By Drew

 

I don’t like Beyonce.

Know the last time I started an article like this? I was talking about Sancheska Scorpion woman with no soul Dorsett. That fact alone should tell you the gravity of my disdain for Beyonce. Lets be clear, I think she is an amazing performer, she has one of the best voices in pop and R&B and she is gorgeous.

No really, she’s beautiful.

She had a baby with Jay Z for Christ sake and look at what she made

This child redefines the term “against all odds”

This child redefines the term “against all odds”

No one is denying how great she is. But I don’t like Beyonce. Why? Because I think she’s a half measure. See back in the day when women, especially pop stars, sang about love and loss you knew there was SOME shred of truth behind their music. Mary J Bliges first 6 albums was her working out her horrible domestic issues.

Only women who been abused dance like this. Thats fact

Not Beyonce. She blatantly lies to women through her music and I find the Bahamian Beyhive to be the most ridiculous when they defend her foolishness. Anyone who knows me knows this article has been a long time coming and now with the release of  “Lemonade” I’ve had just about enough of this horse shit…….its time to air y’all asses out.

First off stop calling yourself a goddamn Beyhive. Y’all 30. Seriously? You’re reading this right now in fact and would rather be napping, at Studio Cafe having a glass of wine or somewhere not disappointing your parents. Imagine if I was repping LeBron James, wearing all his gear and walking around Nassau like shits sweet. That level of douche can only be cured with dick cancer.

The not gay for LeBron starter kit

The not gay for LeBron starter kit

Y’all rap on men all the time for being too extra with sports/athletes but you ladies think its ok to, in public mind you, call yourselves a Beyhive? Cut it out. You have a mortgage and a whole childs school fees to pay and this is not the time to be wrong about everything concerning this Lemonade situation.

Oh, ya……ALL of you are wrong about this Lemondae sitation. My bad, I thought y’all realized that by now.

Lets assume that this situation isn’t the most genius marketing ploy of our time (which in itself infuriates me). You ladies realize Beyonce took the L right? So you’re trying to tell me Jay Z cheated on her with “Becky with the good hair” who, we’re assuming, is Rachel Roy…

Beyonce out here with $1200 braids while “Becky” woke up like this…..but I digress #TeamRayRoy

Beyonce out here with $1200 braids and a full staff to make her look like sense meanwhile “Becky” woke up like this? Shiiiiiiiiiiiit #TeamRayRoy #GoodHairDontCare

Jay Z got caught cheating by Bey, reprimanded violently by Solange in an elevator then Beyonce penned an entire album about the affair, how mad she was and HOW SHE’S STAYING WITH THE NIGGA THAT CHEATED. Then, to cap it all off, the album comes out on his streaming service which he collects revenue from. Um ladies, I know we fighting for equality at the moment and I hate using this type of language but….Jay Z more or less just pimped Beyonce out right in front of your faces.

Best keep dancing, Bey cause I doubt chap stick for Jigga comes cheap.

And know what y’all did? Know what your brilliant retaliation was? To slut shame the wrong female cause y’all don’t spellcheck.

Martin Luther King Jr didn't die for y'all to be this dumb

Martin Luther King Jr didn’t die for y’all to be this dumb

And yes, Bahamian women, y’all were the worst of them all. You know how many Bahamian females I heard declaring, “He gone cheat on her with the gal from Food Network. Too like white woman!”.

Sigh

Ladies if Jay Z cheated and this was the outcome then congrats to Jay Z for pulling off the greatest jedi mindtrick of all time. Trust me, while y’all were out here cursing out the wrong white woman and buying Beyonces album, your boyfriends and husbands were scratching their heads and wondering what happened to the “to the left to the left” ?

Oh y’all thought we forgot?

Wasn’t it just a couple years ago that Beyonce was telling some random nigga to carry his ass out her house for, I assume, doing far less than boning Rachel Roy? Then to top it all off Bahamian women everywhere were losing their minds and legit obeying her. I fully understood the power of music when I saw how many women used that song to gas them into leaving niggas. You dumped your dude for “not communicating” meanwhile she stayed with hers after he hit a far hotter and way less annoying female. But Yonce, right?

“I can't be with a man that hasn’t accepted Beyonce as his Lord and Savior”

“I can’t be with a man that hasn’t accepted Beyonce as his Lord and Savior”

That was y’all in ’06.

….where’s your god now?

And to be honest I 100% don’t blame Jay Z for cheating on her one bit (if he did).

Beyonce is a classic case of women getting far too comfortable with niggas who they should have known were savages. You really think that a nigga will stay faithful to you just because you think you deserve respeck on your name? You think he wont get tired of you never putting in work just because you have a good job, look good and, you assume, have good vag? In the immortal words of Jay Z “Get your independant ass out of here….questions?”

He said that about Beyonce by the way

Jay Z may not be the best looking dude but this dude has a DiCaprio-esque catalogue of ex jump-offs. Some of those names include Aaliyah, Rosario Dawson, Rhianna and Kerren “Superhead” Steffans.

Let that sink in.

This dude was with a woman who’s nickname is literally based on multiple men deciding not only is her head game great….but its super. The man gets it in. Meanwhile Beyonce was comfortable in delusion town…

..and she is the mayor

Joke is this isn’t even the first time he blatantly cheated on her. Remember when he legit slept with Rhianna and she called Rhi out on it in that sideways diss song “Ring the alarm”? This dude has BEEN doing his thing….and she BEEN takin it. And she’s out here telling chicks to leave their dude? What are we talking about? THIS is our judge?

