I didn’t want to write this article. For F sakes we’re a few days into Black History Month and I’m writing about chicken. Fake woke and Ankh dudes everywhere are losing their crossfitting vegan little minds as we speak.
Black folks, we gotta be honest: We have rhythm, we’re super good at sports……and we really really love chicken. Especially Bahamians. We love chicken so much that we built a giant chicken in the middle of the island. We’ve torn down a conch shell, built a bridge and burned down Galleria and yet….that chicken remains.
That being said, it bothered me that there has never been a serious conversation as to who indeed has the best chicken on this island? Well, as per usual, I’m here to answer that question as we finally bring an end to this war of attrition and conclude…..who has the best chicken in Nassau. Let the chicken war commence!
On The Run
Sober? Worst chicken on the planet.
No…NO….look at me beloved.
Do not…I repeat, DO NOT eat this chicken if you’re sober. There’s nothing to be gained there. Eating On The Run chicken sober is like walking through the ghetto at 3 am with a pocket full of cash. I’m not saying you’ll absolutely die….I’m just saying you’re not gonna be the same after.
However….this is a SOLID option if its 3 am, Bamboo is closed and you don’t live near an Imperial. If you’re lucky you catch a fresh batch and, if you live close enough, you can speed home before it inevitably gets cold and you slice your mouth open on its…um…crispiness. I’m pretty sure they make On The Run chicken out of whatever the fuck they made the statue out of.
I know it seems like I’m bashing it because I totally am. And I know it begs the question of why the hell its number 5 on a list that could have included a myriad of other options because it does. Full disclosure: It’s on the list because that chicken has saved my life on so many occasions that I feel like someone else out there relates. Someone else reading this lives east, got drunk and passed a closed KFC, Popeyes etc but then saw the heavenly lights of On The Run and made a decision….my God did we make a decision. Years later that decision will lead to diabetes, hypertension and probably heart failure but that night? That drunken horrible night? We had a savior….and he didn’t die on a cross to rise again….he was microwaved with ketchup and hot sauce and placed in a flimsy diaper of a box by a lady that hated you a little more than she does her own life….and to them, I say thank you and God bless.
Thanks for always being there, beloved.
Guys…..Have you ever met a girl and she was like a 7.5/10 but you decided she was cute so you say whatevs and take her out. You begin to date and she has an amazing personality and you get along and the sex isn’t the best but it pales in comparison to her character and how pure she is.
Then you meet her cousin that she kept away from you (on purpose) for 3 months and realize she’s fine as fuck and way cooler than your girl that you’re more or less already stuck with. Well…..Sammys is that girlfriend and Bamboo shack is the sexy cousin.
Sammy’s has all the right ingredients to be amazing but there is something missing…..I can’t put my finger on it but somehow their chicken is good but not like “I NEED some Sammys” good. Sammy’s chicken is the girl you take home from the club because the girl you wanted to take home had a boyfriend and wasn’t in the mood to cheat. Cause lets be honest: Boyfriends are just speed bumps these days.
In the end its far superior to On the Run but a day late and a dollar short when compared to…
Shut up….I know. I know y’all think Bamboo has the best chicken which to that I ask….do they?
Hear me out.
Bamboo has really great chicken. But when you have to give instructions for said chicken then we’re running into “is this really worth it” territory. If we’re having sex and I have to keep telling you how I want it then you too would get bored real quick. So imagine if Bamboo shack was a girl….that shit would get annoying real quick.
One could argue that they do it the way you want but that brings up yet another question…..Do they?
I can’t speak for all Bamboo Shacks but one or two of them are hit or miss. Sometimes that shit is right as rain and then sometimes its meh. I find that you can’t eat Bamboo in quick succession. Bamboo chicken is more a mood than it is a desire. You gotta be in the mood for bamboo….and lord when you are, they deliver. So again, amazing chicken, great flavor, good at what they do most of the time but they are not nearly as consistent as….
Can I have a minute alone with my babygirl for a bit?
Just stop reading let me talk to her for one sec.
Hey babes, they stopped reading…..no for real they did. Listen….you know I love you. You’ve been in my life for 36 years and you know what that time means to me. Remember when we first met? You were $2.99…lol…good times, right? Served up with a biscuit and a sweet soda. We were so young then.
But you changed over the years. Hell…we both did. I cheated on you with Bamboo Shack, Popeyes….shit, even Chicken Unlimited before she passed away…
I was just fuckin them girls, I was gon’ be right back. But you changed. Started fucking with fish and shrimp and for a while, there even tried to make peas ‘n’ rice…..I didn’t sign up for all of that. I just wanted you. Three piece, breast and leg, mixed, megasized….and yes….with a diet coke.
See how we finish our sentences? You knew just how much heart stopping fried goodness I needed sans the extra sugar from a normal coke.
Then your quality got sketchy and you moved all your goodness out Saunders Beach. You know I live east….why would you do your best work so far away from home….so far away from me?
Sweetheart, look what you’ve done to us.
They say you can’t turn a bad girl good but once a good girls gone bad then she’s gone forever…..now I’ve got to live with the fact that I did you wrong forever.
I can’t see it coming down my eyes….but yes, I’d like to megasize my fries but I had to make this post cry.
Ahem….Hey everyone, you can read again now…
KFC is great and will always be important but I’d like you to meet my new lady in my life, the best chicken in Nassau….
I won’t lie, I didn’t think y’all could beat KFC….I really didn’t. As I said earlier I live east. I remember when they first opened and the line was all the way down to Doris Johnson….because that’s what rage filled kids need….energy from chicken.
I can admit that I can be contrarion at times….but then I had their four-piece dinner with the large mac and cheese and…….yea….it was over. I knew where my heart belonged.
Sidebar: For your consideration, if you really wanna make your Popeyes mac and cheese pop…add red pepper flakes, pepper and a little cilantro to taste……fucking orgasm in your mouth beloved. #StayWoke
I mean they didn’t even make it fair. Their pieces are double the size, they’re twice as consistent as anyone else and, unlike the aforementioned offenders….its real, seasoned, crispy chicken without the shame of the 3am guilt sweats. Also, have you ever had their honey biscuits?
In what witch coven did they decide, “Hey, we already gave them chicken…lets throw in a dry salty biscuit….but then give em honey to set that bitch off!”
You really can’t go wrong.
I’m sorry kids but Popeyes wins….they simply are the best.
And I know….this is subjective and you’ll all have your own opinions. Please know that I respect your opinions as I accept you. But also know that you’re wrong and evolution will claim you soon enough for your inaccuracies.
So if you’re ever out East and stop by Popeyes ….ask them for the Drew special….tell them Andrew sent you.
They won’t have any idea what you’re talking about and will probably cause others behind you to bash you verbally whilst, I’m sure, laying on their horn forcing you to place your original premeditated order. ……But thanks for trying anyway.