By Drew

 

For some reason, in The Bahamas, we tend to forget that the beginning of June is Hurricane season. Oh there are posts and information out there informing us that storms are coming to end our days but in general the average Bahamian does not get concerned unless a storm is 3-5 days upon us at which point we watch ZNS like its our job and pray Basil Dean has on a new suit.

K.S. Moses suit with a false sense of confidence? Storm is a CAT 5, beloved. #Facts”

Before IRMA decided to bless us with her presence, Bahamians did what Bahamians do: We prepared for the worst and hunkered down for yet another hurricane. And by “prepared for the worst” I mean bought all the chicken and tuna we could with the little we had for the people we kinda like for a storm we weren’t sure would hit. In essence we were all Perry Christie during the general election.

“Free chicken and rum for everyone cause y’all ga vote for me right? RIGHT?!!”

We’ve been praising Minnis for evacuations, which is all well and good, but its time we address the unsung heroes of Hurricane Irma

 

KFC

It’s the people’s time.

I know Minnis wants to claim this as his mantra but never has an organization been as true to that as KFC did hours….nay….MINUTES before Irma was supposed to hit. Johnathon aka MaMa John sent me a text which said…

This text proves we are all niggas during a hurricane #EndOfRacism #ThePeoplesTime

Before I went to KFC I called to confirm they were open seeing as…you know…a fucking Cat 5 island rapist was coming to take our boungivity.

I asked what time they would be closing and do you know what they said to me?

“When things get bad I guess we’ll pack up…. so we’ll be open until then”.

SMT

You tryna tell me they abandoned family, friends and safety just so we could enjoy their chicken harvest? WITH a biscuit?

Y’all don’t hear me in this church this morning. Y’all better give God some praise in this bitch.

Wont he do it? I SAID, WONT HE DO IT!!!!?

I didn’t even know what to say. I said something between “thank you” and “Perhaps you’d like to have my kids because your words have given me a chubby”.

I’m not sure, it was a weird moment.

Do you understand the gravity of those words? People…it was a CAT 5. KFC was ready to be open until that bitch was blowing hard enough to warrant them closing and even then I don’t know if they would have because they are that committed to giving us all heart disease….delicious spicy heart disease.

Me, on my death bed, reaching out for the last 3 piece, spicy, breast and leg ever. #WorthIt #MegasizeThatForMeBeloved #DietPepsiThoBecauseCalories

I don’t know who owns KFC nor do I care. I don’t ask how the church spends its money in Gods name so I wont ask how KFC does what it does….but thank you. Thank you all.

 

Liquor Stores (that remained open)

I’m an east nigga.

If you live anywhere between Yamacraw beach and Joe Farrington road then you know there are 3 liquor stores: BottlesUp, Gordos and Seagrapes liquor store. Or as I like to call them, the Trinity.

“I would like to thank Segrapes the father, Gordos the son and Bottlesup the Holy Spirit…..amen”

These niggas refused to stop serving alcohol even until the 11th hour.

Their shelves were stocked almost as if they knew we would need them.  But I can’t put it all on them. Village road liquor store as well as the one in the plaza next to Crossfit Potcake….they abandoned their own families to make sure anyone in the eastern area that needed to drink away their daddy issues under the guise of a murdering wind storm would be sufficiently stocked up. These liquor stores did what they could to ensure we were all drunk enough to die peacefully due to gale force winds.

Me, ready for Irma after the 7th Stoli and diet coke

I don’t know what motivates you people or why you didn’t price gouge because Super Value was out here chargin niggas $42 for a tin of tuna but I still paid less than $40 for 2 bottles of Stoli as I regularly do on the weekend. You people are saints and if no one else says it I would just like to thank you for what you do for the culture.

 

Social media Meteorologists

Ya, I know….there were a bunch of idiots online claiming God was coming to strike us all dead because of the sins of our little island. Christians, understand, you can’t claim God spared us in Nassau because of prayer when the other islands got screwed.

So God only loves Nassau and y’all prayed the goddamned storm away only to hit the out islands is what you’re saying?

“Save Nassau from this storm, Lord!….Ragged Island, Inagua, Mayaguana and Acklins you can destroy because fuck them but all my stuff is in Nassau so…”

Please miss me with the God logic and BS reasons why we didn’t get hit.

We didn’t get hit because of wind and luck, people….cut it out.

That being said, I wouldn’t have known shit about ANY of this had it not been for people like Johnathon, The false god Ricardo Wells, Young Randolph and my boy Ramon. I don’t have cable at my place so I depend on the internet and rumors to fill me in on whats happening in Nassau.

“Hey Sannie, who won the election and why? I heard we have a new PM….thanks” – Me, talking to the devil  Sancheska

Every time I went to work Ramon had scientific updates with props, a power point presentation and a damn website to track it all. John just gave mortality updates because John.

I can’t make this up

Bahamian whatsapp and social media gets a bad rap but I feel like this was the most informed we have ever been based on FB posts, whatsapp messages and www.weatherchannel.com.

I’m not saying that any of that information was 100% accurate but I’ll be damned if I wasn’t kept up-to-date every hour on the hour by people that had a marginal idea of wtf they were talking about.

Thanks guys, it meant a lot.

 

Florida (for not being 100% destroyed)

I feel like this is a safe space…..I feel like I can be honest.

