By Drew

 

Define Hero. Some would say it’s the man or woman that makes a hard choice and acts on behalf of his fellow man. Others would say that it’s the selfless actions of the strong in defense of the weak. And yet some may comment that a hero is whoever decided to make the Downtown McDonalds 24hrs on Fridays and Saturdays

Pearly gates or golden arches? Same thing after the 12th vodka and cran to be honest.

Pearly gates or golden arches? Same thing after the 12th vodka and cran to be honest.

Yes I know the stories of the Lynden Pindlings, Milo Butlers, Sir Arthur Foulkes etc. I am more than grateful to them for all they’ve done. I would be SO much more grateful if I got days off in their honor though.

Thanks for throwing that mace out the window but can a nigga get a long weekend like mid November?

Thanks for assisting your boy Lynden by throwing those hour glasses out after he tossed out the mace, but can a nigga get a long weekend specifically in your honour like in mid November?

As usual I am here to speak on behalf of the little man. I once again will raise the flag of the proletariat and give praise to a few unsung Bahamian heroes.

 

Wendy’s Drive Thru Staff

Why y’all so fast?

I used to assume that the Mackey St location was the fastest until I was 15 cars deep on the Marathon line and them chicks had me served in like 6 minutes.

Welcome to Wendys.....get your mind right for this fast ass service, playboy!

Welcome to Wendy’s…..get your mind right for this fast ass service, playboy!

The irony of it is the customer service is deplorable and as much as we as a nation love to complain you bet your ass we let them live. NO ONE complains about Wendy’s customer service. Know why? Cause their efficiency is more important than shiny teeth and proper diction.

I know you just said sauches instead of sausage but that was fast as hell so have a good day, boo boo.

I know you just said sauches instead of sausage but that was fast as hell so have a good day, boo boo.

Its to the point that they get angry when you take too long. Ever got to the first window and didn’t have your change ready and the chick at the second window sticks her head out cause you making them slower? That happened to me the other day and I apologized. I was legit sorry…damn near forlorn that I caused them to be less than what they were.  I trust them so much that when I see someone taking long at the window I just know in my heart that its not their fault but the fault of the idiot who either didn’t have their money right or wanna switch the order last minute.

I trust them more with my number 6 with cheese than I do any female with my heart.

“Sasha, I want to trust you the way I trust Blendaquisha from Wendys, Village road but we’re just not there yet. I’m sorry.”

“Sasha, I want to trust you the way I trust Blendaquisha from Wendy’s, Village road but we’re just not there yet. I’m sorry.”

Ladies, I don’t know what threat to your jobs/kids they made or what Chinese army base they trained you in. Just please know that I recognize you, I’m grateful for you and I salute you!

 

Jonsers (of the car washing variety)

Dakarai went out this weekend to Suits. He drank and partied for 3 days straight and when he was done he was a mess. Any sane person would consider this feat and call him a legend, a man among boys.

Not I.

I know a man named Kenneth who has been drunk since I was 6 and he will not only wash your car for $3 and a sweet soda but he has a body like the statue of David.

Ask your doctor if being homeless and developing a crippling crack addiction is the right fitness plan for your life!

Ask your doctor if being homeless and developing a crippling crack addiction is the right fitness plan for your life!

Fantastic conditioning and substance abuse aside…these niggas can wash a car.

Ok, that’s not true.

They don’t really wash your car so much, as my cousin Kenny always says, “I just want them to take the dirt off of it”. And not only will they get the dirt off but they will do it with 1 bucket of very suspect (probably peed in) water. One shirt/rag/dried human skin. And a container of Joy that is never not almost empty.

This is like gold to them.....also crack. Crack is like gold to them as well so....

This is like gold to them…..also crack. Crack is like gold to them as well

And they will wash your car for any price you name.

Don’t let them fool you.

