By Drew

 

You were minding your own business, weren’t you?

You were in college or perhaps just at your local bar. In walks this gorgeous individual that you decided you needed to be with. You asked them what they were drinking or perhaps you spotted, from afar, their poison of choice. Ah, Vodka and Cran. They seem to enjoy the little things….the simpler things.

Uh Oh…is that music? Is that “Bedroom Bully” by Shabba Ranks? You turn your head for a split second to look at the Dj to let him know you appreciate his song choice. You turn back to your potential paramour and…..

It was at this moment Todd knew he loved Jamilya

Fun fact, non Bahamian person, if you want to test just HOW Bahamian your lover is, sneak up on them and play that song and watch their reaction. If this isn’t it….

Then they lied, you’re dating a liar and you need to reclaim your time. But I digress. White Jesus has chosen me to spread the good word and give the people, far and wide, a short guide for Dating the Bahamian and what you may experience during year one.

 

Do me a favour, non Bahamian: Come close to the screen….I really REALLY need you to embrace and understand what I’m about to say.

 

Not that close, don’t make this weird.

 

Ready?

 

JUST BECAUSE WE’RE FROM THE CARRIBEAN DOES NOT MEAN WE SPEAK LIKE JAMAICANS.

 

One sec, non-Bahamian….there are some people in the back that need to hear this.

JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE PLAYING JAMAICAN MUSIC DOES NOT MEAN YOU MUST SPEAK JAMAICAN, EVERY BAHAMIAN DJ!!! #STAHP #YallSocaNiggasToo

Pardon me.

Please don’t approach any Bahamian with that bullshit, “Hey Mon!!” . If You’re good looking enough we’ll smile and correct you later on in the relationship. But if you’re not then …

You deserved that….you really did

That’s like me going to Canada and ending every sentence with “Eh!”. We are all not the same, I promise.

 

Also, lets address the elephant in the room….if you’re white then please, beloved….just  be white. And I mean that in every sense of the word depending on your culture. We are a predominantly black country but that doesn’t mean the nuance of race and race relations is lost on us. We have cable and we all enjoy Linkin Park as well….You’re fine.

Obama didn’t end racism….they did. RIP Chester Tho.

Listen, I get it: Keisha has you in the middle of Fox Hill ON Fox Hill day and she’s beautiful and encourages you to “just be yourself” but some nigga in a Honda just commented on her ass and referred to you as “white boy”. Its ok, you’re fine….you’re safe.

Ok, that’s not true.

You’re in the ghetto and y’all may get robbed. Please don’t go in the hood and not have your head on a swivel and blame me when you get got.

“But Fridays with Andrew said I was safe…..Fridays With Andrew is lies…all LIES!!”

Not to worry though: You out there with Keisha’s family. Keisha knew this would happen so she made sure her also ghetto cousins were there to form a ghetto cocoon of protection around you to ensure your safety.

And if you’re a white female? I’ll give you the short answers:

Yes those women over there are looking at you. Yes they are mad. Yes they will look at you all night.

HOWEVER….they cool: Don’t mind them.

They are just surprised you’re there to begin with but trust, its all love. By the end of the night you’ll be awkwardly laughing at their ghetto stories and inhaling the most well seasoned food you’ve ever had in your life.

“Then they added something called “Seasoning salt”…Who knew that even existed?! “#BlackPeopleKnew”

 

And by the way….we have all the shit you guys have. Yes we have cars, McDonalds, (shitty) Malls, ATM’s etc. Your shock and awe that we have things isn’t annoying so much as weird. Google…..just google.

“I thought they lived in trees with no electricity! Now I know they live in hurricane proof homes……with no electricity”  #TheMoreYouKnow

 

So you’re in Nassau, they’ve taken you on the obligatory Cable Beach scenic route to wherever they live. You’re about to meet the parent(s). Guys, don’t call them by their first name. Unless they live Lyford Cay at which point I think anything goes out there.

“Morning Helen…..Just finished siting on your sons face to completion…lol…anyway whats for breakfast?”

Mr/Mrs  Rolle…..thats their name.

Let THEM tell you to call them by their government but don’t assume that shit. Yes I know you’re 30 with a mortgage and yes I know you are a manager who controls humans and gives them instructions. Nigga you don’t think I do the same? I’m twice my mothers size but trust and believe when she calls me by my full government that there’s a “ma’am” after that “yes” or “no”, beloved.

Actual photo of my mother telling me what I did wrong after beating me with a belt

Also, don’t curse. Ya, I know where you’re from you can curse in front of your parents but here the majority of households don’t really allow that shit. Don’t mind me cursing willy nilly….I’m on manners when I get around my extended family.

So you’re in there. Killing them with politeness, hitting them with the Mr/Mrs off air like a champ. (Someone explain what “off air” means please. I don’t have time right now.)

Time to eat!

I know, you’re starving right? Is that what you told his/her mom?

 

LMAO….silly rabbit.

 

You thought you were going to get a Caucasian/Americanized/European meal didn’t you? Oh I know how it is…

“Wow….this is too much food!!” – Becky them

This is a typical Bahamian meal….on a Sunday…..with nothing going on except church and food comas.

Yes, this is our meals. Yes, we eat it all. Yes, diabetes and high blood pressure is rampant. No, that’s not a stereotype. Tis niggas, my friends. Tis niggas

I mean…we MAY throw in a toss salad.

