By Drew

 

Oh, y’all thought that title was an accident? I’m not stupid, I know there is only one sun. The earth orbits 1 sun and that sun gives heat to the world. That’s just basic science right there. My argument is….is it tho? Is there really only one sun and there isn’t a specific sun set on the Bahamas with different temperatures sent by an unforgiving unchristian God because maybe the rastas have been right all along?

I’m not saying we should worship him. I’m just saying we haven’t tried it yet and maybe that’s why its so hot. #EntertainingAllOptions #ReadyToSellPeanuts

Bey I know its 1 sun but lets not pretend like Abaco isn’t WAY hotter than Nassau. Aboconians, tell me I lie.

Don’t mind these conchy Joes….niggas got on SPF 4980 but pretending shit sweet #LookingAtYouOslin #ConchyJoesLikeBoatsBey

Beloved, it hot.

This is the kind of heat that makes you question if God really forgave us on the cross. I was looking at Joel Osteen sideways the other morning.

No eyes, large group of followers, everywhere for no reason whatsoever, loves Jesus…..Joel Osteen aka white TIMMAAAAAYYYYYY

Not that he isn’t always fulla shit but when you have one lasko fan on you as you lay with one leg out of the bed you tend to doubt even the lords shepherds.

Don’t look at me like I’m the only nigga who, when a lasko fan is blowing my way, puts one leg out of the bed in the heat of the day because scientifically that cools you down faster than one leg in the bed. Obviously I wouldn’t try that shit at night before the actual demons grab my leg and eat me.

There are rules to this shit, kids.

Then you have these suicidal Bahamians who actually enjoy this fuckery.

Yes, you heard me. There are actual Bahamians who, on the weekends, do absolutely insane shit like leave their rooms or worse…..go outside to be active.

Bruh…..fuck wrong with y’all?

I hate y’all because I don’t understand you. What made you leave your ac? Please tell me y’all have ac cause if not this is how I imagine y’all to be in your homes (or huts….beach people are weird)…

Moments later, Janelle would realize it wasn’t fine. It wasn’t fine at all

I’m at a point in my life where I’m ready to invest in a minifridge and a monkey. The fridge is to cool my drinks and the monkey is there to bring me snacks and bring word of life beyond my apartment.

His name is Treize Kushrenada and he will be the captain of my monkey army when the robot apocalypse occurs. Laugh now, cry later, niggas! #AnArmyWillRise #WeOnlySavinPeopleBetweenFoxHillAndWinton

 

I understand why Renaldo had a son now….it all makes sense.

Treize Kushrenada will probably be expensive whereas Nal had that nigga for free. What a luxury it must be for him to scream out Kaizens name and not only does he understand but look…he brought the remote and a glass of water. I should have gotten my ex pregnant when I had a chance because now I’m stuck in my bed wondering if I even need to leave this cold ac lest the heat touch me.

And God forbid you have a car with no ac (like myself). If y’all see a white Daewoo Lancer doing 100mph in traffic understand that’s just me trying to catch some breeze. Not all these accidents are drunk drivers, guys!

That truck didn’t have AC. I just know it didn’t

Its to the point now where I just leave leftovers in the car then eat it an hour later knowing its defrosted and hot enough to digest.

This….this is the reason for our divorce rate.

You can’t be happy in love with no ac in your car and come home to a woman who went from an air conditioned car to her air conditioned job only to return home to an air conditioned room and acting like y’all struggle is the same.

“I don’t give a fuck about the man that punched you in the face today, Carol. Why was this AC not on when I got home, woman?!?!?! ” #Priorities

 

Even the Jonsers are acting different. Niggas staying in the shade and begging, son. They ain on that hard tar barefoot no more.

I’m lying?

When last y’all saw the jonser by the light on Mackey and Shirley Street?

I’ll wait.

Exactly

That nigga went back to crime for the summer because its too damn hot!

“Miss you know I normally just harass you for dollar but I ga need that purse and a cup of ice water with lime if you have it please!”

Everyone who calls me pisses me off because I’m wondering if they don’t realize its too hot to not text or to have me on the phone asking me dumb questions.

“wHaT tImE wiLL YoU bE tO WoRk?!” Nigga I’ll be to work when a cloud comes through how bout that?

I promised I wouldn’t blame the FNM for this but if dark colors attract heat and Leslie Miller ain in charge of BPL then boy I don’t know. This evidence mounting up against Minnis and Co. is all I’m saying. Leslie Miller was a gentleman. He would cut your light off either all night or all day. None of this passive aggressive 6pm to 10:15pm foolishness BPL doing. He was respectful!

Thinking bout you, bro. Need you to come turn my light off during the day while people at work like you used to. #MissYou #ThisWhatHappensWhenYouVotePartyAndNotPeople #StayWoke

I just don’t understand this weather of late. Its like God either wants us to burn for our sins or get someone pregnant cause one minute its hotter than, I assume, Jeremys pee, and the next its raining like we’re all lightskin niggas in a mid 2000’s R&B music video.

Niggas always in the rain singing when they cheated on their girl and gave them herpes #staywoke

I remember winter.

I remember not having to have a wash cloth in my back pocket, a towel in my car and not having to wear undershirts always. I remember those cold fronts would send cold fronts knocking to my door because it was bear season and women wanted to be warm and cuddled.

Now?

“Soon as this AC kick in we ga juice but stay on your side till then, beloved”

Big niggas don’t get love in the summer…..we too sweaty.

I sweat so much that I typically have to get from my apartment to my car as fast as possible and get to the function just as fast so my armpits don’t start a river on my tricep. It’s a rush to comfort.

Please….PLEASE people……don’t invite me to anything you’re having if its outdoors or your ac isn’t working. My thing is why would you even do that? Who do you even pray to bey?

This is friendship ending heat.

“YOU KNEW YOUR AC WASN’T WORKING WHEN YOU INVITED ME NOW I SWEATING OUT THIS PERM BECAUSE YOU CHOSE TO BE THE ANTCHRIST THIS EVENING…..”

If your car doesn’t have ac please don’t give me a ride.

If your house/apartment/boat/body doesn’t have ac please don’t invite me to come through.

And Lord, Selassi, Buddha, Brent SYmonette, Allah, Beyonce….whoever I have to pray to: Please…..stop the sun from doing this.

 

 

And now, an open letter to the sun…

Dear Sun,

That’s enough….you a real nigga. You keeping it too 100 now and I want to see my family again. I wont hold you but stop.

Just stop.

 

Yours, Truly…

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