By Drew

 

“Adia, I do believe I’ve failed you. Adia, I know I’ve let you down.”  Those are lyrics from Sarah McLachlan’s song, Adia, which is a top 5 song in my gym playlist. I have been using that song to PR to for years now. (PR means Personal Record or the heaviest weight you’ve lifted thus far in your life). Don’t mind Nal on these instastories looking like he’s preparing for the NFL or the Bahamian Olympics…..this dude has Sam Smith in his ear.

Pictured above: Nal, caught up in the rapture of some (fat) Luther Vandross music. Stay Woke

I gym 4-5 days a week and yet….here I am….fat. It took me a long time to realise that Bahamians in general are overweight and we are legit dying because of it. Its called standing too close to an elephant. Obviously not literally, white people.

It doesn’t get more caucasian than this #PeakCaucasity

 

Standing too close to an elephant is simply saying if you stand too close to one then u cant see the whole elephant regardless of it being right in front of you. Ironically enough, a lot of us are standing too close to multiple elephants and its time we address….well….the elephant in the room. Its time we discuss the fact that most Bahamians are fat and its starting to become an issue.

 

Lets be clear: There is no pleasing Bahamians. I was always a chubby kid. When I went off to school in Tennessee I was determined to cut weight and come back to Nassau slim and trim like the cut guys in High School that all the girls wanted. Funny how gals went from loving these dudes….

These aren’t muscles, sis. This young man is homeless and really really hungry.

….to now this guy ….

Tell me again how only women have impossible beauty standards to live up to cause…..

Things change and so did I.

I came home 193lbs. For reference, anyone who actually knows me or has met me, as of this morning I am 296lbs. So me at 193lbs I imagine looked like this…

48 more pounds to lose then I’ll have self esteem!!

When I got home I expected people to suddenly find me attractive but nope…..what did I get?

“Oh y’all see Andrew has AIDS now? Cause he’s smaller so….ya…..AIDS”

I say this to say there is no pleasing Bahamian people. We will judge you skinny, fat, tall, short, fit, not fit. Look what I did earlier when I referenced Nal. I didn’t salute him for being in shape and over 30 on an island where “In shape” means “not fat”. I went straight to teasing because that’s what niggas do.

“Well who the Fuck Florence think she is eating this salad? Bitch think she better than us!!”

Try it.

Go to your family and tell them you’re going for a “run”.

Niggas will straight roast you for even attempting to not die at 40 from heart disease. We can’t want to fix the fat body if we don’t fix the fat mind. And yes…..inside every fat person or EX-fatty is a fat archetype of their worst self in their head reminding them of what they are or have been. I deal with mine every day.

“Ok Andrew, hear me out…..you could eat this salad or….OR…..wings cheaper, closer and its totes not salad” – Fat Andrew

So trust me, I know.

Fit people think that we’re not aware of our size. Like we don’t live with us every day. I bet skinny people do things like just put on their socks.

See.

See how y’all don’t even know the struggle of putting on socks when you have a belly. I think real hard and long about socks for the better part of my morning.

“Fuck man….I gotta wear shoes today. I better call in late because socks”

We get tired walking. We get tired climbing stairs. Fuck…..I know some people that get tired talking. You ask them to tell a story and they gotta tell that shit in quarters.

“Ok Girl….lets take 10 let me catch myself and get a gatorade so I can tell you part 2 of this could have been 6 minute story” #UsToo

Y’all don’t think I want to dress like Dakarai in his flowing sweater trench coat man capes?

I def do.

But I’m relegated to Old Navy, Target and Walmart because of my life choices.

Here we have Andrew sporting Old Navy everything and Dakarai is wearing rare unicorn wool and a flattering Armani tank top from Kings Landing. #LorettaHadToChoose

And please, fellow fat people, miss me with your bullshit.

Fat is not beautiful and you’re not courageous for BEING fat. I’m tired of y’all gassing people into thinking everything fat is precious and gorgeous.

Its not.

You’re trying to tell me this….

Courageous

 

…is more/as attractive as this…

Thine fair

And before the fat shamers get in the comments….I am aware that there are beautiful larger women out there.

Absolutely.

I LOVE me a thick/chubby chick. They give the best hugs and have superior vaginas.

I didn’t stutter.

I’ll give y’all a bit to ask any man that frequents chubby vagina if that isn’t absolute facts. Till then, heres a gif of a puppy driving a car. Lol….He thinks he’s people…lol

If fat is beautiful why don’t I see fat men being celebrated for being brave and courageous? Its lazy to say “well because society allows men to be fat without judgement”.

Um, really?

 

A woman posts this…

Brave, beloved? Weird flex but ok

But when a man posts its…

“When last you think he see his dick? George Bush Senior time or….?” – Society

So lets not pretend like there’s a not a double standard here.

I’m just saying that if you offered ANY of these “obese and proud” people a magic pill that would magically give them a body like Serena Williams or The Rock that they would take it in a fucking heartbeat.

Shit….I know some skinny chicks that would too.

“100 more pounds to go until I’m perfect for people that don’t read well or have proper edges!!”

We are dying.

