By Drew

 

Make no mistake, I did not attend Bahamas Junkanoo Carnival. (We’ll call it BJC from now on which I think is hilarious because the BJC’s used to be the worst. Do we still even do BJC’s? What did that even stand for? I feel like that was them testing whether or not you would be allowed into some Lyford Cay associated X-Men school for gifted teenagers that were non violent but “speak well”….

Wait, was this the slavery “choice” Kanye was talking about? Cause I want in!

But I digress.

Ya I didn’t go to BJC for several reasons including, but not limited to, I truly, in the deepest part of my being, hate soca. I just don’t understand what all the hub-bub is about.

People….its the same song. EVERY SOCA SONG SOUNDS THE SAME.

Jesus, man!

Then to make matters worse, the ONE soca song I do love with the entirety of my being is the one song they didn’t play.

Listen….listen to Allison hinds being perfect and timeless.

However, regardless of my unwavering hate for soca and drinking in the scalding hot sun while walking for 18hrs (seriously….what is the point of this bey. I know y’all wan have fun but at what cost?) I must admit it looked fun out there this year so here is my didn’t-go-to-BJC couch review of the Bahamas Junkanoo Carnival.

Did I mention that I hate soca? Cause I hate soca.

But in hating soca and not understanding the incessant need to “palance” I respect and will forever defend your right as consenting adults TO soca and fete. Based on social media, no kids or animals seemed to have been harmed during the festivities. Well, one human was made fun of actually.

This lady

First off, no, she isn’t a small woman…..that’s objectively true.

But let he/she without generational high cholesterol and diabetes cast the first stone or else keep silence and sit small.

I love how y’all wanna body shame this woman and act like some of y’all 100lb folks ain skinny-fat and or bad shape. Matter of fact some of you “slim” folks needed to put ON  a few pounds in them costumes but wanna tease this young lady for having the confidence I didn’t have to go out in the street. Make no mistake, a large reason why I didn’t touch the road outside of hating soca was because I’m not that confident in my own body to take my shirt off at the beach let alone for thousands to ridicule me much like they did this woman.

This is supposed to be a happy time while y’all hating and projecting your insecurities on a woman that just wanted to get drunk, wine and hopefully get some, I assume, skinny man penis later.

“Big gals like skinny niggas fa true” – Albert Einstein

So, to that young lady: hats off to you. You’re not brave by the way. Don’t let these “free thinking” Bahamians gas you into thinking you’re brave and a hero. Firefighters, Navy Seals, Policeman and people living in fucking Syria right now are brave.

You’re just confident, you’re comfortable in your own skin and you’re awesome. My God are you awesome. In a society where looking like you, looking like me and not being perfect isn’t good enough….to those haters I say…….send nudes.

Oh, you read that right…..yip…..I’m taking the low road.

Send nudes.

Lets make it a hashtag for when some fuckstick decides to fat shame our women.

Since your body so perfect and you wanna talk shit about them….send us an unfiltered picture of yourself naked for the world to see….seeing as you wanna talk shit and what not. And don’t hide behind “Ya, but I didn’t attend the parade and neither should they!!!”

Then nigga why you commenting?

“LoL….I’m entitled to my opinion so y’all can get mad all you want”- We all know this guy #SendNudes #MrT.Wells

In essence what I’m saying is if you don’t look like this …

…then shut the fuck up.      #OnlyPerfectWoman #iMeanMyMommyIsPrettyAmazingButSheUsedToBeatMeSoSheAtLike99% #SadeNeverBeatMeTho #NotYetAtleast

What makes me laugh is the people finding her body hysterical are people who, like me, either didn’t attend the march or played it safe and stayed on the outskirts of the road whilst taking pictures OF PEOPLE ON THE ROAD.

Its levels to how dumb y’all are so give me a minute.

First off if you’re at home, like me, watching Carnival on facebook or Kyran Turnquests instagram stories because jesus christ this nigga snapped everything. Nigga was out there living his best life. He was like a lightskin soca weatherman.

“The Soca storm is hitting us hard right now and its total disorder, don’t cross the border and I do hope the bartender will hurry up with me order…..back to you, Karen.”

If you didn’t attend Carnival then you have no right to sit there and bash it. And lets get to you sexless assholes that wrote epistles about BJC on your social media.

Y’all were super concerned about Kanye and his mental state literally a few days ago and now y’all just decided to remember how important Bahamian Junkanoo culture was and how we should champion it because “Carnival” isn’t Bahamian? Fuck were y’all when Junkanoo was going down tho? Where was all this “Bahamas first” convo before and after Carnival? Y’all mad that we’re “borrowing” things from other cultures but meanwhile, on the McDonalds line….

Come with that same energy to the nearest Checkers or Oh Andros, beloved.

Now all of a sudden niggas out here recreationally outraged at the lack of Bahamian-ness at Carnival?

Also, I come from a Valley Boys family and all my peeps were out there so how does your non Junkanoo ass have an opinion on Junkanoo matters?

“John Canoe is our festival and John Canoe should be implemented for the culture.” – She said while in Starbucks not reading a book she’s going to instasnap later

The most annoying people next to these folks were the “I’ve been to carnival in other parts of the Caribbean so I know more than y’all” people.

Ok firstly, fuck off. Who cares bey?

