By Drew

Its 2016, B.P.L.

20-goddamn-16.

Why is my power STILL being turned off in the middle of the summer? No, don’t give me that look like, “Where’s our fun intro and witty generalizations about Bahamian culture that no one reads?”. No, you don’t get an intro. Its too hot for an intro. We need to get into this.

First off I didn’t even know y’all changed your name. I’m not big on the goings on in Nassau as I don’t listen to the radio, only read newspaper headlines while buying a hotdog, hot pattie and diet coke from the gas station and haven’t watched ZNS since they used to bring on “Tropical Heat” at 11pm right before the national anthem.

(I just now realized why I’ve always wanted a Jeep Wrangler in my life and now I’m a bit embarrassed.)

I remember when you were just good old Bahamas Electricity Corporation and not giving a shit but apparently y’all remixed it into Bahamas Power and Light…..and still your bag of shits is empty.

Listen, B.P.L., I could give a rats ass how electricity is made, what generator issues you may have or whatever political bullshit is surrounding this. I just want my light to be on when I get home DURING THE HOTTEST SUMMER OF OUR LIVES. Do y’all niggas know this is the HOTTEST SUMMER OF OUR LIVES? It isn’t kinda hot. This is raise the murder rate heat. People who know me know that I am horribly terrified of jail/anal rape yet the thought of murdering the guy in front of me on the dollar breakfast line who couldn’t decide if he wanted steam tuna or tuna salad while the sun was sodomizing my face, crept into my head a little too comfortably the other morning.

"Grits, Tuna, mackerel and eggs nigga! Pick one or I swear on everything I love I will kill your first born with your severed tibia!"

“Grits, Tuna, mackerel and eggs nigga! Pick one or I swear on everything I love I will kill your first born with your severed tibia!”

And this the time y’all decided to schedule 2hr blackouts? The president of B.P.L. is either cold blooded, has a generator or just plain old loves sweaty sex. I will be shocked if there are ANY children born between March and June 2017 because NO ONE is having sex in this heat.

Pictured above: Bahamian couples in the summer. Look how much sex they're not having.

Pictured above: Bahamian couples in the summer. Look how much sex they’re not having.

The irony of it is they cut the light off so you can melt and pray for death then cut it back on which forces you to immediately put your ductless on 16 degrees so you can bask in faux wintery glory in the event they do shit again. Only to then get your bill at the end of the month where they punish you for taking precautions in the event they do shit.

“Madam your bill is $22,884.98 for the month of June but we take credit cards, checks and people. No literally if you have a child able to lift 50 lbs or more that should cover half of it only you wont see them for like a year or so”

“Madam your bill is $22,884.98 for the month of June but we take credit cards, checks and people. No literally if you have a child able to lift 50 lbs or more that should cover half of it only you wont see them for like a year or so”

What makes this situation hilarious is there are ways to fix this that no one seems to care about.

Know what we have a lot of on this island?

No not sissies and marijuana, Bahamian Pastors. Settle down….geez

No not sissies and marijuana, Bahamian Pastors. Settle down….geez

Sun.

We have a shitload of sun.

Here’s an idea: Solar panels. I don’t know the math or science, I just know that in Seattle the power company pays people for power because they take in too much solar energy from their panels. I feel like our leaders are so actively stupid selfish that they would rather us be hot and keep paying exorbitant amounts just to have AC, TV and sex than for us to actually formulate a solution where the proletariat actually benefits.

“We have a plan in place to put several jonsers on hamster wheels which would create enough energy to power Palmdale for an hour or so. I used to work with Pindling so just follow me blindly for another 8 years, niggas"

“We have a plan in place to put several jonsers on hamster wheels which would create enough energy to power Palmdale for an hour or so. I used to work with Pindling so just follow me blindly for another 8 years, niggas”

But ya know what? I don’t have the facts and I am not well versed in renewable energy or ways to fix this. I’m just a sweaty ass nigga trying not to be sweaty….the nigga part I cant help. But my God how much darker y’all trying to make me? Got people out here looking like burnt toast.

And miss me with the “Dark people need love too” bullshit. I love black women the same way I love lightskin chicks. Angela Bassett can get it the same way Halle Berry could get it.

And not just any Angela Bassett.

I’m talking “Waiting to Exhale” still smelling like burnt suits Angela Bassett

Short, biggity, petty, pixie cut, probably will cut you for not acting right. Y’all sure she’s not Bahamian? #Wifey #PettyLane #ButInSpiteOfItAll #DefinitionOfAThundercat

Short, biggity, petty, pixie cut, probably will cut you for not acting right. Y’all sure she’s not Bahamian? #Wifey #PettyLane #ButInSpiteOfItAll #DefinitionOfAThundercat

Gals out here looking crispy and niggas out here looking fry dry. That’s not our original complexion is all I’m saying. I wasn’t born this dark. We don’t want much, just to watch Diners, Drive Ins and Dives and not drown in a sweaty pool of our own making.

I have a suggestion: Why not just do the blackouts between 9am and 5pm?

Hear me out.

Most of us work, right? So we really don’t care about the lights being off when we’re not home especially if you’re only cycling the time every 2 hrs or so. In fact, shut down the power for 5hrs if you need to. Do your thing, go nuts. Here’s what’ll happen: Unemployed people will have to go out into the world and actually exist. Bad children off for summer break will slow the hell down and be still cause no ones trying to run up and down in these streets with no air conditioned refuge to return to.

