By Drew

 

Don’t look at me with that tone of voice.

You think I don’t know who Rachel Green is?

Y’all can call her Jennifer all you want but to me she will always be Rachel Green with the good hair. I remember her and Ross’s first kiss in the doorway of Central Perk. I remember when Ross had sex with the copy girl back when he thought they were on a break. I was there for every makeup and breakup that woman ever had on Friends. I loved her character and in turn I grew to love her as an actress. She seemed wholesome, innocent. She was the girl you took home to mom because she was just the best. Then just when we all thought she couldn’t get any more lovable she went and married handsome Jesus.

There’s white privilege and then there’s this…..this isn’t even fair

There’s white privilege and then there’s this…..this isn’t even fair

It was one of those things that made you believe in Hollywood and the magic therein.

Then Brad Pitt cheated on Jen with an arguably hotter but considerably sexier Angelina Jolie and the whole world was like

But in true new age sweetheart fashion Brad ended up marrying Angie, having like 28 kids and lived happily ever after….

……until the divorce announcement  a few days ago that is.

Now all these Bahamian women are celebrating the shit like karma came for this nigga. Sit your #Lemonade asses down and let me explain to y’all why you’re wrong.

First off, let’s be clear: Sweethearts have been winning for a minute now. Like legit they’ve been crushing it. I’ve been seeing so many side chicks get married that at this rate if you want to meet Mr.Right you gotta start hanging out at couples therapy sessions or Kellys on a Saturday where self hate and divorce begins.

“No no babe I definitely want to go to Kellys at the crack of fucking dawn and not have sex or happiness in my life. Also, is there a church fair with a tree we can go to so I can hang myself near Jesus?"

“No no babe I definitely want to go to Kellys at the crack of fucking dawn and not have sex or happiness in my life. Also, is there a church fair with a tree we can go to so I can hang myself near Jesus?”

It’s just a thing at this point.

During the time Angie stole Brad from Jen, sidechick victories were just starting to take off so “good girls” took real issue with it. I remember everyone saying “screw Brad Pitt”, offering to boycott his movies, saying Angie was a slut….the whole nine. But like classy good looking individuals they took it all in stride and kept making babies because, seriously, do you think he’s worried about your opinion when his wife has those lips on her?

How many times on average do we think she's heard the phrase "What that mouth do though?"

At hip hop parties how many times do we think she’s heard the phrase “What that mouth do though?”. A lot. The answer is a lot.

Oh we all felt bad for Jen. Shit…I even felt bad for her. But the question women were confused about that men knew was WHY Brad cheated.

Some of y’all are STILL confused as to why he cheated.

No it wasn’t because he wanted a goddamn Benetton commercial running around his house.

Pictured above: All her kids gathered together. It's like she was playing international human baby pokemon….and won

Pictured above: All her kids gathered together. It’s like she was playing international human baby pokemon….and won

I’m sure, had a he pushed for it, Jen would have given him handsome blonde babies. It’s because of one blaring fact that you “good girls” need to get through your heads:

Niggas just like some strange once in awhile.

(Strange = Any vagina that isn’t yours and/or that does tricks. Eg. “The Stapleton Belly yuck” or the L.W. Young “Junkanoo Tongue Parade” etc…)

Don’t get me wrong: Vagina is fun, delicious and part of a balanced meal. This is why I give the lesbian community my full support because I get it….it’s grrrrrrrreat!

a422

There’s a sweet flaky pussy(cat) joke and a Vitamin D joke ripe for the picking. However, I’m gonna take the high road and say yes….frosted Flakes are quite delicious. #Maturity #YouDontKnowMe

But ladies understand that the only reason why a lot of you are getting any dick is because you simply have a vagina. A lot of you are not as cute, smart, or fit as you think you are. You think that because a guy is over pursuing or just plain coming after you is because you’re a sophisticated lady with a lot to offer.

Lol…silly rabbit.

You were just near my body that day, fam.

So imagine when that necessary component of male ego/happiness is attached to goddamn Angelina Jolie a woman who I imagine is so horribly nasty in bed that….well…she’ll take your husband.

In your heart of hearts you people really think he left Jenny because he wanted kids? Niggas never want kids that bad. Chirren so expensive and weird. Nope. Usually we just want that strange. It just so happens that Jolie brought her A-game to the table sexually….. with all the other stuff that I guess these kids like these days like intelligence and what not.

Look how smart she is

Look how smart she is

Then, because of all that good sloppy, Brad and Angie had a few kids of their own. Meanwhile Jennifer Aniston bounced from man to man seeking what she lost in Brad. Nothing wrong with that at all. But, let’s be honest…how do you really replace Brad Pitt?

Ok…to be fair he owns a guitar and wrote "Daughters". She could have done worse

Ok…to be fair he owns a guitar and wrote “Daughters”. She could have done worse

 

 

Oh…...well..….hey, shut up! It was a weird time for her ok?!

Oh……well..….hey, shut up! It was a weird time for her ok?!

Right after the split and capture, women did what women do. They banned together and decided that pragmatic analysis of the situation was the best approach and defended both women seeing as they were consenting adults and slut shaming ANY woman on ANY level is wrong.

