By Drew

 

So it was ’01 in Halifax and I’m in love with Janice. First girlfriend of my adulthood and an exciting time for me. I was just realizing that maybe I wasn’t as ugly as I was told in high school and perhaps being a large, overgrown manchild wasn’t the worst thing on the planet.

Throwback picture of me and my ex. We were so young then.

Throwback picture of me and my ex. We were so young then.

It was the typical dance one does when they fall in love for the first time: The butterflies, the romance, the rampant disrespectful cheating, the walks in the park……you guys understand I’m sure.

 Oh the cheating part?  Oh ya…that happened.
I was all over the place like a cock with its head cut off. Or, I don’t know….a cock with a cock in a hen house.
What if this still exists because subconsciously we worship roosters for procreating and making more chicken babies because we are an island full of niggas that just love a good 3 piece? Oh sorry….didn't mean to blow all of your minds #StayWoke

What if that rooster on the highway still exists because subconsciously we worship roosters for procreating and making more chicken babies because we are an island full of niggas that just love a delicious 2 piece? Oh sorry….didn’t mean to blow all of your minds #StayWoke

See, in my mind, I was doing what I had heard all my boys do and what every guy in every barbershop claims to have done: Have multiple women and have the good one at home.
That’s standard procedure, right?
No one tells the other side of that story. The side where the girl creeps on your MSN messenger, reads the messages from one of your side pieces and breaks up with you. They don’t tell the part where you punch a hole in your apt wall because for some reason Brian McKnights “One last cry” just doesn’t seem to be sitting well with your 3rd jug of Carlo Rossi.
Or better known as "Carla Rasssi" because Bahamians

Or better known as “Carla Rasssi” because Bahamians

Oh I was bad.
It came to the point where my roommate, Joe, told me he couldn’t take another night of me crying and listening to Dwele on repeat. I didn’t get it, why the hell would she leave? I mean I cheated and wasn’t emotionally available and, through no fault of my own, treated the ones that I was loving with the same respect that I was treating the ones I was hugging….
Practice what you preach and keep sippin that Lemonade, bruh

Practice what you preach and keep sippin that Lemonade, bruh

At no point did I realize or even consider that I was the problem and that I probably fucked it up for the next guy let alone myself. I just knew I wanted my broken dysfunctional relationship back by any means necessary.
How many of us are out there?

Now before Renaldo and Dakarai blow a gasket and assume I’m writing “another pandering article for women” understand that I’m in no way separating females from their responsibility with this. Oh no….we may have created you but that takes 0% of the blame away from y’all being messed up. However….I’m man enough to admit that we’re the problem.

 Oh I’m wrong? Still think I’m pandering? Lol…ok

Exhibit A…

 cuba-MMAP-md

Remember Cuba? “Ladies of the night” in Cuba used to cost like 48 cents per pound. I’ve never been there but I’m pretty sure that’s how they charge….plus VAT I’m assuming.

 “Ok papi so I’m 120lbs so that’s $24 plus VAT and you ugly so that’s an additional 7% charge…..”

“Ok papi so I’m 120lbs so that’s $24 plus VAT and you ugly so that’s an additional 7% charge…..”

From what I hear it was only the best time ever. Niggas used to go to Cuba with $150 and come back with $100 change. Know what happened? Short version: Niggas.

 Y’all went to Cuba, saw all that light skinded, Becky with the good hair, hardly speak English so you don’t have to hear about her day or “that bitch from Accounting” bullshit and lost your minds.  You went and did what y’all accuse Bahamian women of doing and switched the game up and inevitably screwed all of us over in the process.
You know what I’m talking about. The first thing any dude in Nassau will tell any man getting ready to marry a foreigner….
“No dave seriously….don't leave her around the local women. They’re gonna throw a monkey wrench in your shit and try and give that chick “esteem” and “the truth”. No one needs that problem."

