By Drew

So it was ’02 in Nova Scotia and I’m in love with Kandice. I went to college in Canada just like the other 128,000 Bahamians in the early 2000’s that were trying to avoid paying high American college tuition. Oh Bahamians will say that they sent their kids to Canada because its safer but deep down we all know you did it for that sweet ass conversion.

“$1 American is $1.75 Candian? You better learn Oh Canada, beloved cause….”

While there I dated Canadians exclusively because when in Rome. My early 20’s naivete convinced me that this was the life…..that it would be asinine to date outside of my circle because I was exposed now; a man of the world. That soon faded as, much like many other Bahamians, I had to come home leaving everything I love behind.

I wish I knew how to quit you and your affordable prices

I imagine it’s the same for anyone who went to school/college abroad. You come home and have to adapt to life in Nassau and everything that brings. During this time I learned an important lesson: Dating a jungless is one of the most important things you can do for the culture…and here’s why.

Far too often we as a people judge each other.

What is so and so wearing?

Were they at the socialite event of the month?

Do they know (insert fake popular persons name here)?

Did they have on my grandmothers curtain to a recent event and call it fashion because niggas?

We all know who I mean so lets enjoy this dog catching a ball for a moment. Look at him…he thinks he’s people…lol

As a man, as a carnivore, I believe in the hunt…..I relish in the chase.

If its easy then I honestly don’t want it. There’s an exhilaration that comes from obtaining something you once thought wasn’t attainable or couldn’t be tamed. There is no greater hunt than that of the jungless. Understanding them alone is challenge enough. There’s an exhilaration that every man feels…..men that aren’t vegans that is.

Nal is vegan now which means Kaizen now has 2 moms. #ThePeoplesTime

The jungless is not an easy prey…that’s fact.

To even consider perusing one in itself is a task and to those that dare go where the wild things are I say good luck and godspeed. But when you capture one there are the obvious cons: General safety, excess talcum powder inhalation, over dressing at casual events, under-dressing at fancy events etc etc.

We’ve heard the stories and we’ve told the tales. But what if I told you that there were huge benefits to dating the jungless? What if I told you dating the jungless could very well be the best decision of your life?

First off you know nothing about New Providence until you’ve seen it through the eyes of the jungless. I know our island is small but trust me there are levels to this shit. Quick question: Who has the best chicken in the bag on this island?

LoL….look at y’all.

Half of you thought “Bamboo Shack….DUH!” and the other half MAY have said Keith’s, Royals or Dirty’s just because you think you’re “hood”.  Just a heads up, you’re not “keeping it real” if you go to any of the aforementioned places in the light of day.

Wanna impress me? Go there at 1 am in a Honda.

There was a Honda parked here a minute ago. “Was”

So….who has the best chicken in the bag? Oh I have no clue. It varies depending on which jungless in whichever region you ask but trust they know and trust you’re about to save a shitload of money on munchies.

“4 Breast snacks for $3 WITH a Bluebird juice?….But….But HOW?!”

Jungless know ALL the convenient/affordable food and liquor locations and wherever you are in Nassau the reply to your request is always “I know a place round the corner from here that have that….turn here then make a left”. Always a left….I don’t know why but there is always an immediate left turn.

But I digress.

Another benefit of dating the jungless is safety.

I remember one time I was dating this jungless and had some minuscule issue go down at work. I spoke to her about it just to vent and needless to say that shit went from 0 to Fox Hill Prison real quick.

“Fuck that hoe mean “Per my last email?” She mussy wan me play dot to dot in her crabby bey! This gal don’t know me… gun dogs don’t die! Dustpan lane to the world!!”

Which left me like….

“…the gun dogs are still active? wait, what?”

She got so heated I had to calm HER down over MY problem.

I’m a firm believer that if a woman has never once tried to stab, punch or mortally wound you then she doesn’t really love you. If thats true then there is no greater love than that of the jungless for her paramour.

And it’s the same with the guys.

Oh, men can be jungless too. Don’t mind these private school girls out here at happy hour this evening acting like they only have Bob and Chad and them in her phone. Trust me, they have a Leafo, Wado and LiL Yellowman in the chamber when they need that “just robbed the Convenience store kinda lovin.

“You smell like gun powder and an incomplete high school education….I love it!!”

Ladies need a thrill too, I get it.

I’m not the most exciting guy to date I imagine. After too long conversations about comics, anime and trying to convince you that the robot apocalypse is coming soon and we’re all going to die….I’m pretty boring in the end.

Not Yellow Man…..naw. He drove you from Carmichael to Yamacraw beach in 7 minutes whilst weaving in and out of 5 pm traffic in the middle lane  blasting a Jamaican soundclash out of speakers that cost more than his actual car.

Oh the places you will go!

Also, have you ever been to a ghetto block party?