Can we all just admit that we were only concerned about Florida because niggas sent shit to the Tropix freight forwarder days before IRMA was due to come and then we had a freak out because maybe the handbags you ordered wouldn’t make it because of wind and shit?

“280mph winds and torrential rain….God I hope my Gucci handbags are ok”

Don’t get me wrong: Bahamians have close ties to Florida and we have family, friends and loved ones residing there that we were concerned about and with good reason.  I’m sure they were your top priority as they should be. My assistant had a daughter in school and I put up prayers for her all week last week. Thank God she stayed safe during the hurricane as I’m hoping all of your relatives and loved ones were as well.

But, as for the rest of you, once y’all saw Sawgrass , Aventura and Florida malls were safe y’all went right along your business prepping for those Thanksgiving sales.

Don’t look at me like that, you know its true.

I saw y’all on Facebook fake caring for Florida with no one related to you even near Florida. I saw the statuses.

“Praying for the sales and shit I ordered because Nassau expensive and ain no one have time to be in Marathon Mall pretending Florida”

If you had friends and family on that end my prayers and thoughts are with them and I hope they’re safe but if not then stop it, La’Keisha. Walmart is standing and will be waiting for you to embarrass us all in the Clearance section.

Speaking of which…..

 

The Johnsons

Initially when I read this story I wen’t through the 5 stages of grief.

Denial

“I know these niggas did NOT go on the news talkin shit”

 

Anger

“These niggas really out here on some refugee shit like Nassau don’t have a Sbarros”

Bargaining

“Maybe they legit needed a second chance at life and lying on TV and conning white people was their only way out”

 

Depression

I been workin for years and these niggas got $7,000 in 24hrs. #DoingLifeWrong

 

Acceptance

Sigh…..niggas, I guess

Despite the arguments online and people debating the morality of their decision, I came to a particular silver lining: Good….stay in Canada.

Why? That’s less niggas signing up for Pineapple express, 2 less drivers on the road, 2 less people not paying their asue, 2 less con artists, and 1 less child growing up to follow in their siblings footsteps.

Remember when Leslie Miller offered to put all the gays on an island? Its like that only less homophobic and with way more land.

If we ship half of the liars, con men, and adulterers to Canada we can leave the rest in the FNM, PLP and Christian Council…..until further notice. #FindTheLieTho

Listen, I’m all for moving away and bettering yourself and your family. But my God if someone puts a camera in your face could you have a shape up…please?

..PLEASE?!?!?

To them I say Godspeed and good riddance.

 

 

Edward Lockhart

Listen to me…..LISTEN TO ME….if this man starts ANY religion I’m joining it.

Y’all ain hearin me.

If this man says “We’re worshiping flying roaches as a form of praise to the Conch Salad gods” I am going to be front and center praising whatever he tells me to.

The Trap Lord that was promised #PraiseHim

I always claim to not give a fuck about people, places, and things….. but never have I seen the embodiment of my aspirations. This man, who lived on a goddamn cay OUTSIDE of Ragged Island, took a length of “strong island rope”, which I can only assume is made out of coconut tree leaves, gabardine and cemented with the blood and tears of his enemies, strapped himself to a tree with a bottle of water and weathered a CAT 5 hurricane.

It rained for 8 minutes on Wednesday and Nassau people were shook and this nigga took a half gallon of Aquapure and some rope and survived a storm (ATTACHED TO A TREE…OUTSIDE) and you’re trying to tell me he SHOULDN’T be prime minister?

“He may have weathered a hurricane outside but I rode a #16 bus for like 10 minutes in a suit so….”

Guys, I’m not even gonna ruin the story.

Man 78 Survived Irma Alone On Cay – Nassau Guardian

Read the article above, let it sink in….then tell me who you think should lead this country when the eventual robot apocalypse happens.

I’ll wait.

We are a small nation. We don’t have much outside of tourism, banking and new and exciting ways to fry things. We’re by no means perfect. If its one thing I am proud of its our resiliency. We may bicker among ourselves over petty things like classicism, politics, religion and who makes the best stew conch…

Bamboo Shack Soldier Road…..the answer is Bamboo Shack Soldier Road #StayWOke

…but if there is anything I am proud of its our ability to survive. We do it far too often by the skin of our teeth but we do it. You come for one of us then you come for all.

We will launch a CYC campaign on that ass faster than BPL will turn off your light in the summer. We don’t have an inflated financial plan to recover (to our detriment I fear one day), we don’t have a plan B in the event shit goes all the way left (to our detriment I fear on day)…….. all we can do is face whatever storm Poseidon sends our way, eat tuna and chicken and deal with it when its done.  But that’s who we are….tough as nails and ready to walk through hell and call it a good time.

I love my people. I’m happy we’re safe, I’m happy we survived, and I’m happy to call myself Bahamian.

 

Honorable Mention

BPL (for not being dicks about it)….You could have cut the power off but you didn’t…..until Monday out east for no reason. But I see you…much appreciated.

Johnathon aka MaMa John aka John Marc Nutt – Thanks for the souse and good ass generator

Basil Dean – You called it all along but niggas didn’t wanna listen. The first time you were right ever in your career…I see you, beloved. Thanks

Olives West – You opened for lunch the next day with no hesitation. I wasn’t there but in the event I wanted to be it was good to have the option. Thanks

 

Oh also if you have any ridiculous questions you need me to address email me at Andrew@10YS.com. Names will be redacted and alias used beloved. This is a Safe Space.

 

Stay(weatherly)Woke

 

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