My Birthday is December 28th…..yes, it has always sucked. Keep in mind my mother loves white Jesus with an awkward amount of intensity and my father was a mans man. He gave my mother the money for gifts and come Christmas morning he did what all fathers do: He regretted not pulling out in the first place.
My mother gave gifts like books, socks, puzzles, and then more books. I think we all know and understand that, come January, high school protocol states you bring all of your Xmas gifts to school to show people how poor you aren’t…especially in private school.
After years of shitty gifts and “combined” Xmas and birthday gifts for 36 years I think it’s time we address you ladies and give some sage advice concerning what to buy your man this xmas.
Lets first get one thing clear….and I mean REALLY goddamn clear…
VAGINA IS NOT A FRIGGIN GIFT!!
SEX IS NOT A GIFT!!
SUCKING DICK IS NOT A GIFT!!
DOING ANAL IS NOT A GIFT!!!
Who raised you people to think that any sexual act is equivalent to the fucking $1500 I just spent in David Yurman?
Ladies, unless you refurbished your pussy with surgery, science and or prayer, then please stop putting on your old lingerie, dimming the lights and tryna fuck your way through Christmas. You bout to get the same 3 ½ moves for the same 3 ½ minutes and then we both bout to eat leftover turkey, pee and go to bed.
And for all you women rolling your eyes at me and looking at your boyfriend or husband sideways waiting for a rebuttal imagine if he did the same thing.
Stop being lazy. We had that vagina for 364 days….how bout you make the 365th day special and actually try.
Also, stop buying things YOU think we need or things “from the heart”
We really don’t care about how you feel about us or where your heart/mind lead you to go for us. I’m tired of females buying shit from their “hearts” and expecting us to ignore the fact that we spent hundreds, possibly thousands on y’all asses while we get goddamn collages and “stocking stuffers”
Beloved…..cut it out.
We don’t want socks, we don’t want ties, we don’t even want shoes…..we want what the fuck we want.
Watch me shop for all of 10th Year Seniors….try and keep up:
Dakarai: Books, some annoying sweater trenchcoat cape situation, art
Nal: 3 month membership to macfit, Gym gear, tattoo gift certificate, a soul
John: Macfit membership, tickets to next year UCF game, new grill
Taige: History books, basketball/football gear, a soul
Timothy: new camera, PS4 games, a stable income, eyes
The False God Ricardo Wells: PS4 Game, Apple Music/Spotify Subscription, Double Dragon chocolate cake.
Young Randolph: Anything Adidas has ever made, Gym membership, a professional photo shoot with Barry Williams Photography, neck pillow (for his car naps)
LaShon: nothing because she doesn’t deserve happiness or things of this world.
Alexis: Nigga is talk bout how much he love his wife every day….I think he good.
Javon: PS4 game, Apple music subscription, Gym membership, nachos.
Ashleigh: Until I get my goddamn Brownies she can step on legos until her foot bleeds #ineScared
Look at that…..None of us hang out, All we do is text and I don’t even like man and I know what I would buy these niggas if I was a gal. How y’all in 5+year relationships/marriages and don’t know what to get us? That’s like buying me something insane like a belt or shoes.
Also, ladies: We don’t want to go to any restaurant you want to go to for our birthday or “Christmas treat”. Women will take you to the restaurant THEY want to go to and then get mad when you stop to McDonalds on the way home because the $576 you spent at Island Mahogany Dilla Palace only gave you a teaspoon of some organic fuckery lightly glazed with some pretentious fruit like a plum.
Don’t get me wrong….I know some fancy niggas. They like that shit…..do that with them….more power to you. I’m speaking on behalf of the scotch/beer drinking, burger/wing eating…..at the dive bar always niggas that would rather you take them for a good burger and drinks and you get the tab than to spend a car payment on food you will never want to eat again.
So….what do you buy your man this xmas ladies?
Now if you know your man (you don’t) and think you know what he wants then by all means, have at it and godspeed. But for the other 99.9% that don’t know what your man wants? ASK HIM.
Sure at first he’ll be on some…
lol….that nigga is lying. Trust me. He said that but in his mind he’s saying…
So….say it with me now…..ASK HIM. Demand that he’s honest and concise with you because otherwise he’s gonna resent the fuck out of you on Christmas day. Trust me, I’ve been there.
I once had an ex buy me a fucking belt and made a collage of our relationship…..because I can play that on my PS4.
Understand that I know men are shitty at gifts as well. That’s facts. But at least we either make up for it or just go to old faithful: Jewellery
Perfume should be bundled together with other shit. Thats law. If a man buys you perfume and perfume only then he doesn’t love you and you should probably get in the gym so you can start cheating on him because you deserve better.
But men have an “old faithful” as well.
Laptops, gaming systems, phones….fuck, even watches nowadays. It’s an easy go to. Even if nigga doesn’t mess with tech too much he’ll still have something to play with for a few days before he gets bored and loses it.
Trust me on this.
If you have a fancy dress up nigga then by all means….buy him all the suits and fitted jeans you can find.
If you have a mans man then buy him….I don’t know….a lawnmower or a new cutlass. Unless you’re married to Ranard Henfield at which point you may trigger that nigga.
Know who knows what to buy your man? His sweetheart. Why is it sweethearts and jungless always know what to buy us and never our actual wives?
Bring your recreational outrage to a simmer, Kasmine.
But lets be honest, jungless and sweethearts really do give the best gifts because they are competing for a position they will never obtain. God bless them.
Last jungless I dated treated me like a king. Movado this, basket that. Cologne this and bottle of liquor that. It was the best of times…
Take a page out of Na’keishas book. Ask her what she’s getting her man. Ask one of your hoe friends who is sleeping with some poor womans husband…they have all the answers.
Just do something outside of “I’ll just pick up whatever”.
And if you’re dating a Capricorn please get the second gift. It means more than you can imagine because all our lives we only got the one “shared” gift.
Give a fuck.
But above all else…just remember….
SEX IS NOT A GODDAMN CHRISTMAS GIFT!!!!
Be safe tho.