By Drew

 

I doubt there is any way to start this article without running a disclaimer as there is bound to be some fake deep person that will comment under this expressing how we are all one and blah blah financial divide blah blah classism.

Please understand that I am not that guy.

I speak from where I’ve been, what I’ve done and who I am. I cannot write about government schools because I’ve never been to one. I’m an unmarried, childless, 35 yr old that gives relationship advice…..did you really think I was going to write some think piece on this topic?

Remember that time y’all read that and thought I was a good person? Lol….Silly rabbits

Remember that time y’all read that and thought I was a good person? Lol….Silly rabbits

Trump is president and I don’t know how much time we have left, so let’s just enjoy reading false equivalencies, inaccurate generalizations and far-reaching assumptions without some want-to-be-offended “creative” coming at me about what you think I meant and let me address Private Schools in the Bahamas and what that says about you (Pt 1).

 

St Andrews

Probable Graduate:

Gwyneth Paltrow:

Gwyneth Paltrow: Confused by poverty, quietly pretentious….thinks she’s conscious

 

Game of Throne Affiliation:

House Lannister: (…do I really need to explain this?)

House Lannister: …do I really need to explain this?

St Andrews is the school the average parent window shops in to tell their friends but never really sends their kids to because it costs like $8,000 a month…..before VAT.

We’ve all heard it at work from LaQuinta with the 1 kid born out of wedlock that makes $20,000 a year but wants you to know she can afford shit sometimes.

“Well I went to St Andrews today to see if it would be a good fit for Saekwon but I knew I couldn’t afford it but just needed to get a pamphlet to make you believe I could cause you think it’s a game didn’t like their class sizes”

“Well I went to St Andrews today to see if it would be a good fit for Saekwon but I knew I couldn’t afford it but just needed to get a pamphlet to make you believe I could cause you think it’s a game didn’t like their class sizes”

St. Andrews is the school we, the non-boating/beaching in the middle of the week members of society all look towards when we thought things like…

“Well obviously mommy them didn’t work hard enough in life cause….”.

I imagine for lunch they had a surf and turf option and were given arrogant fruits like plums.

1

Nothing says “I’m not broke” like eating a $4 plum….on the beach….on a Tuesday…..during a recession

They have the highest volume of kids that come from wealthy homes that think they are attractive because they have money.

LoL….you’re not

Money couldn't fix ugly then and it sure doesn't now. #BeSafeTho

I don’t care how many “good weaves” and MAC makeup kits you can afford. Ogly is ogly, beloved.

I went to Kingsway so I’ve always been salty with St Andrews kids because in our mind we were the plan B.

(I have since been told by some assholes on this site that their asshole friends decided that we were plan C and QC was plan B but we ignoring them forever)

St Andrews kids wear their Eastern superiority like a tattoo…… Until a Lyford Cay School kid comes along then we’re ALL on manners.

 “OMG I didn’t know you went to St Andrews!!! How long have you been poor?”

“OMG I didn’t know you went to St Andrews!!! How long have you been poor?”

 

St Annes

Probable Graduate:

Acts quiet and righteous, Low-Key wicked, had a baby for a nigga with a mixtape. Now trying to act brand new with her "christian" husband.

Ciara: Acts quiet and righteous, Low-Key wicked, had a baby for a nigga with a mixtape. Now trying to act brand new with her “christian” husband.

 

 

Game of Thrones Affiliate:

Quiet, strong….weirdly good at swimming

House Tully: Quiet, strong, lethal….weirdly good at swimming

Know that person in your office that is kinda funny, kinda quiet, kinda to themselves but deep down you know they’re watching…judging?

Chances are they went to St Annes.

I always just assumed St Annes kids were that way because of their proximity to Fox Hill, forcing them to never step outside those hallowed grounds lest Fox Hill take hold of them and claim them.

“Beyond the horizon is Fox Hill....you must never go there Latavia!"

“Beyond the horizon is Fox Hill….you must never go there Latavia!”

They legit placed these poor children between a cemetery and the hood. When those are your options I don’t think you really have a choice but to behave and spell good. All my friends from St Annes are generally chilled out individuals that don’t want any problems. I’m pretty sure their school anthem is a Norah Jones song.

If they were a spice they’d be flour.

But please, don’t sleep….they are the ones whose females are undercover loose and the type niggas that cry when they fight because of all that pent up emotion.

I’m not kidding.

I once fought one of their smallest females…..and lost. I won’t call names though…

 

Elaine....her name is Elaine Sawyer and she is a scorpion woman. #StayWoke

Elaine….her name is Elaine Sawyer and she is a scorpion woman. #StayWoke

 

 

St Augustine’s College

 

Probable Graduate:

Annoyingly talented, knows it…..uses false humility as a weapon

Beyonce: Annoyingly talented, knows it, academics not a priority…..uses false humility as a weapon

Game of Thrones Affiliation:

House Baratheon: False claim to the throne with an annoying sense of entitlement

House Baratheon: False claim to the throne with an annoying sense of entitlement

Sannie Dorsett went to SAC.

