A year is really just a predefined loop of built in narratives and holidays we setup to mark the passage of time; or whatever. People die, people are born, some good stuff happens and some really bad stuff happens so really most of the time, it’s a wash.
So Happy Holidays everyone!
However, the view of any particular year is in essence all about the context and perspective you use to view these events through. The common meme floating through the zeitgeist is that 2016 was a shit year, but we really have no idea what’s about to happen next year and thinking so seems kind of naive…right?
For many people, 2016 marked the start of families, the achievement of life long goals, the start of new business ventures and…..HOLY SHIT WHAT? DONALD TRUMP IS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
This is our third year of breaking down the year with a college basketball style bracket, (thanks Rembert/Grantland) but this is the first year where we can all generally agree that there was no bigger story that’s tentacles somehow made it into every facet of ever story like Donald J Trump. Attempting to put anything else at the top of this list would’ve been simply disingenuous and tone dead (but hey we tried). So without further ado we lay out the bracket:
*** Red Indicates Winners***
The Orange Conference
(1) Trump vs. (8) The Olympics
Kari: If only Ryan Lochtee or Usain Bolt had KellyAnn Conway as their press secretaries
Andrew: No one watches the Olympics. Watching Trump be Trump was all I needed so I could know to not touch Miami this year to get my XXL Old Navy shirts and Chipotle with the extra guac.
(4) Hurricane Mattchew vs. (5) OJ. Simpson 2016
Kari: Anyone who had sex in 98 degree weather with no AC is as much of a savage as OJ Simpson.By the way OJ Made in America deserves an Oscar and The People vs. OJ Simpson had unintentional comedy, breakout performances, and Emmy wins…but Mattchew.
(2) Snap Filters vs. (7) Cersei Lannister
Kari: I want Cersei to win this bracket and in my mind she already did. Unfortunately pretty sure Cersei would love all the Snapchat crown filters.
Andrew: Go watch the opening scene for the last GOT episode and you decide.
(3) Harambe vs. (6) Fake News
Andrew: Gals been spreading fake news since Robin Givens was thotting in the 80’s. There’s only one Harambe though.
Nal: Social media has pretty much wiped its ass with the social contract of the fourth estate. Everyone has a voice now, which means that no matter how off base, sensationalised and obviously click baitey it is – someone out there will listen to that voice. Anyone with an Internet connection has an opportunity to get on a soapbox and
misinform with a few keystrokes. It’s anarchy out there. Walter Cronkite must be rolling over in his grave.
The Fear Conference
(1) Hilary Clinton vs. (8) Dave Chapelle
Kari: Still Mad at Hilary. Like how’d she fuck this up fam? I can’t have her win anything right now.
Nal: If 2016 was the year of taking L’s, Hillary possibly took the biggest L of them all. Life is a game of inches though, and a few electoral college votes in the other direction and Hills runs away with this bracket. Chapelle’s much anticipated return from his hiatus featured an SNL hosting that directly addressed said L taking.
(4) Staying “Woke vs. (5) John Snow’s Resurrection
Kari: John Snow literally woke back up….I mean.
(2) 3-1 Comebacks vs. (7) Brexit
Andrew – Can’t come back from no Brexit, beloved. I need to stick with a winner. Comebacks get the W.
(3) Atlanta vs. (6) Populism
Andrew: All black writing staff, director, producer and a perfect album…..give Donald Glover the award.
Kari: 2016 the year that makes you deride democracies, capitalism, socialism, communism, facisim, nationalism, and populism all at once.
The PC Conference
(1) Gender Politics vs. (8) Mumble Rap
Andrew:I warned these niggas about mumble rap but Nal was out here listening to Kodak Black and soca’ing. Now look what happened
(4) Netflix Original Series vs. (5) Podcast
Andrew: Podcast are the teachers of the future. Whatever you’re into you can find it.
Kari: Podcasting is what blogging used to be a place for a free flow of ideas and opinions. Blogging eventually transformed into the way most of us consume news in 2016. Who knows what podcasting will become.
(2) Social Justice Warriors vs. (7) R.I.P Everyone
Andrew: We lost Prince. I didn’t even like dudes music but I know he influenced enough people I listen to, to know how big a deal that was. RIP everyone
(3) Shaunae’s Dive vs. (6) Russia
Andrew: Russia (Hi, Putin. We good right?)
