By Drew

 

Hey there babygirl, How you?

I see you.

Having to wake up an hour earlier every morning just to cover a few more curves and beat your face just a little bit more for that skinny chick in Customer Service who thinks it’s a game. You are the assassin her mother warned her about. You are the killer hiding in plain sight. But trust me I know. I know you’re tired. You wake up at an ungodly hour to gym/bootcamp/crossfit/walk/run  for a 120lb trainer  that has no clue what it means to be over 200lbs and balance in heels and a flare skirt that refuses to let you walk the way you want because that ass refuses to not act like its independent from your body.

Father I stretch my hands to thee, thanking you for this blessing

Men see it and lose their professional countenance and have to do the ugly face just to comprehend what the hell they’re witnessing and often times the weaker among them even have to make that appreciation verbal.

I feel your pain.

When you eat another goddamn salad sprinkled with some random ass oil and skinny girl tears all in the hopes of losing that last 20 lbs by Friday. Meanwhile your male counterpart carries out a diet of everything he’s always eaten save for the last 10 fries and somehow, someway loses 30 lbs in a week because Eve was a selfish vegan with no self discipline.

You inter-species communicating vegan ass heffer!

“Now I have hormones and periods and bloat you inter-species communicating apple eating ass heifer!”

I see you and I hear you. But we need to talk.

I’m 300lbs.

Sure I like to gym and lift all the weights but I have a belly on me and that’s just who I am at the moment. Sad part is, the double standard dictates that that’s ok whereas any female counterpart of mine has to suffer through comments and insults on the daily. I’m fully aware its not fair and I can readily admit that I’m one of those guys.

All men do it.

"No bey for a big girl she fine as hell....Lord she big though"

“No bey for a big girl she fine as hell….Lord she big though”

Its almost as if we have to run that disclaimer. The problem is when people call men fat/big it slips off of us like cries for accountability off a politician.

“You wan know where the VAT money is I hear? Cool…lets see if these BPL outages help y’all sit small and know your place!"

“You wan know where the VAT money is I hear? Cool…lets see if these BPL outages help y’all sit small and know your place!”

I hear I’m big almost every 20 minutes and I don’t budge….its par for the course. Deep down  I know that wont effect the amount of V I can get regardless of my size.

It does for you though…or so you think.

Lets be clear: “Fat” is relative. I get that I’m not talking to stereotypical fat people. I’m speaking to all women because, to be fair, a girl can be 100 lbs and thinks she needs to cut weight the same way a girl can be triple that and feel the same. Its a cancer for women at this point.

See y’all have been programmed to believe that bigger girls aren’t worthy let alone “good enough” to date outside of the jungless pool. Love and hip Hop, Instagram, Facebook….all of social media has told you that if you’re not 5’5 and 113lbs of muscle, ass and tits that you’re fat.

Not true.

First off y’all realize that’s literally those girls’ job right? The average female let alone human can’t afford a dietitian, gym trainer and professional photographer to follow them around every day taking candid shots of them being perfect for always.

You too can have this killer body if you cook nothing. Look how much nothing Becky just whipped up!

You too can have this killer body if you cook nothing. Look how much nothing Becky just whipped up!

What they don’t show you is the hours in the gym, the meals she can’t eat and the boyfriend she can’t keep because she’s an Instagram chick that has to do ads and club promotions until she turns 30 and life settles in. Now she’s  too old to maintain that lifestyle because another 1,000 21 year olds, who’ve never seen the gym in their lives,  get on Instagram taking the same picture with less effort.

Same girl from above. Her metabolism has down and her daddy issues have come up

Same girl from above. Her metabolism has gone down and her daddy issues have come up

And that’s the cycle isn’t it?

You were sexy as shit in high school weren’t you? You put in 0 effort. Gym? Hell is the gym? You had abs just off participating in BAISS once a year. But then the college 15 crept in. Or perhaps you had a kid too young or a marriage too soon. Then the weight piled up. You never learned how to maintain your shit and now you’re over 30 trying to keep up with every fad diet and workout on the market.

“I’m on the grapefruit skin, potcake pee and water diet. If you need some potcake pee give me a call, I know a jonser who gets it for me cheap!"

“I’m on the grapefruit skin, potcake pee and water diet. If you need some potcake pee give me a call, I know a jonser who gets it for me cheap!”

Cut it out.

Yes I know its difficult, but the same amount of energy you used gaining weight is now double the effort for you to lose it.

No you wont lose it after that one workout where you thought you were going to die and no you’re not slimmer just because you walked to Yamacraw beach and didn’t stop to Super Value like you usually do. Thats not how you lose 30 years of wanton Bamboo shack at 12am eating.

"After this fruit salad I'll get just a breast piece with extra ketchup. #Health #FitLife #HealthyChoices #IneThatFat"

“After this fruit salad I’ll get just a breast piece, no fries, extra ketchup. #Health #FitLife #HealthyChoices #IneThatFat”

Its not that easy.

It takes weeks/months of consistency. Weeks of pain. Weeks of having to eat bullshit meals every day. Weeks of thinking why the hell you went out Friday night, got drunk and decided a 20 piece nugget and diet coke was a good idea at 4am. Slowly but surely you chisel away at your insecurities and self doubt. You get stronger, faster, toner.

