By Drew

 

So it was 2010 on Village Road and I’m in love with Venny. I had dated white women before but never a “Conchy Joe”. I thought what all black Bahamian men thought: She’s probably rich and will buy me expensive gifts because all white people are rich regardless of where they’re from….right??

…y’all ain save all that gold and doubloons after conquering everyone/owning people? SMT

I was aghast to find they actually had problems like the rest of us. Hell….I didn’t even know white men cheated on gals! Lets be honest, hearing about a man cheating is like hearing that someone just shot up a school in the states: You don’t wanna assume but deep down….you know what you’re thinking. The general Bahamian consensus is cheaters look like this…

“Hi…I’m Jamal…how ok are you with adultery and wanton sexual perversion as I’m black and genetically predisposed to infidelity apparently. #HeMussyAmericanCauseBahamianMenDontCheat #Kidding #WeCheatSoMuch”

And the American school shooter typically behaves like….

lol…its funny cause its true #NotOurConchyJoesTho

I was ignorant, I was wrong and I sincerely apologise on behalf of myself and a few other niggas. So I’ve penned this ode to the minority group (yes, you read that right, Americans) to say you are appreciated, you are loved, and we will protect you when the robots come to kill us all.

They is run now. Y’all keep worryin bout Minnis and the Saxons tho…

Also, shut up Hotep/Ankh niggas….I see y’all looking at me like…

They so mad at me for being a good person and not being fake woke…..go not eat bacon, niggas!! #DoY’allWearDeodorant?

To clarify for my 1 1/2 foreign readers, a Conchy Joe is a white Bahamian. Only criteria being they were born here, live(d) here, and appreciate and embrace what it truly means to be an island boy/girl. I know what you’re asking. “How will I know?” and “How will I be able to weed out true Bahamians from those that just say “muddasick!” repeatedly to convince people they are?”

 

Easy.

 

Put on “Murder She Wrote” by Chaka Demus & Pliers. If this is their reaction….

…then you are being lied to and please call 911 as you are witnessing a crime.

 

But if their reaction is this….

Then she is either from the Bahamas or definitely from the Caribbean.

 

Understand that that video clip is consistent with my sentiments on Facebook the other day.

White people caan dance, bey

See what I did there in the caption above?

Now to the average person the term “white people” would be referencing both the Conchy Joes AND the Americans but, alas, that is not the case in the Bahamas. A white person is Tom Hanks who arguably is the whitest man on earth. A Conchy Joe is Johnathon Marcus Nutt or Alexis…..and to be honest there are even nuances to that shit.

 

See pictures below for further clarification.

Pictured above: A white man aka Conchy Joe…and Johnathon isn’t even fully white but that’s a whole other convo

 

Pictured above: “Long island white”

See the difference?

Ya, me either…..and that’s what foreigners need to understand about the Conchy Joe….its not a colour or race…it’s a feeling.

“White gals like you wouldn’t understand, bey”, said Conchy Joe Sarah to white Bethany

It’s the most compartmentalised prejudice that you will ever find and I refuse to apologise for it.

And yes, there are some racist Conchy Joes. Lets not act like half y’all grandparents didn’t hate niggas until they ended up with mixed grandkids/great grandkids.

Amazing how a child can heal hate…..and get SO much free Wendy’s

My biggest joy is watching a Conchy Joe grandparent taking her multitude of mixed grandkids into Wendy’s…

 

Also, right quick…..why y’all love Wendy’s so much?

That’s not even me being racist. I’ll extend an olive branch: I will openly admit that niggas have an (un)healthy obsession with chicken, we run fast and we have large noses.

Those are just facts.

And to those fake woke people that wanna get into semantics….

Theres a fucking chicken sitting in the middle of the highway and not far from one of the 22 KFC’s, Popeyes, Bamboo Shacks, On The Runs, chicken locations on this island. By the power of grayskull, please have ALL of the seats #FOH

So, with that being said, y’all really love y’all some Wendy’s, bey.

 

What’s that about?

 

Whats funny is theres a Conchy Joe reading this right now thinking I’ve crossed the line while simultaneously thinking of their order at Wendys that they will probably get shortly after reading this.

“Girl I right here reading Andrew article and he is SO racist……you passing by Wendys tho? #OneNumberSixAddCheeseAndBaconWithDietCoke”

Outside of their undying love for Wendy’s, Conchy Joes are more or less niggas without a tan.

 

Actually, unpopular opinion, but they arguably utilize this island WAY more than black Bahamians.

 

I’m lying? I’m gassing them?

 

Ok….you about to go on a boat every weekend to go fucking “camping” on a random island?

 

You about to tattoo all the islands of the Bahamas or “242” on your body? Sure SOME of you will but based on my timeline Conchy Joes are out here enjoying the sun, sand AND sea. Niggas go to the beach on long weekends and guess what we’re taking….

There is strong niggadry afoot

Niggas don’t even swim because either we can’t swim or…you know…..weaves.

Now, to be fair, out island folks tend to do islandy shit as well so please understand I am speaking from a purely Nassauvian (is that a word?) perspective. I’m an Island/City boy so ya…..I watch my friend Kerry Pinder and Co. freak themselves out with the boating and what not from the comfort of my bedroom with the AC on 17 and the Lasko on 3.

While dating a Conchy Joe I learned your secrets as well.

First off there is no difference between a black Bahamian woman and a white one. Get that “white women are easier to handle” shit off your mind, beloved. That shit may work in Canada or America but over here you can get the smoke from LaQuana OR Brittney.

