By Drew

 

…so this won’t go well.

I remember the first time I realized my mother was wrong about something. When you’re a kid you’re more or less brainwashed into thinking your parents are perfect.

But I remember it clear as day.

I asked her at what point did dinosaurs exist if Adam and Eve were real. Her response was what any God fearing Bahamian mothers response would be to her too curious son…

“Oh you think use man now that you read couple books? Go get the belt” #PrehistoricCutAss #SheenAnswerTho

 

There’s a trust like no other in your early years because you would have literally died had it not been for this man and woman that seem to be around always. That exact moment happened years later when I realized that women had so many misconceptions when it came to men and relationships. Its within that vein I’d like to address the miseducation of the Bahamian female.

Quick question: When did men start not having sex with women due to their stretchmarks?

Did I miss something?

Kendrick Lamar spit half a bar about loving stretchmarks and I know about 30 Bahamian chicks that captioned their pics with those words meanwhile Bahamian men were like…

“So you been eating for free off MY money so you can get stretch marks on that ass but Kendrick is a hero? Really, nigga?”

If there is one place in the world where I can say being overweight/average size is celebrated it’s the Bahamas.

Tourists flock here by the boat loads because they know within their hearts some Bahamian male will love them for whatever size they are for the next 5-7 days.

Trump has bigger fish to fry if he thinks only Mexicans are going to be an issue. Wado them deep in the states. #BeSafeTho

Never in the history of niggadom have I ever heard of a mans reaction to stretchmarks be “better zip my pants because you’re 5lbs heavier than I imagined”. And if a man did then please understand he’s gay and not a single blessing was missed that night.

The average Bahamian male is quite happy with you however he met you so please stop with the diet fads and the fake working out on Instagram that you know you wont commit to.

“Just finished my 10 mile run. Now about to have a water and salad. #FitLife #FoodIsFuel #EveryDayFitGirl #SoSushiAinHealthyThen?”

Now, I’m not advocating ballooning up to 800lbs because a nigga think you have a great personality.

No…that’s entrapment.

What I AM saying is, if he met you a certain way and wants to be with you then what exactly is the issue? And if he doesn’t want to commit? Then maybe that’s an issue with you.

There’s a growing trend on this island of single females that think that Bahamian men are “non committal” and its simply just not true. I was at a dinner the other night with 3 female friends (all of whom were single) and they were going in on me being 35, unwed and childless.

Am I the only one confused by this thing Bahamian women do?

If a man is single after 30 its because “he ain shit” or gay, but if a woman is single beyond 30 its because “there are no good men in Nassau”.

When did this become a thing?

You’re trying to tell me that if Bahamian Amber Rose walked into my room right now and was everything I wanted her to be, because “I ain shit” I’m going to run away from happiness because for some reason I hate “cuddling” and staying in on a Saturday morning then getting Glass Kitchen breakfast after?

No one eats delicious banana pancakes and a 8 cheese omelette at 11:15am on a Saturday and not just had sex. That’s just scientific fact.

Do women get the arrogance behind the sentiment that because a man won’t commit to YOU that he’s “non committal”?

No, babygirl. He just didn’t want YOU specifically. Please believe if he wanted to wife you up he would have. You just didn’t fit the bill.

That’s like me going on a job interview, assuming I nailed it, they send me home jobless and me freaking out like…

“So just because I don’t fit your criteria I don’t get the job? This business is non committal!!”

If you’re applying for a job and get declined then you keep looking for another job or send your resume (number) out until someone calls. You don’t blame the company for not wanting you….you just didn’t meet their requirements for gainful employment.

Now if you want a Bahamar nigga then by all means help yourself. They’ll fuck  hire anyone at this juncture.

Slut

But you can’t attempt an offshore bank position with cashier credentials. Sure he’ll keep calling you in for “interviews” but you’ll never get hired.

And, by the way, that works both ways. So before y’all get on my case with, “Why do I have to ask HIM for a position?!?! I’m an African queen and he should be applying for MY attention because I have a vagina and I bathe and work and pay my bills on time….BY MYSELF!!!”

Um….we all do, love.

That’s what being an adult is. We’re all adults so nothing you do at this juncture is necessarily special. I don’t care how many degrees you have or how good the construction workers downtown told you you look. A man will just as quickly hit on you as he would the girl making fries at McDonalds.

We really don’t care.

Sharon has 0 degrees, barely finished high school and has 0 issue doing that thing you think you’re too good for. Sharon can, and will, get the D.#StayWoke

You are not safe and having a vagina does not make you special.

Why do women feel that their vagina is some sacred temple christened by white Jesus himself? And what makes it worse, its normally the chick that used to get around but just found Jesus like a month ago so now she’s brand new (and she assumes her vag is as well).

“Newly born baby Jesus said he would wash your SINS away….not the 58 niggas before me, They still alive and kicking and 10 of them on my Facebook #Don’tGetBrandNew #OhNoBabyWhatIsYouDoing?”

