By Drew

 

Don’t let the tight shirts and flip flops fool you, folks: I’ve done a lot of great things in my life. Perhaps my greatest accomplishment in my 36 years has been being nominated for a Bahamian Icon award……….and them not having a picture of me to put up because big man don’t take selfies ya see.

To be fair, this is the best I’ve ever looked

Very few of you know Dakarai, Nal, Alexis, John, the false god Ricardo Wells, etc because we’re not “those” guys. All of us except Young Randolph….he’s changed since he got on TV. The volume of bathroom selfies has decreased and now he’s giving us candid photo ops of him doing absolutely nothing.

“Bey come look at all the Adidas in the world for a sec” – Young Randolph #isThisYourKing?

Nassau is a weird place when you live on the hinterland of its ever growing social scene and I’m here to give you a birds eye view, and maybe a hint, to which group you belong to.

 

The Rich/Club People

You don’t have to ask these niggas if they were at Bond the night it opened….you KNOW they were at Bond because they took the necessary pre-party, club bathroom and “About last night” photos necessary to prove they are living life better than you are. You know the type…

“Much needed night out with the ladies ” #WeOutHere #HatersWillSayItsPhotoshopped

Then the inevitable…

“Powdering my nose with the loved ones!”

They then hit you with the club view so you know its real..

“AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY” – Fun. AYYYY is the sound of fun. #TheMoreYouKnow

Then they clean it all up with a fake sleep selfie because every good story needs a conclusion…

“…about last night”

I include rich folks in with the club folks because I can’t afford 2 tablespoons of Johnny Walker black for $28 a pop. I’m broke. I go to dive bars where they pour quality scotch into plastic cups and charge you $5 because they don’t know any better because its not Hennessey.

“No, bro, ine wan no cognac….I want Hennessy. With a splash of Bluebird Apple Juice if you please”

The club folks generally go out every weekend, people rarely know what their occupation is because they never post anything productive, and are always shocked when you haven’t been to the latest new club and are frankly appalled by your ignorance.

“I go out until 4am every Saturday night, to look good for the gram, go home alone to leftovers and a pretty distinct feeling of being dead inside…..but enjoy your “family” I guess”

God bless the club kids tho. If it wasn’t for them we, the never-outers, would not know when/where to go out when we DO decide to. They are necessary, they are here and we love them for letting us live vicariously through them.

Much appreciated, club folks.

 

 

The Cool Kids

 

If you’ve ever had a conversation about a persons weekend and your only response to it is “What the fuck you is be into, bey?” or “Wait, you ended up WHERE?” then chances are you’re talking to a cool kid. Unlike the club folks, these people DO work and are productive members of society. But chances are they do weird shit on the weekends like go to watch rugby at the out east field or….I don’t know…..take a boat to sandy toes more than once a year.

“I’m not saying it ain fun…..I’m just saying its too hot to do this more than once a year is all.”

That’s the next thing, they always on a gaddamn boat.

Every time I see my girl Janelle Sands she on some boat going to do something sexy and fun and I’m just sitting home on my laptop eating 2 Glass Kitchen burgers like…

“Good for them. Maybe I should go out more….not today tho cause I have a nap scheduled for the next month or so. But ya……good for them.” #LivingVicariouslyThroughYall #iTired

I’m not even jealous..…I’m legit thrilled when I see Margaret and Dyaria doing some weird fuckery in some forest in a 3rd world country with political unrest. I mean I know they in the gym but fuck, sis; y’all think y’all fit enough TO OUTRUN A CHEETAH, MY NIGGA?

This is cute but that’s a fucking murder weapon made of fur, speed and bloodlust and you are not safe. I mean live your best life but it’s a fucking cheetah, Beloved

The Cool kids take adventures either right here in Nassau or abroad.

They drive shit like wranglers or old Hondas to be ironic. All in all tho they are a necessary foundation for how tourists think we are as a people. There is no better ambassador for The Bahamas than the cool kids because they will take niggas on adventures and nature hikes and boat rides and shit. Leave it to me and I’ll have you by Wendys then a quick drive through my hood, San Souci, so you know its real.

Me driving through San Souci playing hip hop and acting like we don’t have a successful neighbourhood watch program and a friendly and hospital environment. #SafeAsFuck

Get a cool kid in your life for when you don’t know your own island and need advice on how to entertain tourists for 5-10 days.

Thank me later.

 

 

The Creatives

 

Bahamian creatives are like vegans that do crossfit and believe in weird shit like not drinking or say weird shit like, “Do you think the bodies of our ancestors are buried underneath the ruins of our every day thoughts and hopes?”.

Pardon me, nigga?

Keep in mind they aren’t even high (yet).

I applaud the creatives because anyone can be one really. You don’t even have to be attractive which is a common trait among the Cool people and the Club people. Typically they are good looking and or in some type of physical shape even if they’re not attractive. But the creatives? Naw you can be ogly as fuck and they’ll just say you “have an interesting face for the ages”.

