By Drew

 

Ah, marriage!

The thing we really suck at that we won’t allow gay folks to do lest their added sin send yet another hurricane our way because divorce isn’t as bad a sin as adult consent.

Pictured above: shrimp eating, sex out of wedlock having, non church going female praying the gays away because hurricanes

I’m at a weird place in my life where half my friends are married, a quarter are single parents and the rest are either divorced, single(ish) or about to get engaged. Marriage in the Bahamas is a difficult ocean to navigate considering all the stigmas that come along with the rumored activities that go on in marriage: No sex, people changing for the worse, fighting, emotional game playing, sweethearting…

For my foreign readers: Sweethearting is when a married man or woman secretly finds true love and happiness outside of a toxic relationship that should have ended years ago.

I’ve been told that getting married on this island makes absolutely no sense. I’ve also been told that it’s the best thing you can possibly do. Either way its about time we broke down and deconstructed what it means to be married in the Bahamas.

Lets be clear: Women go into marriage hoping men change and men go into marriage hoping women won’t. I’ve seen it happen a million times. When they were dating, couples early on had sex everywhere. In bathrooms, cars, on balconies….anywhere you were able to without some Bahamian Whatsapp group or Facebook site catching you in the act. The honeymoon/dating period is a glorious time. All her nagging was cute as you grinned at your phone…

“She never knows what she wants to eat…lol…God I love her!”

And him leaving his clothes everywhere was a call to arms.

“I have no problem doing this forever and ever….this will never get annoying!!”

Both parties had each other so confused and in a trance due to the orgasms, chicken wings and feigned patience that presumably the guy decided to spend a down payment on a house on a ring for a woman he kinda knows.

“Regardless of us never taking a shit around each other or living together, this just feels right! #IfY’allCantShitYouMustQuit #IfYaWanKnowMeComeLiveWithMe “

Lol…..all that shit that was so cute is now the bane of the relationship. In “Stranger Things” terms: Welcome to the upside down place where left is right, right is left and you hate your spouse with the fire of 1000 suns.

So, what was once endearing and sweet has turned into…

“If this idiot can’t decide what she wants to eat I’m going to murder her in the face I swear on everything I love!”

…and the wife is like…

“I’m clinically dead inside from constantly telling him to pick up his shit but I plan on denying him sex for the rest of ever so….”

Then there’s the  “Well she paid her dues” guys that believe that because a woman didn’t leave them the 13th time they cheated and tolerated years of fuckery that they now deserve to be JOINED TO THEM FOREVER.

“After 10years of waiting for this nigga to not cheat, pop the question and finally get a job, do you, Francince, take this man…..”

It’s the male equivalent of when women are on the clock and trying to get married before a particular time they made up in their head or simply because all the women around them were doing well/getting married so they needed something for the gram.

“I marginally tolerate you but, due to my age and lack of viable options that would put up with me as a person, I take you, Craig….”

My point is that these marriages were fucked even before their infancy….they were screwed from inception.  Funny thing about it is I don’t blame these couples: I blame the people that raised them.

Hear me out.

By a raise of hands, how many of you have a mother or father that presses you about being married, not having kids or both?

First off put your hands down, you look weird and now people near you are wondering if you’re special needs or reading this article and now they know who the person crying in the staff bathroom at lunch was.

“Une see she was reading one’a them long ass articles from that 10 years site and bust out crying? Thas her in there now!!!”

Secondly, y’all know our parents were wrong right?

There is no time limit on love.

Note the wording, kids.

THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT ON LOVE.

When it finds you it finds you. Notice I didn’t say there was no time limit to get married or have kids. It takes 0 effort to get married these days and it takes even less to not pull out. Pulling out is like an Olympic event to some niggas. They legit want praise for physically preventing you from 18 years of them not giving a shit.

“Did you see how I didn’t ruin your life and breasts forever? You’re welcome”

My thing is, why is it when we speak of marriage the love part is always missing. I hear couples speak endlessly about the effort and how its not easy and how many times they wanted to be out. Almost as if as the years go on its more a task than it is a pleasure. And yes, I know: There are married people reading this and shaking their heads like….

“This nigga think he know….he don’t know how hard it is not to paint this house red with each others blood”

Um ya, I do. That’s why I didn’t marry any chick that I was probably going to end up wanting to round house kick in the vagina.

That then leaves 2 questions: Why didn’t YOU wait longer and in the same vein, if you knew, why did you go ahead with it?

Y’all realize marriage forever right?

Niggas treat marriage like its a temporary set back like when Bamboo Shack has an off day.

“The fries are good and so is the bun but the chicken was lil dry….a rare miss for them”

With Bamboo Shack you’re gonna unhappily eat a bad meal with the only real life reprecussions being a pretty violent, albeit dry, shit afterwards. If that was the cost of a marriage gone bad we would ALL have been married about 5 times by now.

