by TAIGE

A lot of things happened last week. We try to cover them all while starting your week off right with some of the least informed opinions on the internet in our weekly segment: #TallTakes.

This can’t be life. 

America really elected Donald Trump as their President. I’ve been in shock for the past week with apocalyptic visions and scenarios, none of which ended well, not in my head at least.

In the past six days a number of liberal leaning news outlets have been assigning blame over the fact that America elected a flaccid penis with the impulse control of a toddler 4 hours overdue for their nap as president. I’m kind of over pointing fingers. I’m going to look at who stands to benefit from Trump’s ascendance to the top office in America.

Winners: White Men Who aren’t good at anything

The Election of Barack Obama taught young black men that if they worked hard enough and possessed enough talent, studied hard, enough stayed out of trouble and were smart enough that they could overcome every disadvantage they have and amount to something in life.

Donald Trump was someone who was never particularly smart or talented but somehow found himself attending top colleges and hanging out in elite circles off the strength of the privileges his wealthy white upbringing afforded him. Donald Trump’s election serves as a beacon to rich white boys anywhere that they don’t have to be particularly smart, handsome, talented, or good at anything, they’ll still probably get everything they want in life. Stuff that the next group of people knows all too well.

Losers: Everybody Else

In winning the presidency Trump beat out a woman who made it to the halls of power against all odds by studying hard, being smarter than and outworking every single one of her peers. He replaces a black man from a single parent family who was smarter, more talented and worked harder to get to where he was than probably everybody he’s ever been in a room with. This election taught us that the glass ceiling is real.

Winners: Late night talk show hosts and comedians.

The Obama years were relatively lean in terms of comedy, especially coming after two George W. Bush terms full of colossal fuck-ups like the Iraq War and cartoonishly evil figures like Karl Rove and Dick Cheney. It’s kind of hard to make jokes going from a goofball trying justify dumb shit like going to war with the wrong country to a smart guy saying some sensible things like stay out of gay people’s business.

The comedians who rose to prominence while the mainstream press fell asleep at the wheel during the Bush years like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert moved on during Obama’s presidency, but their accolytes, people like Samantha Bee and John Oliver are ready to carry on in their footsteps.

Losers: Darker Skinned Folks

People got behind a man who called Mexicans “rapists”, even though statistics show that crime is lower among undocumented immigrants, called for nation wide stop and frisk even though it was proven to be  useless and called for a nationwide ban on Muslims even though it’s unconstitutional. That doesn’t bode well for the sentiment the majority has towards them.

Winners: Openly Racist People

It used to be that if you wanted to run a campaign based on racism you had to resort to coded racism. Reagan gave that bullshit “welfare queen” speech, Paul Ryan talked about “inner city values” and Sarah Palin talked about “real America” all to denigrate blacks and other minorities because it was perceived that if you came out and said whatever racist thing you actually meant in plainspeak that you would be rendered undetectable.

Donald Trump came out front with his racism and he won. Open racism is cool again I guess.

Loser: People who say racism is over

Whenever another black person got killed by police for no reason or another study emerged showing how unfairly black people were treated by the criminal justice system and in the workplace a chorus of commenters would emerge stating that racism was over and black people needed to calm down.

That sentiment was so pervasive among white people that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia used it as impetus to revoke the voting rights act…. allowing states, Ironically enough, an opportunity to deny black people the right to vote. Hell even Cam Newton, someone who experiences racism every time a radio blowhard talks about him said, in a truly baffling brand-bot moment, that racism was over.

Well someone ran a presidential campaign on a racist platform and won. Maybe racism isn’t over.

Winners: every former President ever

Donald Trump has never held a real job. He may have have held positions in companies bearing his name thanks to his family connections, but he’s never had to apply for a job that require any amount of competency that required him to be a functional adult at the risk of losing his livelihood. Being President of the United States is one of the most stressful and demanding jobs in the world. Donald Trump has never displayed any level of competency at anything ever in his life, I doubt he’ll be good fulfilling the duties that the word’s most demanding job has to offer.

Donald Trump is going to make such a bad president, he’s going to make George W. Bush look like Winston Churchill.

Loser: The Bahamas

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A long time ago some Conchy Joe of the “If I went to Mississippi I would get lynched but I still swear I’m white” variety made up some bullshit about The Bahamas doing well under republican presidents, My guess is that they did it in order to justify their agreement with inherent racism of the republican platform in a country that’s mostly black. (I mean I guess the Bahamas did pretty good under Reagan, but only because drug money).

