By Andrew Bain

 

I’m not religious in the slightest but I love the stories. I love the tale of the good Samaritan. Not so much that he was kind but that he was rich and kind. We love fake-caring on social media but very few of us would actually help out a hungry, beaten stranger on the streets. In 2018? If we see a man beaten we’d legit be on some…

“Move….let me get a better angle of this human suffering….LOOOOOONE LIKES MA’BOY!!!”

Speaking of good Samaritans, remember that one time Hubert Minnis rode the bus and tried to play a little game Bahamian politicians play called “who is more grassroots?”. Hubert was on the bus like….

Actual photo of our Prime minister on a #16 bus. He looks so comfortable.

But we’re a long way from that #16 bus and an even longer way yet from that phrase he so gallantly yelled out every gotdamn day during the elections….”Its the peoples time!!!”. Unfortunately for the 3,000 odd employees of number houses across the Bahamas, the logo SHOULD read, “Its the Peoples time for those that can afford helicopters, planes, and have a specific taste for corned beef….also, no ketchup”. Its within this vein that I’d like to address our Prime Minister, our actual Prime Minister (Brent) and the things we’ll lose in their fire.

Now, I know everyone is upset over the 12% VAT increase and I am too….

OK….thats a lie.

I’m an unmarried, childless, man whose only responsibility is a gold fish named “Troy”  and a penchant for drinking beyond my limits. This VAT increase does not at all effect me or people LIKE me. Don’t mind all these social media fake-woke people out here bitch moaning and complaining about VAT like they have actual responsibilities in real life. I was fine until I heard them say that they would tax Island Luck at 50% for every $100 million earned. I went from this…

“LoL…12% on these married people with chirren. Shoulda pull out, beloved!”

To  this….

…wait….the fuck?!?!?!?!

 

Full disclosure, I work at Island Luck and I’m proud of it. I’m the senior vice chairman of excrement removal for the admin toilet facilities. In other words, I’m kind of a big deal. Hearing I could possibly lose my job in the coming months scared the actual shit out of me because guess where I, much like many other number house employees, worked before I came here?

Yip….Bahamar.

The irony of that little shitshow was at least there was a plan in place for the workers to have some sort of a cushion to usher them into their inevitable poverty.

“We are going to pay them half their salary every 2 weeks for 3 months and then…..who wants a free t-shirt and/or wings!!!!! #Y’allLikeGetDistractedByFreeTshirtBoy #iStillHaveMineButThineThePoint “

So my question is, when you guys impose this new tax on the number houses and they inevitably fire the majority of us…what exactly IS your plan for the people you displaced for personal reasons? And lets be clear…..D’Aguilar and company have had a hard on for Sebas in particular for a little while now…..this is not business, this is personal. There is no way you can justify raising the tax 435% literally off air.

“Mr Speaker, I was told by BoBo and Lil Ray Ray that “off air” was justifiable reasoning for a tax hike…….no?”

I wish there was some other way to say this but, Mr. Minnis, you sir are doing what we the “can’t afford a goddamn helicopter” members of society like to call “Fucking up”. You are up shits creek and I don’t think you have the boots for it, beloved.

You know you’re messing up as a Brent Symonette puppet when the conchy joes turn on you. Y’all are acting like white Bahamian people don’t work at Island Luck. Like we don’t have conchy joes about to get screwed sideways too. I’m sure they were calling Brent like….

“Dear Mister “I’m Too Good To Call Or Write My Fans”
This will be the last package I ever send your ass
It’s been six months and still no word, I don’t deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters, I wrote the addresses on ’em perfect” – Also broke Conchy Joes.

And, lets be clear, this is not a white vs black thing, folks. I poke fun at Brent Symonette because he’s richer than Jesus and I really do assume he secretly is head of a shadow government that lowkey runs Nassau. That being said, black folks are the majority: We literally have the power to fix this ourselves. But when you decide to vote party and not people you end up with house niggas running the show who are more backwards than Brent Symonette could EVER be. Trust me, no ones hates niggas more than niggas.

Hubert Minnis and Peter Turnquest reading this article like…..

So why? Why the number houses?

Y’all could have taxed the ACTUAL casinos, lowered your salaries, taxed tourists, taxed the actual rich…..shit….I’m at a point where I’m legit ready for y’all to tax these churches because if you’re asking us to pay 12%, and then asking number houses to pay 50% you misewell tax the church that SAME 10% they’re taxing us. Tax them and watch the sermon change July 1st.

“The Lord spoke to me today and told me that his flock needs to pay for my mortgage, kids college tuition, sweethearts hair/nails/abortion, ribena 20%….because Jesus and what not.” – Bahamian pastors

 

Tax the church and watch how quick they join the rest of the 99%. And by the way, number houses have done more for this island, financially, than the church has ever done.

Let me repeat that for those that think they misread what I said…

Ahem

NUMBER HOUSES HAVE DONE MORE FOR THIS ISLAND, FINANCIALLY, THAN THE CHURCH HAS EVER DONE.

And please miss me with the bullshit that “you can’t put a number on Gods grace and mercy and his appointed shepherds that lead his flock.”

Um, yes I can.

10%, beloved.

