By Drew

 

Did you guys know onus is an actual word? For years when Bahamians said it I thought they made it up in an attempt to sound smart. I thought they were saying it like “ownness”. You know how we love to add S’s to things.

“I in my good jeans pants so you wan go Green Parrots or the Frys?”

We’ll come back to that.

The Bahamas is known for a lot of things: Sun, sand, sea, Saunders Beach’s superior KFC, etc. One thing we are NOT known for is forward thinking. We’re pretty ass backwards with a lot of things and we tend to hide our penchant for conservatism in Christianity and government. I remember people being shocked by the Vote No campaign these religious leaders ran like these “men of God” didn’t JUST let women wear pants in church a few weeks ago because God forgives murderers and child molesters but to wear a pantsuit in the sanctuary is just pure evil.

Whore

I’m personally confused by it all so bear with me as I try and deconstruct the criminilization of marital rape in the Bahamas and our lack of common sense.

Sigh

Why are we back here again?

I feel like every time we take a step forward to better ourselves or just when things are looking up, what with our new government and recent renovations/beautification of Imperial downtown, that we were walking into 2018 like studs.

You know what I meant, google search. SMT

I know Trump is president and Carls Jr just closed down but I really thought we took a step forward this year. Then I saw in the newspaper that the government wanted to readdress the marital rape law but wanted to consult with religious leaders first to hear their opinion.

Um, guys….why is this still a thing?

Why are we consulting OTHER grown men concerning a common sense issue…ABOUT WOMEN? Yes, I said it. There are some things you take to God and there are some things I think we should all just agree are fucked up, make a law and keep it moving.

I swear y’all WANT to be micromanaged by Jesus.

“Damn it Shavon it’s the 5th time he cheated on you….why you even askin me for guidance, beloved? ”

My confusion is, if women are out here saying their husbands are raping them, and you’re not one of those husbands, then whats the problem exactly?

Why is this even a conversation?

If they made a law against having sex with underage potcakes in public, why in the Name of PETA would I give a shit?

“Babe they just outlawed potcake sex…..Good thing I like vagina and not potcake sex!”

If you’re a red blooded Bahamian man and your wife refuses to have sex with you then you do what the law says and find yourself a quality sweetheart that understands and keep it moving. If raping your wife is your plan B then you’ve clearly not been paying attention.

Nothing says “I don’t rape my wife” like a sweetheart. Ask your doctor if sweethearting is for you and get the sleep you deserve!

Y’all realize a good majority of these religious leaders full of shit right?

Wanna test that theory?

Ok…..lets get a list of all these religious leaders that are FOR marital rape……and lets be clear; if you’re not for a marital rape law then you’re absolutely against a law being made.

I’m not here for your sideways bullshit.

“I mean…I would never rape my wife but she better give me sex when I want or I’ll take it because the Bible….make sense?” #No #NoItDoesn’tMakeSense

So lets gather all the names and then lets make those names public. If you’re proud of your stance then you should have no issues standing up for your cause.

Trust me, once that collection/tithing plate gets light they’ll advocate for anything to make bank. We need to stop the anonymity and call them out the same way we now have a symbol to identify racists…

Thanks, Donald!

 

 

…we can have a birds eye view of all the backwards, misogynist pastors on the island. You should know which churches to avoid is all I’m saying.

And please miss me with the “…well the Bible DOES say…” BS. The Bible says you shouldn’t have premarital sex, eat shelled fish or show your legs but they had to make a whole song about saving conch the other day. The irony of these religious leaders is they advocate for stronger families but hate women and are REALLY concerned about what gay niggas do behind closed doors.

“You know the drill: if the hurricane hits its the gays and if it misses its because of our prayers.” #FoolProofPlan

Listen, Bahamian religious folks, repeat after me….

Your spouse is not your property.

Yes, you too female pastors cause y’all just as backwards as these male ones.

YOUR SPOUSE IS NOT YOUR PROPERTY.

Outside of the Bible, the group think among Bahamian men is that once they get married they have “papers on that pussy”.

Um, no niggas…..you don’t.

You have papers on the physical shit you both share and if we’re being honest you don’t even have papers on that, beloved. RE: Tiger Woods.

Married to this not-a-nigga for 6 yrs and walked away with 150 million…and it’s the pussy papers y’all overly concerned about? #StayWoke

Do I hope to one day get married and have a ton of consensual walk around naked, eat chicken fresco Marcos pizza off each other sex?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

But if my wife says no then its no.

Will I throw on that Celine Dion song she likes, give her shots of Disarono and wash all her clothes, the dishes, my dick, the windows, etc  to show her how much I REALLY wanna have sex regardless of her saying no the first time?