Why can’t Bahamians do Bahamian shit? We start late, we dance our own way, we remix the dances FROM other places and we do it OUR WAY. One minute you ask us to be authentic and the next, when we do it our way, y’all mad because “At Jamaica carnival they (Insert bloated generalization here)”. Same niggas that go to Atlanta once and think they “used to shit.”

“Oh you’ve only been to Miami? I’ve been to Atlanta once so…..ya, I’m kinda cultured. I’m finna go back soon tho!”

No one likes you….those likes on your post are because people want to be able to easily find it again when they make fun of you later.

#StayWoke.

Y’all just want something to post a status about because

A) You borin.

B) You low-key wanted to go to carnival but your boyfriend/girlfriend or lack of money didn’t allow you to go or

C) You borin.

By Thursday y’all will have something newer and dumber to fake-care about tho and that’s what makes you kids so fun!

“Lets see….whats gonna make me sound conscious and smart for a few hours….oh look….murder! Likes fa days!!!”

Because you decided not to attend or don’t like BJC I want you to know that that is your right and I will defend your right to bitch and complain annoyingly on Facebook for the rest of my days. Problem is, while you were angrily typing your statuses about 5,000 people were doing this.

I mean keep typing but maybe you should ask your doctor of busting a nut and fucking off would be best for you moving forward.

Can’t lie tho, the more I see the pics and videos the more I wish I had gone. The colors, the costumes, the dancing etc. My hats off to all of you. You all looked amazing and beautiful….I really mean that.

Ok, I dont really mean that cause…did y’all see yourselves when y’all hit that lil hill by Thompson Boulevard?

Niggas was out there like. …

Palance….Thompson Blvd remix

I saw couple people on social media having the time of their life on the main road but niggas went radio silent when they hit that hill. Then to make matters worse, word on the street was that KFC ran out of…well….chicken. What a time!

Catastrophe aside, I have 2 critiques for Junkanoo Carnival…..from a never-going-to-this guys perspective:

1)  Why is it judged? Most people were in it to hit the road and have fun. When you judge something you kinda make it less than what it is. You take the fun out of something, nay the one thing on this island that is centered around adults being able to fucking adult without the christian council catching feelings.

…oh I’ll address them niggas….patience

Also, I feel like y’all should have a mini rushout at the end.

Not in the name of culture but because why not, bey. I would DEFINITELY attend the ending part if that happened since y’all insist on not playing Faluma during carnival. But I won’t ruin your fun just for that. I’ll leave that to the pastors.

Pastors/religious leaders……y’all ain tired?

This was y’all superbowl! It had everything y’all hate: Dancing, gays, number houses, alcohol, adult happiness, etc.

“Ok you take the gays, I’ll comment on the morality and you discuss the number houses involvement. Tithes money party at my house later. #GodsPlan??

I saw in the Bahama Journal that some pastor said that Carnival causes “Moral Damage”.

 

LoL….really, nigga?

I won’t even get into the children the church has molested, the sweethearts y’all have, the tithes you steal and the bullshit you spew. That’s for lesser unintelligent writers that would take such a low stance to attack such “high” morals.

Nah….I refer you to 2nd Kings chapter 2 verses 23-25.

(Y’all forget I went to church AND Kingsway which was church but with white people and no pool.)

“We’re interdenominational because we don’t have a pool to baptize you in, beloved.” #iWillNeverStopTalkingAboutThis #WhereMyCookieAndAntiUniformMoney?

In 2nd Kings some kids tease Elisha for being bald and he, in turn, cursed them (in the name of the Lord) and then God sent 2 female bears to kill 42 young men for calling Elisha bald.

Just giving y’all a minute to fact check that….meanwhile enjoy this white boy killing it with these volcanic dance moves. Could dance aye!!!

Y’all done?

K….so….to the pastor that wrote that article I only read the headline to…..I know we’re not perfect and I know y’all like to ignore the part of the bible about free will, not judging others and how eating shelled seafood is a sin……but can we just agree that none of us caused 42 children to get killed by female bears? Jesus daddy did that according to the Bible so….

If we can agree that that didn’t happen and that no children, bears or your tithes are being affected….could y’all just not? Carnival people aren’t hurting anyone but themselves with their incessant dancing.

This is the ONE event in Nassau where gals half naked and NO ONE got raped, stabbed, murdered….none of it. Y’all out here mad at adults openly having fun but have yet to deal with the rampant unwanted sexual advances of men preying on young high school girls on this island but super concerned about a bunch of 30 somethings on their apparent worst behavior?

Thats your focus?

SMT

In the end I’m glad, yet again, it was successful. Thank you to Island luck for sponsoring the event….a job well done. Thanks to Khaled….you may not eat pussy but….well….that’s a whole other thing but thanks for coming. Look out for my article about that….

“The Uneaten Vagina (And Where To Find It)” – By Drew #AnotherOne

And to all my fans of soca, people on the road march and people who enjoyed the festivities this weekend I want you to know that soca is really…really fucking stupid but I’m glad you kids had fun.

Watch you all on social media from the comfort of my home next year!

 

Stay(faluma ding ding ding) Woke

 

P.S. I know its not Bahamas Junkanoo Carnival anymore, its just Bahamas Carnival….but until y’all play “Faluma” or “Roll it Gal” at the event I will continue to disrespect your soca…..or lack thereof.

Judge ya ma.

 

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