“No dave seriously….don’t leave her around the local women. They’re gonna throw a monkey wrench in your shit and try and give that chick “esteem” and “the truth”. No one needs that problem.”

Y’all niggas ruined it, not Bahamian women.
So if we can ruin pretty much every Bahamian males land of Canaan and literally hike up the price of vagina and fun in a foreign land then guys honestly…..who do you think messed it up at home?

I will NEVER claim to understand women. You’d be a fool to think you ever could. I just know that there are levels to this shit. There are…well…hoes. They are for everyone. And now-a-days that “everyone” is literally everyone cause the lesbian nation is stronger than ever now-a-days.

When have we ever seen it the way it is now? We have chicks leaving their boyfriends to get back with their ex girlfriends then somehow they end up pregnant a year later and act confused like their girlfriend did it.

“No he and I broke up in the winter so that put his sperm in a hibernation phase so now I’m just getting pregnant cause it unfroze…its science, Laura!”

“No he and I broke up in the winter so that put his sperm in a hibernation phase so now I’m just getting pregnant cause it unfroze…its science, Laura!”

Its savage times in these streets, people. So you have to treat a hoe for what they are….a hoe. Now, if you’re a male hoe and you KNOW you a male hoe….why are you trying to get with some chick with non-hoe credentials?

Hear me out.

I’m not saying people can’t change, we all can be better versions of ourselves for a battlecat that’s worth it in spite of it all. But if you KNOW you don’t mean this female any good then why take her down savage lane only to destroy her internally? Then when I meet her ass at Da Glass Kitchen on Sat morning for my after gym burger she looks at my ass like I’m the villain because you didn’t wanna just be honest and tell her you weren’t into anything more than just some sex and a thigh snack. 

“Look at him….being alive and breathing air. BET he cheating!”

See what you did?

Now I gotta actually work to break down ALL those walls JUST to see who she really is underneath it all by which point I may get to the end of that tootsie roll and realize it, not only wasn’t worth the tongue service, but she’s a horribly shitty person OUTSIDE of what you did. Something I would have known 2 weeks into the scenario but because your ass broke her down I am sexlessly 6 months deep trying to understand who the hell this girl is.

Oh I’m low-key hitting chicks on the side cause NO ONE is waiting 6 months for some mystery vag but you’re totes priority though

Then to make matters worse y’all niggas don’t know when to just take the L (Loss).

Sometimes a female can sense a dudes bullshit and just curve them. But these dudes are begging now-a-days. What part of the game is begging? Maybe it’s the 30+ year old in me but I’m a nigga where if you blue tick me once for more than a set amount of time I consider that a write off and I keep it moving. No love loss…..you just weren’t for me and that’s A-ok. But not these new dudes. Y’all straight harass these females like they owe you sex much less a date just cause they smiled at you once.

Then y’all go and get with a seasoned jungless because “the good girls ain into shit”.
Listen to me, you can not….repeat….CAN NOT separate a jungless from their natural habitat for longer than 10hrs. They get fidgety when there isn’t some drama or stabbing going on.
 “Girl I out with this weird dude who asking bout my ‘hopes and dreams’. Type shit? Girl come for me lets go punch a bitch for livin”

“Girl I out with this weird dude who asking bout my ‘hopes and dreams’. Type shit? Girl come for me lets go punch a bitch for livin”

Please give them back to the hood.
Nay.
Let the ghetto claim them because really you’d be a fool to ever think they belonged to you. Its like when animals attack their trainers in the zoo. Sure they’re trained and will jump through hoops at your command for a while but sooner than later that animal in them needs to be free and then….

Welcome to Montell Heights, bitch!

They are not now or will ever be wifey material and it behoove you not to go back to these actual matured women with that same game because you’re making us look bad. We can’t be out here feeding jungless the same thing we used to feed wifey with the good job. Leave them to their Jordan sneaker wearing cohorts.

