By Drew

 

A little known fact about 10thYearSeniors: We really don’t like people. I’ve never considered myself a “creative” because I’m a pretty terrible person and more or less alone most of the time. But my alone time is spent reading, feeding the homeless and volunteering at puppy shelters because cuteness!

Ok that’s not true. Typically theres scotch, pizza and sadness involved…sometimes masturbation but thine ya business  #WorryBoutYaself

I’ve been in more weddings than I can count. Shannon, Boyo, Joe, Yemi, Rob Stark….the list goes on. For some reason, I think a lot of us don’t want to see whats REALLY happening before these people get engaged let alone married. Its kinda like the way we know Basil Dean has no idea what he’s doing but we’re good with it cause……you know…..if its been broke all your life, why fix it?

“Expect a 92% chance of sunny rain snow showers followed by the sea being 2 to 56ft over the ocean. Sunrise starts at 12:10pm and sunset at 12:15pm.” #NeverChangeBasil

Seeing as no one wants to acknowledge the REAL path to love/marriage, I’m here to inform you, believers of Disney romance, that its not as pretty as it seems. The path is dark and full of terrors.

 

Disclaimer: This is NOT the article for your parents to read.

Don’t look at me like that, ladies. I know you gave them some made-up, bullshit story that conveniently sounds like the romantic Netflix movie you watched that time while eating spicy Doritos and drinking diet coke mixed with sadness, in your room alone ALL day Saturday.

This…..this is the saddest 3-5 seconds of your weekend as a single person with no prospects. #We’veAllBeenThere #JudgeYaMa

So, when you DID find your true love, you told your parents and in-laws you guys met like this…

“It was a starry night….Gregory was standing in church illuminated by the light of Michael, the arch angel, who brought him to me as a gift from our Lord God Jehovah…”

When really the first time you met it was like this…

You was drunk, at the beach soca fete, messing with the only nigga with Hennessy bottles. Tell the truth, Sharon. #TalkinBoutDrunkInLove #FOH

And fellas, y’all know how we do.

We just let the woman lie because, just when you were about to be honest and tell your new family how she got drunk, puked up all over your apartment and you STILL hit that in the morning BEFORE she brushed her teeth…… she gives you this look….

“…you got something to say, nigga?”

So niggas bury all that truth deep down inside like so many other dark truths like, “you don’t look fat in that dress” and “Absolutely, you’re the best I ever had”.

 

lol…But I digress.

 

The way we have been dating, theres NO way the majority of you kids have had romantic, cookie cutter beginnings. No, I’m not married but I know niggas and I know gals. Heres a quick guide to the way this shit goes down 70% of the time.

He slides in those dms. He just wants to fuck and you’re intrigued by how articulate he is, handsome, well dressed and, oh look….he uses “your” and “you’re” correctly. This might just be the one!!!

 

What?

 

Oh….. “he just wants to fuck”???

 

Wait…..what did y’all think we were thinking?

 

Lol…#Gals

 

This is what men think when we first DM the woman who ENDS UP being the one.

“Oh shit she responding with the quickness. She gettin grind before the week out!”

Meanwhile y’all over there texting back like…

“Awwwwe. He likes long talks about his feelings and random restaurant photoshoots too!!!” #Nope

 

Silly rabbit.

 

And that’s me assuming y’all DIDN”T fuck that night.

 

No don’t look away.

 

Don’t be like that, ladies.

 

Theres no judgement here. Half y’all had sex, with your now husband, within a week to two weeks tops. No shame in that. I was with one of my ex’s for 5 years and we had sex the first night….after the club….drunk. Waiting to have sex with a guy does nothing to influence the outcome of your potential WITH that guy. Please stop listening to Steve Harvey and these single/divorced gals out here lying to y’all talkin bout “wait 6months so he knows you’re worth it”. Its what happens AFTER the sex that determines if I’m gonna fuck with you or not….6months don’t cure stupid. So you can go with this….

“Holy shit….this girl is interesting and doesn’t seem to be an asshole…I may need to see what this is about now that I know the sex is fire”

…as opposed to the nigga who waited 6months for it and was just biding his time to hit it. So he just agreed with your nonsense, put up with your bullshit, and more or less lied his way through 6 months JUST to hit it FINALLY because yes niggas are just that stupid patient…

“MUDDASICK!!! I coulda been with my Winton cutta this whole time but Ms. UseHerTeethWhileGivingBlowjobs over here told me it was worth it”

But, let’s be honest: That rarely happens.

Now you’re in the big game. See, you don’t know this is the one yet. I mean, women kinda think they know but moving forward there’s gonna be some shit they find out, and that we will inevitably do, that will make them doubt the fuck out of what they’re doing. And men? We never know: We just wanted to add a gal to our already outstanding sex roster.