Which is an amazing time for them to….I don’t know…read a book or not be in the road selling cookies and juice knowing full well its too goddamn hot for simple carbohydrates right now.

Which is an amazing time for them to….I don’t know…read a book or not be in the road selling cookies and juice knowing full well its too goddamn hot for simple carbohydrates right now.

I understand that if you are retired, do shift work or called in sick that this is a nightmare for you but I don’t care, you made a decision and you will just have to sweat that shit out. Do what a friend of mine does: Go to the food store and read every single label on every single item slowly while sucking up that good quality generator powered AC.

Maybe she’s taking her time to find the highest quality groceries possible for the family she loves….. Or maybe she’s sick of their selfish shit and needs an hour away before she murders everyone in the house. We’ll never know

Maybe she’s taking her time to find the highest quality groceries possible for the family she loves….. Or maybe she’s sick of their selfish shit and needs an hour away before she murders everyone in the house. We’ll never know

Either way I know I just worked for 10 hrs and would like to come home and be comfortable.

Oh, and let me say something to you Bahamian tourists and foreign tourists. (A Bahamian Tourist is anyone who asks me to go to the beach or to a cookout any time before 8pm or after 7AM. You are obviously a shepherd for the devil and I don’t need you in my life).

148 degrees outside and you want to have a "beach day"? Block and delete me please.

148 degrees outside and you want to have a “beach day”? Block and delete me please.

I hate ALL Y’all.

Y’all were the niggas that prayed for summer. We had our little bit of breeze in January and y’all got upset because we had a “cold front”.

Real talk, Fuk y’all.

See? See what you did? Jesus and I were on good terms all winter. I mean I was praising him, loving him, giving back to my community, kissing bad gals in the mouth…..everything he said to do in his word. Now its so hot I’m looking at new gods and false idols or whoever can fix this heat.

Jesus Promised to cleanse the earth of the wicked and Odin promised to destroy all the snow giants. I have never seen a snow giant but Love and Hip Hop on their 20th season. #I'mJustSayin

Jesus Promised to cleanse the earth of the wicked and Odin promised to destroy all the snow giants. I have never seen a snow giant but Love and Hip Hop on their 20th season. #I’mJustSayin

I’m sorry, am I being overly dramatic?

If you think I’m being extra right now then you’ve probably never been through the 4 stages of “Current off”.

Stage 1: “Current off”

This is the stage where you’ve been running your ductless for about 2 hours so you’re not mad. Actually you’re patting yourself on the back like..

Good thing I had this ductless AND the fan on. In no way will this cool air dissipate before B.P.L. cuts the light back on. Everything will be A-Ok!!”

“Good thing I had this ductless AND the fan on. My phone even fully charged.  In no way will this cool air dissipate before B.P.L. cuts the light back on. Everything will be A-Ok!!”

The most you will do is suck your teeth and say, “Shit man!” but otherwise you’re good. This is the hopeful stage because deep in your heart of hearts you believe there’s a God somewhere that wont allow B.P.L. to have your light off for more than 20 minutes.

Stage 2: “Current Still off (30 minutes later)”

It hot.

You’re laying down being as still as possible because in your mind the more still you are the cooler you’ll be. Spoiler alert: That’s not true and you are now entering the 7th circle of hell. Your temper is starting to flare up and if anyone in the bed with you moves there may be a murder in the town…

“Jeffrey if you move so much as your toe again I will gut you. I swear to Jehovah I will gut you and fan myself with your still bleeding flesh!"

“Jeffrey if you move so much as your toe again I will gut you. I swear to Jehovah I will gut you and fan myself with your still bleeding flesh!”

Stage 3: “Truth and reconciliation (1-2hrs later)”

You have accepted the heat.

It’s a part of you now almost like an appendage. You’ve given up hope that the light will ever turn on and you’re pretty sure that this is just your life now. You have forgotten what breeze feels like as you’ve been outside, felt the breezeless stillness of the night, looked up to God and whispered, through sweaty/greasy lips… “Why?”.

The question is almost a prayer.

Your kids are somewhere sweating doing shit. You could care less if your spouse lives or dies. And you’re now questioning every decision you’ve ever made. You’re trying to calculate every single penny you ever spent or threw away and wondering why the hell you didn’t save your money and buy a generator.

“If I hadn’t bought that Snickers in 2001 at LiL Generals I could have had a generator right now."

“If I hadn’t bought that Snickers in 2001 at LiL Generals I could have had a generator right now.”

Stage 4: “Current On”

One can almost call it redemption and for a split second its almost like B.P.L. did you a favor. Like them cutting the light back on after an extended time was the act of a benevolent but strict Electrical Jesus that cut the current to remind you of your sins and, because of your baptism by fire, found your sweat sacrifice fitting enough to grant you your beloved fan and AC unit.

“Praise Electrical Jesus that came to take away the heat of the world!”

“Praise Electrical Jesus that came to take away the heat of the world!”

I don’t think you can truly be a Bahamian if you haven’t been through these stages.

B.P.L., do better.

At this juncture I have so little faith in our politicians let alone the entities they are supposed to monitor that I’m not even asking for them to be good at their jobs….just be lil better. That’s what its come to now. I just don’t want the light to cut off for like a day. That’s all.

One day.

I wanna go to bed and not lose my mind because of what should be a roach running down my neck but is actually a bead of sweat dripping from my neck to my back because the light went off in my sleep.

The irony is that, as we speak, I had to keep saving as I typed this out for fear that the current would go off and –

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