The irony is women are killing it way more than men these days fitness wise and the tables have turned.

I remember a time when you knew all the fit girls. Nassau had like 12 of em.  That was back in the day when all you had was Fanta C gym in the east and “Ballys” in the west. I knew every girl that was in these streets trying to be some semblance of fit. Now most girls I know are apart of some fitness regimen and leaving these out of shape niggas in the dust.

 “I think Deborah is cheating on me. Her blood pressure has evened out and her body fat percentage is lower than ever. Can’t possibly be her trying to better herself….slut!”

“I think Deborah is cheating on me. Her blood pressure has evened out and her body fat percentage is lower than ever. Can’t possibly be her trying to better herself….slut!”

I know guys who were beasts in the gym. Then they got married and now they look like every sitcom husband ever: fat dumb as shit husband with no soul with a hot wife that is smarter than him. I used to think that shit was sexist until y’all niggas proved it.

No I’m not married so I don’t understand what it is to provide for a family and not have time for the gym.

Know who does though?

YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND.

Go to these bootcamps at 5am and tell me what you see. They look the exact same as the night colleges at 7pm: Women everywhere. We’re at a point on this island where the only gender trying to be smarter or be healthier are the females.

Go get em ladies and also if you want…..don’t (Bryson Tiller voice)

You don’t have to cut weight at all.

You can stay fat because chances are you’re fucking not. I know too many women who fret over weight they think niggas give a shit about when really we’re trying to understand what the fuss is about. If a dude wants to be with you he will do it. I’ve never heard a man say,

“ya but that cellulite on the left side of her thigh really bothers me sometimes and really makes me not want her sexually”.

Fuck is that nigga?

Only dudes that could even conjure up that sentence are these guys

Look how not into you or your vagina they are.

Do not misunderstand me: Yes we look at thick girls and lust after them. Yes we go on Instagram and porn sites and have sexual thoughts about ALL those women and run scenarios through our heads of them on our face. Yes he was lying to you when he said he doesn’t have thoughts about all those women on his face. But understand –

Um….what you lookin at? I’m talking. Keep reading please. Thanks

Um….what you lookin at? I’m talking. Keep reading please. Thanks

I’m sorry did you get distracted just now ?

Now hands up how many of the dudes y’all having sex with look like this dude?

I’ll wait.

But that doesn’t change the way you feel right? It’s the same thing. Its your famous porn argument you love to make when you’re reassuring us you don’t want a bigger dick.

“No baby I only watch that kind of porn for arousal. No one expects you to be Mr. Marcus with his baseball bat penis."

“No baby I only watch that kind of porn for arousal. No one expects you to be Mr. Marcus with his baseball bat penis.”

Oh we know its bullshit but so was that little lecture I gave you about all vag being equal and yours being more special than the rest…lol.

But we’re getting distracted by ugly truths.

My point is we will always look at other women, that’s just what men do. But never think for one second we find you any less sexy just because you’re not societies ideal of perfection.

Now I’m not saying to let yourself go.

Look at me beloved.

I AM NOT SAYING TO LET YOURSELF GO.

Let me be clear here: if you’re at a size where you’re a health risk then its time to cut weight, babygirl. I’m sorry but I would much rather you live than…you know….die because you couldn’t say no to Wendys that one (last) time. Besides, this whole journey, if you’re single or not, is 100% about you. Niggas will come and go regardless but you need to take care of you.

That said…

There are a lot of you that think it’s a-ok to just balloon up cause you’re married or “happy”. I have always had one simple rule when it comes to weight: I will always be some semblance of how you met me with a 5-12lb fluctuation depending on mood, stress and game of thrones outcomes.

I ate half a pint of cookies and cream ice cream the day I saw this. #iLieItWasTheWholePint #DontJudgeMe #RealNiggasKnowWhy

We’re all human, we’re allowed.

Fitness isn’t our jobs. However if I met you at 180lbs and you hit 280lbs please miss me with the..

“You should love me in spite of the weight”

Bullshit.

Don’t misunderstand me: If I met you at 270 and you go to 290 then I’m not mad at that. I was attracted to you within that range so we good. But when you go up triple digits its time to have that conversation.

No ones perfect, ladies, and men are men. We see the stretch marks and we really don’t give a shit….at least the niggas I roll with don’t. As Katt Williams said “That means you was either too big and got small or too small and got big…..either way we’re having sex!”. And besides, if that dude doesn’t like your size then who cares? We choosey so why can’t you be? I’m a leg man…..I love me a good thigh. That means that some flat assed,  P shaped chick could never get that work from me cause that’s just not Drew.

Looka this P shape man. Yes, this is a man. Stop being dumb

Looka this P shape man. Yes, this is a man. Stop being dumb

So be fat, be fit, be fit fat, be skinny fat…..be you. Wherever your power lies find it and do it because you want to.

Or don’t. The choice is yours.

Close your  ears to the naysayers…

...just don't forget who's watching

…just don’t forget she’s watching you too

 

Stay(fantastically)Woke

 

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