By Drew

 

If your timeline looked anything like mine on Tuesday then you’re probably shocked as hell as to how the “No” vote happened. My timeline was littered with people showing their non-manicured thumbs and proclaiming their “Yes” votes. I’ll be honest, I just started giving a shit about this last week when I heard about it. I can admit, like the rest of the men on this island, I suffer from male privilege and had no idea how important this issue was for Bahamian women. I’m not a female so I was unaware of how frustrating the results of this vote inevitably made them feel. The only “womanish” things about me are my weird obsession with the musical stylings of Anita Baker and my daily use of Secret deodorant.

I constantly look like I have a poodle in a headlock but I always smell like a government school kids neck: Powdery and fresh

I constantly look like I have a poodle in a headlock but I always smell like a government school kids neck: Powdery and fresh

With the no vote came one resounding question: Who the hell voted no and why the hell WOULD they vote no? Well ladies and gents I’m here to fill you in on who is behind us remaining in the stone age.

 

Niggas

A lot of you read that and automatically assumed that I meant “ghetto folk”. No no….I mean niggas in the broad sense. See y’all think that only uneducated Bahamian men voted no. Not the case. Niggas everywhere voted no. Niggas in suits, executive niggas, well read niggas and even niggas who you know and love(ed).

As Richard explained to his girlfriend why he voted no, Barbara could feel her vagina literally sewing itself shut as she whispered "...this nigga"

As Richard explained to his girlfriend why he voted no, Barbara could feel her vagina literally sewing itself shut as she whispered “…this nigga”

Don’t get me wrong, dumb niggas voted no as well but we expected them to do that just like we expect them to not read and have adult cornrows.

Over 30, hand tattoo AND Cornrows? Dude is actively unemployed

Over 30, hand tattoo AND Cornrows? Dude is actively unemployed

But Tuesday a lot of you discovered that the guy you were dating, married  or related to was actually….well, a nigga. Now you’re questioning everything he’s ever said to you after/during sex.

"What did he mean when he said 'Whose is it?' during sex last night? Does he think he owns me since he voted no?"

“What did he mean when he said ‘Whose is it?!’ during sex? Does he think he owns me since he voted no?”

Whats hilarious about it is not only did they vote no but they ADMIT it.

Listen, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and can vote however they feel, that’s what democracy is about. But if you’re trying to get laid by any intelligent, free thinking female on this island this is not the time to air out why you think they don’t deserve the same rights you have for simply being born with a penis. But hey, if sexy time with females doesn’t matter to you in the slightest then please feel free to spread your contrarian hate fest all over Facebook and Snapchat, my friend.

No judgment here.

Meanwhile, niggas who voted Yes are like…

48ed2353018bde632a956de067ceca6596880a5e088041b4152cccecb487f3c3

 

Jungless

I have 5 jungless on my facebook.

No that’s not an estimate, I have 5.You also know how much jungless you have on your page because once a week or so you visit their pages just to see what ratchet ass shit they posted today. I’m lying? When a murder or fight happens anywhere on the island who’s the person on your timeline that ALWAYS has the video?

I’ll wait.

EXACTLY….its the chick who doesn’t have her real name listed and has a bunch of weird shit surrounding it and or refers to herself as Empress, queen, Mrs (insert Boyfriend/Husbands name to ward off other Jungless) or just a cocktail of words, phrases, parts of the anatomy and or cars.

~Lakeisha Benz Punany LiL JayKwon Mommy '86 Dont Pull No Scene Rolle ! ~

~Lakeisha Benz Punany LiL JayKwon Mommy ’86 Dont Pull No Scene Rolle ! ~

They voted no because their boyfriend told them to and the vote yes people gave them pamphlets with “too much reading and big words”. As far as they’re concerned they like things as is. As long as they can sip on their Hennessy and cran without being disturbed they really don’t see the issue here.

Also they didn’t vote….which is more or a less a no anyway.

Oh but they will definitely go on social media and discuss the thing they didn’t vote for, forming arguments they themselves don’t understand with words they cant spell on a laptop outside using internet they don’t own and leave you reading it like..

“I don’t wan my chirren in no cuntry where sissies an pedofiles an molestationers rapin and prayin on the youts becaus Lil Jaykwon daddy wuld kill a punk if dey fuk roun an das why I wote no to da siissies dem an who don like it argu wit ya ma!!!!!!!”

“I don’t wan my chirren in no cuntry where sissies an pedofiles an molestationers rapin and prayin on the youts becaus Lil Jaykwon daddy wuld kill a punk if dey fuk roun an das why I wote no to da siissies dem an who don like it argu wit ya ma!!!!!!!”

Guys you cant fault a jungless for…..um….junglessing.

As much as it was your right to vote no so was it hers to either not vote or vote no because sissies. I respect both arguments. I find hers backwards and confusing much like her not-pregnant beer belly but who am I to judge?

 

Christians

Ah yes, the soldiers of the Vote no. These people were so hyped to get in that polling booth and do their pastors saviors bidding that they couldn’t wait until Tuesday. I haven’t seen Christians this excited since they marched for the murder rate, the declining quality of our education system, our rampant issues with pedophilia and how poorly our teachers and nurses are paid.

Wait....

Oh….Well the Christian Council is probably busy deciding which movies we’re allowed to watch and the “building fund”.  #Priorities

At least the niggas mentioned above read and understood what they were voting for but these people just heard their pastor scream “Vote No!” and it was a wrap.

I get it.

He told them the gays were coming to steal their kids, rape their husbands and do weird finger things to their wives if they didn’t vote no. That’s scary shit. But he forgot to tell them that there were another 3 bills that had nothing to do with homosexuals and their sinfully progressive sense of fashion.