Thats how much it costs for his grace and mercy according to a bible verse that does not exist outside of the words of self appointed men that live better than 99% of their congregation 100% of the time. I’m not sure which bible they’ve been reading….mussy the book of Hovah.

“Our text this evening comes from Reasonable Doubt Chapter 1 vs 6 “D’Evils”…”

The number houses were the first to show up when the hurricanes came through. Flowers was the first to send money to outislands devastated by the hurricanes. Sebas mobilized his entire staff to open stores so that people could charge phones, sleep, have water, use the bathroom etc. Oh I know first hand…..BECAUSE I WAS ONE OF THE STAFF MEMBERS!

“…this storm been over for 2 minutes now and y’all ain give out this water yet?!?!” – Sebas (TrueStory)

Those same “number boys” made accommodations for general staff to stay in their private homes in case they got flooded out.

Let me repeat….THEIR PRIVATE HOMES. Y’all really think Peter Turnquest was gonna let you in his house let alone one of his (now VAT free) planes or helicopters without paying, I assume, a 12% downpayment on room and board?

When schools need assistance, when people need help burying their loved ones, when people needed just bill money…..the “number boys” were there. Shit…..we put Potcake on salary and all.

Y’all thought hubcap money bought those clothes aye? #StayWoke #HeStillSleepsOnTheChurchWallButThasByChoice

How much more money does Sebas really have to give entrepreneurs? How much more does he have to give the Cancer society?

Island Luck has given to Fourth Terrace Diagnostics, Ministry of Youth and Sports, The Grand Bahamas Childrens Home, University of the Bahamas, Hands for Hunger, school computer drives, Coins for Kids, Kids Carnival….and the list goes on.

How many more people does Mr. Roker have to lend a hand to or families he’s personally helped out? And as for Flowers?

Well that’s personal.

He was there for my Uncle Ronnie (Butler) when he was ill. He paid for medical fees, housing, etc. He personally made sure my uncle drifted into the long night quietly. As his nephew, as a non-Peter-Turnquest-ass-nigga, as a human being………I will forever be grateful to him for that.

This Bahamian Legend wrote a song entitled “Tired Pussy” and I think thats beautiful #RIP

Mr. Minnis (Brent), it doesn’t have to come to this.

I really feel like you’re in over your head and now you’re just throwing shit at the wall and hoping it makes sense in the long run. Sir, you are about to do something reckless and this will not end well for you or your party. And  you’re doing it so early! Perry and Ingram used to wait until the middle of their political run to start fucking up….you’re a go-getter!

Or is this y’all master plan?

“Lets do dumb shit now so that way by the time its time to run again we’ll Tshirt and free soda them into a re-election! #ThePeoplesTiming”

Once more i’m reminded of the story of the good Samaritan when I think about what you’re going to do to the Number houses. Remember the way that story went, Mr. Minnis? A man was traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho when he was attacked by men of ill intent.

Pictured above: “Ill intent”

They stripped the traveler of his clothes and beat him. Took all of his money…all of his belongings, and left him bleeding in the dirt. A priest happened by and moved to the other side of the road. A Levite, a religious functionary, was passing by and also went to the other side of the road. But then a Samaritan, a good man, saw him and helped him. Attended to his wounds, applying oil and wine. Then he took him to an inn and paid for him to be housed, fed and taken care of.

Um, no….not that INN…they wasnt going to juice on a budget. Focus!

 

The traveler, the Samaritan, then continued on his journey. He did it simply because he loved his city and all the people in it. Despite his wealth he never forgot his humanity.

I bet when you rode that #16 you felt like the Samaritan in that story. Its funny how even the best of men can be deceived by their true nature.

Mr Minnis you are not the Samaritan. You’re not the priest, nor are you the Levite.

Beloved, you are the ill intent…..that set upon the traveler on a road that, in your mind, he should not have been on.

But, my mother always says, “changing your mind is one of the most intelligent things a person can do”. Words that came in handy after being catfished on Facebook a few times.

Ok first off I don’t believe your name is Sade……at all, actually

I noticed Mr. Minnis has been more or less in hiding and has his proxies speaking in his stead.

Sidenote: Please don’t send Marlon Johnson to speak anywhere ever again. I know its the peoples time but this nigga goatee is struggling to make sense as it is and you thought he would make sense to the people?

“Send the 3,000 negroes to the overstaffed barely opened hotel to struggle with their kind was my only point when I made the dumber statement earlier this week. #HisApology”

I don’t know what the compromise for any of this is. I have done 0 research and I’m getting tired of even trying to follow the plethora of people, far and wide, that are calling this a horrible idea. Sir, do the right thing. And if you don’t want to do that then do the smart thing. And if all else fails, remember these verses from the physicians Hippocratic Oath that you took….

“I will prevent disease whenever I can, for prevention is preferable to cure.

I will remember that I remain a member of society, with special obligations to all my fellow human beings, those sound of mind and body as well as the infirm.

If I do not violate this oath, may I enjoy life and art, respected while I live and remembered with affection thereafter. May I always act so as to preserve the finest traditions of my calling and may I long experience the joy of healing those who seek my help.”

3,000 of us are sick and seeking your help. Will you be the physician or play the fleeting role of a politician?

 

Chose ye this day.

 

Be safe tho

 

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