Can I go on to Temple Christian now or do I need to unpack this further?

Really?

Have you met her?

I mean….ok.

First off, let’s be honest: SAC students will let you know they went to SAC within minutes…nay…SECONDS of you meeting them. They’ll bring it up arbitrarily like announcing the school you came from at 30 is an acceptable practice.

" …it’s nice that you graduated from SAC, sir, but I was asking if you wanted white or yellow grits?”

” …it’s nice that you graduated from SAC, sir, but I was asking if you wanted white or yellow grits?”

They are what happens when a vegan and a crossfitter have a baby in Beyoncé’s house during Scorpio season.

Timothy went to SAC and the only time he comes out of pocket is during B.A.I.S.S. Nigga is half my size and legit started talking reckless to me the other day when I mentioned SAC in a bad way.

Timothy barely has eyes but wanted to fight me to the death over sports he never participated in

Timothy barely has eyes but wanted to fight me to the death over sports he never participated in

And please, let’s be clear, I am 100% jealous of SAC kids.

They have a pool, amazing at sports, and these niggas even had a pond for no reason at all. But, much like Patriots fans, I think we all just get tired of hearing about their sporting accomplishments. But if we take away from the wanton arrogance and…you know…. Sannie, it actually is a very good school.

P.S. Its annoying me that the majority of them scrolled past the first two schools and came straight to their school because THAT’S how petty they are. SMT.

 

Temple Christian

 

Probable Graduate:

Drake: Seems harmless and lightskin but is in your spouse’s DM’s as we speak #stayWoke

Drake: Seems harmless and lightskin but is in your spouse’s DM’s as we speak #stayWoke

 

Game of throne Affiliation:

House Mormont : There all along but no one really acknowledges them until a spelling bee or some gospel concert comes along that 22 people attended.

House Mormont : There all along but no one really acknowledges them until a spelling bee or some gospel concert comes along that 22 people attended.

Please understand that Temple Christians raises ninjas. They are very similar to St Annes in the sense that they are very low profile but chances are if your spouse is late coming home they are with a TC alumnus being nasty.

I blame their administration for moving them to Shirley St to that nondescript location with no signs.

Notice how no one in the public eye came from TC but I’m sure you know at least 5 super successful graduates who stay low to the ground?

This is Ryan: He either sells crack cocaine or he’s a venture capitalist…. and a proud graduate of Temple Christian

This is Ryan: He either sells crack cocaine/people or he’s a venture capitalist…. and a proud graduate of Temple Christian

I think the deception was always in the details.

No, literally…… its right there in the name. The hell does “Temple Christian” even mean?

What says "all brown" and yet reflects our overbearingly tacky love of white Jesus? Wait....!"

What says “all brown” and yet reflects our overbearingly tacky love of white Jesus?….. Wait!”

Let’s move on because I have more questions than answers for these niggas.

 

Prince William

 

Probable Graduate:

Tiny: (T.I’s wife) You think you know who she is but you don't.....you don't at all

Tiny: (T.I’s wife) You think you know who she is but you don’t…..you don’t at all

 

Game of Thrones Affiliation:

27591-1920x1080

House GreyJoy: They are far removed from the rest but still relevant (they think)

 

….Y’all still believe this a private school aye?

 

Lol….moving on

 

Queens College

Probable Graduate:

DJ Khaled: Uses his actual gangster family members and friends to legitimize his coolness and justify his racial ambiguity but low-key never had a sauches sandwich in his life

DJ Khaled: Uses his actual gangster family members and friends to legitimize his coolness and justify his racial ambiguity but low-key never had a sauches sandwich in his life

 

Game of Thrones Affiliation:

House Martell: Super athletic, racially ambiguous house that no one really knows what to do with in the grand scheme of things

House Martell: Super athletic, racially ambiguous house that no one really knows what to do with in the grand scheme of things

QC kids: What are you exactly?

Why do I feel like QC is a representation of what they keep threatening America will look like in 50 years?

This is Jessica: She is half black and half Narnian and she loves to swim

This is what 78.5% of QC looks like. Tell me I lie.

I feel like 1 in 3 children either look like the Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson or Jessica Alba. Even the black kids either have good hair or are annoyingly sweet and filled with hope and love for others.

Imma need you to throw on some Bugle Boys and some British Knights and act like Bahamar still ain open, lil nigga! #StopSmilinAndSpreadingJoy

Imma need you to throw on some Bugle Boys and some British Knights and act like Bahamar still ain open, lil nigga! #StopSmilinAndSpreadingJoy

What blows my mind is they are also very good at sports which makes me believe the administration is knowingly creating super gorgeous future people and there’s a government plot going on for them to secretly take over this country with very athletic grade 13 educated good haired kids.

Y’all keep letting Perry finger distract you from the truth.

