I never wanted to write this.
It felt dirty just typing the title. It feels self serving. Two years ago I ran into my boy Alex and his wife and she put the idea in my head to write about her love for her large Bahamian man and other women like her. But still I procrastinated on writing this. See, I grew up in the 80’s and 90’s. Arguably the hardest era of any child suffering from childhood obesity issues to grow up in. There’s not even an argument to be had here. Every single person that meant anything socially was cut to the floor. So while “healthy” teens had idols like Tyrese, Usher, Ginuwine, Tank, Jaheim etc……us chubby guys had Biggie, Heavy D and Biz Markie. Biggie was the only reason any of us saw any light at the end of the tunnel for one good reason….he was dating LiL Kim.
Knowing that this 4ft11inch little Bronx chick let this morbidly obese man lay on top of her, willingly..…until completion I assume, was all the hope I needed. My boy Kenton and I damn near started a singing group in pursuit of our LiL Kim: They were simpler times. Y’all may laugh but bear in mind….
But the times have changed. Now being a big fella is slowly becoming quite attractive to the lady folks and they’re even letting us touch their lady junk….to completion, I assume. That being said, I think its time to convince the rest of you why you should date a large Bahamian man.
I see a lot of you wannabe chubby niggas reading this thinking I’m talking about you. No….if you’re not over 200lbs then this article is not for you. There’s a vegan plate and a diet water in the back for you to snack on while you wait.
I don’t wanna hear any of you skinny-fat niggas talking about “the struggle” and “Oh I hear ya brah!”. Y’all niggas just got fat. Oh you think your love handles are your ally?
You merely adopted your fat.
I was born in it.
Molded by it.
I didn’t learn about a proper diet until I was already a man and by then it was nothing to me but blinding foolishness.
The fried foods have betrayed you because they belong to me.
So please miss me with your no arms and slight belly that you think is “fat”.
I’m talking to my brothers.
The guys that woke up this morning, saw the leftover wings from last night and made a decision. The men that eat a pork chop dinner on a Tuesday at 11:30am while calculating when is an appropriate time to eat again without judgement. My comrades that have to keep their ductless on 17degrees lest they drown their lover in a pool of sweat during coitus.
I legit had a woman not have sex with me because BEC….well….. BEC’d and my apt was hot.
Now, I just gave you a lot of reasons to not fuck with us. We’re sweaty, in no way trying to not be our size, and our cardio probably isn’t where it needs to be.
If I’m being honest I always tell niggas: If a fight breaks out I’m good for about 2 minutes of real fighting. After that 2 minutes is up then its in Gods hands cause….
Here’s the thing though: You will never find true happiness until you date a big nigga.
Hear me out.
Whats the one thing women love to do behind closed doors where no one can see them?
(and be eaten….but I digress)
Women love food so much that it legit effects their moods. If you’ve never been cursed out by a hungry girlfriend or wife then do know she’s cheating on you with a nigga in her phone literally saved as “Free Food”.
That being said, know who loves food?
Now, that’s not to say that small/cut dudes don’t like food….they eat more than us. Dakarai, Nal and Young Randolph legit eat more in one sitting than I ever could. Difference is their choices. They make healthy decisions daily.
Check young Randolph no longer than yesterday.
Difference is you can be comfortable eating around us because A) We’re bigger than you and B) Chances are we both overweight so ask yourself a question:
Fam….every single girlfriend I have ever had has accused me of trying to make them fat or blame me for their weight gain.
Thing is they were 100% correct.
No I wasn’t trying to make them fat….fat niggas are just comfortable as fuck and we try to make you a part of that comfort.
Go to any fat nigga place on a Friday night and I promise you that he got that ductless on, sodas and juice in the fridge and before you both get off you’re gonna get the “Baby what we eating?” text.
Fuck with a next level fat nigga like me and I’ll hit you with the “Baby WHERE ALL you wanna eat tonight?”
And I’m a dirty nigga: We eatin in the bed with the Netflix queued up with drinks in the fridge and literal fat in my heart.
