By Drew

I hate it had to come to this.

I hate it had to be y’all.

For some reason Matchew took everything away from us but you people. I mean did ANYONE’S avocado tree get spared in this hurricane?

Your fruit is delicious but your roots are lies

Your fruit is delicious but your roots are lies

For some strange reason every single one of you “celebrities” made it through Matchew safe and sound. The 10th Year Senior team (among a few other major players) have been on me for months to air y’all out but I let you live hoping…nay….praying y’all would change your ways or just stop being bad at life. But alas Matchew left y’all with even more life and vigour to annoy the rest of us which then leads me to write part 2 of Bahamian “celebrities” that need to stop.

Fashionistas 

All of you stand.

No this isn’t a drill.

I want every fashionista or stylist on this island to stand.

Now all of you that went to any vocational or college level class to do this shit sit.

Stop trying to figure out if I'm talking about you, Karen and sit your ass down!

Stop trying to figure out if I’m talking about you, Karen and sit your ass down. You barely graduated government school much less measure and sew a dress.

Who told y’all y’all could dress?

I feel like every single fashionista is just a skinny chick that fits into fashion forward size 0, Forever 21 clothing or some very gay dude that thinks wearing a cardigan around his neck in the summer means he’s “pushing the envelope.”

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Nigga it’s October in the Bahamas….go bathe and put on a tank

Just because you can fit in a size 0 doesn’t mean you know fashion and just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you can dress people. It just means YOU can dress well. It doesn’t mean you can dress OTHERS well. And yes, politically correct people, I AM saying that I think the stereotype that gay men dress well is real. I don’t consider that an insult in the slightest. In fact I think thats the highlight of the homoesexual relationship: Clothes. If there was ever a reason to be gay it’d be for the sharing of amazing clothes and shoes.

"Wait...we gay? I just was living with you cause your jeans and shoe game is proper."

“Wait…we gay? I just was living with you cause your jeans and shoe game is proper.”

But I’m seeing a lot of gay guys, who can dress mind you, who are trying to dress ….well everyone. Which, again, is fine but then you wanna call yourself a stylist?

lol…Naw fam. Too far.

You’re no better than these niggas in the gym who are good at working out their own bodies, start getting paid to help fat Bahamians be less fat, then wanna call themselves trainers. You are not a trainer, you’re a glorified spotter. There are classes and schools for this shit and you took/attended none of them. Now you got dudes out here looking crazy but because no one checks you on your shit and they see that your personal style is pretty stellar they just smile and nod.

Cut it out.

You KNOW that couple you dressed for that wedding looked like shit.

Here we have BraKeisha in an Exuma cut, Masons Edition lace flowy dress and Lil Gardo sporting a DW Davis lapel with a vintage Jonh Chea No. 2 Golden foil carnival print to match his Vienna "Sauches" cut pant

Here we have BraKeisha in an Exuma cut, Masons Edition lace flowy dress and Lil Gardo sporting a DW Davis lapel with a vintage Jonh Chea No. 2 Golden foil carnival print to match his Vienna “Sauches” cut pant

Putting dudes in ill fitting pastel clothing and chicks in non matching print is not fashion it’s just wrong.

Same goes for y’all not fat female stylists. Y’all legit put on anything then say you’re “slaying”.

You’re not.

Let’s be clear, I’m as upset about the obesity rate as any other semi-fit person on this island. In fact I myself am technically obese. I think the term usually referenced to describe me is “big as shit”. So I’m not going to pretend like I don’t destroy…DESTROY Old Navy, Walmart and Target every chance I get. I’m a Tshirt and jeans guy. However, it takes no effort to be skinny, throw on some miss matched bullshit and declare it to be “what’s trending”. I respect the solid female way more than you. She actually has to go out there, put in work, find clothing in an America that is unkind if you’re not less than 150lbs and style on y’all. They’re out there looking better than you on Wednesday than you do when you’re on instagram thinking you’re killing it but really you’re just skinny and have on clothes.