“Her face has so much character and depth and not at all Horse-ish” – creatives

I don’t have the time or energy to speak on just how wide the scope is for Bahamians creatives because we kinda ran the gauntlet in that department. We have fashion bloggers, food bloggers, born again hoe bloggers, musicians, painters, artists, rappers, spoken word speakers, whatever the fuck Timothy is doing this week, rappers, singers, etc etc.

 

What?

 

Oh, Timothy?

 

Ya we really don’t know what the fuck he does anymore so we kinda just ride with it and hope his daughter is ok more or less.

See…he’s a dancer this week. Who knew?

The creatives hold the balance between the upside down world and reality. Thank God for people like Timothy, Christine Wilson, Gail Hanna, Sherice Major, Aneka Stewart, Jodi Minnis, William Brennen, Jasper, Travis Miller, etc for what they do for the community.

 

Lets be honest…..Nassau would be pretty dull without them.

 

 

The “trying to fit in” Crew

 

This is the equator of the Bahamian social world because you can be rich trying to fit in or broke trying to fit in. See, Nassau is weird: You can be broke and be the most popular nigga on this island. I’ve seen it happen.

No job, lives with his parents, clout chaser……most popular nigga on the strip off air.

Or you can be rich or independently wealthy but a late bloomer to the social scene so you end up begging and pleading to be on the guest list of the next big event so people see you’re active on this road.

We’ve seen the instasnaps…

“At the “Lit for Tits” event at Albany. Support me because I’m lowkey lonely and need the attention so I can feel something outside of the crushing weight of my own irrelevance breast cancer!!”

These are the people at every event, known in every social circle, have to be out to every hip or trending bar or brunch function and pretty much gossip their way through the social scene so people know they know people.

Goes a little something like this….

“Who? Stephanie Moneybaggs? I knew her from LONG time…..she used to date Lil Prickle but then you know she had an abortion for Demetrius Richface right? Ok so this how THAT go…”

They literally remain relevant by just making new friend groups every 6 months or so in hopes that one sticks. Unfortunately it typically ends up the same every time.

 

With drama.

“I never told them about you and Demetrius Richface….I would never do that, Stephanie!! Am I still invited on your boat for the long weekend tho?”

Typically its some person that lives below the standard they think they deserve so they will post pics of themselves out all day but wont show how they don’t have a bed frame. So the perception is…

“Level up and you can be like me!”

 

….but then their reality is…

“I meant level up my fashion not off the floor, asshole.” #ButYourInstagramDontShowThisSideOfTheStoryTho”

Same can be said for the rich “wanna fit in”…..they may have the money to keep up with the jones’s but typically they either lack the personality or just straight up goons. I constantly just wanna hug them and whisper to them….

“Look at me….you’re beautiful, you’re worth it and you’re enough. Stop looking dumb in these streets!”

But typically I just continue playing Madden and ordering my weight in Marco’s delivery because staying in your lane is also important.

 

To be fair, life is sometimes about people that should have stayed in their lane.

…but I understand, Beloved. RIP Harambe tho

 

 

The married Folks/People with kids

 

Hi….Y’all alright?

 

Ine ga mess with y’all….y’all reading this and laughin y’all asses off like…

“LMAO…Boy I glad I ain none of these people that I used to be until I got pregnant and or married!”

You get no smoke from me. Shout out to Alexis and Nal……boring and happy.

Y’all stay blessed

 

The “Kids”

Nope, not kids in the sense of what I have been mentioning above. No….I mean the gay population aka “The Kids” aka “The Children” aka “He is dress better than you probably”.

I’m not in that circle but I gotta say, when ya do end up hanging out with them it’s a good fucking time, son.

“So one minute there was a dance party and then they ordered a bunch of food after somene brought edibles and then one nigga started legit making clothes off air…..shit was wild!”

I have no clue about what they do or how they do it. I just know it looks like a good fucking time and I wish them the best. Except for y’all butch gals who think shit sweet and try and test niggas on some man shit……when I look at your girlfriend be on manners, my nigga…no one scared’a y’all.

Meanwhile check out these cute puppies!

Psst….butch gals…..sorry about what I said earlier. I am afraid of y’all and I 100% would not like any smoke as y’all have actual guns. Apologies for speaking out of turn and enjoy your day.

Then theres the rest of us.

Those of us that don’t belong to a group. We don’t have our shit together. We’re broke. We’re tired. Our life is not lavish enough for the gram and definitely not lit enough for snapchat. We don’t have enough opinions for twitter and we know how to use google so no need to be all over Headknowles asking googleable questions.

I brought this up before but fuck, Carol….you couldn’t google what time the Mall opens? Fuck, man!

If you are lazy, not in shape, broke, too introverted to go out then you are us…..we are 10th Year seniors and we agree…..its ok to be boring too.

To celebrate our relative anonymity, we took a group pic in case y’all wondered what we looked like and wanted to say hello to us in public or otherwise. Scroll down to see…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The one time Dakarai didn’t show all his teeth in a photo….smt

 

Be safe tho.

 

 

Comments