By Drew

 

There was a time on this island when men were men. There were rules and levels to this game we call being a man. And really….it is a game. We pretend we have everything in control. We go to the gym to build muscles that we’ll never use for anything besides lifting 5 Gallon water jugs with ease. And we act like we’re the bravest people on the planet and lie to the women we love and tell them we were totes not afraid when the jonser with the spitty mouth came near our driver side window.

I will fight a grown lion before I let a jonser accidentally spit mouth foam on me

But it’s all a facade. We cry, have doubts, fears and are more vulnerable than we let on. But damn it BOTH of us can’t be over emotional in the relationship…the same way both of us shouldn’t be wearing blouses

…or doing this dance…in a blouse

Lately, I’m seeing a LOT of party fouls and guys breaking a lot of rules and its time we lay out the 10 Commandments for the (Real) Bahamian Man.

 

1.Thou shalt not lie on the V

Its 2017, niggas: Why are y’all still lyin on the V? (V is for Vagina by the way….ya know….for the laymen.)

Guys…this is ALWAYS the first law.

You never ever ever ever ever EVER lie and say you did ANYTHING physical with a female knowing that chick shot you down from jump. Niggas are out here swearing to Gods that don’t even exist that they had sex with females that never even saw much less touched their dicks.

“By the power of gray-skull, the old gods and the new, the conch God and the weave mother….I juice that gal last year, King!!”

And the funny shit about it is half the time they’re not even doing it for the ego boost….its because they just don’t want YOU to have sex with her.

Listen, I get it: You’re a bitch nigga. Nothing wrong with that.

Every Mufasa needs a Scar, every Khaleesi needs a Cersei(watch your mouth fam – Kari), every Brent Symonette needs a Hubert Minnis….its called Balance. But even Scar knew what and who he was. Even HE didn’t lie on the V.

Can you imagine?

“So…you know you’s my son and me and your mum was juicing lil while right?? Hakuna Matata that shit, lil nigga!!”

If you didn’t hit it then don’t lie and say you did because gals WILL expose you….possibly on Facebook, probably to your face, and inevitably crush your soul.

 

2. Thou Shalt not tell

I’m seeing a lot of you chatty Cathy niggas out here tellin: Cut that shit out.

You know what I mean….in dudes girlfriends DM’s sending screenshots and pictures of what their boyfriend is doing in an effort to have sex with her.

That’s where the game is now?

Then these are the same niggas mad at gay dudes when they act more feminine than most gals I know. Don’t believe me? Go to the barber today and watch these gossiping ass niggas talk all your business.

“No no no no no…..Sheila was having sex with Ralph but Ralph is dating Melissa….and boo….I have receipts!!!!!! #ButUneGayTho #StayWoke”

I’m so cold with it that I could be having sex with your girl and see YOU out cheating and I won’t say shit.

Shhhiiiiiiiit…..Keep that good man, beloved. If you leave him Imma leave you.

“You were wrong in that argument with your boyfriend. You need to communicate better. Let’s get another round in then you guys go sort that out”

It’s bad enough her bitter single friend is in her DM’s hating every 10 minutes I now have to worry about niggas who have to play dirty to not get laid in the end?

SMT….stop telling and get V the good old fashioned way: Money, liquor and dream selling. #Focus

 

3. Though shalt not take selfies (every day)

I don’t care about how many apps you have…love yourself. In fact, I encourage niggas to be as informed as they can be concerning technology. I depend on 10YS’s extensive social media presence to keep me abreast of how and when the robot apocalypse will happen.

“….Y’all know we ga die soon because robots right? Oh…ok

But dude….nay….NIGGA….every day a selfie?

Understand….It’s ok to have the odd candid shot that we all know you set up. Shit, We here at 10th year seniors applaud creativity in picture taking.

Y’all really think me and John didn’t plan this? Lol..muddo!

But I don’t need to see you in your car fixing your eyebrows and fluffing up your shirt for yet ANOTHER selfie.

Understand that I’m not mad at a nigga feeling himself and taking a selfie. I have taken selfies. Granted, I stopped shortly after I realized that after the 35th flash of my phone that looked like shit that I just need to accept that I ogly.

I know my truth.

But no man should be so self-involved that he takes a selfie every goddamn day. And niggas so disrespectful that they using poetic captions and shit.

“God said in his word that we should be a light to the world. I am that light and I am so grateful for another day to shine on all of you. Good morning Facebook!!!!”

Nigga….

Either take the selfie sans the caption or write a Facebook status and keep it pushin but not both. And if you do that or have in the past please understand that your spouse doesn’t love you and is fucking the guy that….you know….doesn’t do that.

I want better for you, beloved.

 

4.Thou shalt not play woke to get gals

Ladies; Know that super extra guy under ALL of your statuses pretending like he gives a fuck about your dumb article condemning whatever recent movie you decided you were fake mad at?

