by Drew

Sweethearts: Natural enemy of the “good man/woman”, people “pleaser”, casher of gag order checks (pardon the pun)……destroyer of worlds. There are other names for these people but the one safe word that I think we can all agree on is “sweetheart”. I personally have no issue with these men or women and neither should you. From your perspective she was the reason your kids now have to have 2 Christmases, from ours she’s the reason I’ve been in such a good mood lately.

Jeff has less headaches and no longer considers murdering his wife for chewing her food loudly. Ask your Doctor if having a sweetheart will work for you as well!

Jeff has less headaches and no longer considers murdering his wife for chewing her food loudly. Ask your Doctor if having a sweetheart will work for you as well!

Lately side pieces have been coming out of pocket and getting people in problems. Ever since Monica Lewinsky wrote that book about blowing the POTUS and got rich, sweethearts have been coming out of the woodwork “confessing” shit and not playing their position. This is a difficult topic for a lot of you as a lot of you don’t want to think your mate is cheating or worse…..don’t know you’re a sidepiece. I’m sorry to have to be the one to do this but as long as the Ministry of Education keeps ignoring my calls about this being a topic in schools I’ll just have to use this forum to give the 5 rules to being a quality Bahamian sweetheart.

Know yourself

Listen, I know you want to believe that you’re not a sweetheart but if the object of your affection is making sweetheart-esque maneuvers then you have to call a spade a spade.

What are sweetheart maneuvers you ask?

Little hints like not answering or texting at specific times during the day/night. Never takes you out for a drink or to meet people they know. If he happens to take you out but it’s to some remote location of the island that you’ve never seen before and you fear for your life. If all of your meals have a fork and knife conveniently placed in a bag for you …..To go….then yes, you are either violently ugly or a sweetheart.

...or both (fix it Jesus)

…or both (fix it Jesus)

Don’t be alarmed and don’t panic; we’re gonna get through this. First off this is not the time to throw a hissy fit. Deep down you knew what you were a long time ago.

“Naw girl he just works a lot and I can’t call him after 5 or on weekends…you know how it is”

“Naw girl he just works a lot and I can’t call him after 5 or on weekends…you know how it is”

Remember that time you called them and they kept referring to you as “Bey” and not really assigning a specific gender or relation to you at all? Just general terms like “You’re crazy, my friend”. Your ears twitched then but you denied it. You buried it deep into that cavern where all your daddy issues and insecurities are. Don’t deny it, embrace it. Be one with it. Or be out. Really the choice is yours. But if you’re going to stay then there are rules to this game and I’m gonna need you to know yourself and play along because lives are in the balance.

Respect the relationship

No no, see, there you go trying to have hope again.

Stay focused.

Not YOUR relationship. THEIR relationship. If you know they have someone else then why are you calling at times when you KNOW he/she is present? No you limit your times to MAYBE work hours or when you know they’re on the drive home from your house and you have 5-15 minutes of non-texting human communication.

We both know who that is

We both know who that is

Also stop trying to break up that happy home. I know it gets frustrating seeing how “happy” they appear on Facebook but you signed up for that. Plus deep down you know the truth so you can do a little villain grin every time you “stumble” on their page.

You’re like the joker. A very slutty immoral joker

You’re like the joker. A very slutty immoral joker

I had a friend who always used to tell this married chick he was dealing with, “If you leave him then I’m leaving you.”

To that I say bravo!

Why break them up if it works within the context of your present situation? You get lots of time to focus on yourself without any of the baggage.

Understand they HAVE to go home at some point. then you get a whole bed to yourself and no one in your face at 7am with bad breath and expectations. You get your alone time and they get to go home relaxed because orgasms.

Everyone is happy.

People who respect the relationship and the boundaries therein almost never get caught because the cheater never has to compensate for the sweethearts emotions. How amazing would it be if you could text your sweetheart..

“Yo, they home, hit you when I can”

And they hit you with..

“Ok babes, do your thing. I’m here when you’re good”

To every husband and wife that’s 100% faithful to their spouse that line of conversation is their worst nightmare. To every person that has ever cheated or presently cheating that right there is a gift.

“I for real think I love him. He is SO chill. Not leaving my husband in a million years but this nigga? He could be the one!”

“I for real think I love him. He is SO chill. Not leaving my husband in a million years but this nigga? He could be the one!”

Always remember: You’re not a victim, you’re a volunteer. Silent weapons for quiet wars, people.

Know your/their limits

This is especially key because it’s very important to be aware of how far to take things. This is not the time to be extra, you can’t afford to be. If you know that you are falling in love and they aren’t then bounce. If you realize that they are being a bit too open and out here having you in Outback KNOWING she/he has friends there then it’s time to check them quick. Don’t believe me? Go watch ANY episode of Cheaters. They are always in some wide open restaurant having a meal pretending they don’t have a whole family at home.

If your cheater is only in it for the physical then that’s how much of them you’re gonna get. If you’re up for something better and you know you can’t handle that at this stage in your life then it’s time to either leave or renegotiate the terms.