Am I saying that you should sleep with every guy you come into contact with? No, that’s irresponsible. But do not believe for one second that your vagina is so special that it can’t or wont be stepped over for another one.

No one is safe.

I know a lot of females IN relationships right now that think they can keep doing the same old thing they’ve been doing and that nigga has to stay because she’s “worth it”.

lol…no.

“MEEEEEEEE? I tell you if you go out every weekend with your girls then go missing that I won’t cheat? lol….K”

Then theres the crew that respond to that with “Well when the right man comes then he’ll get all of this perfect vagina-ness!!”

Lol…Wrong again.

In keeping with the job analogy, if I apply for a job and haven’t done that job in 3-5 years and someone else just came off a similar job I was applying for who do you think they are going to hire?

“Ok, your resume looks awesome but you haven’t done backshots since ’07 and we have someone that got it in 5months ago. We’re gonna have to go with the freak for now but we’ll be in touch”

And no, the girl that got it in recently is not a slut. Neither is the girl that had a one night stand the other night. One night stands among women get a bad rap and I’ve never understood why.

Ladies, y’all realize men don’t care about that shit right? Not a mature man that is. I was with a girl for 5 years that I had sex with the night I met her and with another female for 4 months that made me wait 3 months before anything sexual happened (she thinks).

Its not the “too soon” physical act of sex that kept that nigga from not talking to you again….its you as a person.

Women demonize other women for being sexually free and then when that chick ends up married before them their first words are, “well she was grinding everything in sight!!”.

Um….so?

Men do it all the time so why does she catch heat? This why y’all Vote no aye?

I know amazing women that have numbers equal to mine that are now married or in great relationships. Meanwhile Jenny-no-sex has been bitching about the man shortage in Nassau since ’01.

“Bahamian men don’t want a woman with morals they want these girls that have fun, have freaky sex, drink liquor, smoke weed and don’t harass them 24/7! Well I’ll stay single then!!”

You’re 100% accurate on all counts, Toni Braxtons sister I think.

Listen, I’m not saying I’m ready to date a goddamn porn star. I’m not THAT secure. But I’m 35….I don’t expect to meet some female that’s been with 3 guys and if you tell me that then I’ll just assume you’re lying.

Sidebar: The math for that is simply whatever number she gives you….multiply by 5. If she’s over 30 and said her number is less than 5 she’s lying. Look at me, king……She lying. #StayWoke

Chicks out here taking niggas souls sexually but swearing up and down they only had 3 boyfriends.

No man has ever made this face for a chick that had less than 12 partners

Ladies, we’re ok with your past.

I don’t need every gory detail but trust me, we Gucci. I know you gave a nigga a BJ in a cemetery once because the Hennessy was treating you right that night the same way you know I had sex with 3 of your friends. We’re horrible people that are comfortable in our own skin and ready to explore.

I fail to see the issue.

At this age no man wants a virgin or virgin like chick. That’s too much work. Go get some skeletons in your closet then come see me so we can hit the floor running and avoid the starfish sex is all I’m saying.

And dear lord please stop letting social media lie to you and tell you that you’re not amazing. Every page you go on and every site you visit is yet another article or pic of perfection that isn’t true at all. When you’re not skinny enough you’re not fat enough. One minute we’re praising fit women and the next “real women are thick”. One site tells you natural hair is for you and the next begs you to put some Armani hair in your shit.

“Your man wants you to be thick but not that thick with long hair that’s yours but not really while wearing nude tones that look like your skin but its really animal byproducts made in eastern Europe by kids and try and be less dark but remember that black is beautiful. …..Because You’re worth it!”

Do you.

If you love to contour and beat your face then do it.

If you’re comfortable with a 3 piece and some ice cream after a long day then eat it…..shit….invite me over.

If you prefer to be fit then run it.

Its not up to a man and it never should be.

Come close to the screen….I really want you to understand this.

Don’t make this weird….come closer.

Good.

The sexiest thing about a woman is confidence. PERIOD.

Above is a picture of Jill Scott.

Anyone that knows me knows that I think this woman is the 2nd sexiest woman on the planet.

I love you my biracial queen…but this isn’t about you right now. I’ll see you later. #Battlecat

No, she’s not small. No, she’s not conventionally the prettiest female but she is sexy as all hell for one reason: Her confidence. She doesn’t let anyone…male or female….define who or what she is.

I said crass words earlier….we all know I’m a blunt instrument. But that’s literally all it boils down to….be yourself. There’s nothing sexier than a woman with her shit together and lacking a fuck to give concerning someone else’s opinion.

Pick a lane and be true to it but don’t bring others down, especially others of your gender, just because of your own insecurities.

The miseducation of the Bahamian female was never about what you were taught, it was about what you WEREN’T taught.

That you’re enough.

That you’re beautiful as is.

That you don’t have to bring each other down to be the queen bee.

That 2 or more of you can exist in a room without hate or jealousy.

That your past does not make or break you….that it’s prelude to something better….something greater if you let it.

Be you. Do you. Everything else will fall into place.

 

Stay(femininely)Woke

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