Guys, we are literally DYING from being overweight and we have to fix this. We can’t go on like this.

Myself included.

I love to sell the aesthetic that “I got a belly on me but I strong and ise pull gals!!”.

Talking that shit is cool until you get your medical results back and realise you have diabetes, high blood pressure and hypertension. Then all of a sudden that shit doesn’t matter any more.

“He died at 40 but, despite being fat, he was strong and also pulled gals. RIP Tho!”

So how do we fix this?

 

Simple….we decide we’re ready to fix it.

 

I’m sorry, I’m not about to advocate for the any gym or any diet plan. If you came to this site  and decided you wanted well thought out questions and solutions then you’ve come to the wrong place, beloved. I don’t read, I don’t research this shit and I don’t care to. I know what it took me to lose weight the first time and it wasn’t a diet plan OR sporadic gym visits. No REAL change comes from minor adjustments.

A Diet is a minor adjustment I misewell tell you.

“I’m on this 3 week cabbage, dirt and diet gluten free water challenge. That will fix the 42years of damage I’ve done to my body!!”

You can’t change your body if you can’t change your mind.

If your awakening doesn’t happen then neither will weight-loss. Ask anyone who has lost a dramatic amount of weight. You literally wake up one day and decide “Ok….enough. Lets go”.

 

Simple as that.

 

Until then you’re only wasting your money in MacFit wearing full makeup on the treadmill reading a book talking about #SweatTrophy #FitLife.

$100. You spending $100+ a month gym membership for this, Karen? LOL…..K

The first step is honesty. Its accepting your situation. Stop projecting your insecurities on other people. Wanna know how I got so funny? Why most chubby people are funny?

Projecting.

Notice there are fat funny/jolly people and fat miserable people and god help you if you run into the latter. These are the people that have the audacity to skinny shame others.

Yes, we are at a point in the Bahamas where skinny shaming is a real thing.

“No one cares if you can balance your body weight on a brick due to years of working out and healthy choices that will lengthen your life, Brenda. AND your hair dry!”

These are the women that think because Bahamian men are still hollering at them that it means all is well. I’m sure Magic Johnson thought the same thing when he was busting nuts in adulterous vaginas only to realise that those amazing orgasms came at a price. Don’t go to the grave thinking shit sweet when you were literally dying this whole time.

“But I mean she was pulling niggas for years…..who would have thought she would die from being overweight and inactive #weird #Mysterious #goneTooSoon”

These are the men that eat their Oh Andros dinner proudly……on a Tuesday…… at 11:42am….. and call you out if you dare address them.

Quick PSA: If you can eat a full plate of Oh Andros in one sitting then you don’t have long to live and you should probably get your house in order. #BeSafeTho

Cut it out.

And don’t cut it out for me….fuck my opinion. Find your reason. People say don’t do it for others but I’m here to tell you WHATEVER reason you can find to get your ass off the couch or away from the grease is good enough for me to see my people healthier. You really think men are out here working out for their health or for “themselves”?

Silly Rabbits.

This……this is why we workout #SheSoHornyRightNow #IsThisSexualAssault?

Think of your kid(s).

I also don’t want to die but life gets real when the person watching these bad habits, bad diets, skinny shaming, diet shaming ,etc are watching. Then “shockingly” they become fat…..and the food we’re eating now is poison so IMAGINE the fuckery they will have when your kids get older and starts buying their own food.

Is this……is this what Vegan shit looks like?

Our kids are watching what we do. Its not right to usher them into death so quickly because we couldn’t get OUR shit together.

Someone is reading this and saying “But I don’t wanna go to Macfit….everyone down there and ine wan people looking at me”.

First off….teasing a fat person in the gym is like teasing a sick person in a hospital….fuck you think they there for?

“Then he was like “Can you please help I broke my spine” and I was like “Look at this broken spine nigga!! LMAO”

See how ridiculous that looks?

But some of the onus is on you too, soon to not be fat person.

Caring what people think is a speed bump but I get it. (And to those of you AT the popular gyms working your ass off I salute you. THATS fucking brave.)

Walk.

Run.

Eat less.

I don’t care what you do. As soon as you decide to get it done get it done. But you have to be certain. Until then? You are beautiful….you are worth it. I know the teasing and insecurity hurts but understand I watched my father die from Cancer a few months ago. Helplessly might I add. There was nothing I could do. Nothing the doctors could do. He was going to die and he did so in a week of being admitted.

5 days.

5 days a week could get you on a journey to fix 90% of your physical ailments/problems.

In 5 days you can get a meal plan going, find a trainer, find someone to walk with you, or even find a class you like.

In 5 days you can be on a journey to be less dead than my dad inevitably was.

(Is the dead dad thing working or you need more examples??)

 

In the words of my favourite female songwriter…

“Adia I thought that we could make it
But I know I can’t change the way you feel
I leave you with your misery
A friend who won’t betray
I pull you from your tower
I take away your pain
And show you all the beauty you possess
If you’d only let yourself believe”

 

Let yourself believe, beloved. The rest is slight work.

 

Be safe tho

 

 

 

 

 

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