Abso-

Fucking-

Lutely

Guys please understand that orgasms don’t start when you awkwardly fake-finger her….it starts with doing the shit she asked you to. Wanna turn a woman on? Do a chore she normally does without being told to and don’t mess it up.

Bruh

“Girl this nigga outside cleaning my car with a load in the dryer and dinner in the oven….I’m about to ride him into 2018!”

There is absolutely no reason to have to resort to forcing yourself on your wife…..but it happens.

Have I ever heard about it happening? Nope.

Do I know anyone its happened to? Nope…not one person.

Do I need statistics as to how many women have been raped by their husbands and how often etc? Nah, I don’t.

Know why?

Because fuck me that’s why.

Why do I need that information to make a decision on if WE SHOULD CRIMINALIZE RAPE?!!

Beloved, I also don’t know the stats or anyone that’s had sex with animals, raped kids, killed horses or the number of church services that Perry Christie has slept in but chances are its happened and we probably shouldn’t let it.

Even Perry tired of y’all bein dumb.
JK, He’s old and sleepy

I figured once I saw the report that day that that would be the end of it and Minnis would finesse the law into being, the same way he killed off the Vote No buffoonery.

Then this happened…

Gals hate gals bey…lol #EqualityTho #FemiNisM #GirlPower

Who this gal is?

But I digress.

Kids, our leaders are discussing actual rape with the men we also appointed to rate/judge/and decide on which movies we’re allowed to see at Galleria?

….am I taking crazy pills?

THESE the niggas we have to “Get advice” from?

“Today’s agenda: Confirm Star Wars doesn’t have witchcraft. Consult the government on if gals could get rape by their husbands or not.” #WorkFlow #WorkDumbPlayHard.

Listen, I’m not saying we shouldn’t listen to our religious leaders and adhere to what they have to say seeing as they are the voices of God. I’m just saying do that on Sunday in church and leave the common sense issues to the niggas we put in positions of power.

And do no mistake me, this is a common sense issue.

I have to give it to Dr. Minnis, he saw that niggas was dumb during the “Vote No” shenanigans and made a great call to reverse it.

So its on you, Bobby. (Thats what I call him now because I make my own rules)

Its time to find that same gumption you had when you reversed the Vote No and criminalize marital rape. And I have a plan as to how you do it…

Step 1.

Tell niggas its law….but do it on a Thursday.

Niggas love obituaries…they won’t care about saving the women from the raping…trust me on this one.

“Fresh market has a sale on eggs, Marital Rape law got passed,….OH LOOK, Freddy “GritsBoy” Johnson Died….Remember him?”

Step 2.

Distract from their fake anger by having a KO produced Blackout event. Everything has to be free so its going to cost you but it’ll be worth it. Have at least 280,000 (free) t-shirts at the ready.

You can save them, Bobby. You can save all of them….with poorly sized t-shirts

Step 3.

Dance….Dance like you mean it.

Nothing Bahamians love more than a charismatic leader with old school dancing skills. During said KO produced Blackout event, break out in some roach stomping, rake & scrape, nonsensical gyration and watch the sentience ooze right out of them. It’s like the forbidden dance but for niggas.

Sidebar: To test to see if you or a loved one can be swayed by music and dancing, play this song for 1-2minutes and wait. If unconscious gyration or “dutty wining” ensues then they too can be subject to “getting swing” from the government during a political event. #StayWoke

 

And that’s how you pass a law in the Bahamas, kids.

We have to, as a community, take onus for our own sins and protect our women. There’s that word again, “onus”. Funny how just the other day I had no clue what that word meant or that it even existed. I lived my whole life thinking people that used it were dullards that didn’t know how to use words good. Now that I’m aware of it I listen out, seek out those that use it and hit them with that random fun fact.

The Bahamas is in the same position.

Marital rape may not be the monster the majority of us know but now that we DO know it exists we can’t be like “well gals dumb….they’ll say/make anything up”. No, once the truth lays itself before you you can’t look away. You acknowledge it….. you use it.

I’m reminded of a quote from Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood: “When someone finds the truth, they must lay their heart bare…. They are not free to choose. Not free to avoid that which they have found. They have no such luxury….and they never will again.”

This is providence……let us tear down these walls of ignorance and grow. We have to mature and evolve as a nation but we can’t do that if we ignore basic human rights: There is no reason we should even be having this long a discussion with too stagnant a belief system.

Let love for our women be our guide with this decision and if that’s not enough…..then let common sense win.

We’ll be damned if the chopper jams now.

 

Be safe tho.

 

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