The end.

"Look how brave and sexy she is with no hair and a shirt on. It's so refreshing!"- Fashion People

“Look how brave and sexy she is with no hair and a shirt on. It’s so refreshing!”- Fashion People

And let’s address you past celebrities who thought life would pan out for you 5-10 yrs ago but then that son-of-a-bitch father time crept up on you and now you’re 30lbs heavier, 10 times sadder and still struggling for relevance.

Oh they’re on your page.

They the ones with the super long facebook posts or the 228 selfies taken from the cleavage up….that crew. Listen, I’m sorry your movie, singing, acting, dancing, athletic, poetry, comedy, cooking, rapping, political, (insert bullshit religion here that you joined that you thought would show you the light but only made you more annoying on facebook) didn’t work out for you.

I really am.

But stop bitching about it cause it’s annoying….and yet so deliciously entertaining.

"Oh God she's posting again about how Bahamians dumb and she misses America. I better hit like so this bitch don't kill herself"

“Oh God she’s posting again about how Bahamians dumb and she misses America. I better hit like so this bitch don’t kill herself”

And no don’t tell me to just not read your posts. Of course I’m going to read them….that’s why we all come to Facebook. Do you think I drive through the hood just as a shortcut? No I drive through with my doors locked and window up just in case some crazy shit goes down that I can talk about in the group chat…it’s why we all do it. You put your life up for the public to see and think we won’t have an opinion? Your life is the accident on the road that we all are witnessing because it makes us feel that much better about not having it all figured out.

"I only paid half my BPL bill and I'm out of minutes but at least I'm not still trying to bring out a mixtape at 39! #DoingJustFine "

“I only paid half my BPL bill and I’m out of minutes but at least I’m not still trying to bring out a mixtape at 39! #DoingJustFine “

And don’t try switch on some body positive shit either now that you big like everyone else in Nassau.

Nope, you’re not allowed.

When you were skinny and in shape and nothing “tasted as good as skinny felt” you talked shit about “solid girls”.

We remember….We ALL remember.

"..and then I said to her well maybe if you put those cheetos down you can look like me too hoe!..lol. My life will always be this perfect I'm 100% certain! #SlimForever #NeverFat"

“..and then I said to her well maybe if you put those cheetos down you can look like me too, hoe!..lol. My life will always be this perfect I’m 100% certain! #SlimForever #NeverFat”

Now you over 30, thick and trying to be body positive? lol…chill, son. Be overweight and sad like the rest of us. Welcome to 30+….wings, vodka and sadness are in the back.

Can we also address these tv show people?

Who told you you could act much less be entertaining to watch on television? Point them out so I can punch them in the brain. I’m seeing a lot of these shows pop up on my timeline and I’m confused by who the hell ok’d this shit. Y’all realize we have cable and shit right? Niggas out here with Satellite broadcasting 900 channels filled with people acting their ass off and you decided to talk in some American/Bahamian hybrid accent and speak on controversial topics like “sex” and “periods” and decided that shit was worthy of my 25-43 minutes?

Seriously?

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“Let’s talk about having our periods, how we have cramps and how women get drunk  sometimes….its funny cause its true and it’s way easier than actually trying!”

And for all you “support Bahamians” people miss me with your rhetoric.

Know what was funny as shit? The “stop liking man” videos. That shit was hilarious. Sawyerboy is hilarious and so is the Harrison Thompson shit. Know why they’re funny? Cause they don’t pretend to be something they’re not. They’re authentic, real and put some thought into their craft. Y’all just put on some make-up, got a camera crew and threw bullshit at the screen and prayed it work and the minute someone inevitably said shit was stale you got in your feelings.

"We had 0 plot, horrible acting and nothing people could relate to on any level but honestly I think niggas was just hating."

“We had 0 plot, horrible acting and nothing people could relate to on any level but honestly I think niggas was just hating.”