Now I know a lot of you are tired of hearing me bash grown men that are still buying /wearing Jordans so let me break that down for you. I’m not mad at any man that can AFFORD to wear Jordans. If I win the lottery today or tomorrow do you have any idea how many pairs of flip flops I would own?

It’s no judgement.

My problem is niggas who catching the bus, can’t take care of their kid(s) and out at the bar with $22 in their pockets but rocking the freshest Jordans on earth. THEY’RE the niggas I’m referring to.

There are no careers up on that balcony, Deandre. Gotta go downstairs for that. Nice tennis though.

There are no careers up on that balcony, Deandre. Gotta go downstairs for that. Nice tennis though.

Yeah you looked good that night but please know she’s watching your moves from here on to see just what you did to afford those suckers. Then watch how fast she leaving your Jordan wearing ass for a nigga in some Keds. Also, y’all know these girls have no issue dealing with a dude you NEVER thought was her type right?

 LoL….oh you thought you were safe?

Do you know how many women I know were dating good looking dudes with money, cars, house, the whole 9 and they found their girls cheating with Captain Cornrows who is the exact opposite of you? Know why? Cause Captain Cornrows has a personallity. Its ok being successful and smart but no one wants to hear about your accomplishments and how you “ball out” all goddamn day. Be less boring.

Niggas get comfortable and forget that Nassau is full of wild animals and no one is safe in this zoo. One minute you not treating your woman right and the next minute….

That’s me snatching your girl

And stop talking so gat damn much.

 Y’all dudes out here spreading more gossip and lies than women. There was a time that that shit was reserved for beauty salons and tea parties. Now if you wanna hear some juicy gossip all you have to do is ask the security guard on your job or text your boy who all up in EVERYONE’S business. Stop being chatty Cathys. Then when you call dudes out on it they get in their feelings.

This is the highest volume of bitchassness I’ve ever beheld in my 30+ years of existence.

Really?

REALLY?

We’re messaging chicks “K” now? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for blue ticking these females and even I’ve caught myself hitting a woman with the “K”. Please understand that I’m including myself in this argument as well. I’m weird. One minute I’m blue ticking you so you’re aware I’m ignoring you and the next I’m writing epistles on how you pissed me off when you didn’t text to say you weren’t coming over anymore.

"I'm not mad, Karen. I'm just disappointed. No I'm not being a bitch ass nigga Karen I just have feelings!!!"

“I’m not mad, Karen. I’m just disappointed. No I’m not being a bitch ass nigga Karen I just have feelings!!!”- me

But both of us can’t be K’ing. Someone’s gotta have the balls to either have the conversation or calm down until you can. When did it become ok for us to throw tantrums and be all catty? By all means express how you feel and speak your mind but goddamn, son. Some of y’all niggas be hugging pillows and pouting and saying effeminate shit like “fine” and “we need to talk”. I’m not advocating hyper masculinity but….I’m saying though. Just hold your feelings inside and let it kill you slowly until your heart fails in your 50’s….you know….like a real man would.

"Show these chicks how I really feel or death? Come get me Jesus cause these hoes ain loyal!"

“Show these chicks how I really feel or death? Come get me Jesus cause these gals ain loyal!”

 

Fellas I can admit that women have changed and that they are far worse now than they ever were. Yes I know your mothers, aunts and grandmothers are saints but understand that was a different generation that was handled by a different set of dudes. Its our time now and if I can admit the majority of these chicks are trifling then you should be able to admit that we’re to blame for about 98% of em.

I'm sorry but I think some of y'all are born Hubert Minnis dancing level crazy

I’m sorry but I think some of y’all are born Hubert Minnis dancing level crazy

I know I’ve driven my share of women nuts and beyond. I’m not an easy dude to date let alone be with and I’m no stranger to lying, cheating…..the whole gambit. Guilty as charged. But fellas we need to clean up our act. Cause its all fun and games until it’s your daughter posting a video like this…

Feed her on time, eat the cooch, and support her dreams.  The rest will work itself out.

Stay (truthfully) woke

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