By DREW

Dear Loretta Butler Turner,

Did you know we met before? One night my cousin, a friend and I were out and about the town. We went to a popular eating establishment and you were there in all of your magnificence. You were sitting down enjoying a libation or possibly the tears of your detractors.

I imagine Bernard Nottage's tears taste sulky and forlorn

I imagine Bernard Nottage’s tears taste sulky and forlorn

I stumbled out of the establishment and we caught eyes for a split second. Or maybe you were looking at someone good looking, who knows, I was pretty drunk. I got a thing for green eyes L. Boogie and I just know your face emeralds were in my direction and I felt blessed. It was then that I knew this was more than a crush. I see you cutting weight and I’m indifferent with it cause you were always the hottest goat pepper in my bush, but I guess you have to quiet these niggas down yet again with yet another accomplishment. Its hard out here for the best to ever do it, I imagine. I see you, bae. It blows my mind that NONE of your peers are in any semblance of shape but only you “fat” though.

Ladies all this can be yours for the small price of your dignity and self esteem #BillsPaidThough

Ladies all this can be yours for the small price of your dignity and self esteem #BillsPaidThough

Understand, L.B., that I’ve been following your career since you bitch slapped Andre Rollins.

Sidenote: I’d like to apologize for that. Understand I never thought my feelings for you would grow to this point and I should have been there to defend your honor when he verbally attacked you.

#NeverAgain

I heard what they said about you, L. Beezy:

“She cant be controlled”

“She’s a typical emotional female”

“She’s a fat lightskin jungless with no soul”

“God she’s even sexy when she making dudes sit small” Ok maybe that last one was me That last one was me.

How that must have hurt. After the Rollins slap I sat and wondered how many more men in your life deserved a slap, and here you are. The kid on the playground that teased you. When you went to college and they made it harder for you because of your lack of dick. When you ran for Long Island and they said the only reason you won was because you “favor Long Island people”.

And here you are.

You are the tiger the haters raised from a cub. You were born in the fires of their hate and rose and shined through the abyss of their ignorance. You did all of that while looking stellar in a pant suit and slapping the El Debarge out of niggas that refused to act right. Now don’t get it twisted, you were wrong for hitting him. Very wrong. We cant say we want equal rights and then not expect for someone to defend themselves after we put hands on them for being light skin. No one should hit anyone. But I get it, sometimes you just gotta give these dudes a solid one to remind them of who the actual hell you are.

And thus, a Queen was born.

On her way to steal your constituency AND your man

Lets be clear, I am not PLP, FNM or DNA. I’m team LBT. I also don’t vote. Never have and had good plans to never do so. I don’t vote because Hubert Ingrham and Perry Christie are still alive and Bahamians seem too comfortable kneeling at the feet of the old guard to look up from their servitude and realize it’s time for change. Know why I like you? Its because you’re not them….and yet you are SO them. You’re light skin like Perry, you have Huberts gumption with some of my ex girlfriend Nancy Pelosi’s sass peppered in.

Don't give me that look, Nance. You knew what this was.

Don’t give me that look, Nance. You knew what this was.

People wont remember you for all the good you did, but they’ll always remember your last screw up and if that’s the case then Perry Christie is on a Chef Curry run with the amount of bullshit he’s doing. Did you see that Bahamar foolishness? Was it his fault? Nope, not at all. He just didn’t help the situation. In his defence, he isn’t exactly a force to be reckoned with in any arena. Watching Perry try and barter with the Chinese and Sarkis was like watching a shitzu bark at anything that’s not a shitzu.

Look at him trying to do politics. So precious

Don’t get me wrong, lover, I know he didn’t end Bahamar. I think his heart was in a good place I really do. But sometimes you just gotta shuffle back to your corner and let the big boys sort it out.

How would you have handled that, Retts? I bet you would have invited them over for some Barefoot Contessa-esque meal and played the nurturing hyper effeminate peacemaker.

Kidding!

Not my Loretta. Naw You would have done something sexy like buy some aged single malt scotch, a couple cigars and had some well-seasoned rare Bison grilling on an open flame and made them talk that shit out. Because that’s what boss chicks do and you’re the bossiest of them all.

"Ok....first things first: I'm the realest!"

“Ok….first things first: I’m the realest!”

That’s the irony of it though isn’t it? If you try and be nurturing you’re being too weak. If you come at them on their level you’re being a “bitch”. And when you say nothing you’re apathetic. This role cant be an easy one. But hold your head up proud, my love. I have a serious feeling that your time is coming cause…..um……..have you seen your competition?

Hubert Minnis has no actual plan. He just does the opposite of whatever the hell Perry Christie is doing. I don’t think he even knew what was going on with the jet ski protestors. I think he just needed some anti PLP activities to do that day. He cant see you on a good day but I understand you gotta play your position for now and I respect that, boo boo.