Kari: We got hacked this year and all I could think of was that we really need to control the means of production. Then I joined Bravta. We good right Putin?
The Everyone’s Famous Conference
(1) White Privilege vs. (8) Loretta
Andrew: How dare y’all even put someone against baby girl.
Kari: Remember in Dragon Ball Z when Cell would take another form and then become more powerful? Well Donald Trump’s taking it from here WP.
(4) Jordan Face vs. (5) Rap Beefs
Andrew: “Things ain been the same since BIG died and Wu Swarmed out from out that beehive” – Jay Electronica. All rap fans are Jordan faced right now.
(2) Buddy Gets Drafted vs. (7). Donald Glover
Andrew: I love Donald Glover’s music and show but charity starts at home.
Kari: Being cast in Star Wars, writing acting and producing the best show of the year, and he made a fire album. Toughest match up of the first round and if Nal didn’t…
(3) Sannie & Nal Get Married vs. (6) This is Fame Bro
Andrew: The devil wanted to get married and it chose Nal…..how was this not a big deal?
Kari: Sannie didn’t murder Andrew and the wedding was great, but now her husband famous so I dunno man.
The Sweet Sixteen
(1)Trump vs. Hurricane Mattchew
Nal: Chaos is a ladder. That ladder is eventually supposed to expose inefficiencies, holes in the system and transport you to a place of stability in a new beginning. Mattchew was chaos that basically reverted our entire country to the dark ages for about a month. Our utility companies didn’t get any better but the upside is they post tons of social media updates nowadays telling us just how bad they are…so I guess there’s that.
Andrew: Firstly giving honor and respect for Johnathon Marcus Nuttberg who protected my life with consistent air conditioning, delicious food and enduring my snoring patterns for 4 days. The fact that I went through an entire hurricane without having to wipe my face means a lot to me. Trump was and will always be Trump. He’s been racist, xenophobic and orange since conception. There’s really no surprise he won really. He did what fuck niggas do: Wait in the long grass to catch your girl slipping, then, when she most vulnerable, move in them dms with sweet words and invites to come through so he can grab her by the pussy. America is about to get the long dicking of its life for the next 4 years and we are all witnesses. Democrats should’ve been watching they girl. Don’t blame Trump
(2) Snap Filters vs. (3)Harambe
Kari: Holy shit do gals love filters, but you know what they may love more. Instagram’s Boomerang. Stay Woke 2017.
Nal: Gals love SnapChat. There’s not a woman on the planet that hasn’t adorned their head with a crown of flowers, stars, some animal crap or the lightskin glaze. No, I’m not overstating this. You really don’t understand…they really really really love these filters. It’s as if Beyonce was an app.
Andrew: Anyone who knows me knows I’m far removed from social media save for Instagram that I’ve been crushing as of late. (See adorable pic in hoodie here) I don’t really fuck with snap but chicks were out here looking like dogs and or eve in the garden. I don’t get how any of that is cute or became a thing but what I do know is I lost a brother to bad parenting and excessive force. Harambe was trying to do what that mother didn’t and get her son in check and they killed that nigga. I’m team Harambe till the death of me. Wa alaykumu as-salam, my brother.
(8)Chapelle’s Comeback vs. (4)Staying Woke
Kari: The idea of “wokeness” has kind of been adopted to a general douchebaggery let’s be honest. It’s intention was to describe an intangible ability to seek knowledge on something so your opinions and thoughts come from a well-informed place, minus said douchebaggery. It was the perfect anthesis to the apathy of the 90’s and early 2000’s.
Andrew: I’m a huge fan of stand-up comedy and an even huge-er fan of David Chappelle. The irony is he’s as “woke” as they come but because he makes dick jokes for a living people may not consider him “woke”. I think the woke movement had good intentions but then as usual the hippies, feminist, democrats and gals messed it up and now being socially aware isn’t enough if you’re not “woke” by their standards. I gotta give the W to David
(2) 3-1 Comebacks vs. (6) Populism
Nal: The Cavs, Cubs, LBT, Donald…It’s been the year of the comeback and shitting on statistical probability projections. Thanks Nerds. The underdog story is something that’s communicated in all art and it’s something a large portion of our population believes they’re capable of because a large portion of us sees ourselves as the everyman…well the everyman….as long as you don’t take privilege into account.