It’s the same energy.

“YOU TINK ITS A GAME AYE BEY?! MY DADDY DON’T FLICKIN YELL AT ME AND YOU WAN BE BIG MAN IN HERE LIKE I WONT CUT YOU BRUH!!!”

I feel bad for foreigners especially the black foreign “gangsters” that think they’re impressing some female Conchy Joe with their war stories.

lol….silly rabbit.

Beloved, this young lady was in the middle of Kemp Road in ’98 during the Hoyas and Raiders war and she handed her boyfriend, LIL Prickle, the chopper so he could rain fire on his enemies and you think saying “I’m from Harlem” will impress her?

“…so I bust that nigga in the head with a Guiness bottle and then stashed a kilo in the bush because CID was comin. But tell me more about Harlem tho….”

Be respectful.

Something else I learned was Palmdale is lowkey the white ghetto. Y’all think y’all slick. Notice the uppity Conchy Joes only go Palmdale to do “banking” or go to Lorene’s but otherwise they don’t fuck with Palmdale too heavy.

“I heard Sheryl hit hard times and lives in **whispering** Palmdale….”

Whats hilarious is Palmdale is nice kinda. Ine know why y’all mad but whatevs.

 

I also have a sneaking suspicion that Brent Symonette is lowkey y’all messiah in some weird way. I have no proof of this and I’m probably way off base but I can’t get this image out of my head to save my life…

“Ok so the tea is ine really know what Minnis doin but I trying my hardest to fix this…..anyway, I have some fry snapper and 3S Rolls I summoned from the sky if y’all hungry.”

And, on behalf of niggas, let me apologize for a phrase I think we’ve used FAR too often and we need to stop IMMEDIATELY cause its not cute at all, bey.

 

“You have black in you aye? Cause you act just like us!!”

Um….how does one act “black”?

Now, in defense of that comment, which was probably made by a person not accustomed to being around Conchy Joes, understand there was not a shred of malice associated or linked to that. You have to realize that the perception of the proletariat is that y’all racist, talk like every white person on CSI Miami, smell like chlorine and kiss your dogs in the mouth.

Ok….much like niggas with chicken, this is highkey facts #LookingAtYouJohn

As insane as it may seem, a lot of black Bahamians have never interacted with Conchy Joes so there will always be some growing pains.

However, niggas….we gotta stop saying that. We’ve also gotta stop referring to Conchy Joes as “white boy/girl” in public cause imagine if they did that.

“Who. You. Callin. Black. Boy??!!!”

Exactly.

It’s insulting. They don’t have black in them. THEY ARE BAHAMIAN. How do you grow up your whole life with niggas and not know how to wine, season food and not do dumb white shit?

I enjoy it when Americans speak to a Conchy Joe and get blasted with that thick accent. Imagine if a Conchy Joe had a cooking show on the food network….how lit would that be?

“No but Karen une even season this chicken tho? Come…..pass the season-all cause you on some other shit!!”

Verily I say unto niggas, lucky is the foreigner, white or otherwise, that marries a Conchy Joe for theirs is a high seasoned heaven.

Let’s be clear, you’re lucky to be marrying ANY Bahamian woman point blank period(t). ALL of our women are beautiful and deserving of love, affection and your absolute best.

 

…lol

 

Kidding .

Some of them crazy, don’t deserve a penny and you should probably never mess with them if you care anything about your mental well being

But most are amazing tho.

That being said: Can we just admit that when these Conchy Joes go off to school that I’m sure they blow niggas minds with just who they are??

Really?

Y’all really thought “Becky” was gonna wake up in the morning and make you fire engine and yellow grits with extra gravy and limeade??

Becky????

Naw, not Becky.

I don’t think Justin Timberlake is ready for a hypothetically Conchy Joe Jessica Beal to make him grouper fingers, peas and rice, cole slaw, and macaroni with a cold Kalik.

That’s not the Justin Timberlake we signed up for.

“Look…LOOK WHAT SHE DID TO ME!!!”

But not all Conchy Joes are friendly. And I’m not even talking about the lowkey racist ones in Lyford Cay cause I think we all agree that they’re pretty much afraid of all of us that are “in town”.

“You musn’t go there, Phillip. That’s Blair…..only the unwashed and upper middle class live there. Filth!!” #WeAreAllBrokeToThem”

Not them.

The most dangerous Conchy Joes I’ve ever encountered are those raised in the ACTUAL ghetto. You ever see these niggas? Don’t act like only I get nervous when I see a gangster Conchy Joe walking down the middle of East St South with, what can only be, murder and drugs on his mind. They are the most dangerous Conchy Joes….nay…..BAHAMIANS on this island.

He was born a Daniel but he’ll die a “White Boy Hatcher” #StayWoke

So here’s to you, Conchy Joes.

You’re not better than us, you’re not lesser than us….you ARE us.

I know theres a history of racism, classism and other isms that people bring up on social media and the news. I’m as woke as anyone else. But I was taught to love. Love has no color. Oh I’m not one of these jackasses that claims “I don’t see color”…yes the hell I do. Y’all white, I’m black as shit, and Miguel aka Frank is lightskin.

I will never not defend this…..@ ya ma

But I wasn’t raised to hate. Because how can you hate a whole other race when your primary school class photo looks like this?

We are weaker when we are divided and lesser when we create division.

 

Ya born here, ya raised here so ya Bahamian.

 

Be safe tho.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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