Most

Fun

EVER.

And yes yes I know there are guns, drugs, and niggas with warrants present. But guess what: You’re with your jungless lover who is totes cool with everyone at the function.

Sidenote: For your general safety, if you’re gonna date the jungless, it would behoove you to date a powerful one. Someone the whole block respects. Date Big Tina little sister or brother not the neighborhood dime bag salesman who stole Big Tinas cd player out of her Altima over the summer. Trust me….You don’t want to anger Big Tina.

…You really don’t wanna anger big Tina #BeSafeTho

Shoot for the stars is all I’m saying.

The jungless function is miles above any other Bahamian function because its actually fun. Amazing reggae and hip hop, copious amounts of 2nd tier alcohol and way too much food. This is a plate at a typical non-jungless party.

…thats cute

 

This is the plate by Kenlicka dem.

….and this was after the souse and conch chowder run out. #staywoke

Then there’s the sexual component: Jungless are just better in bed because they’re way more open and free and…

LOL…just kidding.

That’s a lie that we REALLY need to address.

Jungless are not, repeat, ARE NOT better in bed than any other Bahamian female. In fact, one could argue these college/career women are better in bed than the jungless. For some reason niggas believe that jungless sex is superior. Its like niggas decided the leather seating in their Hondas or the chemicals in their lace fronts somehow seep down to their vaginas and make the elasticity that much better than anyone else’s.

“The more you mispronounce words the tighter it feels baby OMG!”

Let me get this straight: Sally went off to college and got sexually liberated by like 30 niggas in 4 years and is pretty much up for whatever because she’s well fucked traveled. And in your heart of hearts Gwendaylakeisha is somehow BETTER in bed because she more or less let the same archetype of nigga juice her since she was 16?

Beloved….these private school girls are the real freaks….not these jungless.

She had a threesome with a Nigerian and an active member of ISIS before she got her Bachelors in Business. #Experience

Now that’s not to say that there isn’t an element of excitement to jungless sex, there is.

Will her aunt that lives with her come in the room during the sex and, unfazed, ask where the remote for the “big tv” is?

Will his baby’s mother finally pick the lock to his apartment and “beat the dog shit out of you” as promised in her whatsapp messages?

Is that a roach or a crack in the wall?

Valid questions that add a certain spice to the relationship that was missing from the boring one you left behind.

“Gainful employment and understanding subject verb agreement is cute but I need a man that owns a unlicensed firearm and that’s just not you. “

And please know, its always wise to have a jungless on your team to know whats going on in Nassau. Oh y’all is read the headlines in the newspaper and assume that’s whats happening in Nassau?

LOL…silly rabbits.

Let me put it like this: Our newspapers/reporters give 85% of what they surmise happened. You gotta ask a jungless for that last 15% if you want the complete truth because trust me, they know.

“No baby, Shadow kill that nigga. He was by the park and put 2 in him but ain no one talkin it ya see.”

Y’all poke fun at the Whatsapp reporters and ghetto Facebook pages but lowkey stalk and share those shits like its gospel because deep down you KNOW you wouldn’t be privy to that info if not for your jungless friend or lover.

“Robbery through Nassau Village? Hold on let me dm LiL Prickle….He’ll have the tea”

But in dating the jungless beware: You are forever responsible for that which you have tamed.

Are there pros to dating one? Absolutely. I meant every word I said. But don’t get too comfortable. Sooner or later they will grow attached and start showing up places that you frequent. That’s how we lost Green Parrot the first time.

We turned off the reggae and started playing Shania Twain and we took it back. My God we took it back! #NeverForget

Keep your jungless life separate from your actual life….its just better for the culture.

In the end, love who you love.

Date who you want to date.

But to isolate an entire segment of the population because of social stigmas and…well, fear to a degree, is silly. I’m not saying to go out there and get some murderous thug or some sophisticated jungless who’s unaware that she doesn’t belong in normal society and should be caged for the nuisance that she is…

*cough*

Not at all, that’s just irresponsible.

What I am saying is that no one is better than anyone else. Its these experiences, this insight into someone else’s world, someone else’s life that makes us just a little bit better as a people. Classism and elitism are partially why Trump is president right now. Lets not make that mistake. Lets make October date a jungless month. If you’re single or up for some good old fashioned sweethearting then find yourself a jungless to date for the month of October.

Outside of driving through Parkgate Road on Halloween night it’s the 2nd scariest thing you can do this month.

Ok…maybe it’s the scariest…but you get my gist

And in the end, when the world is burning and the robots expose mans fragility and finally take their rightful throne on the altar of our still bleeding corpses….do you know who will probably survive and raise the flag of mans last stand against our inevitable doom?

Wado….his name will be Wado.

 

Stay(Ghetto Fabulously)Woke

 

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