By Drew

 

My Birthday is December 28th…..yes, it has always sucked. Keep in mind my mother loves white Jesus with an awkward amount of intensity and my father was a mans man. He gave my mother the money for gifts and come Christmas morning he did what all fathers do: He regretted not pulling out in the first place.

“I was supposed to put you on your mothers thigh but she put the Mount Royal belly yuck grind on me and…well….here you are waking me up at 5am”

My mother gave gifts like books, socks, puzzles, and then more books. I think we all know and understand that, come January, high school protocol states you bring all of your Xmas gifts to school to show people how poor you aren’t…especially in private school.

“Oh your mom bought you travel fox and not clarks? How long have you guys been poor?”

After years of shitty gifts and “combined” Xmas and birthday gifts for 36 years I think it’s time we address you ladies and give some sage advice concerning what to buy your man this xmas.

 

Lets first get one thing clear….and I mean REALLY goddamn clear…

 

Ahem

 

VAGINA IS NOT A FRIGGIN GIFT!!

 

SEX IS NOT A GIFT!!

 

SUCKING DICK IS NOT A GIFT!!

 

DOING ANAL IS NOT A GIFT!!!

 

Who raised you people to think that any sexual act is equivalent to the fucking $1500 I just spent in David Yurman?

“Can I trade in your used vagina for an apple smart watch, Becky? No….no I cant”

Ladies, unless you refurbished your pussy with surgery, science and or prayer, then please stop putting on your old lingerie, dimming the lights and tryna fuck your way through Christmas. You bout to get the same 3 ½ moves for the same 3 ½ minutes and then we both bout to eat leftover turkey, pee and go to bed.

 

And for all you women rolling your eyes at me and looking at your boyfriend or husband sideways waiting for a rebuttal imagine if he did the same thing.

“I know you said you wanted a new car but guess who’s getting some semi-hard-but-not-really penis tonight!!!!”

Ya….exactly.

 

Stop being lazy. We had that vagina for 364 days….how bout you make the 365th day special and actually try.

Also, stop buying things YOU think we need or things “from the heart”

We really don’t care about how you feel about us or where your heart/mind lead you to go for us. I’m tired of females buying shit from their “hearts” and expecting us to ignore the fact that we spent hundreds, possibly thousands on y’all asses while we get goddamn collages and “stocking stuffers”

“Oh look! Pictures of us in a book that you got from Kellys for $7.99. Glad I spent my bonus on jewellery and shoes but no no……glad I have pictures of things I hated doing with you in the first place!!”

Beloved…..cut it out.

 

We don’t want socks, we don’t want ties, we don’t even want shoes…..we want what the fuck we want.

 

Watch me shop for all of 10th Year Seniors….try and keep up:

 

Dakarai: Books, some annoying sweater trenchcoat cape situation, art

 

Nal: 3 month membership to macfit, Gym gear, tattoo gift certificate,  a soul

 

John: Macfit membership, tickets to next year UCF game, new grill

 

Taige: History books, basketball/football gear, a soul

 

Timothy: new camera, PS4 games, a stable income, eyes

 

The False God Ricardo Wells: PS4 Game, Apple Music/Spotify Subscription, Double Dragon chocolate cake.

 

Young Randolph: Anything Adidas has ever made, Gym membership, a professional photo shoot with Barry Williams Photography, neck pillow (for his car naps)

 

LaShon: nothing because she doesn’t deserve happiness or things of this world.

 

Alexis: Nigga is talk bout how much he love his wife every day….I think he good.

 

Javon: PS4 game, Apple music subscription, Gym membership, nachos.

 

Ashleigh: Until I get my goddamn Brownies she can step on legos until her foot bleeds #ineScared

 

Look at that…..None of us hang out, All we do is text and I don’t even like man and I know what I would buy these niggas if I was a gal. How y’all in 5+year relationships/marriages and don’t know what to get us? That’s like buying me something insane like a belt or shoes.

“Andrew pretty much lives in sweatpants and flip flops….better buy him some pointy toe shoes to wear never…anything for my bae!”

Also, ladies: We don’t want to go to any restaurant you want to go to for our birthday or “Christmas treat”. Women will take you to the restaurant THEY want to go to and then get mad when you stop to McDonalds on the way home because the $576 you spent at Island Mahogany Dilla Palace only gave you a teaspoon of some organic fuckery lightly glazed with some pretentious fruit like a plum.

