by SHONNY

In one of the final pre-football Sundays of the year, the world (not really, just people that enjoy talking about this stuff on social media) was tuned in to MTV for the VMA’s and it was nothing short of …terrible.

Terrible and confusing.

It was a chaotic mix of bad outfits (everyone forgot shirts), poorly timed and executed jokes and my God…the mediocre performances.The only thing (person) that saved that train wreck was the Queen (B) herself. I haven’t been this confused and entertained since I saw Sausage party last week (that shit was intense). No, seriously, I almost expected the VMAs to end in a great big orgy too.

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Spoiler alert, they totally had a food orgy at the end of Sausage Party. I kid you not

 

Let’s start with the fashion. This may be the most sacrilegious thing I’ve ever said as my greatest fear in life is having my BeyHive membership revoked – but what the hell was Beyonce wearing on the white carpet?

I understand that it’s the VMA’s and that that’s what you do, but I hated that shoulder piece. She looked like her dress was designed by that junkanoo group that’s not the Valley….yeah, those other guys. I love me some Beyonce but I was not feeling that look. Blu on the other hand looked super cute and slayed her $11,000 car…I mean dress.

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Bey is ready for Bay while little Blu slays.

 

Cassie channeled her inner Patty Mayonnaise with her orange ass tan and bright yellow hair. That paired with a  metallic pant and a blazer with nothing under it totally gave us Patty after hours.

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Doug meets Quentin Tarantino

Rihanna opened the show with a sub par performance  and went on to perform three more sets that only got progressively worse. Boy she can’t sing ….but she got Drake so, she wins.

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Trophy

Kanye came on stage and did his Kanye thing and introduced his new music video after rambling for about 10 minutes about his rich white friends and everyone coming on boats…but different boats? Yeah, I was confused too, as per usual with  Kanye. The video starred Teyanna Taylor whose body is *whew* banging and made us all feel insecure about life in general. She also recently had  a kid, so there’s that.

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Goals… in real life….or in my head because like most girls who posted those memes, tweets or statuses…I refuse to work out.

 

The video showed Ms. Taylor killing her choreo and ended with her soft core porn scene along with her generously oiled boyfriend, Iman Shumpert of the Cleveland Cavaliers. It then ends with Taylor,her boo thang and their kid in a room full of sheep but her features now resemble a lioness and now she has a….. tail? Is this how it feels to be on crystal meth? Is this that good shit Heisenberg made in  Breaking Bad? Niggas legit called this art.

 

Alicia Keys came up to present some sort of award. I was too confused by her outfit. She looked like she stepped straight off the set of Underground. She then proceeded to drop some bars on the crowd. Being “woke” at these award shows now is totally a thing. She is definitely rocking that no makeup look though. Kudos to her for doing it, but there’s no way I’m stepping out without my brows done. Ya’ll niggas ain’t gonna catch me slipping.

 

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She would kill a MUA dead before she let them beat her face again.

They should just rename the VMA’s the BMA’s . Yonce took home  trophies in 8 dfferent categories and killed her performance. She damn near performed every song on her album, Lemonade… and viewers were left to wonder, is this a Beyonce concert or is this an award show? Who we honoring again?

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She did not come to play with you hoes (none of us are quite sure what this means but we’re supposed to speak really aggressively about this)

Then came Rihanna bringing up the rear with another horrible performance. Po’ lil’ tink tink. Her saving grace was Drake presenting her with her Michael Jackson Video VanGuard award and confessing his love for her. Bih still curved him when he went in for the kiss. Ungrateful wench. I would never do you like that Drake.

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Could he be anymore perfect? (don’t debate me)

 

 

Rehashing this year’s VMAs was like coming off an intense high. The type where you’re not sure any of that happened and you remain dazed and confused for a day or two getting life together. I promise next year I will be better prepared, which just means I’ll be drunk off my ass when watching. Maybe then Desiigner would make sense and I would enjoy the show more.

All of this is moot as long as we’re blessed by a King B performance. She can do whatever she wants and we’re socially conditioned to scream “yyaasss” whenever Yonce flinches a muscle. As long as they give us that amongst this mess… we’re good.

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