Will he make a Perry Christie “fingering” joke? Will he bring light to how hilariously insane our government figures are? Will he make yet another “Perry is dance too damn much” comment? Nope….Imma just let this moment breathe cause this Y’ALL prime minister.

Will he make a Perry Christie “fingering” joke? Will he bring light to how hilariously insane our government figures are? Will he make yet another “Perry is dance too damn much” comment? Nope….Imma just let this moment breathe cause this Y’ALL prime minister.

 

St Johns

Probable Graduate:

ice-cube-3

Ice Cube: Intelligent human that will slap the H.O. Nash out of you if necessary but is probably still the smartest person in the room in spite of it all

 

Game of Thrones House:

Undeniably intelligent. Unapologetically savage.

Undeniably intelligent. Unapologetically savage.

Please understand that all of my closest friends came from St Johns which is the social equivalent of “…I’m not racist, I have 3 black friends”.

But I digress.

I am all too familiar with their culture.

Its arguably the most confusing and divisive school on this list considering they are as smart as the St Andrews kids, as arrogant as the SAC kids, as calculating as the St Annes kids and please believe as violent as any child soldier group known to man.

His name is Sanchez and he will just as quickly balance your check book as he will beat you unconscious with a brick

His name is Sanchez and he will just as quickly balance your check book as he will beat you unconscious with a brick

St Johns is the most ghetto private school on this list as I can’t think of another school that had as many fights, against, Govt schools no less, but still had good grades.

Y’all keep letting Dakarai and Renaldo fool you with their smiles and touching photos with their family and friends. They think I don’t know that if I cross them on the wrong day a real fight may happen and my Kingsway ass is NO WHERE near built for violence on that level. That’s why I stay lifting heavy weights in the event I gotta fight these niggas.

Especially Nal.

You don’t willingly own a sweater that yellow and not be capable of murder is all I’m saying

You don’t willingly own a sweater that yellow and not be capable of murder…them beads ain foolin no one, fam

St Johns looks like that prison Escobar built and they refuse to renovate it.

Pictured above: St Johns in the 90's

Pictured above: St Johns in the 90’s

St Johns females are the realest and coolest chicks on the block because you kinda have to be when “running away from rocks” is an every day possibility. When you have actual beef with a government school and THEY tread lightly then….yeah, you do the math.

 

Kingsway Academy

Probable graduate:

Not exceptional at any one thing. Not sure why they are so popular. No clue why they demand so much money or attention but everyone else seems to mess with them so everyone just kinda goes along with it.

Not exceptional at any one thing. Not sure why they are so popular. No clue why they demand so much money or attention but everyone else seems to mess with them so everyone just kinda goes along with it.

 

Game of Thrones Affiliation:

Always warning about some deity's second coming. Keep taking L’s but somehow still in the fight. Also no pool

Always warning about some deity’s second coming. Keep taking L’s but somehow still in the fight. No pool

Kingsway is the school you send your kids to because St Andrews was too pricey, SAC was too risque, St Annes was too Anglican and that right turn to off Village Road to get to QC was too annoying a deviation for your morning commute.

“This kid isn’t going to be an astronaut and I need to get to work on time so Lyford Cay School is out of the question”

“This kid isn’t going to be an astronaut or an athlete and I need to get to work on time so QC is out of the question, Leonard”

We may not be good at sports or at the top of the list academically but one thing we did and did well…..was worship white Jesus.

Lord have mercy does Kingsway love them some Jesus. Mention “Spiritual Emphasis Week” to any Kingsway student and watch their face.

“The country has a D average so we better take them out of their classes so they can play Christian for a week!”

“The country has a D average so we better take them out of their classes so they can play Christian for a week!”

I have a theory that they told us we were selling cookies and having fairs to raise money for a pool but they secretly were making us pray for a flood hoping that Jesus would just fill the field with water and provide it for them.

“Send down the rain, send down the rain, send down the Holy Ghost raiiiinnnnn” – lol…y’all thought the “rain” was about Gods blessings aye? Y’all better get woke

“Send down the rain, send down the rain, send down the Holy Ghost raiiiinnnnn” – lol…y’all thought the “rain” was about Gods blessings aye? #TheMoreYouKnow

We don’t really have much to brag about….well, we do have one thing: Remember back in ’99 when the whole island had to retake the BGCSE’s?

That was us.

“Ok. We steal the BGCSE answers, we flaunt it around a few sketchy LW Young kids, we keep it on our person the day OF the exams…what can possibly go wrong?"

“We steal the BGCSE answers, we flaunt it around a few sketchy L.W. Young kids, we keep it on our person the day OF the exams…what can possibly go wrong?”

So you can have your B.A.I.S.S. trophies, scholastic achievements and members of parliament. That year, if only for a moment, we brought this whole island to a standstill. Several students were suspended and it was a major inconvenience to every student on the island but, hey…….we’ll take it.

Kingsway or ya ma!

 

Stay (Scholastically) Woke

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