By Drew

 

Dear Diana Xena Sade Khalessi Bain,

How are you babygirl?

If you’re reading this then that means your mother and I didn’t completely mess up your life seeing as you can read and what not. You’re doing better than some of these Bahamians already, I’d say.

“This Fridays with Andrew dude write 2000 words and only 38 pictures? Type novel he tryna write EVERY Friday? #Bored #MorePicturesPlease #iVotedNo”

I wanted to write this letter to you to let you know what to expect in this cruel world and to explain a few hard truths to you in the event my diet of bacon cheese burgers and scotch inevitably claims my life and you end up fatherless.

“Did you smell the smoke when they cremated him? Smelt like a Glass Kitchen burger…..its what he would have wanted”

So here is what I need you to know.

Let me firstly apologize for your childhood obesity. Ya….you come from a healthy bunch.

Couldn’t be avoided, beloved.

Those earlier years are gonna be confusing and rough because I was skinny for a long time and then I hit grade 7 and everything went horribly wrong in my life. I went from a highly active boy with no fear and the metabolism of a antelope on cocaine to a chubby, tired and lazy young man that ate only nearly as much as I masturbated.

Behind this bathroom door was a very fat young man with a very strong right arm with a very healthy love for Jergens Coco Butter lotion…By Mennen

My mother didn’t encourage sports because she was into dumb shit like “reading” and “higher learning”….you know….the stuff that kept me a virgin for far too long.

We’re not raising you like that.

Oh rest assured you’re gonna study your chubby little fingers off but we’re gonna keep your ass active as best we can with whatever you choose.

That’s right, love: The choice is yours.

Now I’ll be honest, I prefer you to practice Shaolin Kung Fu or the Wu Tang Sword style but if you wanna  be a princess be a princess. If you wanna box then I’ll buy you gloves and we’ll throw hands. And if you wanna be a creative then I’m for that too. (You WILL be a creative with a job though. Une ga be makin no bead necklace talkin bout you “waiting for your breakthrough”. Not in my house!) I don’t care what you choose because I will always love you more than everyon-

Ok…this little girl is batman. Ok, I love her more but I really like you though which is just as important

But I understand you won’t remain my little girl forever. I can accept that. But there’s a few things I need you to understand as you hit those teen years.

Be aware that above all things…you’re Bahamian.

That means you’re surrounded by sun, sand, sea, highly seasoned food, low liquor prices and niggas who hate gals. Understand that the majority of men in power let alone around you can’t stand you because of the way we’re raising you. You’re too beautiful, too smart and too strong for the majority of these dudes and that’s going to follow you for a bit. They won’t understand why you’re listening to Wu Tang and not LiL Not-Gay. They won’t understand your Batman Trilogy references and why you know the first verse to Wu Tangs “Triumph” word for word.

Hell…..they’re already mad that you’re 15 and can drive a stick shift and beat all of them at Madden.

Remember when daddy wrecked your life in monopoly regardless of your lack of life experience or skill at the game? That made you better, babes.

“You wasn’t crying when you thought them Blues was gonna save you, my nigga so don’t cry over this high ass Pacific Avenue hotel rent. I ga need that lil ting!!!”

Now, I may be raising you tough but never EVER put your hands on a man…….first.

If you get into a heated argument with a man be respectful, yell, scream, cry…..be as emotional and “crazy” as you want. But in the name of Pacifist baby Jesus please don’t touch that nigga.

You do not have the right.

Be respectful, listen, hear what he has to say…..and always have a plan to take that niggas knees out and bully foot him to dust if he ever puts his hands on you.

Look at Daddy’s precious girl #ProudFather #TechniqueCouldHaveBeenCleanerButHeSleepSo….

And no….you are not better than any man.

Absolutely you are my favorite person on this earth and I will treat you accordingly, but you must never use whats between your legs before you use whats between your ears to get ahead. Your vagina doesn’t make you better….your mind does. Your ability to reason while being emotionally complex allows you to see the world in a way I will never see it. While you were gaining emotional intelligence and becoming more mature by the day I spend about 85% of my time like…

He has a point, though

Do not confuse me: There will always be someone smarter, more athletic and more capable within different arenas of life may they be a man or a woman.

That’s just facts.

I just want you to be all you can be in a world that hates you.

And I know hate is a strong word but if I use it its because I need you to understand the gravity of the circumstances you’ve been born in and why I need you to be strong.

See, in my time on this island, women….WOMEN voted no to gender equality. They decided that they should not have the same rights as men on the island. In America they are still fighting over what you can and can not do with your body. And in entertainment, it took Hollywood 50 years before they made their first Female Superhero movie: Wonder Woman. A film I begged for for years and a film I need you to watch immediately.

If you’re gonna open your legs do it in an effort to kick niggas in the face in is all I’m saying.

Parliament ministers openly talk about beating up ex-girlfriends, there is literally one woman in the senate and an orange, talking, youtube comment section is president of America as opposed to a more qualified woman that could run circles around him if they gave her the chance.

…y’all still thinkin bout Hilary aye? Lol…. #StayWoke #Muva

All I’m saying is you will go through a crucible that I never had to just to have some semblance of normalcy that I will never understand.