Initially they will give you some already too cheap price but there isn’t a jonser on this island that wont wash your vehicle for $5 and $1 cigarette if they do a good enough job. I have a system I like to use: I base my payment on how foul they smell. If a jonser is just boisey then I’ll pay 85-90% of the asking service price. But if you smell like you sat in pig shit and bathed in the long dead carcasses of several potcakes then no….you will get paid whatever change I have in my cars coin holder.

"I got $2.68 and a Bon Jovi greatest hits cd with your name on it, bruh. Your move"

“I got $2.68 and a Bon Jovi greatest hits cd with your name on it, bruh. Your move”

Now lets not get this confused, I’m not a tyrant. If I see a jonser who legit is trying to get out of that life and do something for themselves then I’ll gladly pay his price….more even.  But if you are obviously tripping off bathsalts and more or less in Narnia when you peddle your services to me and just need money to get another high then no. I’ll give you just enough for you to get something to eat or pay you in food.

So, on behalf of myself and like minded individuals who are all, like me, going to hell for financing your drug/alcohol addiction….Thank you! You are appreciated.

 

Girls who post honest pictures on Facebook

Look at you….keeping it 100. Sure you could have posted a pic of yourself at a flattering angle with a filter in the bathroom with the good lighting.

But you didn’t.

You posted that pic of you at Suits sweaty, drunk and being unapologetically you. Babygirl I applaud you! So many women are out here taking breathtaking head shots of faces far too slim in contrast to their true body size or faces far too made up to the point of deception. I just learned this week that the proper term for good makeup face magic is getting your face “beat”….

They put makeup and a dress on the devil and Nal married her. Thats how powerful a "beat" face is, people!

They put makeup and a dress on the devil and Nal married her. That’s how powerful a “beat” face is, people!

I’m seeing a lot of girls on FB and (apparently) on Instagram posting pics with the caption,  “I woke up like this”.

LoL….no you didn’t.

You woke up ugly and disappointed in yourself like the rest of us. Shit, Beyonce coined the phrase and you see where it got her Lemonadey ass.

She woke up like this....also note that she woke up alone. So there's that.

She woke up like this….also note that she woke up alone. So there’s that.

Thank you for being yourself.

You could have duckfaced and pretended you had lips but naw….you smiled pleasantly like the goddamn 30 yr old you are. You didn’t “suck it in” either. You realized that only bitch niggas wouldn’t not date you cause of a little belly cushion and only hating females would comment on the same. While some other women were taking pictures at dusk talking about “#Jogging, #FitLife, #BeastMode”…..you changed your Facebook status to “Watching Scandal reruns on Netflix”, and hastagged that bitch “#WineAndChill, #NoNewFriends #JogToThisCouch”

Here we see a female that is pleasantly out of fucks.

Here we see a female that is pleasantly out of fucks.

Never change, gorgeous.

That guy in your dm’s wont leave you at Outback alone at the bar after claiming he was going to use the KFC restroom across the street when secretly he’s leaving because he was mad at your lying ass FB pic. Nah. He’s gonna stay because he knew what he signed up for and got exactly that.

Thank you for being honest.

Go ahead and take a selfie with your thick thighs and a glass of wine. Be imperfect and let the world see how perfectly flawed you are #NoFilter. I got stretchmarks too, love.  Wanna get some crab legs later?

Thank you for not filtering/photoshopping. Thanks for being you…..much appreciated.

 

Imperial Staff/Owners

It would be easier for me to explain cold fusion to a Sandilands patient than it would be to express my gratitude for what Imperial has done for me and the people I love.

But I’ll try.

How many lives have you saved?

How many people were drunk beyond measure and that fish burger with cheese with extra onions sucked up just enough liquor to get them home safely?

How many budgets were left intact because a nigga only had 5 dollars and change and somehow he was able to get a combo with a cold Ritz soda?

HOW MANY?!

Doctors Hospital, Princess Margaret Hospital, Imperial….wheres the lie?

Doctors Hospital, Princess Margaret Hospital, Imperial….wheres the lie?

So many memories were made in that downtown location. I remember my boy Joe and I were leaving Bluenotes (back when It was at King of Knights) and we were drunk out of our minds. Got to Imperial and I ordered 2 fish burgers with cheese and Joe had a thigh snack with extra fries.

