The National Football League NFL begins its new season this Thursday 6 September 2018.  That means that we have just a few days before the Philadelphia Eagles begin their quest for a Super Bowl repeat and the New England Patriots try to survive a season with a geriatric QB.

Never, ever forget False god

 

You gotta be quicker than that…

That screenshot and photo will never got old.  We will always have February 4, 2018.

Anyways, in the interest of laziness and maybe creativity time, I am here to give you a one sentence preview for each division and each team competing in the NFL this season. Hopefully you can get in, get out and get on to perfecting your fantasy football roster.

And…

AFC East

This will be New England’s division until Bill Belichick says otherwise.

Buffalo Bills

It’s a good thing this team will probably be starting a rookie QB, otherwise LeSean McCoy’s likely suspension (I’m surprised itchy-trigger finger Roger hasn’t benched him yet) could be a derailment for a young team.

Miami Dolphins

I hate to pull at scabs but – is the Ryan Tannehill experiment not over yet, seriously?

New England Patriots

EFF TOM BRADY! This team has succeeded for so long in what has been the crappiest division in football, are the Patriots really as good as people think?

New York Jets

Remember when Mark Sanchez led the Jets to two straight AFC Championship games?

AFC West

It’s amazing how this division can vacillate between the best division in football and mediocre as hell so consistently.

Denver Broncos

I still don’t know how to feel about grabbing Case Keenum instead of throwing cash and a starting position to Colin Kaepernick. (This is my team, I legit don’t know how to feel.)

Kansas City Chiefs

With his old team winning a Super Bowl with his one time starting QB in Philadelphia, it is starting to feel like peak Andy Reid is behind us.

Los Angeles Chargers

Will Philip Rivers have more wins than kids by the end of this football season?

Oakland Raiders Professional Football Franchise

(I can’t be calling them the Raiders) With a healthy Derek Carr and Khalil Mack and a familiar face in Jon Gruden coaching them up, whose fault will it be if Oakland doesn’t make noise in the AFC this year?

AFC North

The NFL’s personification of The Red Wedding – always bloody, always brutal.

Baltimore Ravens

The Joe Flacco era has to end at some point – and no, he is not elite.

Cincinnati Bengals

I couldn’t remember the fourth team in this division, this tells you the state of the Andy Dalton led Bengals.

Cleveland Browns

After an 0-16 season last season the Browns should be able to win at least four games this year, right?

Pittsburgh Steelers

Why don’t the Steelers lock up Bell to keep the Killer B’s together until Ben is actually ready to call it quits?

AFC South

If Andrew Luck is actually healthy, this division could be a sleeper candidate for the best most competitive division and the most entertaining division champions race by season’s end.

Houston Texans

I just want Deshaun Watson to be healthy and give football fans a continuation of his excellent start last season.

Indianapolis Colts

Boy oh boy, this may be an early call, but it sure looks like Andrew the giant Luck is kinda done. (Sorry Drew.)

Jacksonville Jaguars

Jalen Ramsey will keep this team entertaining even if they lose first place to the Deshaun Watson-led Texans.

Tennessee Titans

Marcus Mariota had one of the most memorable playoff moments when he threw a touchdown pass to himself, what does he and this team do for an encore?

NFC East

This should come down to Cowboys vs Eagles so the Week 14 matchup might just determine the division winner.

Dallas Cowboys

This is probably the most talented young QB/RB duo in the league, will this team actually look like it for 16 plus games this season?

New York Giants

The Eli Manning era is also done – but we (read: Patriots haters) will always have Super Bowl 42 and 46.

Philadelphia Eagles

Given a trend towards bigger midseason trades, do the Eagles dangle Nick Foles before the trade deadline once Carson Wentz is back and healthy?

Washington Redskins

This team seems constantly stuck between going nowhere fast and going somewhere slow – they’re inching closer and closer to being the team version of Jeff Fisher.

NFC West

A division full of questions and uncertainty.

Arizona Cardinals

They’re going to start Sam Bradford in Week 1 aren’t they?

San Francisco 49ers

Jimmy G made some noise last year, will the league catch up and knock the former Brady successor down a few pegs?

Seattle Seahawks

This team is almost unrecognizable from its Super Bowl appearances – are they

St. Louis Rams

Sean McVay seems to be ready to have his team run away with this division while simultaneously shitting on Jeff Fisher’s reputation (although that is unnecessary).

NFC North

The coldest division in the NFL.

Chicago Bears

I don’t know if this team has been truly relevant since Lovie Smith was the head coach – and they’re on their third coach since his tenure ended.

Detroit Lions

Damn, is Matt Stafford still slumming it in Detroit?

Green Bay Packers

I know it has only been a year off, but boy do we need some healthy Aaron Rodgers playoff magic back in the NFL.

Minnesota Vikings

As much as the NFC Championship game seemed to say that Minnesota was only lucky to be there, Philly’s Super Bowl-winning run and the enormous chip the Vikings should have on their shoulder could prove fun and interesting in this division down the stretch.

NFC South

The ping-pong division – long known for a different winner almost every year and a couple of worst to first turnarounds.

Atlanta Falcons

Jalen Ramsey really making me think that Matt Ryan is overrated and I don’t know what that means for this team.

Carolina Panthers

While I don’t agree with everything Cam Newton says or does he is an entertaining as hell football player and this team can be truly fun to watch.

New Orleans Saints

Not to rub salt in the wound, but, Dolphins fans have to be pissed that they missed out on peak Drew Brees as he has been the backbone of this team since his arrival over a decade ago.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

This has to be the year that NFL prognosticators stop picking the Bucs as some trendy sleeper pick to win this division.

Wrap Up

There you have it, one liners (sort of) for every division and team in the NFL this season.

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