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A speedboat in every yard

Ever since then Conchs and other dumbasses alike have repeated that quote endlessly whenever a US election occurred. The statement always confused me because I vividly remember going away to school during the Bush presidency and returning to a dilapidated, almost dystopian wasteland devoid of economic and employment opportunities for young people both educated and uneducated alike.

Well the country that consumes the most energy in the world elected someone who ran on a platform that denies climate change. As Bahamians you may feel any way you want about climate change but 50 year old weather reports that indicate that this place used to be way cooler and the massive hurricanes that skull-fuck our islands over on an ever more frequent basis disagree with your stupid opinion.

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This is going to be our life pretty soon

Inhabiting low-lying islands in a hurricane-prone region puts us directly in global warming’s cross hairs. Having a US President unwilling to do anything to curtail global warming may be our death knell. Projections by scientists indicate that we won’t be able to inhabit these islands in 100 years. With someone unwilling to protect the environment as President you can definitely move that timeline up to “in our lifetimes”.

 

 

I’m gonna need for Buddy Hield to not get lit up like that again

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On Monday Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors set a record for threes made in a game making 13. Steph Curry’s output came on the heels of his worst game of the season where he went 0-10.

Steph Curry hitting threes is nothing new to anyone with a passing knowledge of basketball, what is alarming was the number of times he scored on Bahamian NBA player Buddy Hield.

Okay I was being alarmist, he only scored on Buddy like twice. Steph Curry is an amazing player who can probably get his shot off against any defender in the league, but I’m gonna need for Buddy to rep us better and hit Steph with an elbow or “Jalen Rose” him. You can’t go to a park in the Bahamas and stunt on folks like that. You’re going to get an elbow in your chest.

So give him an elbow in his goddamn chest Buddy!

Andrew Bogut needs to man up

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After Steph’s explosive output against the Pelicans the Warriors played their former teammates Harrison Barnes and Andrew Bogut, both of whom now play for the Dallas Mavs. Before the game Bogut had some things to say about his former organization

I don’t buy into the sources thing. I don’t buy into all that (expletive), because this league is so two-faced and everybody is so fake. The same people who made those comments will see me tomorrow and shake my hand and ask me how my family is. This league is full of people who are full of (expletive) and shallow, and that’s what you figure out in pro sports. It’s very hard to meet a genuine person who you can call your friend in this league. That’s just the reality, and I understand that.

In these kinds of disputes I like to side with the players but I won’t this time. Bogut needs to man up and stop being a butthurt ass buster.

The truth of the matter is that basketball is a business, and making $12 million a year comes with the condition that if they want to improve their team at the cost of getting you outta there, then you’re as good as gone.

Aside from that Bogut has nobody to blame for his exile to Dallas but himself. If he plays better the Warriors presumably beat the Cavaliers and win the NBA finals, and they don’t feel the need to acquire Kevin Durant, which means that they wouldn’t have to rid themselves of his contract.

People in Oakland weren’t two-faced, he just didn’t produce.

It’s been Real Tony Romo…..

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Dallas Cowboys third round rookie quarterback Dak Prescott beat the veteran Pittsburgh Steelers up for 319 passing yards and two touchdowns in a 35-30 victory. I think it’s safe to say that Tony Romo, who was the incumbent Cowboys quarterback is outta there.

Sure Dak has a stud offensive line and the brutal running of Ezekiel Elliot to rely on, but rookie quarterbacks tend to mess things up, it’s part of the game. But not only has Dak not messed things up, he’s actually out there balling.

Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett announced earlier this week that Prescott is the starting quarterback but many pundits believed that Garrett would bring the veteran Romo back.

After this win against Pittsburgh, I hope Romo has a good real estate agent.

James Harden is really good at basketball

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JAMES HARDEN IS AVERAGING 30 POINTS 8 REBOUNDS AND 13 ASSISTS PER GAME.  Goddamn.

Most of Harden’s stint in Houston was marred (probably unfairly) by accusations of him being a selfish ball-stopper. So of course when Houston hired insane person Mike D’Antoni as coach he moved Harden to point guard. The effect the move had on the Rockets’ record is debatable seeing as the team is 5-4 so far this season but if they can right the ship look for Harden to run away with the MVP award.

UNC/Duke is a dope rivalry, and not just in basketball 

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UNC/Duke is a college sports rivalry known for thrilling highlights and surprising upsets.  But only in basketball. Their football teams have been butt for the better part of the past few decades.

They aren’t these days though, as we learned on Saturday when Duke pulled off a thrilling 28-27 upset against a UNC team that came into that game leading the coastal side of the division.

But in a world where Donald Trump ran for president and actually won, anything is possible I guess.

 

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