By Drew

 

I was never a huge fan of cats. I just never understood the allure. One of my friends swears that her precious cat is just the best. She insists I look at it doing nothing whenever she has the chance.

“Oh look…another picture of your cat existing…..please show me more of this nothing”

I just feel like they are a waste of time for the mere fact that I don’t trust them. Trust is a big thing for me….but even bigger for women because in their minds trust is the basis of any stable/good relationship. They deny the fact that the glue that holds all good relationships together is a joint, but equal, fear and readiness for the soon coming robot apocalypse.

They are learning gymnastics, people. THEY.ARE.LEARNING.GYMNASTICS. PEOPLE!!!!. SMT….We ga die

What women, especially Bahamian women, fail to realise is that the true glue, the true element, the single reason why you’re even in a relationship to begin with is because of lies a man told them. Don’t look at me like that, gals everywhere. Chill for a bit and let me unpack why Bahamian men lie.

No, madam….you didn’t read incorrectly. You are in a relationship because some nigga, who was eager to be with you, was forced to lie to you…to your face no less, and you are the sole reason.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves so lets start at the beginning.

Young boys learn early on that lying is the key to everything amazing in this world. Every mother with a son has had that boy come home after doing some dumb shit and make up a lie to avoid issues. Boys are not like girls……girls are, I imagine, a bit easier to handle.

Look at them….perfect angels being perfect

Meanwhile, at some poor woman’s house…

Look at these stupid fucking beautiful lovable assholes with no brain!

Its our nature.

We’re stupid and we do stupid shit because penis’s and testosterone and science and junk. Women are calm, mature faster and tend to steer away from trouble. I remember my mother showing me a picture of herself when she was young. I was 6yrs old and my exact words were…

“Oh wow…mommy, you were so pretty way back then!!”

She cried…

Came home crying, and then told my dad who promptly slapped me in the back of my head. Meanwhile I was sitting there like…

Pictured above: Me trying to figure out what I did wrong

My father made me apologize to her and tell her how beautiful I thought she was. Don’t get it twisted, my mother is the most beautiful woman in the world to me….well, next to my wife that is.

Haven’t seen you in 36yrs, babes but I’m here when you’re ready
#LoveYouBaby #SoldierOfLove #I’m36 #JudgeYaMa

But understand that in my stupid 6yr old brain I didn’t know what beauty was nor could I grasp anything beyond Shera, He-Mans girlfriend, being the hottest chick ever.

I had plans for that ass tho…..mostly to play with her sword and touch her hair but plans nonetheless

It was within that moment I learned that, with women, you probably shouldn’t tell the whole truth.

 

I’m wrong?

 

K

 

Go ask your boyfriend/husband if he would fuck Cardi B if given the chance. Watch that nigga stumble and trip over himself. His initial reaction will be…

“Fuck this gal up to…”

Followed by the always powerful but very useful…

“Huh?….Cardi B?”

That “huh?” is a saviour of lives and hearts. It may only last for .002 seconds but within that time we turn into the rain man…

“She asking bout Cardi B because she thinking she gain all this weight and Cardi B Sexy as fuck but if I say I would then that ga only lead to her following up with some question bout if thas my type and if I say yes then that means SHE ain my type which then ga lead to….”

That’s the filter our brains have created, via evolution, just to spare y’all feelings. If that nigga didn’t have a filter his answer would have been…

“Yes the fuck I would beat the brakes off that pussy. All this weight you gain laying up eatin bamboo on a Wednesday at 11:30am and you have the gall to ask me if I would fuck Cardi B? FOH, fat ass!”

But we cant say that so all you get is…

“I mean she ok but I prefer (input your girlfriends physical characteristics here for general safety)”

Watch how fast your husband responds to, “you think I gained any weight?”….If that nigga loves you he will say “no” so fast it will make your head spin.

And ,don’t get me wrong, we don’t care about you gaining weight. If a man complains about stretch marks or a fat ass then your boyfriend is a homosexual and you should probably send him back to his man lover where he belongs. I can’t fuck with you if your thighs don’t touch a little bit.

Ok that’s not true…but you know what I mean #LookAtGod

But to avoid the bullshit that will come after you being honest and saying, “Yeah you have put on a couple but it don’t matter babes, that don’t change shit”…we just lie.

After that first lie to get you out of trouble or to not make you feel like a fat/ugly person, the really big lie happens and then its all downhill from there.

 

Whats the big lie?

 

The lie to get in them panties, beloved.

 

I don’t care how honest you think a nigga is, he will lie to fuck. That’s just facts. Yes I know he told you about his wife and he was honest that he had kids with her and that they were having problems and blah blah blah. But you fuck around and say, “Ya but I don’t wanna break up a happy home tho….so….”

 

Watch how fast this….

His actual situation

Turns into this…

“Did I say happy home? No, I mean I hate that hoe…..she fat and cant read good and smells and I hate her! Look how horrible my life is all of a sudden!”

A few fellas will claim they tell these side gals the full story but trust they don’t. Somewhere within their fuckery is a lie that you chose to believe because he sprinkled enough truth in there to gas you.