You have to be this until the Bahamas stops likin man. Oh I’m sorry, y’all think y’all don’t? Lets stop and think about this one second: Bahamians like man so much that the equal rights bill got shot down a few years ago and guess who killed it? WOMEN. Our mothers and grandmothers were all out there voting no because niggas.

“If I vote yes the men in parliament said I’d have to bed a Haitian guy and have his kids and I don’t think that’s fair to me or my uterus”

“If I vote yes the men in parliament said I’d have to bed a Haitian guy and have his kids and I don’t think that’s fair to me or my uterus”

And now they have my bae up there trying to run a country with men who were raised by women who didn’t think other women deserved to be equal. But we’ll see how the referendum goes. You know our Prime Minister, I think he has to have a referendum before he decides where to eat.

“Ok so bring in some people from Antarctica to properly assess whether or not I want Oh Andros or Glass Kitchen. Just use the VAT money, they wont know the difference”

“Ok so bring in some people from Antarctica to properly assess whether or not I want Oh Andros or Glass Kitchen. Just use the VAT money, they wont know the difference”

But that’s what the people allow, honeybun. He knows that he can have as many referendums, junkanoo carnivals and “no seriously wheres the VAT money” charades and once he throws a free chicken and sweet soda rally followed by his inevitable “Perry shuffle” then people will forget the condition of the country and just follow him blindly. He’s like a well-spoken Donald Trump with less ideas and no follow through.

“Books….we want to ban books because who needs them. Am-I-Right?"

“Books….we want to ban books because who needs them. Am-I-Right?”

Then, sugar lumps, you gotta deal with Branville McCartney. Branville McCartney reminds me of every college student that comes home, goes drinking with his older, seasoned, cousins and thinks he knows it all but is unaware that everyone is just humoring him. I’m not saying he’s not smart, I’m sure he’s quite intelligent. But, if I may, ain no one on his run. I stopped giving a shit once I heard he had someone on his team named Sammi Star.

Seriously?

This is where my mind goes every time someone says “Sammi Star” to me with a straight face

This is where my mind goes every time someone says “Sammi Star” to me with a straight face

I think Bran Bran will do well but he has to stop jumping on every little thing the PLP and FNM don’t do and come up with some ideas of his own.

Then rumor has it that sweet Emily is running for MP? Is this true? That’s the other female with a leg in the race? I asked the person who told me about this what her qualifications were and he said “Well you know she’s a Christian now”. Loretta you have degrees on degrees, experience, that face that I want to be friends with and one of your soon-to-be political peers is named Sweet Emily and she found Jesus the other day we think.

This is what I imagine you look like walking into every Parliament meeting

But don’t be dismayed. I believe in you and you have my vote when you do decide to run. Not even kidding. I’m willing to stand in that musky line in the mall for my voters card. I’m willing to leave work, go down to the polls and put it all on you (partly because I wanna put it “all” on you but that’s a different story *wink*). But you cant do this alone, Babe. Yes yes I know you single handedly took care of Long Island after the hurricane hit. Yes I know every day you face down the likes of Fred Mitchell who, to be fair, actually is pretty smart. But lets be honest: Calling anyone smart in the PLP right now is like being the smartest kid in day care.

Look at Fred on the left: Everyone's posing for the camera while he's busy trying to learn.

Look at Fred on the left: Everyone’s posing for the camera while he’s busy trying to learn.

You can do it. You have to do it. This is so much bigger than you.

I don’t have any kids yet but given my past sexual exploits I have a serious feeling I’m gonna be having all girls.

Meet my future daughters Karma and Battlecat. Don't ask......I have my reasons.

Meet my future daughters Karma and Battlecat. Don’t ask……I have my reasons.

Little girls are watching you, Loretta. They are seeing the way these men treat you. They see how you respond and they don’t even know it yet but they need you. You represent the winds of change. You represent what they can be in a mans world that doesn’t think they should be equal. You are the voice they need to hear on an island where our girls voices are ignored. You’re the hero they need and the one they deserve. Your haters will argue that you’re a descendant of Milo Butler, went to St Andrews and had your accomplishments handed to you. They don’t account for the fact that on this island you had/have to be the lone voice in a sea of male ignorance and ego and somehow you have managed to be not only heard but respected.

So slap em up, L.Boogie. Don’t ask permission just ask forgiveness. You are a political lioness and not a pussy (cat) so easily tamed. You are the daughter of a legend, student of the game, Queen of the Andels and the apple of my eye. Oh don’t get it twisted, this is a love letter. I know you’re married but hey………

So?

You know how to find me: Just call me on my cell phone late night when you need my love. And when they tell you that you’re loud, angry, volatile, obnoxious and uncontrollable always remember: All those men surrounding you in parliament are the exact same. The difference is they will tell you that that’s what makes you a monster. Meanwhile the people will tell them that that’s what makes them strong men.

You’re a smart, empathetic, intelligent, no-nonsense, beautiful woman. They sleeping on you so be their nightmare,

Stay woke, babygirl

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