by TAIGE

In a little over a week, our friends in the US will pick a new leader for themselves when they hold their presidential election.  While many people there may find their choice of candidates underwhelming, my friends from Alabama have (jokingly) advocated what they would be an ideal alternative: University of Alabama Head football coach Nick Saban.

This leads me to wonder what kind of President Nick Saban would actually make. Given what I know about the actions he has taken as a head coach, we know for sure these things would happen if Saban was ever elected President of the United States:

 

He would leave in the middle of his first term for a better country…..then blame it on his wife.

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Nick Saban leaves jobs whenever he feels like it. He did it when he left Michigan State for LSU, before the season was even over and again when he left LSU for the Miami Dolphins….and finally when he left the Fins in the middle of the season to take his current job at Alabama.

When Saban leaves he does it under sketchy circumstances. Like the time, according to former Michigan State player Plaxico Burress he promised him he would stay at State before taking the LSU job and the time he swore he wasn’t going to take the Alabama job when he was at Miami, took it then years later said his wife did it without even telling him.  Which, even if it was true (and I don’t believe at all that it is), is a shitty thing to admit, because who throws their wife under the bus like that?

If Saban is president of the US I can guarantee you that he’ll leave in the middle of one of his terms for another job, presumably one that he thinks is better. If one of those Scandinavian countries with a better economy and GDP has an opening he’s there. A middle eastern dictatorship has a power vacuum? Saban would love to help them get it back together. And if you question him about it he’ll just say his wife did it.

He will live in a house paid for by someone else just like he does now….

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Nick Saban got brought out of his house a few years ago by the University of Alabama boosters’ club for $3.1 million (sidenote: I lived in Alabama and I would LOVE to see what you can get for that much in that state because I’ve seen $200k mansions in country clubs.)

As president of the US Saban would again live in a huge ass house paid for by someone else. It would probably be smaller than his current house knowing what I know about property prices in Alabama.

He would bicker with Vice President Kiffin on the White House Lawn. 

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Saban’s most notable assistant is Alabama offensive coordinator and Former University of Southern California, University of Tennessee and Oakland Raiders coach Lane Kiffin. Before Lane did a bang-up job revitalizing and modernizing the Alabama offense, he flamed out tremendously at all three of his head coaching stops in Tennessee and the state of California.

Lane earned a reputation as being a master recruiter before he landed his first head coaching gig during his time as an assistant at the USC  in the late nineties and early 2000s.  He played a key part in putting together some of the most loaded college teams of all time.  Despite Kiffin’s failures as a head coach his skills as a recruiter have carried over to Alabama where he’s still putting together top ranked recruiting classes.

Kiffin’s skills as a recruiter will undoubtedly translate to some highly quotable speeches and interviews as Vice President. And he’ll definitely get booed whenever he goes to Tennesee or California which would be hilarious. However, the most fun part of Lane Kiffin being Nick Saban’s VP is the fact that they’ll publicly squabble all the time like they do on the sidelines at Alabama, which would make night time news comedy shows a million times more entertaining than they already are.

Could you imagine the ball Trevor Noah, John Oliver and Samantha Bee types are going to have with this?

He would act like a little bitch anytime one of his staffers tries to take another job.

Nick Saban has no problem getting the hell out of town whenever a better job comes up, however he tends to get really in his feels whenever his players (who aren’t compensated anywhere near the amount of money they bring their schools and Saban).

Saban actually got all flustered a few weeks ago when top rated recruit turned backup quarterback Blake Barnett decided that he didn’t want to spend 5 years of his life holding a clipboard in Tuscaloosa because that’s not fun, and announced his transfer in the middle of the season.  Saban went on the warpath ripping the freshman in the press because no college student is ever supposed to leave their school when they’re not comfortable with the situation to find a place that fits them better, ever.  That’s for Saban to do only.

If Nick Saban is president expect for him to act just as bitchy when one of his staffers try to put themselves in a better situation. Aide quit to take a lobbying job? He doesn’t love his country. Cabinet member wants to run for office? They just care all about themselves. Federal Prosecutor wants to quit and take a judgeship? Saban’s dad would have kicked him out the house for wanting to be happy. Whenever someone wants a different job expect him to kick a shit fit via his press secretary whenever they have those press conferences.

He will prevail in every confrontation…..almost….

Nick Saban is a master tactician and teacher who owns a 101-18 record in the near decade he spent at Alabama. Man does that guy win.  Expect a Saban presidency to be no different.

Saban will probably prevail in every war, legislative battle and stalemate…..unless he’s going up against legislators from Utah or Ohio.

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