By Drew

 

Sigh

Ladies I hate that it had to come to this. I hate that I have to address this topic the way I’m doing it now. I would love to sit every single one of you down and tell you exactly what you’re doing wrong and try to get to the bottom of it. I’m tired of being in conversations with silent men living in quiet agony due to things they can’t control and don’t understand.

Frank wants to tell his wife that she DOES look fat in that dress…..but Frank has kids to feed and loves his life too much to lose it in the name of honesty.

Frank wants to tell his wife that she DOES look fat in that dress…..but Frank has kids to feed and loves his life too much to lose it in the name of honesty.

Oh, rest assured that men talk about this shit and way more than you think. So please know that these aren’t my words as I am merely a vessel, a harbinger of uncomfortable truths…..have a seat and lets talk, just you and I. There’s some shit I (men) need to get off of (our) my chest.

 

…y’all know these weaves looking shitty of late, right??

Imma give everyone with a weave a minute to check their hair to confirm I’m not talking about them.

Ok….I deserved that

We good?

Not you?

You can ignore this section of the sermon then.

I mean the young lady that isn’t you with the middle part of her head showing from “up under” her weave wig. Yes, I said weave wig because I don’t know the difference anymore. I saw a young lady the other day that had the back sewn in but then had glue residue on the sides and then peasy edges “up under” her weave wig.

Ladies, pick a struggle.

Lets be clear, I’m all for a weave. I know there’s a natural hair movement going on right now and all the pro black niggas want their African queens to have dreadlocks as to avoid perms…

“See how the perm is white? The white man is trying to impregnate your thoughts with his hair semen which this obviously is. #StayWoke” – Pro black niggas

“See how the perm is white? The white man is trying to impregnate your thoughts with his hair semen which he calls “perm”. #StayWoke” – Pro black niggas

I get it, a lot of y’all was permin and hot combing from 1978 and its too late. The edges have gone home to Jesus and the back of your head looks like a topographical map of Ethiopia

No as you can see, if we veer beyond what used to be a dense bush we have the South Sudan which has been devastated and all but ruined....

Now as you can see, if we veer beyond what used to be a dense bush we have the South Sudan which has been devastated and all but ruined….

Listen, I have a black mother and black females in my family, I know the struggle. I know you kinda have to wear the weave wig….I’m just saying can ya spend that extra $100? I don’t even know what that extra $100 will do exactly, I just know a lot of y’all need some more money to finish whatever the hell your hairstylist started.

Because niggas holla and “seek” at you doesn’t mean that we don’t notice the mammalian growth on your head slowly losing its grip. Its just that niggas love vag THAT much. Yes ladies, we are literally that one track minded. Any dude that tells me they wont bang Serena Williams regardless of her notoriously bad weave wigs is either gay or dickless.

Yes her head looks like an overused mop but that body, man....

Yes her head looks like an overused mop but that body, man….

We don’t care.

But AFTER we hit, trust me we’re mentally cutting you down and making life decisions like..

“Ya she cool, smart, good job, amazing mother and can cook some bomb food but I mean your weave gotta look like this on a MONDAY though?”.

That’s like me not getting a shape up for 2 months and trying to get laid. Wont happen.  Whoever wins the next election, if I can get 10,000 niggas to sign a petition can we please spend just 1/8th of the carnival money on a weave wig charity fund? Those who need it can anonymously come and get their weave wig and those that can afford the good stuff won’t have to bother. Everyone wins! Thankfully me and mine don’t have that problem…

L. Boogie with the good hair #AllTypeEdges #WhoMadStayMad

L. Boogie with the good hair #AllTypeEdges #WhoMadStayMad

Also, can we talk about y’all makeup?

Yes I know Independence is this weekend so I’m looking forward to all the high yellows and weird blues that y’all will most certainly decorate your eyes and cheeks with. But can we just agree that y’all take some of that contouring shit too far? How are you asking for me to give my all, be honest, loyal, committed and never lie or cheat when your whole face looks like Peter denying Jesus? You can’t claim Jesus when you don’t believe in the face he gave you.

To be fair this picture of white Jesus has his makeup game on point….I see why Peter was hatin

To be fair this picture of white Jesus has his makeup game on point….I see why Peter was hatin

To be fair, not everyone’s skin is perfect and sometimes a little face magic is needed to hide the imperfections. I like a good makeup job within context. But some of you ladies have takin the shit too far. I’ll put it like this: If, after you’ve done your make up, your face and neck aren’t the same color then we have a problem.

Understand that its 2016 people, we don’t know who the dudes are from the women anymore. You’re trying to tell me you just happen to be 6ft 1 in FLATS and have a perfect contour?

Lol…Bye.

Please don’t get this twisted: I understand that makeup is an art form and 11 times out of 10 you’re not even putting on makeup for me its to show other women “how this thing go”. I 100% get it and by all means go flex on em. Women putting on makeup and flexing in public is the same as men in fitted shirts…..flexing in public. Ever see 2 fit guys meet each other? GUARANTEED it’s a flex off happening.

You would have to fight and kill a lion with your bare hands to be more masculine than this

So I get it, chick with the nicest eye shadow or the most expensive lipstick wins. Just know that we care about whats under all that make up and could care less about the impossible beauty standards that society has put on you.