A fight broke out outside, some jonser was inside smelling like death, a homeless couple was having sex in the booth behind me and some thuggish type gentleman, in shades at 3am, kept glaring at me with L.W. Young eyes and Kemp Road intentions. But, alas, the Imperial cashier said there was only 5 more minutes on our order….there was no choice to make. There was no “moment of truth”. The rapture could come and I still would have been like….

Just hold on, we're going home

“….just hold on, we’re going home”

You cant say you’ve really partied on this island and not woken up to Imperial either in your car, in your fridge or on your bed.

For my foreign readers, don’t confuse me: If you come to Nassau and want to catch a bite then I would suggest you not eat there when the sun is up. Notice how empty Imperial always is during the day. Only people who have given up on life and and simply run out of shits to give eat imperial sober and/or in the light of day.

Imperial is the last bad decision you make before you get home and the regret kicks in.

Horribly scented regret

Horribly scented regret

Going to Imperial in the day is like cuddling with a prostitute: That’s not what they’re there for.  Go out, get drunk, go to Imperial, make a memory.

To the staff and owners of Imperial, from the bottom of my heart and from the depths of my soul thank you….see you soon.

 

Whatsapp

Yes, I know whatsapp isn’t necessarily “Bahamian” but shut up it is kinda. Remember when people used to buy minutes? Like legit would go out, buy minutes and….like…..call people.

 “OMG SOMEONE IS CALLING ME…….WHO DIED?!?!?!”

“OMG SOMEONE IS CALLING ME…….WHO DIED?!?!?!”

There used to be darker times when you had to…..*gasp*….pay for texting. I remember texting girls and making financial decisions based on just how much I needed them in my life. You really knew back then what you meant to someone if they texted you multiple times.

"Bro she spent 10cents just to send me a smiley face. She wants the D!"

“Bro she spent 10 cents just to send me a smiley face. She wants the D!”

Then Whatsapp happened and everything changed. Now niggas have just enough minutes to renew their data plan…..plus VAT.

Remember when Perry Christie was like, “Bahamar will be open in like 5 days, guys!”

And y’all were like, “K”.

And then nothing happened but we had a lot of fun at Junkanoo Carnival last weekend?

Oh you forgot about $2 Billion dollar resort that’s just sitting there?

I bet you remember when BTC hinted they were maybe gonna charge for whatsapp though…

Pretty much every Bahamian household that day when they heard the news……VIA WHATSAPP

Oh but there were scarier times…like when the blue tick came out and, niggas especially, almost lost their minds.

Women everywhere rejoiced because FINALLY they could catch this nigga slippin. But then whatsapp was like…

"Chill....I got you, fam"

“Imma make that shit optional. Chill….I got you, fam”

Balance restored.

Whatsapp had our back so heavy that they not only protected us from our side pieces and girlfriends, they kept our convos secret from the FBI, my nigga.

Let that sink in.

Best friends and family out here screenshotting and sharing conversations and pictures just cause you owe them money and meanwhile Whatsapp is protecting us from the goddamn federal government…FOR FREE.

I’m sorry but y’all could post your Steve Harvey and Tyrese love quotes all you want, I know what true love is.  Truly love gave me the option of a timestamp. It told me it was ok if these gals don’t know I read their message and ignoring them. It encrypted my heart and took a screenshot of my soul..

…and now I know why the caged bird sings

For all that you’ve done and continue to do…..thank you!

 

And to the heroes that have gone far too soon….

In Memoriom:

Royals

Chicken Unlimited

Tony Romas (The place for ribs)

KFC Village Road

3 for $5.50 Kalik Golds

Single Nal

Berthas Ribs (Prince Charles)

Conchy Joe Jonser who used to be by COB with the weird arm but found Jesus/Sobriety and now is super rich and totes healthy

Pirates Pub

Bahama Joes

#NeverForget

Stay (thankfully) Woke

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