“Here we have one months rent worth of hunger that you never asked for but its picture time and you want sex later so…”

Don’t get me wrong….I know some fancy niggas. They like that shit…..do that with them….more power to you. I’m speaking on behalf of the scotch/beer drinking, burger/wing eating…..at the dive bar always niggas that would rather you take them for a good burger and drinks and you get the tab than to spend a car payment on food you will never want to eat again.

 

So….what do you buy your man this xmas ladies?

 

ASK HIM!!

 

Now if you know your man (you don’t) and think you know what he wants then by all means, have at it and godspeed. But for the other 99.9% that don’t know what your man wants? ASK HIM.

Sure at first he’ll be on some…

“’I’m good with just your love, time and affection baby. You and the kids are a blessing and that’s really all I want/need!!”

lol….that nigga is lying. Trust me. He said that but in his mind he’s saying…

“Fuck…if I tell her something expensive she ga use MY money to buy it or just not get it. Let me just play dumb and hope she’s been paying attention to my hints”

So….say it with me now…..ASK HIM. Demand that he’s honest and concise with you because otherwise he’s gonna resent the fuck out of you on Christmas day. Trust me, I’ve been there.

 

I once had an ex buy me a fucking belt and made a collage of our relationship…..because I can play that on my PS4.

“Weird how this cheap pile of crap you gave me cant be installed in my car or fit in my fucking PS4, Karen”

Understand that I know men are shitty at gifts as well. That’s facts. But at least we either make up for it or just go to old faithful: Jewellery

Not perfume.

Perfume should be bundled together with other shit. Thats law. If a man buys you perfume and perfume only then he doesn’t love you and you should probably get in the gym so you can start cheating on him because you deserve better.

Eau De Fuck it…..ine stressing

But men have an “old faithful” as well.

 

Technology.

 

Laptops, gaming systems, phones….fuck, even watches nowadays. It’s an easy go to. Even if nigga doesn’t mess with tech too much he’ll still have something to play with for a few days before he gets bored and loses it.

 

Trust me on this.

“No clue what this is but I’m about to show this off to ALL my niggas who got socks and nothing” #NiggasDumb

If you have a fancy dress up nigga then by all means….buy him all the suits and fitted jeans you can find.

If you have a mans man then buy him….I don’t know….a lawnmower or a new cutlass. Unless you’re married to Ranard Henfield at which point you may trigger that nigga.

Ranard Henfield: Superpower? Saving all the lives he could and Letting people down. Kryptonite? Cutlasses, the truth and security cameras. #KeepMarchinTho #DidHeEverGetHisPizza? #DidHeCallTheManWithTheCutlassAF***ot? #LemmeStopBeforeHeCallThePoliceOnMe

Know who knows what to buy your man? His sweetheart. Why is it sweethearts and jungless always know what to buy us and never our actual wives?

“MAYBE IF HE DIDN’T HAVE A SWETHEART HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A BAETTER GIFT BECAUSE ALL MEN ARE DOGS PLUS FEMINISM AND WOMENS RIGHTS AND NIGGAS BECAUSE GALS!!!!”

Bring your recreational outrage to a simmer, Kasmine.

 

But lets be honest, jungless and sweethearts really do give the best gifts because they are competing for a position they will never obtain. God bless them.

“$2300 worth of carefully thought-out gifts and sloppy sex will get him to leave his wife this year I bet!!” LOL….No, not it won’t, Susan. #GodBlessTho

 

Last jungless I dated treated me like a king. Movado this, basket that. Cologne this and bottle of liquor that. It was the best of times…

…and it was the worst of times. Because she was legit from the ghetto so…you know….shootouts and what not.

Take a page out of Na’keishas book. Ask her what she’s getting her man. Ask one of your hoe friends who is sleeping with some poor womans husband…they have all the answers.

 

Just do something outside of “I’ll just pick up whatever”.

 

And if you’re dating a Capricorn please get the second gift. It means more than you can imagine because all our lives we only got the one “shared” gift.

“Due to my sexual timing and choices you’re doomed to not get shit for years to come, beloved. Could be worse….you could have been a scropio so… “#Demons

Give a fuck.

 

Try.

 

But above all else…just remember….

 

SEX IS NOT A GODDAMN CHRISTMAS GIFT!!!!

 

 

Be safe tho.

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