Um no….you just bad at your job. That’s like me selling conch fritters on the side of the road filled with conch and goat pepper and frying it in goombay punch and getting mad when people don’t buy into “my dream”. Sure its filled with authentic Bahamian ingredients that people enjoy but I’m sorry it’s dumb, doesn’t make sense and is just plain old inedible. No ones hating, you’re just super bad at the thing you were trying to do. Bring something quality to the table and Bahamians will support the shit out of you…..or did you make a product exclusively for the art/social bubble that YOU belong to and want to call us lesser than for thinking your show sucks?

I’ll wait.

And to you pseudo facebook “celebrities” please….just stop thinking you’re…well…celebrities.

You’re not.

Here’s the formula: They post some off the wall dumb shit. For eg.

“Kids who get vaccines will die because vaccines cause cancer and will give them cancer. That’s why I never vaccinate my children. If you want your kid to die slow in his or her sleep then that’s up to you but for me and my house…..”

You get the picture.

Inevitably someone goes in their dm’s and, I’m assuming, says “Um…you know you dumb as fuck right?”. Then instead of just responding in the goddamn dm’s or just ignoring the person they write yet another goddamn epistle about how people are in their dm’s.

“WHOEVER DOESN’T LIKE MY POSTS CAN STAY OFF MY PAGE I SAY WHAT I MEAN AND I MEAN WHAT I SAY AND ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME AND MY CHILDREN SO GO TO HELL AND STOP MESSAGING ME BECAUSE I’M NOT HERE FOR THE DRAMA BECAUSE I TRY AND STAY TO MYSELF BUT PEOPLE KEEP BOTHERING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #WhoMadStayMad”

Really, nigga?

Listen I know you need attention but to what end? Listen by all means post your paragraphs and love yaself. I enjoy reading them. Between Matchew and this Trump election I’m legit enjoying how dumb some of you are.

Especially y’all Matchew people….you folks were in top form this week.

"We all need to be grateful. Stop being mad at BPL. I enjoy the heat because it means I have sweat glands. I enjoy having no light because then I can shine for my family. I enjoy having no tv because I can watch the sweat drip into my eyes and the stinging saltiness reminds me that I'm alive...."

“We all need to be grateful. Stop being mad at BPL. I enjoy the heat because it means I have sweat glands. I enjoy having no light because then I can shine for my family. I enjoy having no tv because I can watch the sweat drip into my eyes and the stinging saltiness reminds me that I’m alive….”

But listen…no, come closer.

I really want you to hear me and I don’t want to be misunderstood.

No one gives a fuck.

So post to your heart’s content. By the power of grayskull post until your chubby little fingers bleed. But just know that everyone outside of your immediate family thinks you’re Hubert Minnis dancingly crazy and are one post away from punching you in the face.

Please understand that despite my very crude and insulting comments that I truly do care about you guys not being the way you are ever again in life cause it’s not cute anymore. People, we live in New Providence. An island small enough that the Chinese could buy it with a check.

...wait

…wait

NO ONE on this island is a celebrity save those people that were born here then carried their asses to Los Angeles or NY or wherever y’all wish y’all were and presently not. We all are just trying to get by and take life one day at a time. Chances are we either went to school with you, remember you from college or will see you tonight budgeting a Pirates Republic check like the rest of us.

“Ok so Sarah had the rum and coke and I’m not paying for that shit and Carl had half my nachos so Imma need about $10 from him and Brenda…”

I’m not better than you and you’re not better than me.

Well, I take that back. I’m pretty sure a lot of you are better than me cause I’m a pretty horrible person but that’s the joy of 10th Year Seniors….save for the False God Ricardo Wells we’re ALL horrible people. But that’s what sets us apart. We don’t play nice with others, we generally don’t mess with other blogs, cliques, sects or…shit people in general. Its this freedom that gives me license to sit in my house, break down these cliques and tell every single one of them to have all the seats and know yourself. You’re stuck here like the rest of us.

Eat the cake, Anna Mae.

Stay(humbly)Woke

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