Then what happens after you eat?
Exactly…Niggaritis kicks in.
Now you wanna lay down but you also wanna be held by the nigga that took you on your flavor journey. Which then begs the question….Who you wit? You wanna cuddle up with Captain Sit-ups?
Or with the big bear…
And I know what you’re thinking. “Yeah I don’t have to be insecure about my own weight around you and I get to eat a lot but what about fitness?”
I gym 5 days a week and even throw in some cardio once every 6 months or so. Most large niggas gym to some extent. We just make increasingly shitty choices about our food is all. Trust it takes work to walk the line between not enjoying food and becoming morbidly obese BECAUSE of food.
Do not misunderstand me: With the right diet and my gym routine as is I could look like this…
But instead I look like this…
You gonna fight that guy? Ya, I thought not. Which brings me to another point.
I know Usher them are good to look at but who you really want by your side when you’re at the fry at 12am when 4 skinny niggas have an issue? One thing Ned Stark taught me was to NEVER meet the Dothraki in an open field: Defense in this case is better than offense and our defense is literally our appearance. So you wanna be out with Chris Brown or Michael Clark Duncan?
Any big guy will tell you: We rarely if ever get in fights because the majority of niggas either just don’t mess with us or just know that we may not be able to run after you or throw hands all day but that one good punch to the ribs is enough to calm your happy ass down for a few minutes.
Sidebar: Hi, already girlfriends of big guys! Um…do me a favor and stop saying things like “You see my boyfriend? He’ll fuck you up!” and “My boyfriend so big and strong une wan mess with him he’ll knock you out”. Beloved….STOP. Y’all are gonna get us shot. Know whats the plan B in Nassau for skinny niggas afraid to fight big niggas? SHOOTING THEM. If the initial aforementioned intimidation doesn’t work then please know y’all will be running, however slowly, together to the car. Stop talking shit and be respectful. Thanks for listening. #BeSafeTho
And no, because we’re fat doesn’t mean we’re sloppy. Big niggas out here boujee as fuck. I work with a big boujee nigga and he never not has on the finest linens with the Gucci loafs. (His name rhymes with Neil). Word to Rick Ross but big niggas be as clean as the small dudes half the time.
Big niggas out here in fitted shirts and skinny jeans.
Sidebar #2: Hi fellow Big niggas. More life to you and your loved ones but please lets stop acting like we can wear skinny jeans…
And no, this is not me saying big guys are better in any way shape or form than cut/slim dudes.
Not at all.
Bruh…if I was cut or built like The Rock do you think you would EVER see me with a shirt on? I’d be in church like…
So no shade to the under 200lb crew.
I’m not saying that y’all are less I’m just saying the game has changed. Chicks out here cheating on the Crossfit nigga while rubbing a chubby nigga belly on the low.
However, small niggas….this is not your time of the year because like Papa Ned Stark warned y’all years ago…
Winter is coming.
Nothing a Bahamian woman loves more during a coldfront than cuddling with a chubby nigga during the yuletide and, well….not having a cold front. It’s the one time within 10th Year Seniors that
the false god Ricardo Wells and I are the popular ones and please believe we milk that shit cause I’m a cuddly ass nigga I misewell tell you.
And while I’m at it, shout out to my chubby/thick chicks.
Y’all give the best hugs and I love watching y’all eat wings. Can’t invest time in a woman that doesn’t know how to clean a flap properly, beloved: that’s just law.
I’m hearing a lot of y’all chubby chicks saying shit like “What I ga do with a nigga the same size as me?” then get mad when you see chubby niggas out with some 4ft 11 chick on their arm. Naw….you had your chance at a quality food nap but you missed it being greedy.
Still love y’all tho.
No, there’s no witty outro. Go love a fat nigga, reap the benefits and stop being vain.
And stay tuned for next weeks article about how Bahamians are fat and if we don’t stop eating the way we do we ga die soon.
Be safe tho.