Andrew: I have dubbed fellow site member Ricardo Wells as the false god because he made a promise: In the group he promised me that the Warriors would win and that LeBitch would go home crying. LeBitch ended up taking home the crown or trophy or whatever it is they give out in basketball and for all these reasons Ricardo Wells is the false god. So hats off to the underdogs who put in that work and made it happen. And to the elite? Have fun with Trump beloved. Be safe tho.
(1) Gender Politics vs. (5) Podcasts
Kari: “When you‘re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.” This quote ran through my head anytime I thought or heard about social issues in 2016 but especially when trying to analyze anything that drifted into the realm of feminism or gender politics. That’s not to say I agree with the culture of over sensitivity that’s been cultivated or that I’d even know where to begin to fix my own misogynistic short comings. But this was the year that it went from me realizing that it was a problem to holy shit this is like the Matrix where you can see the code now. Shit is fucked up out here for gals. As a man you take your privilege for granted pretty much every day of your life and it’s one of the things I’ve had to confront and it’s allowed me to better understand at least some small aspect of eve racial issues can be seen through different prisms.
Andrew: I have to admit that as much as I find gals annoying, my eyes were opened to a lot this year. I use the same tactic as the racists: When I’m about to say or write something super misogynistic I preface it with “I have 3 sisters and a mother but….(insert won’t be having sex with this female statement here)”. I learned that harassment is real, girls are in SOME cases oppressed and that it’s 2016 and niggas are still catcalling.
Nal: Everything y’all said was great, but gals still ain’t funny though.
(2) SJW vs. (3) Shaunae’s Dive
Kari: SJWs are people who promote progressive ideals of acceptance, be they through the lens of civil rights, feminism, cultural identity and identity politics themselves. To most people that sounds pretty good. There should be people fighting for these ideals, and over the long span of time progress will as always end up being undefeated, people like Shaun King, Deray Mckesson, and Lena Dunham (good lord) have been and in some ways accurately described as SJW….However, and this is a big however, it’s become a pejorative to people on the right. It describes people who are politically correct to a fault and live in an arena of being perpetually offended.
Andrew: I’m not one to be overly patriotic but watching the multi-racial tears of America as Shaunae dove over the finish line was orgasmic for me. Not only was it legal but the goddamn Americans have been doing that shit. But arguably more important than the dive was the “carry your cunny” movement that was born from that moment. We may be bad at keeping the lights on but come for one Bahamian and you come for all. (Pause)
(8) Loretta Butler Turner vs. (4) Jordan Face
Kari: Since her coup of the FNM’s leadership there have been Game of Thrones, House of Cards and Machiavellian references to describe what she did and they’re all apt and they’re all great. She’s checkmated the FNM into a position where they face the choice of accepting her new regime or conceding the 2017 election to the PLP, she’s opting that their patriotism would win over their pettiness. HA. Let me know how that works out.
Andrew: …really? Is this even a question? SMT….babygirl don’t mind them. Come get this W. I live out east and I got some spinach eggs and
dick sweet soda waiting for you, beloved. Miss you boo boo. Text me later.
(2) Buddy Gets Drafted vs. (6) This is fame Bro
Kari: Nal has been writing about Buddy from time, and 10YS was around for OU’s appearance at the Sweet 16 in 2015, Battle 4 Atlantis and Final Four, so we were kinda always on the bandwagon. That was even before his amazing 2016 happened. Suddenly, the country with the most faux celebrities per capita had an actual famous person on it’s hands. All of this culminated in New York where Buddy got drafted in the lottery to the New Orleans Pelicans. A #OnePassport Bahamian made it to the big stage and we all became Pelican fans. It was a genuine moment of National Pride. Good for us, even better for him.
Nal: Buddy and I are famous. THIS IS FAME BRO.
Andrew: I am not a basketball nigga in the slightest but I support any Bahamian not doing dumb shit or robbing me during the Xmas. Buddy is following that creed and getting drafted was monumental. I saw the excitement in the eyes of the guys from the site. I also saw that that’s the most John ever cooked for niggas the week leading up to it so…win win.
The Elite Eight
(1) Trump vs. (2) Snap Filters
Andrew: I wanna give this to gals but I feel like they still hurting over that Hilary’s defeat. Donald Ttrump went after gals AND their “pussies” and just became president of fucking America. Every gal that snaps chat filtered on Election Day needs to be head kicked by Holly Holm in the 2nd round.