“I thought I was more than your tinted car, Yamacraw Beach, in back of Stokes house sex buddy….I need more than that right now, Heinikenisha”

“I thought I was more than your tinted car, Yamacraw Beach, in back of Stokes house sex buddy….I need more than that right now, Heinikenisha”

And for all you older people reading this and judging me, be careful there gramps. I’ve heard of countless older folks who sweethearted for decades. Literally decades.

"The wife is getting another hip replacement. Take your arthritis medicine quick and I’ll take my Niagara."

“The wife is getting another hip replacement. Take your arthritis medicine quick and I’ll take my Niagara.”

Shit, I went to a funeral once with my mom when a male friend of hers died. This lady walks up the aisle, softly touches him then walks past his wife back to the rear end of the church and sits down. My mom whispered to me, “That was his sweetheart for 30years. His wife never knew.” That older generation is famous for those lifelong sweetheart scenarios. It’s very rare to find that with our generation because of social media but in the event you do PLEASE understand that….

You are NOT in a relationship

It is impossible for your sweetheart to be your boyfriend or girlfriend. It just is. As Facebook loves to remind us ….

a6d46b212e0c7d27e368635e33868fdd

I love this meme because the people who post it are either presently cheating or being cheated on.

But I digress.

Its ok, nay, human to catch feelings and perhaps even care. That’s fine. But bury that shit deep down. It may cause a tumor or 2 but that shit is fixable with surgery and proper healthcare. Your reputation isn’t if this shit goes public.

Also, try not to take the cheater too seriously. They are cheating on their spouse with you and you honestly think they give a shit about you? Sure they bought you things when you got sad but that’s because if you’re sad then that kinda stops the sex and what’s the point of this if not the quality non-spouse no pants parties?

“If I wanted to not have sex I’d just go home to my husband, Randolph!”

“If I wanted to not have sex I’d just go home to my husband, Randolph!”

Play your position and find your chill. This is not your girlfriend/boyfriend, this is (insert government name here).

The end.

They aren’t “baby”, “honey”, “boo boo”, “sweet thing”, “future spouse”…. none of that good shit. They will not marry you and if they do they will 100% probably fall into the same lull they fell into with their spouse again and then treat you the same. And that’s if you’re lucky enough for them to put a ring on it. Most of these cheaters, after they (if they) get out of their marriage, go nuts and…well…bust nuts everywhere.

Just not with you.

See you were there when things were tough. You nurtured and cared for them when they needed someone with a biased opinion to hear their cry. Now that hell is over and they can actually be free. You were the plan B and now they can actually start hunting what they really want. So don’t get too attached because this will never end well for you.

Except when it totally does and now…

You are totally in a relationship

Ya, I know what I just said but sometimes lightning strikes and you run into your soulmate. In the words of Leonard Cohen, “And love is not a victory march. It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah”. Because I’m a horrible human being I’ve always interpreted that as a rally cry for the broken and the shattered amongst us.

For those of us that take the unbeaten path and find love in the not so convenient, albeit “immoral” parts of life. Sometimes you find your soulmate, marry them and live happily ever after….

And then sometimes you marry the wrong person, cheat on them for years then marry the sweetheart after your wife gets killed in a horrible accident …

Looka Elizabeth son doing shit

Looka Elizabeth son doing shit

See how that works?

Life doesn’t play by your rules and neither does love. The same way I can’t tell 2 men/women how to love is the same way I won’t judge 2 people who may have found love in a broken place. As much as I’ve been the cheater in my past life I have also been the sweetheart. If I’m being honest, I caught feelings and the whole 9….I was in love. Then I found out she had horrible taste in burgers and didn’t like stew conch and I had to be out.

Any female that doesn’t like stew conch is a shepherd for the devil and is dead inside

Any female that doesn’t like stew conch is a shepherd for the devil and is dead inside

But yes, it’s possible to find love in a place you should not be. Marriages end. Not all good things stay good. Game of Thrones ends in like 3 more seasons and niggas out here trying to make marriage last forever?

Chill

Life doesn’t work like that, my friends. But sometimes, just sometimes, we defy destiny. We turn our heads away from the rules, we ignore society, and we embarrass our mothers and we do it. We go into that rabbit hole and sometimes we come out of it holding someone’s hand that is holding someone else’s in a dark place they no longer want to be in but can’t escape.

And for all the people in the comment section that are about to attack me with bible verses and whatever Disney taught you: I’m not an advocate for cheating though I have cheated. I’m not an advocate for married people stepping out of their relationship though I’ve also been involved in that as well. I am, however, a big advocate for happiness. When people are unhappy they seek it. They fight for it and they battle with themselves to grasp it by any means necessary. It’s not always the right choice and often time’s people get hurt. You won’t come out of this life without bruises.

However, if my Bible serves me correctly, “let he without sin kick rocks and stop being judgey douchesicles”.

Yours truly

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