Understand that I get it….I 100% get it.

Some of you listen to Beyonce ironically but in the end really don’t give a shit. Its like being in the PLP: You know the nigga you following ain sayin shit but outside of ruining the minds of thousands of people its pretty entertaining.

“Our country is in dire straits at the moment and we’re about to totally deny women equal rights but have you ever seen me shuffle?”

“Our country is in dire straits at the moment and we’re about to totally deny women equal rights but have you ever seen me shuffle?”

I am not here to judge what gets you through your day. I’m the guy blasting Michael Bolton in my car at 5am on the way to the gym. No judgement here. I’m just addressing those females that legit worship this woman as if she isn’t completely doing all of this just for the money.

I loved Formation. Well….no….I just really liked the video actually. I’m also assuming I’m bad in bed cause no woman has ever taken me to Red Lobster after sex.

“After that 2 minutes? You better go heat up that Double Dragon in the fridge and eat while you drive my nigga”- Said every girl I ever slept with

“After that 2 minutes? You better go heat up that Double Dragon in the fridge and eat while you drive my nigga”- Said every girl I ever slept with

But lets address the bullshit. You call her Queen? Then lets check the receipts. Your “Queen” claims to love her hive but didn’t she just have a song named “Bow Down Bitches” a few months ago? Granted I’m sure the song wasn’t meant for you peeps but what happened to all that feminism she was selling the other day? Shouldn’t she be bringing women together and not contradicting her “Independent Women” stance with Destinys Child? To make matters worse it was an immediate contradiction to another song on the album where she used feminism once again like a carrot dangling it in front of you people luring you away from the truth: She just wants the album sales and could not give a fuck less about any of you.

To be honest it’s the one song of hers that I loved because it was her finally being 100….she finally showed people who she was and you loved her for it. She’s a female musical Donald Trump: She speaks on issues she genuinely doesn’t give a shit about, she cares nothing for the proletariat and she has an ego the size of Jay Z’s lips.

201501_1630_ecadi_sm

But perhaps she didn’t mean that shit about y’all bowing down. Perhaps deep down she loves her fans and seeing as she just released this album and LOVES her beyhive she probably is giving away cheap ass concert seats so her hive peeps can see her live right?

“After that 2 minutes? You better go heat up that Double Dragon in the fridge and eat while you drive my nigga”- Said every girl I ever slept with

Bow down, bitches

So lets recap, kids: In 09 she was kicking a man out for cheating, something she said she would never tolerate. In 2008 she told y’all he better put a ring on it despite Jay Z more or less forcing her to keep their relationship a secret for years. In 2013 she told y’all to bow down. In 2016 she contradicted what she said in 2008….and as of April 26 you went and paid how much to go see her in concert?

Is that a cop car or y’all bank accounts this weekend?

The irony of this whole situation is her husband is so the opposite.

Jay Z more or less evolved with the times. He wrote about his current situation and we always got a peak at where he was at in his life. In Reasonable Doubt he was selling crack in the project hallways and on Magna Carta Holy Grail he was talking about art and his now almost billionaire lifestyle. Say what you like about the man and his recent albums but Jigga always keeps it 100. When it comes to her for some reason it’s the same formula. I can literally predict the next 10 Beyonce albums and their tracklisting.

Album Title: BeyHave

Tracklist: 

  1. Intro: Beyonce singing some ambiguous drivel while making unnecessary vocal runs for 2 minutes.
  2.  Some song about waking up pretty and rich and in love with Jay Z
  3.  A song about female empowerment and the female struggle because gals.
  4. Some song concerning cheating/aint shit niggas where she destroys something, leaves, or “had enough”
  5.  An overtly sexual song and made up euphemisms for sex acts (Re: Surf Boart)
  6.  Reggae/reggaeton/country song where she mentions her multi cultural ethnicity accompanied by a video of her not carribbean whining with sense (Re: Every video where she tries to caribbean whine…..with sense)
  7.  Ballad about loving her boo, how he’s the best and how she’ll never leave (in spite of it all)
  8.  Song about how she hates her boo, how her boo cheated and she’s leaving. (Cause he aint shit)
  9.  Pseudo black empowerment song that hints at the actual struggle but never fully addresses it but uses visuals cause that’s safer than being direct about it because she’s light skin.
  10.  One more song about having sex with her dude because we need that visual.
  11.  Sings about being natural and beautiful without make up and weave then shoots a video with makeup and weave.
  12.  B.S. song about being stronger than yesterday for some chick named Tammy who lost her virginity in her late 20’s and “loves her queen”.
  13. BONUS: Song about absolutely nothing with 2 verses and a video showing a lifestyle you not now or will ever will be able to afford.

Did I miss anything?

Ladies if you want the actual truth concerning men I’d advise you to listen to Drake….he more or less tells all his (our) secrets.

"Timely reference, fam"- Dakarai

“Timely reference, fam”- Dakarai

If you want empowerment then read a book or listen to anything Mary J Blige did before ’06. And if you need someone to follow then I have a local suggestion…

Still waiting for my hotline to bling, babygirl. But I’m patient, boo

Still waiting for my hotline to bling, babygirl. But I’m patient, boo

If Bey brings you to your knees then it’s a bad religion.

Get woke.

 

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