“Satan I command you to loose this boy of his gay clothes and put him back in his polo shirt and FUBU Jeans the way Jesus intended!!"

“Satan I command you to loose this boy of his gay clothes and put him back in his polo shirt and FUBU Jeans the way Jesus intended!!”

These people skipped the entire section about not eating bacon and getting stoned for not being a virgin and you think they won’t skip the first 3 bills just to vote no for the 4th?

 

Gals

I’m sorry ladies but I gotta put most of this blame on you. Obviously not you folk that voted. I’m talking about all those females that were “in formation” a few months ago now on Facebook talking about how, “Men and women are not meant to be equal cause who’s gonna change my tire when y’all vote yes? SMT” (#NailedIt)

Ya…her. Or as a female friend of mine refers to them, “that bitch”.

She is the same as the aforementioned “Nigga” in that she’s educated, presumably intelligent and is holding down a pretty good job.

“I have a Masters degree in Business Law and Aggressive Self Hate”

“I have a Masters degree in Business Law and Aggressive Self Hate”

Its just worse cause she’s actually voting against herself for reasons that defy logic. These are the females who smile when you’re losing your actual mind trying to convince them otherwise because they love the attention and get off on just how mad they can make another human being. Then when you’re about to explode or punch them in the uterus they hit you with the “…but why are you so angry? I’m entitled to my own opinion” with a shit eating grin on their face.

She eats pretentious fruits like peaches and speaks with an American accent even though everyone is fully aware she grew up in Bain Town and went to the states like twice.

“You spent like 3 days in Orlando, Karen….how do you possibly have an accent already?”

“You spent like 3 days in Orlando, Karen….how do you possibly have an accent already?”

She thinks she’s better than everyone else and thinks this island is the worst. She’s just waiting for her foreign white (man) in shining armor to arrive to sweep her off her feet so that they can move to his country WHERE SHE WOULD HAVE EQUAL RIGHTS.

Damn it, Karen!!!

Look at the bright side: Now you have a valid reason to hate her and fart on her lunches forever. Good for you!

 

Non Voters

Moment of honesty: I didn’t vote.

Now before the 8 of you reading this damn near break your fingers to blow me up in the comments section for being a hypocrite, understand that I didn’t vote because I wasn’t registered to vote due to the fact that I missed the March 25th cut off point. Also I didn’t vote in the last election so……there’s that. Had I voted I would have voted yes and I gave strict instructions to Dakarai to vote twice if he could without getting in trouble. Alas for fear of his general safety given that his clothing is never not form fitting he declined and only voted once.

2 degrees, gainfully employed ass nigga wearing a backpack in some man made hippie forest. Who he scarin?

2 degrees havin, gainfully employed ass nigga wearing a backpack in some man made hippie forest. Who he scarin?

But how many “Andrews” were out there?

Thousands I imagine.

Those of us that didn’t vote in the general elections and didn’t really care about this topic until a week ago. Also, to be clear, I only just started caring about this because my mother, a woman who thinks the word “Flippin” is a curse word, sat me down and told me she was voting yes to ALL of the bills.

If it mattered to the smartest, most intelligent woman I know then who was I to ignore it? Right in front of me was a huge growing problem that I was aware of but chose to ignore.

...Oops

…Oops

I remained blissfully ignorant to all of it.

I don’t listen to the radio or read the newspapers outside of the headlines and whichever not fat female model the punch puts on page 3. I depend on angry Facebook people to tell me my news then I go and research it and get angry or indifferent accordingly.

So no, I cant stand on a soapbox and judge any of these people on this list. Do I agree with any of them? Nope…none. But I am just as bad as all of them and possibly worse because I’m guilty of the sin of inaction. I did not stand during the 2012 elections and ignored the too long plight of women in this country until it was too late.

I regret that.

Earlier I stated that I was guilty of male privilege and I meant it. Often times I’m so busy thinking about vagina and how delicious it is that I sometimes forget that the thundercat that owns it could possibly be living in a day to day reality that makes my own look like a cake walk.

Classic Andrew

Classic Andrew

Now, don’t confuse me, I think its just as hard being a man as it is being a woman. Your stresses, pains, hurts, annoyances and feelings matter JUST as much as mine. I don’t cater to that “women have it harder” nonsense. However, when it comes to situations like this, I’m sorry…..women have it harder.

Listen carefully male “no” voters: If you voted no then you literally said “women should not have the exact same rights I have”.

Period.

That’s all it boils down to and if that’s how you feel then Godspeed, my nigga. But I want to have a daughter one day….I hope to at least. And I want little Diana Shiera Optimus Prime Xena Bain to have the exact same rights as any man, whatever boy demon Renaldo and Sannie hatch or the Harambe kid.

I’m sorry the kid got gorilla dragged but real talk he looks bad as shit #JustSayin

I’m sorry the kid got gorilla dragged but real talk he looks bad as shit #JustSayin

This vote was bigger than us and I regret not being a part of it. But we live in a democracy and the people have spoken. All we can do is move forward. Next election rest assured I will be voting may it be for Perry Christie who just spent a million dollars for Bahamians to do his job for him, or Hubert Minnis who I’m 100% sure thinks “The Referendum” is the name of a members only brothel out Lyford Cay.

I’m reminded of a stanza by poet John Boyle O’Reilly:

‘HOW shall I a habit break?’

As you did that habit make.

As you gathered, you must lose;

As you yielded, now refuse.

Thread by thread the strands we twist

Till they bind us neck and wrist;

Thread by thread the patient hand

Must untwine ere free we stand.

As we builded, stone by stone,

We must toil unhelped, alone,

Till the wall is overthrown.”

 

Stay (Equally) Woke

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