(A toss salad is iceberg lettuce and a poorly cut up tomato cavalierly thrown into a bowl to justify the mountain of diabetes on the plate in front of you. Don’t ask questions just adjust accordingly….its a marathon not a race, Karen.)

Oh don’t worry, Non-Bahamian black folks….I’m not ignoring y’all because y’all are capital offenders and quite possibly more annoying than the whites.

 

Beloved….because your great grandfather had an uncle from Grenada does not mean you know anything about the Caribbean let alone the Bahamas. Please stop with the fake stories and horrible accents that you learned from Cool Runnings.

I don’t know what set black Caribbean people back more than this movie #WeAreNotAllJamaican!

Niggas love to start dating a Bahamian chick then come to the Bahamas and come to the family function on some…

“Well my dad is from Trinidad…I know all bout them Roti’s and pattys my bredda”- Do you, Charles? Do you really?

We may look at you like…

….to be polite…

But we really wanna be like….

…she said sarcastically

Just be yourself. We’re more impressed to hear about your present life than your fictitious one.

And non-Bahamians please understand that Bahamian white folks are just as bad as the black ones. I know y’all wanna give them the nigga nod of approval to feel safe but trust and believe they will look at you with the same confusion as we will. Also, they refer to you as “white boy/girl” too.

I know…its weird.

Let me show some pics to better help you.

Pictured above: White people

Pictured above: 2 Abaco niggas, 1 nigga from Long Island and a nigga from Nassau

See the difference?

 

Glad I can help.

 

And please know that anywhere exciting and adventurous we take you that we are also excited cause we don’t go to half of these places by ourselves. Niggas don’t swim with the dolphins let alone walk downtown until they start dating someone foreign then Bahamians turn into tour guides like they bout that life.

“Ok so our national rock is vibranium and our national animal is the potcake which, according to science, is half tropical wolf, half raccoon…”

Watch their faces when they take you to the beach….you can tell it’s the first time they’ve been this year. Don’t judge us because trust theres a Bahamian right now reading this that has never seen snow and theres a Canadian reading this that’s tired of it. Its too hot to be going to the beach every damn weekend, beloved.

“Enjoy this shit cause once we married ween doin this no more, Kevin.” #TooHotForThisFuckery

Make sure they take you to real places like Bamboo Shack Soldier road at 9pm. Let them let you order the food….be among the people. Or go to Oh Andros and bask in the wait time….its a part of our heritage. And make them drive to their grandmothers house. Not the one that has working plumbing….the other grammy.

This house is filled with love, acceptance and a weird smell that no one can quite identify but that’s grammy so we let her live. #EveryGrammyHouseHaveThatSmell

It’s the purest version of them. It’s the most vulnerable as well because every good and bad thing that made them who they are started in that house. Again, unless you’re dating someone from Lyfrod cay or someone related to Brent Symonette at which point grammys house looks more like this….

If you get a weird “slavery/plantation” vibe then you’re in the right place

Now, for your info and general safety, I’ve compiled a list of words and phrases you’ll need to not be lost as fuck while you’re here. Please don’t use these words unless you’ve lived here for at least 6months to a year. Otherwise you come off sounding quite stupid and we will laugh at you behind your back. Niggas be out here on some….

“So I was talking to this dread, LiL Hypertension, and he try run all kinds of the tapes and I was like whatever my King!”

So lets educate you folks, shall we?

Bey – Bey describes a person, place, emotion, etc. Bey is a feeling from your soul that allows you to express emotions you don’t fully understand….or understand completely. It’s a term of endearment, it’s a curse word…it’s a movement. There are no boundaries to “bey”. You can have 3 separate experiences and that word will be applicable to all of them.

 

Don’t believe me?

“Bey!”

 

…BEY

 

BEY….

In the heads of the Bahamian, all three of those words had a different feeling and a different energy. You’ll learn on day.

 

Crabby – Vagina

 

Bread – thick vagina (Re: Strong Camel toe)

 

Jungless – a young lady/gentleman with ghetto habits and a tendency to be in immaculate physical shape seemingly off air.

Ask your doctor if running from bullets and fighting “on this road” is for you in your weight loss journey!

“off air” – an event or occurrence that has happened with no real explanation, reason or purpose.

 

Dread – a poor mans “bey”

 

Jonser – a homeless person probably on drugs and or alcohol.

 

Tigh snack – “Tigh” is an abbreviated version of “thigh” and the snack implies you’re having a chicken meal with fries and a bun relegated, but not limited to, cutters, jungless and women of ill repute

Cutter(s) – a male/female you have sex with without the trappings of “commitment” or “self respect”.

 

“You like man!” – You’re silly/stupid! A term of endearment that has nothing to do with homosexuality

 

“You like man aye bey?” – You’re about to be stabbed and you should probably run. The “aye bey” implies violence to your person and you are not safe.

 

Bless – thank you

 

Bless up – thank you for loaning me money that you wont get back

 

Doggy – a penis

 

Cock – a large penis

 

Muddasick – Wow!

 

Wellmuddasick! – Typically the word used by men when asked, “Who is Melissa?” to give them time to think.  Also, “Wow!!”

 

Muddo! – an breviated “muddasick” for Bahamians who think they are better than others

 

 

I hope this helps and, for what its worth….Godspeed, beloved.

 

Be safe tho.

 

 

 

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