 

Understand that if men could get laid and be 100% honest we would.

 

Do y’all really think niggas drive nice Hondas, with cold AC, because niggas like nice Hondas with cold AC? LOL….no, beloved. They do that for gals. And if you think they do it to show off in front of their boys then you’re absolutely right. Know why they show off to their boys?

 

BECAUSE THEIR BOYS ASSUME YOU GETTING GALS IN THIS HONDA, WITH COLD AC!

 

Yes, ladies….everything we do is about you. If I could get sex from quality women by just being a jonser and neglecting general hygene and gym time do you really think I would be bustin my ass at work or in the gym anymore? Bruh….I would be the fattest nastiest nigga on earth with a harem of, I assume, equally nasty gals.

I mean it’s a solid plan B once you ignore the inevitable drug use, STD’s and no place to live but that’s neither here nor there

Nope. Instead I have to have pay for your food and act like I want to  (Lie)

Then pretend like I don’t mind you eating off my plate  (Lie)

Then be super polite and act like I DON’T curse like a sailor  (Lie)

Then explain how my last relationship wasn’t entirely my fault for ending  (Big Lie)

Then drop you home and claim that not fucking on the first night is “totally ok” despite all those nasty texts you sent pre-paying-for-your-food  (HUGE lie)

Only to get home and tell you I’m heading to bed (with a rock hard dick mind you)… (Lie)

When really I’m…

“Got to my cutters house for some pretty nasty sex since you didn’t free up that crabby  home safe, love! Night!”

We could have avoided all that rhetoric and posturing if I was just allowed to speak my truth which is…

“I just kinda like you and I already see where you’re going to be annoying down the line, so really I don’t wanna spend all this money or time on you just to grind you and never call you again. Can we just get to the sex and stop this charade?”

The result of that little cock-blocking moment of honesty would only result in…

The results of honesty, ladies and gents

And yes, I know you’re all thinking to yourselves ,“This is NOT our fault….just tell the TRUTH….you made an adult decision to lie and its NOT our faults!!”

First of all calm down, Kasmine. Let me explain.

You’re 100% right.

You are.

We should just tell the truth and we should just let you know how we feel so that we can have clear, uncut communication. Here’s my question: Are y’all really ready for male honesty?

Beloved, male honesty is a dark, horrible place.

You REALLY wanna hear the answer to who was the best sex I ever had? You really wanna know how many times we’ve lusted over your fine cousin?

We all know the cousin I mean. She’s the one that makes you question Gods plan for your life.

Gals be like ….

“Meet my cousin Tandy…..my one good single, nasty, fuck on the first date, drink Hennessy from the bottle good cousin!!!”

Meanwhile niggas be like…

“WELL MUDDAFUCK!!!….why have you forsaken me, white Jesus?!?!?!?!”

 

Then what happens? You girl inevitably asks …”You think Tandy pretty?”

Really?

Really, Karen?

 

You ga ask me that and expect me to be honest?

 

FOH

“Tandy? LoL….I don’t like that whole tits and ass thing. Plus which perfect angel lady takes Hennessy to the head?” #TheWomanOfYourDreamsThatsWho

Ladies, understand that you have the privilege of not having a filter. Y’all can say whatever the fuck y’all want because you know good and goddamn well we have to take it because its literally illegal to body slam y’all or put you in a DDT.

This….this is what the man that loves you would do to you if it wasn’t illegal

Bahamian gals will stand among your peers and loudly cuss you out and comment on dick size, your mommy issues, daddy issues, how you pee the bed, have shitty draws, don’t last long during sex….etc. And sure, a nigga may cuss you out but he isn’t allowed to not have a filter. Even the worst curse outs wont include the real truth. He may say…

“Go to hell hoe…you ain shit either and my dick don’t stay up cause your bread soggy anyway!!”

But if he was honest?

“Go to hell hoe….i cant stay up because I cheat on you constantly and I’m no longer in love you as this entire relationship has lost its allure and I truly would be ok if you died.”

Which one stings less you think?

Exactly.

Listen, I’m not an advocate for lying…..I know it may seem contrary to what you’ve read above but no man WANTS to lie to a woman. It’s the same as the cats I mentioned earlier. A cats true nature is not why you bought that cat. You bought a lie. You bought an animal to be there for you and purr and cuddle and take cute pics with.

“Look at Fiona…..still doing fuck all….awwwww”

When really, in your home, is a fucking murder weapon with furr. Let that cat outside for a month and watch its truth reveal itself.

“My name is Ozymandias, king of kings; Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!”

The only reason that cat doesn’t claw your face off and shit and pee all over your whole space is because you domesticated it. You made it a shell of itself and broke its spirit so that all it wants to do is shit in a box, be miserable and touch you sometimes when it thinks you need it. Otherwise, every time he looks out the window, every times he claws you”by accident”…..its not your cat revolting: Its their true nature…its their truth.

So, enjoy your house cats ladies because you’re not safe in this zoo.

 

…and ask yourself: Am I even telling you the full truth now or just the shit you can stomach?

 

Be safe tho

 

 

 

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