LOL…just kidding. They divided the world and made us all pick sides because gals.

Y'all mussy forget about all that Lemonade couple months ago aye? #Formation #GirlPower

Y’all mussy forget about all that Lemonade couple months ago aye? #Formation #GirlPower

I wanted so badly to be team Aniston but I couldn’t because I understood Brad and I also just loved to piss off my girlfriend. Sad to say but the marriage lasted 12 years, 36 kids and one breast. Most of y’all can’t keep a nigga for 12 months but out here celebrating the demise of a 12yr relationship?

Then to add stupid to injury you have the audacity to call it karma?

A man (wrongfully) cheats on his wife, finds actual love with a woman, marries her, raises a family half of which isn’t even his own. Stays with the woman for 12yrs, hits the brakes ending sadly in divorce and you call that karma?

No, kids, that’s not how karma works.

Karma is if Brad caught Angie doing the nasty dance with Ryan Reynolds.

This nigga has never had a carb in his life

This nigga has never had a carb in his life

Brad didn’t lose the war he just lost the fight. On top of that y’all realize Jennifer was never clean in this right?

I won’t claim to know the inner workings of their relationship (..as I write 2000 words WITH captioned pictures concerning their relationship.) but literally the only reason why we assume Jen is a “good girl” is because she hasn’t been caught being a bad one.

Think about it: We base most of our perceptions of people on what they show us or on what we see when really Jen was one drunken Aubrey Graham blowjob away from being in a Drake song.

With that turtle neck sweater on All he needs is some Wendy’s and some Nutella and he’s ready to go white woman hunting!

All we knew of Jennifer Aniston was that she played a quirky adorable white woman on a show about hilariously quirky white people. That’s it. We don’t know if she is a complete bitch to the poor or kicked puppies in the face because she abhors adorableness in living things.

Look at all the puppy murder in her dead eyes….LOOK AT IT!

Look at all the puppy murder in her dead eyes….LOOK AT IT!

The irony is half of y’all Team Jennifer people are either single, in a relationship that involves lots of cats/dogs, or just plain think all men are bad because you either can’t find one or don’t trust the one you’re with. Because you can’t find a nigga or got fucked over by the 2 guys you did date before your 35yr old sadness weight kicked in does not mean that you’re a good girl. It just means you’re a lonely judgey one.

Listen, I’m not condoning what Brad did. Note: What BRAD did. Absolutely it takes 2 to tango but in the end the blame is on him and him alone. HE was in a marriage.

Should Angelina have done it?  Nope.

But when has anything worth having or real ever not come from something shitty?

“I grew these in piping hot, corn filled, sweaty pig shit for you my love. Enjoy!”

“I grew these in piping hot, corn filled, sweaty pig shit for you my love. Enjoy!”

Nothing good comes from cheating. And by nothing good comes from cheating I mean sometimes awesome things come from cheating it’s just that one person ends up being Jennifer aniston and one person ends up being with Angelina Jolie.

There shouldn’t be sides to be picked. They both ended up relatively happy. In the end Brad ended up divorced and, really, name one divorce that isn’t welcomed by both parties? ALL divorces are good news because it means 2 people were honest enough to say that something is broken and move on with their lives. Real talk, it’s not like Jen still has that nigga on her mind. Have you seen her new dude?

Sure he isn’t as good looking, popular, rich, successful, well known, relevant, bearded, or considered the sexiest man on the planet at several points in his career…..but he was in Charlies Angles so there's that.

Sure he isn’t as good looking, popular, rich, successful, well known, relevant, bearded, or considered the sexiest man on the planet at several points in his career…..but he was in Charlies Angles so there’s that.

Leave Angie and Jen alone.

They are mature, consenting females that made decisions based on a man that they thought loved them at varying times in their lives that resulted both times in divorce. That’s life.

I can’t believe I’m gonna say this….Nal, forgive me: But maybe focus your energy on the fact that while y’all were arguing over team Jen vs team Angie, Brad Pitt was straight chillin.

*Trina’s “Single Again” plays loudly in the background*

Focus on how this dude dated Betty AND veronica and came out of it dick swinging like shit went well.

Archie Andrews tried for like…ever…to pull off what Bradley did and he threw them both away like so much trash and y’all STILL out here mad at Angie. Chick has like 42 kids from varying countries, she goes all around the world speaking on global issues, she’s a leading voice for feminists, fights for women’s rights…without the brother kissing and man stealing the woman is a saint.

Ya…we didn’t forget about this Angie. I mean to each his own but....you nasty

Ya…we didn’t forget about this, Angelina. I mean to each his own but….you nasty

So let’s get off of our high horses here people. Let’s celebrate the movies these people will make, and not the mistakes that they made. Besides: they’re still rich, famous and better looking than all of us. Why stress over them when your job’s a joke, you’re broke and your love life’s D.O.A. Feels like you’re always stuck in second gear and it hasn’t been your day, your week your month or even your year.

But I’ll be there for you….

Like you’re there for me too.

 

Stay(faithfully)woke

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