“Just saw Girl Trip. So women have to downgrade themselves and be classless just for laughs? I’m super single and kinda dead inside but hating things and spoiling fun is a hobby so here I am upset about where we are as women. “  #Gals

That guy wants to have sex with you but commenting on your recreationally angry statuses is the only way he can get your attention. And hey…to each his own.

Ape don’t kill ape.

But when you have to insult and attack niggas to get your dumb fake woke point across that’s when we have a problem. I’m more feminist than most these females in Nassau and even I can recognize bullshit when I see it.

“Oh No, Clarisa, I totally agree. All men are dogs and none of these guys take care of their kids. VERY few good men…except for maybe me! Lol” – Bitch nigga

Bro….stop.

You make us look bad as a whole because then some regular nigga is going to write something that isn’t dumb under her status but because you want to get laid you strengthen her bullshit and then it spreads like cancer. Be like the rest of us: Casually like all her pictures, sneak a quick “lol…funny post” in them DM’s and keep it pushing, playboy.

We’re not animals after all.

 

5. Thou Shalt Not lotion These Gals

Guys….why do I still have to even use this term in 2017?

Y’all ain shame? Sigh we just extra as a people. Y’all still out here convincing 7 ass gals that they 10’s which then fucks up the game for real niggas because now this 7 thinks she’s a 10 and givin me attitude when she was completely normal and humble as a 7.

Listen, every female should be treated with respect, love, admiration and be praised accordingly.

But bruh….why are you bending over backward for these gals that was JUST eating ramen on her bed with no boxspring? Aight that’s a dumb indictment but yall get the god damn point. Putting someone on a pedestal will never work for you beloved.

Got her out here eating Graycliff when a thigh snack would have sufficed

You’re hurting the culture, beloved.

You

Are

Hurting

The

Culture

Be-

Love-

Ed

Y’ALL are the reason these Dominican women raised the prices of the V….niggas saw lightskin and good hair and caused a whole nation of gals to raise their prices. And ladies don’t give me that look and bullshit about “every woman deserves to be treated special always”.

Oh really?

So you tell me if you’re taking this nigga out to Swimming Pigs on date night.

 

I’ll wait.

 

6. Thou Shalt not go Vegan

You heard me.

(Looking at you, Naldo)

 

7. Thou shalt not hate ( Ape don’t kill Ape)

When did dudes start being visually jealous of one another? Sure, jealousy in man has been around from Adam and Eve, no one’s denying that.

“You like this snake cause his tings longer aye? SMT #Gals”

But niggas are really out here mean mugging dudes who have more or doing better than them.

These are the guys quick to cut another man down in front of a female…off air mind you. They’ll tell this chick the foulest shit just so they think less of him.

“…I heard he has a pretty aggressive strain of herpes so…just saying”

We don’t know another mans struggles despite his look. Last time I checked the richest men on this island drive goddamn Toyota Camry’s meanwhile you’re mad at the dude who worked hard for a right hand drive Japanese BMW?

“Males shouldn’t be jealous, that’s a female trait”, Jay Z

 

8. Thou shalt not catch feelings  

Boy oh Boy….a lot of y’all out here catching some serious feelings over some dumb shit then wonder why these gals leave you with no warning.

“No, it’s not you I’m just saying I might as well date women if this is what/who you are cause goddamn!”

Niggas out here using words like “Disappointed”.

Bruh

No man should EVER tell another man they’re disappointed in them unless you’re speaking to your son (thanks, Dad) or you’re speaking to Shane Gibson.

How much of my 17 years of contributions went towards that shirt, sir? (No seriously that’s a nice shirt tho)

Please get out of your feelings, guys.

Stop throwing temper tantrums and whining and crying all the goddamn always. Bury that shit deep inside, let it corrode your soul killing you before your time….you know…be a man.

(Ok don’t do that. It’s ok to cry and be sad and be vulnerable just not ALLLLL the time is what I’m sayin)

Be in control, make decisions, do man shit and handle your feelings like the rest of us: Hard liquor, fried foods, and unhealthy purely sexual relationships built on sand.

Harambe didn’t die for y’all to be this emotional, real talk.

 

9. Thou Shalt be a good husband/father/sweetheart

I’m old fashioned in the sense that I still think men SHOULD open doors, pull out chairs, and cum last.

I’m working on that last point.

“If your V wasn’t so wet and vaginaish I wouldn’t have cum in 48 seconds but here we are once again….this is your fault!” – me

Protect and provide for your family. Don’t mind these women talking equal rights.

Every woman wants equality until there’s a huge spider in the room.

Where’s your feminism now? #BetterCallTyrone

Take care of your kids…like for real…..do work. Kids don’t want your money, they want your time. If you’re a sweetheart? Respect her space…she has a family and a husband….respect that and do you. I’m just saying if you’re gonna get her pregnant, put a ring on her or be her side thing then play your position.

Listen to 4:44….its kind of a manual for this shit.

 

10. Thou shalt always carry ALL the groceries on the first trip regardless of who’s watching.

If I have to explain this then you’ve missed the point and I need you to leave.

 

Stay Woke Alpha

 

 

 

 

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