Kari: Holly Holm? Really Nigga? It’s the Holidays.
(4) Staying Woke vs. (2) 3-1 Comebacks
Kari: It could be argued that the teams and people who blew “3-1” leads in fact did not stay woke. That’s called empirical evidence folks.
Andrew: I can’t be much more woke than I am….honestly, truly. I’m kinda tired of being woke and would much rather enjoy the Patriots lose to the Giants this season.
(1) Gender Politics vs. (2)Social Justice Warriors
Kari: This is called a paradox.
Andrew: Y’all cause Hilary lose. Fuck both y’all.
(2) Buddy Gets Drafted vs. (8) Loretta Butler Turner
Kari: Listen I don’t know why the selection committee would put them on the same side of the bracket but here we are. Ostensibly the Bahamian man and woman of the year square off in a chance to go to our Final Four. Buddy gets the edge here because he’s succeeding despite a coach who is more inclined to play veterans and happens to look like Perry Christie. Meanwhile Loretta has made it this far based off of guile, and gumption, But, and this has to be emphasized she’s not there yet….
Minnis is still trying to get her out and we don’t even know if some “die hards” will be amenable to a woman leading the party
Shit, Rodney Moncur happened. Has the NCAA tournament ever rescinded an at large birth in the Elite Eight?
I think it just happened here!
Andrew: I joke about Loretta but honestly I was rooting for her. I legitimately thought we had a chance for change…..for something different. Yes I know she rubs people the wrong way and yes I’m fully aware she has a vagina. But…..so? I love my country I really do….but we can’t keep up like this. Prepare for another 4 years of Perry… because niggas.
The Final Four
(2) Buddy Gets Drafted vs (1) Gender Politics
Nal: I have adopted the belief in recent months that gals just hate gals. No let’s face it. Any woman put in a position to advance the gender automatically takes the facial feature and personality of everything hated by every single gal out there.
Don’t believe me?
Loretta before Rodney…..
Gender in politics will always come down to this rule, we can explain a questionable sexual past, murder and even robbery; but no matter what, we can’t explain a vagina despite the fact the most people casting ballots either has one or really, really likes one.
Andrew: Buddy is a big deal but gals love equality, king. Buddy will retire one day but gals and niggas will never see eye to eye.
(4) Woke vs. (1) Trump
Kari: Trump is the most asleep but myopically woke person on the planet. That didn’t make sense. Im’ tired.
Andrew: Donald Trump got on stage, was racist, mean and lewd to the point of cringing and he won. We were so woke that we ignored the millions of disenfranchised white lower-middle class. We were so woke that we were blinded by our own “intelligence” and couldn’t see that they were tired of being “ostracized”. We were so woke that for the first 2 quarters we were busy laughing at the Trump headlines and not realizing there was a good amount of niggas reading them and clapping dude up. So while we were being woke….middle white America was asleep dreaming up their own plans for the future. Welcome to Trump America.
(1)Trump vs. (1)Gender Politics
Kari: Well all I can honestly say here is…… Grab ’em by the pussy.
This was really one of the most revealing things about society in 2016, the reactions to what you thought about the “grab em by the pussy” audio was a leading indicator of where you stood on gender politics.
John: Make America Great Again!
Andrew: LoL….Looka John
No one knows what to do.
Kari: Charlagmane and Trevor Noah clumsily tried to reason with Tomi Lahren and get to the root of her conservative ideas and support for Trump, both men were left wanting and they ended up concluding that all they were trying to do was shed light on the beliefs of conservatives. They think it begins with dialogue. They spoke about Black Lives Matter, were called Uncle Toms and refuted that they slid in DMs. For them they said it begins with a dialogue. Hahaha…for it Trump does not. He believes it begins and ends with winning. It’s why he can shake Obama’s hand and say nice things about him now. It’s why when he called Bill Clinton he talked about the campaign like he’d just won a heated game of Madden. I’m uncertain about all of it, I’m uncertain about this entire list. Hearing political/social commentators who I read and listened to just be so flat out wrong in their world view just drilled home for me that none of us know what the fuck is going on. It highlighted that uncertainty is the most human trait that we all share no matter the bravado and bluster we hear during a political campaign or any social debate really means nothing. This was the year of the trolls. A troll was the most talked about story of the year and a troll won the presidency. He’s the embodiment of our online culture…and you all some how think 2017 is going to be easier?