“Ok so Karen has been slacking lately so I’m demoting her but this Gina chick is REALLY showing a lot of potential. May change her name in my phone from ‘NastyGina’ to maybe just ‘Gina’…we’ll see”

Oh ya….thats a big deal.

In the beginning I had one of my ex girlfriends names saved as “Gal From Waterloo: Green Eyes” for the better part of 5 months….it happens.

Gals ain no better.

Even your passive aggressive names for us are adorable. Gals out here saving niggas as “Potential Fred” and “Soon Baby Daddy”. The bad ones save niggas as “Lunch” and “BPL Bill” and “$500 Pregnancy Scare money for purse”.

 

I know the time. Y’all ain slick.

 

And understand, people: That’s ok. No one knew “Da Glass Kitchen” would be a good eatery. I for fucking sure didn’t. My dumb ass was quite upset there was not an inch of glass in that bitch. But when I tasted the food consistently I was like…

“I’m not upset that y’all closed today I’m just disappointed, Erika! I miss you is all and wanted to know when the hot hell I ga get my gatdamn burger you were safe”

So lets do a recap.

We’ve been texting for a week or so and we’ve had sex within that time.

This is where it gets tricky.

He’s been doing shit like ghosting you here and there and showing up maybe half the time and, because of this, she had to fuck around and call in her old cutta cause a woman has needs.

 

Yes ladies, we know y’all have that one dick on the side y’all call when “Mr Potential” fuckin up. Ween mad…..we was doin the same thing.

 

We know we texted this…

“Ya, sorry….my mom got bitten by an ocelot in the face….plus she have the flu so I can’t make it tonight. Maybe Next week?”

….then you texted this…

“Ok no problem, I hope she feels better….text me later let me know she’s ok. Miss you tho!”

….but really meant this….

“An Ocelot, my nigga? You stupid piece of shit. Lol…this nigga think it’s the game. You ga learn today”

 

 

“Other guy….what you up to? I need some. 10 mins? K….door will be open. Oh and bring Gatorade if you passin Rubis please.” #AlwaysSomethingTheyNeedOnTheWay

What you DIDN’T know was…

“Hey….ya I tell her some shit. We good to go. Cancel the room? Your boyfriend left to get Gatorade? Weird….regardless, on my way….yeah I’ll bring Wendys…text me the order”

Ah, Nassau….where everyone is fucking everyone but not really until we get caught.

Sooner or later someone (the woman) decides to have the adult conversation and just admit that hey…..the fuck we doin, bey? We know we’re good together, we know this makes sense….we know we love each other so, in the infamous words of DMX…”Is you with me or what?”

 

He also said, “Moms got a thirst that’ll get her put in a hearse”..so not everything he said was perfectly ok.

This is where it all speeds up.

You both cut off the cuttas…. which I just realised is super ironic and lowkey Shakespearean. And now you’re in a relationship. Things are actually pretty great. You move in with each other. That goes well. Walkin around naked. Having pillow talk and making promises that, guess what…..you’re actually gonna keep!!

“Shit. I got a headache from all this genuine honesty and faithfulness gatdamn!” – niggas

A year later you’re engaged. A year after that you’re married.

 

Boom.

 

Just like that.

 

See how that works?

 

A little known fact about 10thYearSeniors….we really don’t like people.

A well known fact about Bahamians at large…….we don’t really like people.

Its why we whatsapp instead of actually dating from the onset. Its why you snuck in each others DMs but didn’t say shit when you could have when you saw each other in person before you did: Social interaction has become hard and taxing. We fuck quickly…faster than our parents would have imagined because we really don’t have time to waste because, goddamnit, we’ve been through enough headache in our lives. We just wanna see whats good before we waste any more of our time.

Its why we never cut the cuttas off immediately.

Its why we fought and lied and deceived and was passive aggressive because we really didn’t think this would be happening with someone we once thought was broken.

Its why it was all worth it because, lest we forget, there was a time when men and women waited and went through the motions and didn’t have sex for 6 months and never lived together and never had whatsapp so there were no “good morning” and “good night texts”: The small reassurances that we’re not where we belong yet but maybe…just maybe.

I juice several niggas while you was figuring your shit out. But they wasn’t gettin Good Morning/Good Night texts like you!

Our generation is far from perfect and obviously what I wrote above is NOT the overall standard.

I imagine Alexis and his wife met on top of a mountain after being celibate all their lives because they knew they were destined for one another.

Meanwhile, at the soca fete beach party….drunk…..

I didn’t put a caption because that picture above is also love. Alexis’s story is no better than TImothy’s.

You can’t pick and choose how love finds you or the path you take to your forever. May it be on top of a mountain or drunk at a soca party.

 

Love is love.

 

Blessed is the broken path to love, marriage and forever.

 

I pray it leads you all where you belong.

 

 

Be Safe Tho

 

 

You Are (Not) Alone

 

 

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