I don’t know what it is to fear being catcalled in Bamboo Shack in the afternoon and send your brother to go instead like your aunts do. I have never known what it feels like to have my heart race walking to my car clutching my purse for fear of being robbed or worse….raped.

My biggest dilemma at 1 am walking to my car is whether or not I should eat all this imperial IN the car or drive all the way home and eat it.

There’s something about eating over fried hot chicken with your car AC running after a good grind  prayer meeting that somehow makes the food taste better.

I can not prepare you for that because I’ve never experienced it. But I can inform you, protect you when I can…..and buy you a knife from my boy Roberto and teach you to stab and twist when the time comes.

…are we sure it’s a no to the kung fu lessons though? I’m just sayin

…and yes I know you may be walking from imperial….with a guy…that you had sex with….with your vagina.

Sigh

I thought you were my karma.

My boy Joe and I decided a long time ago that our daughters would be filthy horrible things because of our sins with women. I know you think highly of me but understand  I have not been a good person for a very long time.

I’ve lied, cheated, manipulated, hurt, cursed and the list goes on….at the best of times I’m a piece of shit.

I will never slut shame you nor will I ever judge you for being a sexual being. Not because I think its my karma. No….I won’t judge you because its who I was for a very long time. Fathers blame “slutty” daughters on their past sins and never venture to think that they were doing the exact same thing at their age…..they just didn’t do it with a vagina.

That’s not karma, beloved…..thats genetics.

Pictured above: My 3 daughters….stuntin like their daddy.

I just want you to be the chick in the Drake song that got away and made something of herself and not the one that stayed too long.

Otherwise? stunt on these niggas every chance you get.

Shit, as a female You can at least get a free meal and some drinks out of the situation. All I ever got from being bad was 1.5 minutes of sexual pleasure and…..well, you.

“I never said you were a mistake I just said Swimming Pigs was lit and my pull out game wasn’t as strong that night is all. #5SecondsTooLate #ButGod #SchoolFeesSoExpensiveTho”

I’ll tell you what my oldest sister told me: Be safe, always use protection, and never have sex with somebody you can’t see yourself having a kid with.

It’s enough ogly people on this island, babygirl. I will not have you tarnish the Bain name with (more) ogliness. I wont stand for it.

That said, I’ve compiled a list of boys last names you are NOT allowed to date and or sleep with. I’m going to have to put my foot down on this and more or less forbid these unions.

You are not allowed to date and or have relations with anyone with the last name…

Dorsett(e)

Bonamy

Brooks

Knowles

Strachan

Smith

Lightbourne

Brown (Male but ESPECIALLY not female)

Adderley

Basden

Bastian

Sawyer

Davis

Pyfrom

Major

Boyo

Nutt (No pun intended)

Oluyole

Bain

Fox

I think that covers it.

Last names of guys you can date, you ask?

Wells

Angelo

Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

The end

Since you were conceived I’ve thought long and hard on what it means to be a father. My hopes and my fears bringing a child into this world the way it is.

Wanna know how ass backwards life is?

Your grandmother was a nurse for 45 years and broke color barriers after being the only black FEMALE to be accepted into her program in London. Your Great Grandmother helped run the Cat and Fiddle and had dinner with Nina Simone. Your other great grandmother was an active member of the womens suffrage movement. Your aunts are about to open a Day care out of pocket and me?

I got nominated for a Bahamian Icon award for writing dick jokes and why gals single.

Y’all read 2000 words from an unmarried, single, childless piece of shit and then nominated him for an award. Hope you’re proud of yourselves

Then my sisters saw wonder woman.

They told me how they felt empowered. How they left the theater wanting to form an alliance with other women and fight crime in the name of justice. They felt unified and unstoppable.

Then that made me think.

I was always empowered. Every action adventure movie was for me. My job was to save a female. My reward at the end of the journey would be to BE with a female. She was secondary to any adventure I would hope to be on. A plot device in my quest for greatness. Then I thought of you, my daughter, and decided I would give you that power. I would give you the chance to have that story.

I would remind you every day that you are the lion I raised from a cub. That this is not a mans world, its yours. That there is no man on this earth that will ever “complete” you or be your “better half”. You are whole and amazing as is.

Feel free to be the villain or the hero because I will not raise a player B ass gal. I will not raise a plot device and I will not raise a weak chick.

I raised a beast that can beat her face, put on a pair of high heels, take a shot of scotch with her old man just as quickly as she can have tea with the queen and she, not now nor will ever be fucked with as they will fear your intelligence just as much as they will fear your clenched fist.

Listen to Wu Tang, Sade, and Damien Rice…..its the only music you will ever need.

Watch Christopher Nolans Batman Trilogy, Closer, and Boomerang….its all that you will ever need to see.

Read Great Expectations, The Alchemist and The Prophet…..Its everything you need to know.

And if you go to the Gucci store….ask them to show you the loafs….

From the only man who will ever love you completely,

Dad.

 

P.S. You’re taking Kung Fu lessons after the gym in the evenings. Don’t tell mom.

 

Stay(fatherishly)Woke

 

 

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