Lol. JK…I need you to look good so niggas know I’m hittin a pie. Just don’t overdo it is all I’m saying. Speaking of overdoing it…

Will you please stop pretending like you aren’t promiscuous?

Ladies, we know.

No, don’t turn away, look at me.

We know.

I know about the time you blew a guy under the bridge cause you had way too much tequila and too few friends to tell you that you probably shouldn’t blow a guy under the bridge at night because murder. Hey, its fine. I feel like y’all think that when we have sex with you and you pull out all your little dips and tricks that we’re thinking, “Boy she sure is good at sex considering she said she only had 3 boyfriends”.

Really, nigga?

You’re in your 30’s and only had sex with 3 dudes? You REALLY think I believe that after that thing you did with your tongue that made me go in the fetal position and say the Lords prayer? Not only do I know you got around and not only do I not care….I’m GRATEFUL for all those other niggas.

“…and Lord thank you for her ex LiL Tino. I still cant feel anything below my waist and for that I ask you to bless him.”

“…and Lord thank you for her ex LiL Tino. I still cant feel anything below my waist and for that I ask you to bless him.”

That’s right ladies, we check the hoe-fax.

Every single time you meet a dude trust me he goes in the group chat on Whatsapp and sends out the bat signal to find out who you are, who you had sex with and just how nasty you should/could be.

Niggas talk.

You’re into girls too? Yip, we know. We even know the type of girls you like. Whether you’re into fems or into the hyper masculine ones. If the former then we know its ok to make a pass at you. If the later then we leave that shit alone cause those butch chicks have a point to prove and I don’t feel like being in Thursdays newspaper.

For what they may lack in dick they make up for with guns and mens jeans

For what they may lack in dick they make up for with guns and mens jeans

No judgement over here babygirl….bring all that freaky stuff. Lets just not pretend like this is your first rodeo if its your 91st is all I’m saying. We’re all grown and who among us hasn’t had a one night stand using a Bambu condom after a drunken night out?

Lastly, ladies, get over the weight issues. Now this is a tricky subject as I’m torn with the underlying “weight war” that’s going on in the world right now. All of a sudden there’s fat shaming, skinny shaming, fit girl shaming, ass implants, boob implants etc etc. Listen, I’m not saying that if you’re morbidly obese you shouldn’t pursue a healthier lifestyle. I mean….that’s just common sense so you don’t…you know….die. I’m also not saying that skinny girls with no ass or breasts to speak of also don’t deserve love. What I am saying is that there is someone out there for everyone so if you DO run up on a guy that loves you for you then please….let him love you.

I see so many of you get caught up in these magazines and episodes of Love and Hip Hop that you forget how gorgeous you really are. You have to know all those Love and Hip Hop women spent thousands of dollars to be what they are. I’m not even sure if all of them are even female at this point.

Pictured above: Not a man

Pictured above: Not a man

You’re beautiful as is.

Now, if you want to cut a few pounds for you to feel better or because you want to be healthier then by all means, go walk or workout or lift some weight. Shit, I’ll come with you. But please rest assured that no heterosexual man is going to not have sex with you over some stretchmarks and a baby gut. You’re 38 with 4 kids and a mortgage….no ones expecting you to be Meagan Good at this point.

More like Meagan Great....Am I right? #ThunderCat #LoveYouBabes

More like Meagan Great….Am I right? #ThunderCat #LoveYouBabes

The old adage holds firm, ladies: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Dakarai has a type, so does Ricardo and so does Randy. We didn’t question it when Renaldo married a witch because even they need love.

Uh Oh….hope her weave wig doesn’t fall out…..again

Now…that said….

Ladies if you know you not 100lbs then please don’t try and fit your more than 100lb body in 100lb clothes. I’m not saying you’re fat….the clothes are saying you’re not small is all.

In all honesty half the time the female ISN’T fat, its just they squeeze their lives into 10inches of used to be pants that has suddenly become a pencil skirt, and then come out the house with an attitude like they KNOW they’re the shit.

Look at me….you’re not.

You don’t think I wanna dress like other dudes and wear the fitted button ups with no undershirt cause skinny niggas don’t sweat? I’d love to! Problem is I’m 300lbs and I would literally look like the hulk in kids clothes.

 “Sorry madam….would you have this in a not medium perhaps?"

“Sorry madam….would you happen to have this in anything bigger than medium perhaps?”

I know how to hide and cover my love handles and belly fat thanks to rabid insecurity and the Old Navy Big and Tall section. So if I can maintain a healthy level of awareness can we just agree that a lot of you females are wearing clothes that are too small with egos that are too big? There is NOTHING in this world sexier than a woman who knows her proportions and dresses accordingly. And that goes from skinny to chunky. Know yourself, respect yourself and lets stop pretending like skinny jeans are for us.

"Dont!" *Bryson TIller voice*

“Dont!” *Bryson TIller voice*

I’m glad we can be this open and honest with each other, ladies. Let’s try and get our shit together because the world is looking at us and the least we can do is look good while still living on this 3rd world rock we call home.

Yours, truly….

 

Stay (aesthetically) woke

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