“Girl I shittin out Reggie. I knew he was too good to be true. Next time tho!”

Ask a lawyer, divorce is no fun and its expensive.  Plus, I’m a nigga where quality of life is everything. I always said that I would never get married to a chick I couldn’t see myself with forever.

Forever….that word has been lost to us.

How many married couples can you say honestly went into it thinking “this is it….this is my forever?”

I know niggas that were plotting on chicks at the goddamn reception of THEIR wedding. The same way I know chicks that had their sweetheart AT the wedding. Niggas texting while she on the honeymoon pretending.

“Hey babe, almost home. Can’t wait to see you when I have the chance maybe! #SweetheartLife”

Then, to top it all off, the ceremonies for the lie that’s taking place has gone to a point of absurdity.

15 bridesmaids/groomsmen?

15, beloved?

Are people legit over 30 in Nassau having more than 5 friends? Holy shit!

“Kenny, Kari, Nal, Kenton….my sisters allowed in? Cause….” – Me Planning a wedding”

But I digress.

The pomp and pageantry put on display is obscene. How many pre-divorcees I gotta see on Bahamar Boulevard taking pictures, fake loving each other for people on Facebook to judge them accordingly?

Not to get racial but this is why ya have to love white people.

Niggas have 22 of their “closest friends” in their wedding, go to Commonwealth Bank to cover the bill, take 8-10 hours just for the ceremony alone and then feed you cold tilapia and mashed potatoes with a cash bar and “Dj Tones” playing whatever is on his iPhone for an hour.

Meanwhile, in Caucasian-ville…

Dude spent $228 on rum and that white cloth and signed the same contract #Staywoke

Imagine what would happen if we forgot about the ceremony, ignored our parents, left toxic people before settling for them and actually didn’t do it for the gram….but did it for love. Is that even real?

I don’t think so.

 

Well, I didn’t at least….until this happened.

Ween even ask this nigga bout her tho….

Not sure if you folks are aware but we’re more than a sports and “shit Andrew spews on Fridays sometimes” website. We have a new member and his name is Alexis Burrows. Similar to the False God Ricardo Wells, Alexis is a nice guy. Unlike the false God Ricardo wells, Alexis is a good guy.

At least once a week Alexis speaks positively about his wife. None of us know her. Never met her. He has nothing to prove to any of us.

We barely know HIM, shit.

He doesn’t brag, he doesn’t gloat: He just states the facts and keeps it moving. He worships her. It just is what it is.

I ignored it at first. Its like when Nal and Kari speak about the Dolphins “winning” games: You just assume they know they’re going to fail in the end but you allow them to dream.

Dolphins fans: There is no human more loyal or with more stick ability than them….in spite of it all. #NeverLeave #LoyalToFuckery

And with all of my cynicism, disdain and logic…..he called his wife a gift in a group full of men that could not relate on any level.

I bring him up and I said all of that to say this: There is hope.

Understand me people, Alexis went to SAC and his wife went to Kingsway…..this is a modern day Romeo and Juliet I’m talking about here. There is no rivalry greater than the intelligence, athleticism and benevolence of a Kingsway student compared to the….I don’t know….having-a-poolness of a SAC student.

“I accept thine school as I accept you knowing you could have been worse and been a St Johns negroe! Praise Shakespearean Jesus! #StJohnsNiggasAinShitForRealTho “

Listen, take everything I’m saying with a grain of salt. I’ve not now nor have I ever been married.

But as a 35yr old man that is more or less the last of his friends to get married…..please believe I’ve heard the stories….from both sides. And while Trump is trying to make America Great Again and Minnis is trying to make The Bahamas  illegal alien free again (he thinks)….

When these Lucayan Indians come back for their shit I hope Dames and Minnis have a plan is all I’m saying

…we have to make marriages great.

No, there is no “again” at the end of that sentence. We were never great at it. Out grandparents and great grandparents were bigger whores and adulterers than we were…..tell the truth. They just didn’t have a “Gertrude is this your Spouse?”  social media page to like in the goddamn 1940’s is all.

They were just as bad…it just wasn’t documented.

“Ok so apparently we’re cousins because my grandfather had an outside child with your grandmother when she went to Abaco one summer”

So miss me with the fake aspirations to be like our grandparents and parents. They just sweethearted better than we do.

So, are Bahamian marriages doomed to fail?

No, but we have to aspire to be better. Aspire to love. Aspire to be at peace without being married and finding peace of mind in the peson you DO Marry.

Trust me, waiting for love isn’t a trope. The game is fucked up but if people like Alexis and his wife exist? Then theres hope.

That’s enough for me.

 

Be safe tho

 

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