, it’s just doomed to fail. I’ve been in love with the person I left and it was hard but it had to happen. Love and relationships are mutually exclusive concepts and people need to come to grips with that.
You can be in love with someone and they not love you back the same way you can be with someone who’s in love with you and feel nothing for them. It’s hard to make both things work because we are human.
Sometimes you meet people at really bad times in their lives and you fall in love with them for who they are but in the end that relationship becomes toxic because both parties can’t make that relationship work for the time it existed. But that has nothing to do with the love you have for that person or how in love you are with them. It just means that you guys weren’t meant to be in that space in time if ever. It’s a horrible reality but love can’t fix broken people the same way staying together can’t fix a broken heart.
More or less what it feels like staying in a doomed relationship
Love doesn’t cure cancer, it doesn’t make someone out of love fall in love and it will not fulfill a dream. Sure it can act like a driving force or inspire, but it doesn’t have that power to change what isn’t willing to be changed. I believe in the power of love, I just don’t think that that power is absolute.
“Birds of a feather flock together”
The older we get the less this makes sense and for some reason people still believe this as truth. Think about your friends. The ones you’ve made in the past 5 years and the ones you’ve known for the past 15. Are any of them alike? I’ll keep this in-house as an example: Within 10th Year Seniors we have Renaldo who’s violently engaged, Taige, Timmy and Randy are in pretty strong relationships (considering these women can tolerate Taige, Timmy and Randy), Dakarai, John and I are aggressively single (John not so much by choice but we’re working on that) and Ammo the Intern is Pansexual….which we’re totally okay with.
Even as a youth Ammo was…..different
We all get along, we’re not best friends but we hang and socialize. Within that group not one of us are alike 100% and if we’re being honest, Sannie (Renaldo’s “perfect” fiancé), based on Dakarai and my track records alone, could very well take umbrage with Nal chilling with us or going out with us. But I think in her heart of hearts she knows that even though we’re single, we would do nothing to ruin his long term happiness with the woman he chose and neither would he.
As I said in a previous article, if a person is going to cheat they are going to cheat. Cut the bullshit about “influences”. I know men that have stayed faithful in a room full of willing strippers as well as I know men who are pastors, hang with pastors and cheat their heads off. At some point you have to be an adult and recognize that a person’s friends don’t reflect who they are. If your lover swayed because their friends encouraged them to sway then they are weak. Period.
If friends can do that then imagine what life will do to them in the long run. My squad is small but it’s diverse. They know full well Drew is gonna do what he wants to do regardless of their input and vice versa. If your dude or girl have people in their ears controlling their lives then that’s not “birds of a feather”, that’s a weak individual and you need to re-evaluate your situation.
“Men/Women Ain’t Shit”
Let’s be clear: in your mind you keep dating the same type of person and now you want to blame the entire gender for your stupidity? Or the inverse: You keep acting the same way with the person you’re with, keep getting the same results and again…..the entire gender is the same?
If you’re constantly dating “Ain’t shit” people then maybe you “ain’t shit”. Sorry to be the one to tell you but that’s fact. I know females who keep dating hustlers and drug dealers hoping to God they get the ONE dealer who they can take home to mom.
“See mom, this one open hand slaps me not closed fist. That’s how I know he’s different”
I also know men who only date strippers or stripper-esque females and are confused when they catch them with another dude. How is this confusing? Bad weaves and gold teeth don’t lie, people. Listen, if you’re at an experimental stage in your life where you want to weigh your options and see what’s out there then please by all means go do your thing. No judgement here. But if you’re doing the wedding ring song and dance and trying to find your soulmate then pray tell why are you doing the same shit you did when you were in these streets playing games?
If you want your soulmate then act accordingly and stop doing shit. Do not blame an entire gender for your inability to find your person. Not all men are bad and not all women are horrible. There are quite a few good ones out there for both genders. But it just so happens that the good men aren’t in Endzone drunk at 3am and the good women aren’t……….well, in Endzone drunk at 3am.
And if that doesn’t work and you end up in the same bullshit then it’s time to look within, and that’s scary. Because then you’ll have to actually realize how broken you are and have to put those pieces together. That takes time and effort.
Love and relationships don’t come with a playbook. Seeking solace in mantras and rhymes is pointless because all situations are different. Love is an endless waltz to a never ending song and all you can do is hope to learn the steps before the dance is over. But, for what it’s worth, never stop dancing.